Law of the United Kingdom

“What is law? Bobby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more!”

~ Haddaway

British people are often noted for their hatred of France.

The Law of the United Kingdom in the backbone of traditional British society. Great Britain's system of law enforcement is divided into three parts: Scotland Yard, the IRA and freelance inspectors. Scotland Yard employs a vast network of "constables" to enforce petty law on the streets, such as traffic violations and vandalism. Their only pieces of equipment are a whistle and a nightstick, severely limiting their crime-fighting capabilities.

Thusly, most larger criminal cases in Great Britain are handled by freelance inspectors. Though these inspectors share similar qualities, such as heightened eyesight and cocaine addiction, they come in all shapes and sizes. Commissioner of Police Arthur Conan Doyle sheds some light on the situation:

“ Some of the most legendary law enforcers in British history have been children, such as the The Famous Five or Nancy Drew. These young upstarts are few and far between nowadays, as most successful freelance inspectors stick to the tried-and-true stereotype: deerstalker cap, calabash pipe, and a trench coat stuffed with baggies of cocaine. ”

The IRA is the British bomb disposal unit. It is a separate entity from Scotland Yard and operates under the direct authority of the Queen. The IRA is widely regarded as the best bomb squad in the world and is directly responsible for preventing thousands of tragedies, particularly in Northern Island.

Punishment

Great Britain no longer believes in Punishment. It now prefers a meeting with social workers, followed by a community assistance grant, free holiday with other children from deprived areas, a free tracksuit, free bus travel, more benefits and a nice nap with a blankey and a bottle, there, there, who's a nice chav? England still does though. They just don't want us to know about it. Caning is well practise and very well used.

Law enforcement

Law is controlled by cops known as 'Boobies' - topless women prancing around towns and cities with nothing better to do. The common law (so called because it is wilfully obscure and tremendously expensive) is used to decide disputes between rich people who for some reason decide not to call out their retainers for trial by battle. Most of the time in court is spent staring at the 'Boobies' boobies! Usually the richest wins. Common people are not allowed to use the common law. They just sort out differences with fists or knives. They would use guns, but they're harder to get a hold of than in the States. However, there are usually militias or mobs that police the towns or cities, helping to rid the slums of homeless peasants. Due to the excellent law enforcement, Britain is the safest and most just kingdom in all of Christendom.

Judiciary

The British judicial system is more successful than any judicial system implemented on any other planet except Earth and Epsilon675. Crime rates have dropped year on year due to the falling population; what with all the murders...

Job prospects for law graduates are currently excellent due to overwhelming demand. However, before pursuing a legal career you must take the Hypocritic Oath, in which you swear to let as many bad guys go free as possible - thereby ensuring a plentiful supply of repeat customers.

Weapon Bans

There are numerous other bans in Britain as well, most notably: Rifles, shotguns, large knives, small knives, butter knives, pen knifes, pointy sticks, large rocks, pointy rocks, large pointy rocks, small rocks, pointy small rocks, blunt rocks, rocks, large books, bug spray, string, Immigrants, Kitty-launchers, Arabs, hamsters, Nuclear missiles, pickups with plows, pickups with pointy fronts, 4x4's with bullbars, compacts with pointy fronts, compacts with plows, beach balls (Just think of those sharp seams! Somebody could get cut!), Teddy Bears, and overly sharpened pencils (as those would qualify as pointy sticks). Paper is still obtainable but there is a ten day waiting period as one could get a nasty paper cut. Predictably, now only criminals have access to weapons of any sort, although anyone stupid enough not to realise that of course criminalising the ownership of guns makes owners of guns criminals should be shot, or the British equivalent, kicked to death. Criminals are still, for some reason, able to get their hands on weapons easily, while the firearms enthusiasts who have no criminal intent are unable to buy the Kalashnikov or Pencil Sharpener they want so badly. The reason for this is ban is due to the fact that the British man's natural enemy is the French, who of course are too wimpy to fight back. In a nutshell, you aren't allowed to carry anything sharper than a hard boiled egg.

NOTE: People who live in the countryside MAY equip them selves with shotguns, and various Police men may be armed, homemade weapons are perfectly legal, and you may brutally murder someone without fear of a fine or punishment as long as you're a social worker.

Footnotes

This page was originally sporked from Britain.