UnCameron
Hi, my name is David Cameron and I'm the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. You can call me Dave if you wish, not that I'm trying to tell you what to do. "David" is fine. My mother calls me David and she's a lovely woman, so either way it's cool.
This is my own personal uncyclopedia article. I've created this, because I feel that in this modern age of ipods and nanos, it is important to connect with young people and do it in the medium and language that they understand, L.O.L. [1]
About Me
I was brought up in the heaving, multi-cultural metropolis of Wantage in Oxfordshire, by my mother Mary and father Ian: a humble stockbroker. Some people say we were wealthy, but I think "comfortable" is a more accurate description of our circumstances. And we certainly weren't as comfortable as you would expect of the grandson of Sir William Malcolm Mount, 2nd Baronet!
I was educated at a small school called Eton where I achieved reasonable grades, but these were good enough to study at my local university in Oxford. I may or may not have led a very quiet life at university. We probably shouldn't dwell on that fact. The same goes for my time at Eton. Nothing particularly interesting happened in my private life before politics (a private life which I'm perfectly entitled to, by the way) and nobody really cares about it anyway. I don't even know why I brought it up.
I am very much the family man. I have a beautiful wife[2], called Samantha. We have two children together: Nancy and little Elwen and now we have another little one on the way! Obviously, it was not ideal for us to get pregnant right before the election campaign, but we persevered and were out on the doorsteps of this great country with a blue rosette in one hand and little pink bootees in the other[3].
I am a very hands on father. I change nappies, do the hoovering and typical household stuff like that. If you want to watch me do everyday ordinary things, or see exclusive images of my private family life go here!. Alternatively, you could just look in the newspaper. I'm sure there'll be something.
I became Member of Parliament for Witney in 2001 and then in 2005 was chosen as leader of the Conservative Party. Can you believe that? I thought I was signing up for a bridge tournament and I ended up winning the Tory leadership contest! Turns out I'm better at winning elections than I am at cards!
Then in 2010 I won the general election and became Prime Minister. The faith and trust which the British electorate put in me on May 6th is truly humbling. It is an honour and a privilege to be given the opportunity to represent all of you, the great British public, as your leader. I should probably point out that Nick Clegg won the election too. Well done Nick. So, in the spirit of cohesion and coalition unity, here are some of my policies that Nick and I will look to implement over the coming years.
Policies
Well, I think it is important to understand that the most common mistake in politics is to rush into policy-making. Really what is needed at this stage in time is a period of reflection where we figure out who the Conservatives are in the 21st century. Only then will it be prudent for the party to gather together as one and decide what it is that I think. Having said this, I do have some "beliefs". Let's have a look shall we?
Happiness
I believe that happiness is a very important and often overlooked part of both British politics and life. As leader of the modern Conservative Party it is my mission to bring a little bit more sunshine into all our lives. I hope this is an idea that we as a nation can get behind.
Children
I believe that children are the future. One day, years from now, they will be the adults and therefore we should do everything in our power to make sure that the children are one day in the position, in the future, to be of adult age. Not that we should deny them the opportunity to be children in the meantime. As a parent, it concerns me that children are increasingly being sexualised while they're still children and not yet ready to be sexualised in that way. The modern Conservative Party promises to crack down on any company that markets itself to children in an overtly sexual way. It is our intention to ban any such companies from bidding for government contracts, starting with Bliss and Sugar magazine. We also think paedophilia is wrong. I have consulted Mumsnet on the issue and I, as a parent, am confident that a majority of the electorate will agree with me on this.
I do think however, that it's important to let our children be adults in the future, when the time arises. If something happens to put that future adulthood in jeopardy[4], then you can rest assured that the Conservatives will be there to help, whether that means better education, extra pocket money to go see a P Diddy concert, or something as simple as a hug. We must also bomb all grammar schools off the face of the earth.
POLICY UPDATE!!! Sorry, did I say bomb the grammar schools? Oops! What I meant to say was that we shouldn't build any new ones at the moment. You can see how one can get confused between the two. So to clarify, let's keep the grammars. I also wish to clarify that this is not a U-turn, it is merely a clarification of my original position on the matter. Go grammars!
Puppies and Kittens
As leader of a nation of animal lovers, I believe that little furry animals are all sweet and cuddly. We as a people should give them love and kisses and tasty little treats for being good pets. People stop me in my constituency and say "Dave, are you a dog person or a cat person?" and I ask them "Why should I be either?" There's no need for such arbitrary boundaries when all we are arguing about is love. Dogs and cats should not be segregated, but brought together so that they develop an understanding at an early age. Then we may stop them from fighting "like cats and dogs".
The Environment
Now bear with me here, because what I'm going to say might be considered a bit controversial. I believe that the heating of the earth, leading to catastrophic changes to our climate, including the melting of the polar ice caps and the subsequent raising of sea-levels leading to a terrible watery death for all mankind is a bad thing. Ideally, we don't want it to happen. So, the days when the Tories would go out on team-bonding holidays logging and hunting pandas are behind us. The Conservative Party is now committed to preserving the environment in which we live and to show this commitment, we now have a tree as our logo! Beat that, Labour!
