Waldo?
“Ugh, fuck this.”
“I WILL FIND HIM!”
Wait! Or is he right here? --->________________________________________<--? I guess not.......
Error: Still Not Found
Warning: The Program Has Become Philosophical
System.out.println("What Makes You Think You're Going To Find Him?"); [/n]
(look! quick he's getting away!!!!)
(too late....)
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Congratulations, you've found Waldo. Now pat yourself on the crotch.
(Unless you were already doing that. If you were, try to find Waldo's evil twin.)
Who is Waldo?[edit]
The history of Waldo (also known as Wally to British and Old Zealanders) is part urban legend and part reality, mainly because the very location of Waldo has never been accurately determined. As one myth goes, Waldo was a soviet spy during WWII, the Cold War, and the moderately Warm War who was entrusted with the task of preoccupying and distracting enemy intel. A second tale depicts this mysterious figure as a prototype for a genetic project by the United States in an attempt to create white ninjas in order to counter the Asian ninja during World War two-and-a-half. The project was deemed a total failure and abandoned after achieving the creation of a perfect white ninja due to the fact that the ninja (Waldo) promptly escaped from the laboratory immediately after his assimilation (after, of course, murdering all of the scientists and destroying any evidence of his existence). Wally's legal status is currently that of a war criminal as the United States military is currently flying drones over Syria in order to kill this elusive menace.
Before he was known as Waldo, he was a Kenyan by the name of Barack Hussein Osama.
The US government denies this and states that Waldo was "a normal child of NO SIGNIFICANT HISTORY! ever." As their story goes, Waldo was born on the 6th of March, 1962 in Dawn, Oregon. He grew up slowly on his parents' farm, but in 1972 at the age of five, he left the safety of his parents' breast to find a job. He began working for a paper mill in Washington state in 1975 and became CEO of the company soon after. He fell in love and later married one of his co workers, Silly Putty, and they had 2 children and one hybrid.
Disaster struck in 1985 when – after an argument with her – Waldo tied his wife to the conveyor belt and shredded the late Ms. Sausage (She returned to her maiden name after being posthumously divorced). Waldo Francis realised he was going to be caught, and had to act quickly. He knew the sentence in Washington for such a crime was death by Weevil, so he went on the run and became a Nurse Joy, just like so many heroes before him. He was promptly pursued by the Central Ignorance Agency.
Waldo's family[edit]
The only known relatives of Waldo are Osama bin Laden and Houdini. Both of these men show the family trait of seemingly disappearing in crowds and being magical.
Where the government comes in[edit]
In 1986, the Reagan administration got so fed up with the CIA's failure to track down Waldo that they decided to opt for a new path: to find Waldo by setting up many cameras around remote, yet highly populated areas in the United States, and then publishing these photos in children's books. Ronny hoped that these children would be able to find Waldo and bring him to justice.
Unfortunately however, Reagan died, and Waldo still is yet to be caught. The current Federal Government have no ideas. At all.
So...where IS Waldo?[edit]
You might want to ask the mob... Waldo called Godfather Mario Luigelli "fat", and hasn't been found in a single crowd-scene since...
History[edit]
As of December 16, 2007, Waldo was declared "Public Enemy No. 1" by the Bush Administration (it's a common misconception that Osama bin Laden is Public Enemy No. 1). However, Waldo was more important to half of the world's countries than bin Laden. On May 2, 2011, Waldo was shot to death by US navy SEALs, who had been tracking a courier for 3 years. He was concealed in a compound in Abbottibad, Pakistan, 0.8 miles from Pakistan's West Point. The report from the SEALs was that Waldo was found with his fifth wife inside the compound, hiding inside a children's book. No SEALs were killed, but Waldo apparently made a valiant effort to escape, by attempting to be shipped out in a cardboard box by his best friends, the US postal service. The situation has spun out of control, with both the postal service and the Army in a deadly battle of Family Feud.
See also[edit]
- Where's Her Majesty's Secret Service?
- UnNews:Waldo Reunited With Family After 20 Years of Separation
