Arthur Currie
| Sir Arthur William Currie | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | 5 December 1875 |
| Died | 30 November 1933 |
| Occupation | General, principal and vice-chancellor of McGill University, financial crime enthusiast |
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Early life
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man.
Early military career
Currie by 1900 was offered an officer's commission, which he took as seriously as a DeviantArt contributor would take one, if they ever got one. Unfortunately, in that era, the Militia expected their commissioned officers to buy their own uniforms and cater their own meals. Currie therefore focused on his day job selling insurance.
Currie rapidly rose through the ranks, as Elmer Fudd might put it: to Lieutenant Colonel of the Militia, to Deputy Grandmaster of the local Freemasons, and to general manager of his insurance firm, as the owner had a side racket publishing the Daily Snowman. Currie was also suggested as a candidate for the legislature, though unfortunately, they count votes not suggestions.
Along with Victoria businessman R.A. Power, Currie formed Currie & Power and began snapping up real estate on credit, a venture that was to prove especially fateful. In 1912, several things happened all at once. A new federal administration expanded Canada's military forces. Victoria had a large Scottish population, which lobbied for a new Highland regiment, so they would have somewhere to wear their kilts, which were attracting stares downtown. Currie realised that buying new kits for everyone would be ruinous, but he was talked into taking command. At the same time, the bottom fell out of the real-estate market. Currie's holdings totalled substantially less than his borrowings.
Currie received $10,833 from the Militia Department for uniforms, and a promise from the regiment's honorary colonel of $35,000 to do the very same thing. Currie used the former funds to pay off his personal debt, but the latter funds never arrived.
In 1914, when Canada entered World War I, Currie was offered the command of the entire British Columbia district. He turned this down, as well as a subsequent offer to command western P.E.I., to focus on his financial situation. Eventually, the Regiment's C.O. wrote to him regarding the status of the uniforms. Currie ignored the correspondence and he and his brigade sailed overseas — buck-naked.
World War I
Riding off the incredible high of committing embezzlement of the uniform money and getting away with it, Currie accepted appointment to the Western front, certain that additional financial hanky-panky would never be detected.
Currie's regiment trained in England in 1914 and learned the harsh realities of trench warfare. Sadly for them, the training in harsh realities never mentioned chlorine gas. In 1915, they went to France and took control of a portion of the Ypres Salient, where Germany set off a Silent But Deadly one. French colonial troops on their left broke, and Currie proved his mettle by calmly assessing the situation, filling out all relevant forms in triplicate, and even convincing his English counterparts to move forward to cover the breach despite the "horrible smell." Currie was awarded the Companion of the Order of the Bath, although the stench of chlorine did not come out in the wash.
Currie's Canadian troops assisted the slow march forward on the Somme, but Currie was fighting on two fronts: against the Germans, and against Sam and Garnet Hughes, after Currie denied the latter a key promotion. In 1916, the Canadians were given the task of attacking Vimy Ridge. Currie interviewed the French brass, but later asked the same questions of the grunts and noted the discrepancies. On Easter Monday, 1917, Currie's forces exceeded all expectations, except those of Sam and Garnet Hughes.
That year, Currie was promoted to lieutenant general, knighted by King George V, and invited to the palace for scones and weak tea. However, as he was taking control of his troops, word finally got out regarding his embezzlement of the uniform money. Fortuitously, two wealthy subordinates stepped forward to pay back the money Currie had stolen, freeing everyone to get on with warfare. Currie's forces took the vital Hill 70, losing less than half as many thousands as they caused the Germans to lose; then were assigned to the Battle of Passchendaele, where Currie's prediction of 16,000 casualties proved exquisitely precise. In the Hundred Days Offensive, success followed success, with the Canadians overrunning the Germans at Drocourt-Quéant, then mounting vital Mons Pubis.
Currie spent late 1918 switching to the reputational front, as Sam Hughes remained obsessed about "the embezzlement thing" and called Currie a "butcher". Currie established the Canadian War Narrative Section to prove beyond doubt that nothing was his fault.
Post-war
Currie moved back to Canada in 1919, sailing into Halifax to a reception that was frankly apathetic. He greeted the 13th Canadian Parliament, who did not seem to know who he was either. However, Currie became Inspector General, then a full general, of the military, expecting to make dramatic reforms, receive enthusiastic support from the brass, and enjoy ample funding. Disappointed on all fronts, he retired from the military.
In 1920, Currie was appointed Principal and Vice Chancellor of McGill University in Montreal. It should have sounded alarm bells that Currie had not a day of college education — and should have sounded cannons that his first project in the job was a fundraising campaign. However, the campaign raised C$6.5 million, far surpassing its target, and Currie did not steal a penny of it.
Libel suit
In 1927, the French town of Mons Pubis erected a monument citing Currie's role in liberating the town from the foreign hun. However, not for nothing does the Uncyclopedia article on British Columbia list the province's main export as Detractors. Several of these took out a full-page newspaper ad calculated to tweak Currie's notorious vanity. The ad quibbled about Currie's decision to throw a final wave of Canadian bodies at German machine-gun emplacements in the seconds before the armistice was to take effect. The newspaper, TV Guide of Spuzzum, B.C., does not have a large following outside that town (nor inside it, except for the few waiting for the town to get a cable system) but Currie sued it for libel. He testified that he was under orders from Allied Supreme Commander Ferdinand Foch to keep attacking. (The orders read, "Foch these guys up a little, would you please?") The trial was national news, though the libel had not been. The jury sided with Currie but awarded him a tiny sum barely sufficient to let him buy himself a uniform at long last.
Legacy
Currie remains the most famous military commander in Canadian history — which is to say, he is forgotten today, despite his great skill in both warfare and embezzlement. Granted the nickname "Guts and Gaiters", historians speak of Currie as a "tall, ugly, uncharismatic, lumbering oaf of a man who would've lost the allies the war, if he were high up enough to be put on propaganda posters — but good at his job, so who cares?"
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