Canadian history is passed down orally, which can be hard on the knees. This is because over half of all Canadians are illiterate and the other half can't read or write. This has the unfortunate consequence of the accuracy of Canadian history ("history" from the Greek word Historicus meaning "comfortable lies") starting out poor and going downhill from there. Paragraphs starting in italics (Italian for "leans way over") are of even more questionable accuracy than the other non-italic paragraphs which are not terribly accurate, just terrible. Also note: Canadian history is just like the history of other nations, less most of the blood, sex, and betrayal. In short, it's less "Melrose Place" and more "Full House".
History, Canadian Style
Remember these dates/places:
1066 or thereabouts
Canada is discovered by the Vikings, most of whom move on to Minnesota. Some stay in Canada, though, and use the place as a base for raiding the refrigerator, the stock market, and Western Europe. This causes no end of cognitive dissonance amongst the Western European peasantry, who didn't really expect this behavior from Canadians. You just don't expect a good Canadian to do this sort of thing without apologizing profusely to everyone involved beforehand. One imagines Canadian Vikings as being very nice people on the whole, the sort of people who would go to an old lady’s house, knock on the door, and politely ask the owner, “I’m sorry to disturb you, ma’am, but do you mind if me and my mates loot, rape, and pillage here for a little bit, eh? We’ll clean up once we’re done, and I promise we won’t make too much noise.”
1812-1815 - War of 1812
- Pre-Canada Canadians went south and torched Washington because Americans are too fucking stupid and full of themselves. American brains are basically mush and cannot process short-term memories into long term memories and, thus, forgot about the incident and repaint the White House (prev. just called the House). They also make up an annoying, egocentric national anthem (although, except for the "bombs bursting in air" part, no one remembers its lyrics). They believe the world must know it, but in reality, no one actually cares. Canada on the other hand, came up with a lamer national anthem; the anthem's lyrics far simpler for the minds of the western world (especially those of Canada, who suffer from basically 'freezerburned' brains).
- The year on which the War of 1812 occurred has been disputed by many prominent historians, including that-guy-with-the-moustache, and what's-his-name.
1843-1857 - The Quebec Wars
- Lower Canada (Quebec) and Upper Canada (Canadia) went to war with each other over whether to speak French or English. Alexander Mackenzie defeats Le Compte Jean-Jacques Claude le Duc du Gastonsalisbury Chardonnay Sauvignon Blanc at the Battle of the Plains of Abraham, uniting Canada forever and ever and ensuring that Canadians always, always get along.
July 1 1867 - Confederation Day
- Like Independence Day, but without the big budget (no explosions, fresh prince, the fly or that guy from Taxi). Interestingly enough, dimwits from the American South came to Canada for the occasion, convinced (mistakenly) that the occasion was for the revival of the Confederacy (they thought "free slaves" meant that Canada was having a sale). Then in August winter hit and they went home.
- Confederation Day is generally celebrated by finding a moose, tying beer cans to it, and electing it to public office.
- Although called a confederation, it was really a federation. Those sneaky Canadians.
July 2 1867 - CBC
- First episode of Front Page Challenge airs a good sixty years before television is invented. It's followed by Hockey Night in Canada, which ironically showed the "Maple Leafs" lose.
1873-1878 - Alexander "Doug" Mackenzie
- Signs into law a bill recommending that "...all institutions, government office, products, everything and everyone else attempt, in good stead, to be Canadian in all things." This is accomplished by adding Canada or one of its derivatives to the name of absolutely fucking everything. Witness CBC "Canadian Broadcasters of Canada", CTV "Canadian TransVestites of Canada", Molson Canadian Beer, the Vancouver Canucks, the Montreal Canadiens, RCMP "Really Canadian Mounted Police", NORAD "NORth american Air Defence of Canada" and Canadian (ne back) bacon. In being annoying it succeeded admirably. In being delicious Canadian bacon succeeded admirably.