I of course do my bit to help. I'm using a more environmentally friendly hairspray. So, not only do I look good, I do good. Well, of course, that depends on your definition of good, I'm not trying to impose my ideas of style on anyone here. In fact, I'm doing the exact opposite (see below). On top of that, I cycle to work. My car now only drives my papers to the Commons, reducing the car's weight and therefore the fuel consumption. The cycle helmet plays havoc with my hair though.
The Holocaust
It is my belief that Nazi Germany's systematic killing of the Jews was a bad thing. Furthermore, Hitler was an evil dictator. In order to ensure that such evil, bad things should never happen again, my MEPs will sit with them in the European Parliament (to keep an eye on them) and two of my Conservative backbenchers will be sent on a trip to visit Auschwitz. Let's hope they come back, eh?
POLICY UPDATE!!! It has come to my attention, that insinuating that I wanted to kill my backbenchers in concentration camps was in poor taste. Therefore, they won't be going. It was a silly, gimmicky idea anyway.
Foreign policy
I think it's very important to be visible and proactive in world affairs. When I heard about the war in Georgia, I made sure I got a flight to the Caucasus as soon as safely possible. While there, I had many productive discussions, covering matters such as who I am and what exactly I was doing in Tblisi. I also had several long conversations with Dmitry Medvedev's office. His secretary is a very nice lady.
I can assure you that, as your Prime Minister, I will exhibit the requisite statesmanship and charm to talk to world leaders. Even as I write this, I am gaining the necessary experience to ensure that they won't confuse me for Tony Blair again.
Change
I hope you agree with me that those are some very impressive policies. However, I often felt that my election manifesto was missing something. Then, last November, while I was holidaying in America, it came to me. What our country needs is change: a change of politics, a change in the way we manage the country, a change of leader. I think that, whatever your opinion of me or my policies, the vast majority of people in this country agree that there is at least one issue that could do with a change of some sort. Statistically, I am far more likely to oversee such a change of an unspecified nature to such a situation, than my predecsessor. That is what I offer. Whatever it may be or however it might come about, I promise that a United Kingdom under my premiership would be in some way different to a United Kingdom run by the Labour Party.
Dave's hair referendum
So, I recently purchased a new comb while attending a fundraising event for comic relief (give money for Africa, my friends) and I've started experimenting with new ways to style the Cameron locks. So I thought "I've got a popular, interactive website. What better way to reach a coiffure-conclusion than to ask my readers what hairstyle they'd vote for?" I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out.
You are not entitled to view results of this poll.
The A-List
Right, so here's the problem. All my MPs, as good as they are (and they really do a very very good job), are all old, white and horribly middle class. And we really don't want that do we? No we don't. Not at all. Definitely not. So who do you call when you need to freshen up your back benches? Why the A-List of course! They're just like the A-Team, except instead of fighting crime they stand as Tory candidates for the House of Commons, which I think is a dangerous mission in itself! So if you think you're up to the challenge, and you can find us, these are the sort of people we're looking for.
- People from ethnic minorities. We need more black or Asian people to come into our party and kick some ass like BA. "I ain't going on no plane fool!"
- Young People. We need some young "faces" in our party. So if you're as young and in tune with the youth of today as I am, then why not apply? If you're a failed soap actor or were a reality TV star, then even better. Ann Widdecombe may have been on Celebrity Fit Club, but she can't fly the TV flag all alone.
- People with Disabilities. Maybe you're in a wheelchair, or are blind. Or maybe you're "howling mad" like Murdoch. Either way, disabled people are more than welcome in the Conservative Party.
- Women. Margaret Thatcher was a woman and I think she did a very good job (I'm not sure if that makes me a Thatcherite. I haven't decided on that yet). So let's have some more ladies in Westminster, eh? They tell us men what to do everywhere else, so why not in parliament? This doesn't quite fit into my A-Team analogy, though. Hannibal was always dressing up, I guess, so he could have been a woman. Come to think of it, we haven't got any transvestites in our party either. So come on trannies! Why not pin a blue rosette to your dress?
My Cabinet
Of course, I can't put my beliefs into practice all on my own, so this section of my article is dedicated to my trusted servants comrades conservatives. I would happily go to war with these men. I mean that figuratively, of course. I may have voted in favour of the war at the time, but knowing what we know now, I would definitely have a good long think before possibly considering perhaps sending our boys to war if I had that decision in hindsight. Now that we've cleared that up, may I introduce my cabinet! Conservatives are shown here in blue, Lib Dems in yellow. Apologies if that makes the Liberals hard to see.
- William Hague. "Willy" is my greatest asset, as his experience in leading the Conservative Party to defeat in the 2001 election, is extensive. He is always giving me sound party-leader advice, like "never wear baseball caps in public". His wise, Oxford-educated, mind provides the perfect head for the position of foreign secretary. He can also drink the rest of the cabinet under the table. It's quite impressive.
