Kyoto Protocol

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“the Kyoto Protocol is an excellent way of us politicians being able to slack off and do... um... the very important stuff of national dependabilitationismists. we shall soon de- unitifricalibrateionadfricallistionadialateafy the Japanese for their superindofresticalopticalgrndialoticrishendosticalinfersionadiaglepticontionufringiciallistical work on this marvelous protocol.”

~ George Bush on The Kyoto Protocol

The Kyoto Protocol or Kyoto Protocol to the United Nations Framework Convention of Industrial Nations Conspiring Against Beer Consumption but really Bush or The Kut Your Own Testicles Off Protocol is an international protocol made in Kyoto by a framework convention of Industrial nations conspiring against uh, beer consumption.


The Kyoto Protocol, also probably known as the Kyoto Protocol to the United Nations Framework Convention of Industrial Nations Conspiring Against Bush, Penises, And beer consumption. was made in Japan. The Japanese don't drink beer very well (well, not cool beer like Molson Canadian). Therefore, the protocol is a piece of Japanese imperialist dogma.

But primarily, it is only trying to get worldwide beer consumption back to 1992 levels. The prohibitionists are still going to win out in the end. Damn.

Criticism has come from internationally renowned Scientologist brewmeisters in the form of "what about the pop companies... they make people burp too!" The nearest Coca-Cola representatives (all 2,384,482 of them as these are internationally renowned statements) counter-countered those counter-statements by saying something along the lines of "well at least we don't make people fat!" Cooks counter-counter-countered those counter-counter statements by saying "well, a pound of butter is roughly a two cups on the counter" after which the universe ceased to expand under the weight of the bullshit rivaling that created by the ongoing global warming "argument".


Oprah Winfrey, president of United States of Canada, thinks that Unity, as in United Nations, is a Good Thing. Canadian Prime Minister wannabe Stephane Dion is possibly the largest supporter of Kyoto, promising to force G8 allies to live up to Kyoto demands or else he will be snooty, like most French people, to them. This counters Doctor Phil's statement "I'm a F***ing drunk pimp. LOL."


George Bush, president of Jesus land, is unable to spell Kyoto, stopping any legislation regarding it in its tracks. Eventually, he may get around to enacting it, but the legislation may take as long to write as if a thousand monkeys were typing on a thousand keyboards. Statisticians disagree, though, because in fact in this case there is only one monkey typing on one keyboard.

The fiery heat of that burn has just melted the polar ice caps, causing a scientific effect that has just sent the Earth into a new ice age, rendering any argument about beer or global warming null and void, and causing the Kyoto Protocol to be irrelevant. Important note: next week is drink your own semen day, so don't forget to take your vibrators/ dildos to work.


Australia, after a change of name of the governing party for tax reasons, recently signed the Protocol in order to distinguish themselves from the previous party. They did this safe in the belief that all the other signatory nations would also fail to meet their obligations and so Australians could carry on freely increasing beer consumption. Or if not they could just change the name of the governing party again and blame the previous party (as is normal in most western 'democracies'). They have offered government grants to people and businesses which it is obvious no true Australian would ever take up, for example, A$5,000 is available to any home which throws out the beer cooler and the BBQ.

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