Tourist

Typical Hospes terranovus specimen in natural habitat.

“Do...you...speak...English?”

~ any American tourist visiting any foreign country

Tourists are members of the Al Qaeda movement to go to Western countries and blow them up. They can be very sneaky. They are known to have sexual intercourse in their Motel 6 Bed for near 3 hours, causing extensive noise pollution, so they are squeaky as well as sneaky. Tourists are also a major contributing factor to the depletion of the ozone layer.

Ordinary tourist Hospes vulgaris

Very widespread. Can be found in almost all countries, even in Latvia.

Sometimes they can be recognized by carrying little books of the lands that they visit and constantly repeating the phrase 'We have one of those back home'. Those books usually also contain really weak talking and spelling guides to talk as ununderstandably of the land being visited, as possible.

An unwritten law states that Travel book writers never visit the land they are writing about. They are only allowed to google & to copy & paste.

Backpacking tourist Hospes crumens

These rare specimens are usually found in rural areas. This preference occurs from 'love for the outdoors' or just poverty. Almost always they are alone, but groups with bikes rota duo or in camping wagons rota domus can sometimes be found in Backwoods. They tend to stink to high fucking heaven too as they don't believe in washing. These specimens mostly tend to be Australian and have a severe dislike of anything hygienic or sanitary. Canadian specimens can easily be identified by the little national flag patch they are required to display lest they lose each other in the metro or at tourist offices.

Tourist from U.S. Hospes terranovus

Typical American tourists visit a far away "foreign" land

Only type of terrorist tourist considered to be sub-human, these can be found in and around certain colonies in France, England and Spain or any city known for its culture. A person who dons a floral shirt, straps a camera to his or her chest and takes a photo of the back of someone's head looking at the Mona Lisa or some other example of Western civilization. American tourists have a tendency to be very condescending and like to walk out in front of moving vehicles. They like to wear green when in Ireland and act as though they've lived there most of their fucking life when visiting. Common phrases would include : "Oh look at the little leprechaun hat Harry", "Top o' the morning to you" or "Don't hurt me please Mr. Irishman". The same behaviour is displayed in Northern Ireland, along with a complete inability to pronounce local landmarks, leading to such unforgettable phrases as "So it's called Car - RICK a REDDY..." (No. No it's not). One can easily spot an American because of the large red maple leaf on their luggage or clothes.

Asian tourist Hospes photographicus

Can be spotted in large groups flocking to and from musea. They can only be found in large groups up to 60 and are generally led by someone wearing an umbrella. In the venues visited they try to make photos and videos of only the most famous objects. As most of them are rather small the likeliness of getting good shots is limited. They themselves are their second favourite subject for these photos. They are generally amazed by the size of Westerners and an encounter with a tall person will only result in giggling.

British tourist Hospes albionus perfidus

Operating in groups they can mostly be found in cities or resorts adjacent to sea, affluent with bars, brothels, prostitutes and preferably tea shops. Groups can easily be identified by the redness of their faces, the fume of alcohol and the noise. The noise consist mainly of football-songs, bragging about the greatness of Great Britain, moaning about the shittiness of the their current address and demanding lager and curry. Their main activity abroad is chasing chicks, getting sunburned and consuming lager.

Canadian Tourist Hospes Hortenes Tims

This subspecies of albionus perfidus are often found in tight groups of five to twenty people. They are very dangerous and if they do not like the location they will back up sewers, reverse street signs and steal everyone's left shoe. They flock to warm tropical locations between May till September. Beer and poutine are their main source of nourishment and may starve without it. They will have no problem beating the shit out of anyone who disses hockey. They are often mistaken for American tourists because Yankees wear maple leafs and the Canadian flag.

Dutch Tourist Ordinarii vulgarum

This subspecies of the tourist genus is widely recognized by the demands of it's constituents to enjoy finebrew dutch culinary meals whenever they go on vacation. If the local food venues are incapable of supplying them in this need, they will pack copious amounts of their native food in their suitcases for later consumption. Ordinarii vulgarum also seem to have an innate sixth sense capable of detecting members of their own kind while abroad. In addition, ordinarii vulgarum are known for pulling caravans and/or campers to places such as campings and resorts, and seem to feel the strong need to get drunk wherever they go, break stuff and harassing the natives (occurs most frequently between age 16-25).