- Nick Clegg. As leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, has taken on the prestigious post of Deputy Prime Minister in my coalition government. This means he gets full control of important government matters, such as sitting next to me in the Commons and looking after my office when I have somewhere more important to be. Obviously, Nick and I are from different parties and are quite different people. He went to Westminster School and Cambridge, for example. However, we have similar tastes in suits and both enjoy watching Cash In The Attic, so that's something. Nick and I have developed a strong working relationship and Nick can be proud to work in such an illustrious office, treading in the footsteps of John Prescott and Harriet Harman.
- George Osborne. George Gideon Oliver Osborne is my chancellor of the Exchequer. He's virtually come straight out of Oxford, where I hear he was quite the ladies' man. But Ozzy's married now, so well done with that. He's like Gordon Brown to my Tony Blair, except younger, better looking and not after my job. We both agreed that he's too young to be leader at the moment. Ozzy is doing his utmost to pull this great country out of its current economic slump. He cares about each and every worker in this country and, alongside his colleague Danny Alexander, will work his fingers to the bone to cut back this nasty deficit and protect your jobs.
- Danny Alexander. He's going to take your benefits, raise your taxes and slash public spending. He's going to take away your doctors, police and teachers. He's going to take away your holiday to the Channel Islands, because he's selling those to France. Don't you think about moving back in with your elderly parents, because he's taking their winter fuel allowance and they'll be dead within the year. He's cutting back on defence, transport and social services, on counter-terrorism, prisons and the environment. And he's ginger too.
- Theresa May. When she's not out buying shoes, Teresa is putting her Oxford degree to good use as the Home Secretary. I firmly believe that Teresa is the ideal person for one of the government's most challenging and complicated departments. She's a great organiser. They're all colour-coded and in order of heel-size. Unfortunately, given the current economic climate, she can't buy as many shoes as she used to. That is why we have instituted an annual cap on all new pairs of shoes coming into Teresa's household. We are yet to decide on the exact number, but expect to complete our consultations with Clarks and Brantano by the end of the year.
- Vince Cable. Before the 2010 election, Vince won plaudits nationwide for his skilful advocacy of both greater banking regulation and allowing the recovery to take hold before cutting back the national deficit. Of course, none of that is going to happen, but he is doing an excellent job of promoting our slash and burn deficit reduction plans as the new Business Secretary. Great to have you on board, Vince, you little bald beauty!
- Oliver Letwin. My fellow old-Etonian and great pal Ollie is doing a wonderful job for me as chairman of the policy review. He also makes an excellent cup of tea.
- Michael Gove. Michael Gove is unusual in my cabinet. Govey didn't attend an independent secondary and instead went to a state school before going to Oxford. This early trauma has instilled in him a lifelong passion for improving our schooling system. It is his mission to end all this state interference in our state schools and allow them to be more independent. That is why, when I came to form my cabinet, Govey was the natural choice for education secretary. Unfortunately, when I announced my list of cabinet posts, I accidentally made him defence secretary. However, I had a few more goes and I eventually came to the correct list. All's well that ends well.
- Alan Duncan. We call him "the cox", alluding to his background on the Oxford Rowing team. A flamboyant, colourful speaker, he loves the razzmatazz of the TV panel game circuit and they love him back. And he's single, ladies! Coxy is a much-loved guest on Have I got News For You, where his subtle wit and good-humour have seen him invited back time and again, earning him a considerable amount in appearance fees. He has to supplement his parliamentary wage somehow.
- Boris Johnson. He's not actually in my cabinet, but having being elected as London mayor, he's the second most popular Tory in the country [5]. People love BoJo for his blustering old-Etonian charms, but he went to Oxford, and so he's much cleverer than he looks. Or sounds. As I always say, "Boris is Boris." He's a maverick and not always representative of the modern Conservative party. You really shouldn't pay serious attention to anything he says or does. That said, his London election victory was a great success for us and it shows that the party - my party - are ready for government.
Bye!
I hope you've enjoyed this exclusive sneak peak into my world as much as I have enjoyed guiding you through it. Why not vote for me on this very democratic website and get in some practice for the next election? Thanks for your support. Make sure you come back and look out for updates direct from the laptop on my kitchen table, but right now, I'm going to wash up the porridge.
Footnotes
- ↑ Laugh Out Loud
- ↑ not that I'm in any way comparing her to Nick's wife, Miriam. Who is very beautiful too, I must add. Now that we are in coalition together, it is important we agree on such things.
- ↑ That's not to say that we want a girl. We'd be perfectly happy to have a little boy if that's what our baby chooses to be. And if it is a boy, he'll get the blue rosette.
- ↑ For example, maybe they get caught pointing an imaginary gun at a distinguished and much-loved public figure, who then demands the police prosecute them on drugs charges.
- ↑ He's not as popular as me.
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