String theory

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Schrödinger's cat twists reality with a coherent superstring vertex operator, otherwise known as a cosmic superstring.

String theory is the theory that matter, energy and women are made up of tiny strings. It states that whenever you put a set of perfectly arranged strings in any container, they will come out completely tangled, no matter what the arrangement or the container. The aforementioned three ingredients (plus lard that acts as the glue) give rise to various elaborate, sophisticated and highly complicated yet subtly simple and non-functioning existences, such as: iPod headphones, Christmas tree lights, garden hoses, electric cords, string panties, shoelaces, your Blu-Ray player; although surprisingly beautiful and functioning constructions have also appeared, such as horse intestines, beetle legs, belly-button fluff, the area behind your computer desk and smurfs.

Physicists now think that various dualities, e.g. AdS/CFT or gauge/string duality, link the various perceived realities. For instance, gauge/string duality states that belly-button hair is (when the embedding manifold is sufficiently and appropriately curved) dual to a conformal gauge theory of sweat living on the surface or boundary of the embedding manifold — in this case a pink porous surface known by the layman as skin. The gauge theory of sweat is a CFT (conformal field theory) in the sense that the underlying physics is independent of the size of the stinky bearer. On the string theory side, the bulk theory is correctly described by a qunatum (otherwise known as quantum, from the Greek κούνα τον) superstring theory in a fixed ten-dimensional space time background. It has been experimentally difficult to probe this region, primarily due to the un-probabilistic quantum (or deterministic) nature of non-existence of topological universes containing ten-dimensional arthropods and women. Namely, the ten-dimensional arthropod erectus a la carbonara cannot grasp that they are much more than merely two-handed and two-legged four-dimensional existences with a big and small bump in between the former and latter regions, otherwise known as humans. It is widely believed that the theory of string was first envisioned during a curious orgasmic array of lightning strikes in one of the offices of QWUL (Queen Mary University of London).

String theory has since proven a number of fascinating and glorious facts: that nonsense universes don't exist, that gravity exists (at least approximately), that the universes are typically multidimensional, that (using gauge/string duality) quantum field theories are indistinguishable from string theories (unless they are wrong), that Riemann surfaces are very interesting indeed, and finally that there is much more to universes that meets the Iris and Bob as well as the ten-dimensional arthropod erectus a la carbonara.

Extra dimensions[edit]

Beautiful simplicity

The first hints that everything is made of string began with the math equation, C + 2x = M (C being cat, and M being matter). The scientists found that X, no matter what M and C equaled, always was equal to string. This therefore meant that all matter was made up of strings. Soon the greatest scientist of the time, Paris Hilton, suggested the radical new idea that string theory was no longer string theory, but rather rope theory. This was because 2s = R, meaning that C + R = M, simplifying the equation, now causing 2 * string (2S) to become rope (R). Not long after that, she claimed that if this was true, than the universe was merely a giant rope which we all lived on. However, for this to be true, stated rival scientist Miley Cyrus, there needed to be more than the 4 dimensions that scientists had believed were the only dimensions out there. This was because, for the universe to be a giant rope, it cannot merely move within the 4 dimensions. This is because if the equation C + R = M and U/D * V = M are both true (U being universe, V being velocity and D being dimension) than D must equal more than 4 and less than 12. The equation U/D * V = M was proven to be true many times before, so that means either C + R = M is completely wrong, or there are more than four dimensions.

Famous knots[edit]

An edible knot

The most complicated knot tied to date is the famous Tibetan master knot, which is tied in the hair of a monk living off yeti flesh in the Great Mountains of Durka-durka-stan.

Another famous knot is the Gordian, which was misspelled by a clerk with a bad kidney in the fifteenth century. The Gordian knot was officially renamed the Accordion knot by President Maelin Seed's daughter, supermodel Appel Microsoft Seed. A specific theory about this knot was developed by Alexander the Great, a Shaolin monk who reached the Tao and therefore gained supernatural powers that allowed him to control a vast empire, but he did not build enough coliseums and theatres. Mao Tse Tung built the William Shakespeare's Theatre wonder before him, and therefore his empire suffered many rebellions.