German Tourist Bierusbellium enormicus

Commonly believed to be an offshoot from ordinarii vulgarum these monstrous mockeries of proto-human life are most recognizable when they attend beaches. Upon arriving on a beach, they will immediately begin construction of a personal fortress, which consists primarily of digging a large hole in which they will then proceed to sit. This provides little to no defense from wind, predators, or even water. Their diet consists primarily of alcohol and bratwurst, and they are without fail clothed in lederhosen, if clothed at all, which they consider optional on the beach. They may also be recognised by their wearing of socks with sandals.

Alcohol tourist Hospes vinum

There are recently discovered colonies of ATs in the Czech Republic, who are believed to be from Germany (hospes vinum barbarus). Other colonies are in Tallinn, Estonia from Finland(hospes vinum aquilo). They are particular likely to travel no Åland (I say travel to, as they don't necessarily leave the ferry). Their basic purpose of life is to simply buy as much cheap alcohol as possible and to smuggle it back to their homeland. Scientists believe that other places around the world are also inhabited by hospes vinum, but until now no discoveries have been made.

Cruise Ship tourist Hospes titanicus

A waterborne breed specially adapted to swarm on coastal cities. Outbreaks can last from half a day up to a week. Any captured specimens are usually only suitable for pickling.

Often these tourists will come onto the docks and ask locals what the elevation is.

Tourist Trap

It is said that if you build a better Tourist Trap, the world will beat a path to your door, but they actually went to Durness instead !

Tourist's Syndrome

This is a malady affecting tourists, causing them to believe that they can be understood by foreigners if they only swear loudly enough.

How to deal with tourists

This is a necessary skill in life, to save time and swear words when a tourist pesters you, do the following things.

1. Ask him, "Are you a tourist?" until he says "NO." Then say, "But you look like one.".
2. Ignore. If you ignore a tourist it will stop jumping up and down in front of you and go away.
3. If that doesn't work, they may usually ask for directions. Either send them to a different country or leave them stranded in a bog. The optimum method is to pretend you dont understand them or speak in another language.
4. Wikivoyage:Common scams has a good list of imaginative suggestions, ranging from sending the hapless tourists on scenic taxi rides to duping them into believing that key attractions are closed. As with everything in Wikivoyage, this list is merely introductory and one could fill a book with clever ideas.
5. If a tourist keeps on taking pictures either move in front of the camera and obstruct the offender or simply alert the authorities. If these methods fail simply attack the tourist with a mix of curses and well-aimed round house kicks.
6. Better yet, tell them that there's a really cool aviation museum where they might want to wander around and take photographs... then send them to an active military base. Sit back and watch the fireworks.
7. Open a Motel 6 where, every time one tries to check in, you report them to immigration authorities in real time and have them deported on the spot. Be sure to keep their money, even if they won't be staying long enough to bother leaving a light on. Other options include building a copy of classic properties like the Bates Motel or the Bloody Benders' inn, for that individualised charm.
8. Some readers would like more direct action. Gather a group of friends around 100 strong a start a street riot. Tourists are known to be afraid of these and will run for cover. Also, deliver anti-tourism speeches or take the Nazi route and round up tourists. Tell them you will take them to a great view point on some cliffs. Then tell them to look over the bluffs and while they peer over, push them off. Krakens and other sea creatures thrive thanks to the rich food source along most major cliffs.

Government deterrents

In recent years airports have tried to discourage tourism by making the security checks increasingly more irritating, time consuming and humiliating. They now include:

• Metal detection followed by being felt up by a burly security guard. In this situation belts, jackets and other awkward items of clothing have to be removed.
• Emptying your hand luggage in front of a long queue of irritated people and then leaving you to clumsily repack as quickly as possible whilst the people behind get angrier.
• Removal of shoes to be scanned, exposing your feet to the filthy/damp floor and everyone else to that one person's really foul smelling feet. Then when they've been scanned, the tourists are forced to all stand around in a tiny area whilst they re-shoe.
• A passport check where your identity is scrutinised to the point where you feel like admitting terrorism.
• A ban on excessive liquids forcing you to either waste the drink you're carrying or drink it very quickly, inducing the need for the toilet upon take-off.

Future plans will implement a public full body cavity (2025) search and body fluid check (2026).

See also

• Tourism
• Tourist - the stereotype
• Tourette's - the syndrome
• Wikivoyage, the titanic tour guide that anyone can edit™