1896-1912 - Sir Wilfred Laurier
- Sir Laurier invents the ten dollar bill, colours it purple and puts his uncannily Spock-like face right on the front to prove that he's a pretty girl. The world responds by making it worth about nine bucks US.
- He was also quoted as saying, "The nineteenth century was the century of the United States. I think we can claim that Canada will fill the twentieth century." which proved to be almost Magic 8 ball-like in its uncanny accuracy.
1914-1918 - World War I
- British Canadians go to Europe for Britain and come back Canadian Canadians, if they come back at all. This was partly due to the Ross Rifle (there was also some dude who was a cheepass and actually -seriously- made Canadians wear cardboard boots!) and partly due to a total lack of ammunition (the same guy who gave them cardboard boots was the cause of this). Nonetheless Canadians remain proud of helping to throw away a whole generation of men and are even prouder that nothing like WWI ever happens again so they can go on eating their bacon and Tim Hortons doughnuts.
1915ish - Gallipoli
- Canadians redefine "turkey shoot". Later made into a movie with a bunch of Australians. Canadians ignore the fact they were barely involved (1,076 people from Newfoundland) in a campaign that went really, really, badly, and the actual fact that Newfoundland didn't become part of Canada until 1949.
1915-1917 - Battle of Ypres
- Canadians take a town from the Kaiser twice in 1915 and once in 1917. They then, being Canadian, apologize and give it back.
1916 - Battle of the Somme
- Canadians run up a hill or something, bravely getting shot while bravely yelling, "Bang, eh!" in return. They get to the top and plant the flag - CTF is born.
1917 - Battle of Vimy Ridge
- After months of -15 degree centrigrade weather, the Canadian troops could no longer take the stifling heat, stripped down to their underwear, and stormed the German trenches. Blinded by the glare off the Canadian's pasty skin, the startled Germans turned and ran. Still considered the greatest Canadian military victory of all time.
Sept 10 1939-May 9 1945 - World War II
- Canada declares war before the USA and immediately the government forms a "royal commission" to decide on which side Canada will be.
- They also imprison Japanese-Canadians, steal their property, sell it, and don't free some of them until well after the war...and these were their fellow Canadians, just imagine how much they'd have fucked up Japan if Canadians could swim.
German SS Base in Canada
- In order to seize Canadian marijuana fields, maple syrup production, Canadian bacon, and free healthcare, German SS troops form a base near Nova Scotia. They later formed the Dixie Chicks.
1940ish - Miracle at Dunkirk
- A bunch of guys trying to retreat get off a beach successfully. Chock up one for the good guys and give Jerry a right good fight. Hip hip, Hoorah!
Dec 25 1941 - Fall of Hong Kong
- Canadian and British troops, facing tremendous odds, bravely surrender to Japan. They plan to defeat the Axis from the inside - most don't, few make it home. Later made into a movie with Obiwan Kenobi, or not.
19 August 1942 - Dieppe Raid
- Canada enter Dieppe and, um, raids its pantry. Pastries are consumed, baking soda is mixed with vinegar; hilarity ensues. They lost almost half the soldiers they sent into that battle and would later find out that the British were joking when they told them to go there.
June 6 1944 - D Day
- Originally called Normandy Invasion Day but military strategists thought that was "too on the nose". Canadians take Juno beach from Kaiser Jr. and kill anyone that blocks their view of the ladies ("Juno" being French for "nude", "beach" being French for "beach").
May 8 1945 - VE Day
- Canadians kill Hitler, win WWII and come home since the war is absolutely, completely, and totally over. Americans, having the warped sence of reality that they do, believe that they won the war. They were dead wrong, and their beer still remains watery and piss-like.
1945 - Tim Horton
- Tim Horton was obviously a hockey player who's career debuted in 1945. Hockey is one of the only sports in Canada except for Lacrosse which is like hockey but with a stick and a sock, and Curling, which isn't a sport at all but is the act of throwing a rock down a sheet of ice and using a broom for some thing. In 1945, he moved to a place called Sudbury, somewhere near a beaver, in Ontario. Tim Horton is a very significant part of Canadian History.