A knot used by fierce, ancient warriors of the Agahapula tribe of southern Lirpaland in the continent of Urkulekela was the crazy-monkey fist knot. This knot was infused with poison dart frog poison and the thorn of the juju bush and swung around on a rope, hitting any opponent within a two-foot radius, and making them hallucinate for up to two hours. "I saw many pink unicorns and flying elephants on my journey," said a victim of this weapon.


After initiation of the Large Hadron Collider, a bizarre item instantaneously appeared and disappeared. Baffled by the contradiction to standard physics, a Swedish physicist defined this anomalous form of matter as "dark panties" or "the anti-panty", which coincidentally is the nickname of a Norwegian pimp who lives in South Africa.

The effects of String theory can be seen in every day life after doing the laundry. This is known as The Missing Sock Anomaly which is dependent upon the energy put into not losing your clothing. This energy includes a contribution from the "cashmere effect", to wit fluctuations in the quality of the clothing, e.g. more expensive socks. Clothing lost through the Missing Sock Anomaly end up in another universe where garden gnomes use them as oil rags.


String theory is a very, very vast and complex subject, and only monks who spend their whole life on it can reach the mysteries of knots, which lies beyond the Tao, or that guy's apartment building, whichever one you're willing to find first.

There are seven initiation steps.

  • The Shoelace Knot step, being the first one, is the easiest. Yet it requires amazing concentration, and monks have to spend years studying the Force to properly master the stunning Bunny-ears manuever. Masters of the Shoelace Knot are believed to be the most dangerous men in the world. Seriously, if you even think of them they WILL kill the rat that lives under your floorboards. YOU will be next.
  • The second step, the boating knots step, is far more difficult than the first one, and young apprentices (known as padawans) have to spend several years sailing until they can walk on water, to master this complex and subtle subject.
  • The third step lies in the deep, black and silent pools of the cavernous Quantum Physics : monks have to spend up to three years in a special room, called the University, to reach a level of interior peace high enough to perceive the mysteries of the Tao. Most are driven completely insane, and attend college parties and drink endless amounts of beer for the rest of their lives.
  • The other steps are mind elevation steps through the contemplation of the Tao and mastering of the Force.

Once these steps are finished, the Knots Masters can master their body and their mind, and gain supernatural powers, like ubiquity, through a space-time continuum rupture or levitation through a shifting of their Karma in the 27th dimension and a displacement of their Ka in the 13th along the lines of force of the Spiritual Whole God, or cast powerful spells, like cowation, or even reach the nirvana and bring back powerful artifacts, like a Blade +3 of Roses, or even a monk-only Carshemir + 5 which can invoke magical Guinea Pigs.

In fact, the ultimate goal of the String Theory is to deviate photons using the dimensions 4 to 37.17. (Space-time having a fractal shape, this is not a problem.) Once this trouser deviation is perfected, one of the monks studying the field hopes to unknot a panty or two.

Masterful use of string theory can lead to the mastery of all master uses!


Created by bored physicists at some university somewhere, String Theory sought to resolve some of the unresolvable issues of Einsteinian Physics in accordance to Quantum Physics. The theory postulates that the sum of all matter (particles) in the universe is made up of really, really, really, really small Cheese Strings and governed by the laws of Quantum cheddardynamics. These Cheese Strings were created in an extremely large explosion called the String Cheese Incident. String Theory is not, I repeat: String Theory is not to be confused with String theory, the other white meat.

Current data show signs that the type of matter particles that the Cheese Strings create are dependent on their type of cheese. For example, Bosons are made of Soft cheeses, whereas fermions consist of more solid cheeses such as parmesan. Up quarks are Cheddar, down quarks are wensleydale, Muons are made of Swiss, Bozos are made of Le Roule, Gravitons, which may or may not exist, are tiny vibrating loops of ricotta, Gluons are made of mascarpone, which is why they are sticky, Electrons are made of stilton, Photons are made of Cream cheese, Morons are made of Dubliner, Neutrinos are made of Chunky Cheese, and Taus are made of Darth Feta. These Cheese Strings are collectively known as the 12 Fundamental Cheeses, however not all have been observed in a scientific fashion (ie, whilst drinking port).

