Sami
The Sami people (or Samis, sometimes referred to as the colorful Indians of the north) are a group of nomads that nobody understands, that once upon a time enjoyed having sex fun with their reindeer. They speak a language no one understands, the Sami language, and wear clothes no one understands, the Sami clothes. The Samis are very sexy people, living in the cold, cold, freezy north of Norway, Sweden, Russia, Denmark and Finland and some parts of Alaska and Japan too. These people are also called Eskimos, but they are the same thing. Paul McCartney's mother was in fact a Same, and she had a cousin who was a reindeer.
The Sami language[edit]
The Sami language is not understandable for anyone, and therefore we will try to make it a lot easier to understand it. Let us write a sentence, and you can guess what it means.
"Juohke okta Suoma gielddain gullá muhtun guovlugildii."
No idea?
Translated to English it becomes: "Eating junk food is better than eating eight Suomis (Finnish people)". Of course, Samis have never tried junk food, so we will just have to assume it's a lie.
Politics[edit]
The new activist group Popular Front for Liberation of Lappland is slowly beginning to reach their goals, because the government in Norway decided to give them a constitution, called the Same Thing. Last months most important thing in the Same Thing was: "Is it legal to leave the reindeer eggs alone in a turkopp?" The answer was: NO. Anyway, it's legal to leave reindeer eggs alone if the eggs are not situated in a turkopp. The Sames want to have their own country, but they can't. The Same Thing President is Ole Henrik Magga, a former reindeer pornstar.
Social life[edit]
The Sami people enjoy invading the territory of the Swedish with herds of horny reindeer. When on the move, their common chant consists of the simple phrase, "Sibiriijalaš ahcagas binna buđeita!" which translates to "Sami-sex will take over the world!" During Sami invasions, the Sami are often arrested for bestiality, causing Swedish prisons to become filled with their kind.
Annually, the Sami Olympics are held in the vast and empty territories of Lappland, and the events consist of reindeer racing, snow dancing and the varieties of reindeer-sex competitions. During the snow dancing event, the Sami people are often mistaken for Sasquatches by Islamic Eskimos.
Gastronomy[edit]
Since the Samis don't have much to eat except reindeer, they have developed many recipes based on reindeer meat, bones, eggs and internal organs. Famous recipes include:
- Reindeer egg salad (made with small shrubs or trees).
- Reindeer jerky (tastes like... reindeer).
- Reindeer bladder stuffed with reindeer bones and jerky.
- Reindeer Poo! A Christmas dinner favorite.
- Reindeer... you probably get the point by now.
Discoveries[edit]
The Sami people are responsible for what is now called Snus (Snuff in English). According to Sami folklore, King Sam of Lappland was one day patrolling the reindeer fields when he stumbled on some reindeer droppings. Amazed by what he saw, he did the logical thing and put it in his mouth, discovering that it tasted like any other reindeer droppings and decided to call it snus. Because all Sami people are beaten on the head with a club after birth, they have developed a strange sense of taste allowing them to casually eat snus. Throughout Scandinavia, snus is often used by the Sami, Turks, Hobby-Turks and Hobby-Hobby-Turks.
Anthem[edit]
The Sami anthem is this:
(Sunday People)
Sami, Sami guadda
Sami, muhtudii!
Sami, ahta okti gielda!
(repeat, after that switching to rap)
Sami Sami Sami,
Gulla guovligaildigai
Ervanahkka, Inkhavhakkha, mmehretharttha godhatun
(repeat, then end)
Translated to English:
Sami, Sami people
Sami, wonderful!
Sami, sex with reindeer!
(repeat, after that switching to rap)
Sami Sami Sami,
Frost and cold is lovely
We love so much, I love so much, reindeer sex and Sami people
(repeat, then end)
This song is officially the worst anthem ever.