- Somewhere between 1945 and 1964 there was some history that I am too lazy to write. Anyway, Tim Horton, in 1964, opened a self-titled food restaurant that Canadians would soon develop an obsession over: Tim Hortons (seriously, though, they kick dunkin' donuts straight in the arse!). Other names for Tim Hortons include Timmies, Tims, and Timmahz. Tim Hortons first started selling doughnuts and coffee but later moved on to selling more shit. Infact, Tim Hortons founded the term Double Double which refers to 'Double cream, Double sugar'. Double Double can be found in the Candain Oxford Dictionary along with the terms Banca Canda and Arsey Em Pee.
- In 1974 Tim Horton got in a carcrash and died. A year later, Tim Hortons resturant came out with little bite-sized balls of doughnut dough called 'Timbits' in his honour. (It is not known if that was based on the fact that Tim Horton was killed and most likely dismembered in that accident, although it is a little bit brutal to imagine the origin of the term Timbit.)
- From then on, Tim Hortons became Canada's main food-source. Tim Hortons raided most of Canada and part of the USA but were stopped by the angry Dunkin Donuts because Tim Hortons' coffee did not 'taste like liquid shit'. Being Canadian, Tim Hortons does peacefull things in the world like raping and pilaging. On occasion, usually called The Season (from late February to late May) Tim Hortons resturants set off a huge campaign. This campaign is known as 'Roll Up the Rim' where trillions of Canadians would Rrroll up the Rrrim to Win. Roll up the rim is now the biggest Canadian tradition, where the rim of a take out coffee cup is rolled up to win one of the various prizes (which is usually the term 'Play Again'). In attempt to stabalize the Canadian economy, Tim Hortons sends 2578998765252 economically disadvantaged Canadian children to consentration camps to hand-paint the cups for next years season.
April 1 1949 - Newfoundland
The communist island of Newfoundland annexes Canada as part of an elaborate April Fool's Day joke. This is later seen as a rather bad move by the majority of Newfoundlanders, who go on to wish they really hadn't had that much beer on March 31. Although Canadians' favourite dish is deep fried cod tongues, Newfoundland's Seal Flipper Pie becomes Canada's National Dish.
25 June 1950 - 27 July 1953 - Korean war
- Canadians come for the war, stay for the Kim Chee. Later turned into a movie that was about Vietnam and a TV series that wasn't about anything and was on for-fucking ever.
Jul 1 1954 - Canadian Tire
- First Canadian Tire store opens, sells its tire, and closes. After hiring managers/employees/merchandise/etc it reopens, ensuring that, as the catchy Canadian Tire commercials state, "Canadians have moderately good access to products of reasonable quality for reasonable prices".
- Canadian Tire then invents the second official Canadian currency, Candian Tire Money, which is colourful and is known by USians as fraktional billies, because they are measured in cents. This gives rise to the Canadian Tire Cent, the base coin of Canadian currency henceforth, except that it's a bill. Bible belt Americans dutifully exchange Canadian Tire money into American pesos for use on the illegal immigrant-run black markets down south eh?
8 Aug 2008 - Fourteenth US invasion of Canada
All four US military services see involvement in the opening minutes of this invasion, which lasts roughly until the end of the first commercial break of the Ducks-Leafs exhibition game.
- The US Air Force begins providing carpetbombing services to major Canadian cities until Calgary resistance issues statement that Canadian housewives prefer hardwood to carpet. This should not have come as a surprise. Not that Canadian housewives were getting enough of either in the first place.
- The US Navy destroys the entire Canadian submarine fleet in a single letter to Parliament explaining that the old, American, rusty, decommissioned diesel-powered derelicts are "no longer available for sale to you pathetic Francophiles."
- US Marine forces attempt to secure positions within Canadian borders early. Attempts are stymied and US policies are severely tested when Canada places Peter North on the front lines. New US policy adopted immediately by "grunts" (hey, it's their nickname, not ours) comes (pardon me) to be known as "Don't ask, don't tell, don't look, RUN AWAY!"