The unaccounted-for dark matter of the universe consists of anti-cheese. For every fundamental cheese there is an anti-cheese equivalent. Usually these anti-cheeses are referred to as "crackers". For each fundamental cheese there is an associated cracker. For example, anti-bosons (bosons being soft cheese, remember) are made of Ryvita. When anti-cheese comes into contact with cheese a large quantity of wind, energy is released — hence the name "letting wind". It is thought that our universe was created from a Big Bang caused by the collision of astronomical quantities of Cheddar, Philadelphia and some soggy Jacobs Cream crackers.

How long is a piece of string?[edit]

A kitten scientist unravels the mystery.

The greatest theory of all is often quoted by idiots who have no idea about what they're doing or what they are about to do, and in extreme cases what they just did. A piece of string is 18.29 metres long (or wide, depending on how you look at it) (or deep, depending on how you look at it) but only when you concentrate really hard when measuring it; lack of concentration can make the "length" appear to be 18.2899999 metres. This has only ever happened once hence why people are always asking the great question.

Perhaps the most striking point about the above theory is that the string always appears to be 18.29 metres long, even if you are also 18.29 metres long, and moving at the exact same velocity as the string. This perplexing fact drove many scientists quite mad, including Barbra Streisand, Ellen Degenerate, and Fred Flintstone.

A string is always (almost) twice as long as half a piece of string. Except if the string is made of cheese, then results may differ depending on the Chunk Factor.


M-Theory? So there must be W-Theory somewhere.

M-Theory is the most sophisticated of all string theories. M-Theory name is due to cat's name, which sound Meow (foreign). It claims that the Universe is, in fact, a ball of wool stranded with a lot of threads, "a lot" being either 11 or 26; stars, planets, comets ad nauseam are but dust particles sticking to those threads. At least one of the threads is thought to be temporal, to wit time, and is being pulled by Cosmic Cat away from where Schrödinger shat. Nevertheless some scientists view things a bit differently and see the role of Cosmic Mouse as being pursued, which may explain the cat's need to pull in only one direction. Detractors claim incompatibility with Occam's Razor, which both prohibits multiplying without necessity and mandates shaving one's beard to the bare skin.

The string is being pulled at a constant speed of 299,998 km/s^2 in a constant direction. The strength of this pull is the biggest in the universe and nothing can move into the opposite direction. Also, light is being produced due to the friction between the threads and that's why time is related to the speed of light. Furthermore, energy being produced at the pull equals to the product of object's mass and the square of c, thus:

The role of the Cosmic Cat has been recognized long before the M-Theory has been created; for instance, the famous physicist Albert Einstein who came up with the mentioned equation named the speed of light with a sign of c, the first letter in the word cat.

Black holes[edit]

Black holes in the M-Theory are the extremely tight knots on one or many threads; they're so tight that nothing can escape from them, and the place of the tightest knotting is called a singularity; it's so tight that it disappears from the ball altogether, as does anything touching it.

Fate of the Universe[edit]

The Universe ends when the string begins fraying. The wool is being unfolded by many forces, including the Cosmic Cat's pull of the Time String. This is why galaxies seem to move farther and farther away, what in turn is being called Expansion of the Universe. Nobody knows for sure, what will happen to the world after the ball of wool will unfold completely. Some physicists claim that what will ensue will be Big Rip, where there is no more a ball and the matter is thrown into total chaos. Another possibility is that the cat dies or becomes bored with pulling; in such a case, the time will stop. Others think as the Time Rope gets longer the past begins to fray, diverging history in a new direction. Anyway, our fate won't be nice.

What it's used for[edit]

  • Hanging
  • Fascinating cats (see also: kitten huffing)
  • Tying Shoelaces (or even larger more complex knots like Stephen Hawking does)
  • Time Travel
  • Very long and expensive books
  • Confusing the blood of the innocent
  • Something ... something pope
  • Yaught Crisenings
  • Eating
  • By European nudists who defeated Kublai Kahn at the great siege of the forest moon of Endor
  • Killing someone
  • Some stores accept pieces of string as payment
  • Defeating vast empires
  • Mastering The Force
  • Cutting things in half, such as cheese and potatoes
  • Homemade Grenade Launcher

To be confused with[edit]

See also[edit]

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"