- US Army begins simultaneous land invasion along Saskatchewan-Manitoba border in attempt to deplete Canada of its vast bacon supplies, until an investigation of their existing c-rations reveals that Canadian bacon is really the exact same thing as a thickly-sliced Minnesota ham. Everyone heads home deeply unsatisfied.
- US President Mugabe eventually concedes he was acting on false intelligence from the CIA (Canadian Information Alliance, service provided by Russell Peters, Rick Mercer, and Ralph Klein), calling the intelligence report "gay." Mercer appeals to World Court to have Mugabe indibted for "crimes against humanity" and "being a dick, except, not that kind."
- As part of armistice deal, US agrees to "slightly moisten" Canada Dry.
- Subsequent RCMP investigation into how it is, exactly, that the above was posted on http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com on August 7, 2008 never arrives at satisfying conclusion. Committee disbands by 9:15am and heads over to Tim Horton's for double-doubles.
=1956 - Lester "the Molester" Pearson & Suez Crisis
- Creates the United Nations peacekeeping force, thus ensuring that nobody anywhere will ever be harmed again, ever. Canada sends a trickle of soldiers on UN tours.
History, "Fox News" Style
The American-Canadian War
After years of moderately peaceful coexistence America finally tired of Canada's "Hippy Pinko Bullshit", and Canada decided they were tired of America's pesky attempts at world domination. So the dogs of war were unleashed and the American army pushed north, brutally slaughtering literally tens of Canadian soldiers during beaver fever.
This, of course, angered Canadians to the point of apology.
Unfortunately American forces continued to push north, accidentally knocking over a T.V. antenna in the process. This led to the population of the entire city of Winnipeg (all 16 of them) missing the final period of a Jets/Nordiques game.
Pushed past the point of politeness, Winnipeg then pushed back, forcing the invading army back with snow shovels and rude words. Luckily the antenna was fixed before the angry mob of hosers managed to reach Mexico, as the Winnipegians promptly apologized and took the Americans back to a bar in Winnipeg for beers and hockey highlights.
The Canadians then burned down the White House. This part of history has conveniently been forgotten by both countries; the Americans had no mental capacity to remember the incodent, the Canadians because, as a witness reported after the incident, "were freekin' wrecked at the time 'cus I had a flat of O'keefes', then Bill came with a keg and before you know it we were into the Canadjan Crown. It wasn't a very nice thing to do and we're sorry, eh?".
This torching is not to be confused with the unrelated burning of the same building in the War of 1812 for more information), as that actually happened.
==Denmark vs. Canada?==
Although the highly anticipated Danish-Canadian War has not yet taken place, it is certain that a lot of hostility will take place, as Canada and Denmark both claim the rights to the sunny and tropical Hans Island. Also, they both claim exclusivity to being polite and being ignored by America.
Both countries are currently upgrading nuclear arsenals (Denmark's using wind power and Canada's are powered by old snowmobile batteries) and resetting alarm clocks (although Canada's national snowmobile-based alarm clock is missing its battery).
Canada's army (Bob, Larry, and two guys named Ted) is reportedly bullish about the possibility of war, but about actual war, not so much. It's unknown at this time if the Denmarkians are ready for war, as the Canadianites don't have a Demarkish translator, that position being lost in the last round of budget cuts.
The CBC reports that the Canadian prime minister has declared that Danishes are from now on to be called "freedom pastries".
The King of Denmark replied in turn, changing Canadian bacon to "freedom bacon".
More details will follow as events unfold...
Canada vs. DeGaulle
General Chuckles deGaullisme declares war on Canada by liberating Quebec with the popular though incoherant aphorism, "Vivre le Quebeq Liberia", which roughly translates into English as "Vitamin Vitality Liberates Quebec". Quebecers, always bitching about the Rest of Canada and forgeting that tens of ones of French Canadians accross English Canada, delcare sovereignty-association, and bomb mailboxes across their own land.
Canada vs. France ?II?
Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Mike down at the Derby in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. I am calling to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you, eh!"
"Well, Mike," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Mike after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Bob, and the entire Canadian Olympic curling team. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Mike, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Take off!" said Mike. "I'll have to call you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Mike called again. "Mister Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some real infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Mike?," Chirac asked.
"Well, we got the two combines, a bulldozer, and Bob's farm tractor."
Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Mike, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."
"Jesus!" said Mike. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Mike called again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jack McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of twenty-twos in the cockpit, and the girls from the peelers have joined us too!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Mike, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"
"Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!," said Mike, "I'll have to call you back."
Sure enough, Mike called again the next day. "G'day, Mister Chirac! I'm sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Mike, "the boys had a long chat over a bunch of beers and decided that there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."
The Canadian Revolution
In 1979, Pierre Elliot Trudeau led a revolution against Britain. His Liberal party marched on the Queen's palace and burned it to the ground, declaring it property of Ontario. He then forced the monarch at gun-point (actually, being a Canadian, he didn't have a gun; instead relying on a curling broom to get his point across) to sign a bill making Canada independent. He held her for ransom, demanding that Britain bring the Canadian constitution to Canada in exchange for her safe return. This would achieve Canadian independence, and did. The British Prime Minister, whoever it was, said, "Blimey! Canada can have their constitution. Screw Canada, we really don't care about Canada any more."
The constitution was first delivered to American troops, because British troops were afraid of Canada's state of general wide open-ness.
It took so long for the Americans to find Canada (as Americans couldn't figure out which state it was in), that the constitution was not delivered until 1982.
The Canadian De-Revolution
Shortly after Canada gained independence, it was lost when Mulroney led the Canadian de-revolution, in which Canada became a banana republic that served the United States Of America.
Brian Mulroney, the Prime Minister at the time, sang "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" to President Reagan to celebrate.
Canada continued to fail at independence when in 2004 the United States of Canada was formed by the Blue states and Canada.
However, it was not until 2006 that Canada surrendered all independence after its aging population surrendered to the indignity of Depends.
The Canadian Devolution/Reaction
In 2006, Mein Fuhrer Stephen Harper was elected to power in Canada.
Harper had originally come from the 51st American state of Alberta, but moved to Canada to create a puppet government for Emperor George Bush of the Holy Empire of Redneckica.
During The Night of Long Knives Harper purged the Liberal menace, removed anyone that thought that helping the poor was a good idea. He then crushed the NDP-Bloc Québecois rebellions, led by Comandante Jack Layton and Comrade Gilles Duceppe. Harper then ordered Canada to stay in Afghanistan where the Afghans continue to shoot at them, thinking that the troops are Americans in mukluks.
A moustachioed Jack Layton attempted to march on the parliament buildings. However, the gross lack of organisation and stoned demeanour of the NDP led to their defeat (as usual) and Harper continued his fascist ways, by restricting the media and zapping people who don't believe the delightful fairytale that Jesus Christ is their lord and saviour.
- ^ Statistics courtesy of Statistics Canada.
- ^ Canadians have failed to explain why it's "Maple Leafs" and not "Maple Leaves".
- ^ Canadians have asserted their status as not-Americans by using British spelling. This means that "o" is sometimes followed by "u" (like the after the second "o" in "colour"), other times not so much (like after the first "o" in "colour"). Of course, Americans cannot understand anything, and cannot spell because they spell socks as sox and through like thru. Canadians also take great pride in pronouncing the last letter of the alphabet "zed" like the rest of the world, instead of "zee" like Americans because Americans are the only ones dumb enough to use a rhyme scheme for the alphabet because they would forget it otherwize. These simple things are other ways which Canadians can, simply and without much effort, differentiate themselves from Americans (aside from Canada's ineffectual government & military and the fact that Brits drive on the left, Americans on the right and Canadians in the middle).
- ^ This conversation comes from R.C.M.P. wiretaps of Jacque Chirac and Mike from Hamilton...or it used to, but the R.C.M.P. has already erased the tapes.