Jammie Dodgers
Jammy Dodgers, a cheese sandwich and jam owned by British company Burtons, are said to be the dodgiest sandwich known to man, coming first in a recent poll to find the world's least popular convenience food. The Dodger topped the survey beating Choco Leibnez and Pink Panther Wafers.
Ingredients[edit]
The jam inside the troublesome sandwich is labelled as raspberry jam, but it is in actual fact, according to Burtons' official website everyone's over-protective mother, a mixture of:
| “ | Mashed plums and assorted brain-tampering chemicals. | ” |
The idea behind these 'unusual' ingredients stemmed from the fact designers liked to see kids bounce off the walls uncontrollably, destroying their living environment and their parents' sanity. Also real jam is clearly not sticky enough. This was proved in a recent demonstration on CITV's kids show Art Attack, which promoted the use of jam as a substitute for PVA glue. However, this inadvertently caused an increase in the ant population who began feeding off kids' flimsily paper mached jam sculptures around the country.
Promotion[edit]
Past promotion projects dreamed up by Saatchi and Saatchi involving mythical Jam Wrestlers failed miserably because during the filming of the campaign they broke free of the set and violently smothered all the crew involved with jam.
Several other ideas involved replacing car wheels with giant Dodgers causing traffic to crumble, and a promotion campaign involving the 'Queen Of Hearts' didn't even start because she made herself ill by eating too many jam biscuits before the filming session.
Most recently, Burtons' Let the Jam Decide campaign was launched with mixed success. Though initially a big hit, sales in Dodgers began to fall when the campaign's spearhead, Paul Weller, admitted he hated the biscuit. He was even more annoyed when Burtons offered to pay him in jam.
Controversy[edit]
The Jammy Dodger became an icon in the underground crime population. Several waste batches thrown away developed as life forms and scampered off into the wild forming their own tribe. They developed bad habits such as picking at their heart shaped holes, lazing around and farting. Many disbanded and made alliance with the biscuit mafia.
Several attempts at capturing footage or photos of such species caused journalists and enthusiasts to be rolled over by the sheer force of the dodgers, and a record of 12 deaths have been reported by Jammy Dodger abuse. The production of Jammy Dodgers also caused a 13% increase in the crime rate in the UK: 78 cases of bank robbery, 56 of violent conduct, and several thousands cases of jam related deaths. Although the Jammy Dodgers were to blame for all this, people still gave in to the sweet sugar rush incurred by the biscuits.
Popular Demand[edit]
The Jammy Dodger became a mildly successful product in many parts of the world. After many years of bad press and dodgy dealings "Jammy Dodgers on the Run," a book by Bowering (Boring) Sivers became instantly popular from its release. There was a plan to distribute copies with the hidden recipe for the biscuit, but experts put a halt to the project and claimed:
| “ | It would be bloody dangerous. | ” |
Instead the book offers a free £5 gift voucher to spend at Tesco. The book was also a hit with the youth culture. Much to a point where over 76% of school graduates went to their celebratory fancy dress parties as Jammie Dodgers. The heart shaped hole in the suits also gave room for opportunists thieves to smuggle buffet and booze undetected.
The Public Eye[edit]
Ever since the first Dodger was created, its rise to fame has been noted in the popular media, with the ups and downs of the biscuit being the subject of much tabloid attention. At the peak of its popularity (for one month in 1999), the Dodger managed to be featured in the North-West version of The Sun, with a centre-page pull out feature on 'Jammy Bodgers', and even the front page of the Stockport Observer when a man was found beaten up in a dark alley covered in shortbread crumbs and jam. It seemed the dodgy dodgers had been up to their old bad habits again.
In 2005, the Dodger once again hit the headlines, this time the back pages of the national press. Similarities in the biscuit and Liverpool football team were pointed out by eagle-eyed tabloid journos. The day following the team's European Cup success The Mirror ran the headline 'Jammy Dodgers' with a Jammy Dodger superimposed onto Steven Gerrard's head:
| “ | The jammiest win by the dodgiest Liverpool team in years. | ” |
Political Effects[edit]
The Jammy Dodger has also had an impact in the world of politics. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has been known to consume particularly large quantities of the biscuit during Parliament Recesses. That is, if John Prescott doesn't find Blair's lunchbox before dinner time.
It is believed that the rush of the brain-tampering chemicals mashed plums could be the reason behind some of Blair's more 'rash' decisions in the past, such as whether to go to war in Iraq, pass the fox-hunting bill or spit in the Queen's face at a celebratory banquet.
The 'Jammies'[edit]
The 'Jammies' is an annual awards ceremony sponsored by Burtons held to acknowledge and celebrate major contributors to the world of jam. Categories include:
- Services to Jam: first won by Brian May in 1980;
- Jammiest Dodger: Won 3 times by Roger the Dodger;
- Dodgiest Jammer: first won by Brian May in 1980;
- Jam of the Year: won twice by Blackcurrant and five times by strawberry;
- Lifetime achievement in the field of jam-making: due to lack of interest in jam-related activities, this award generally only ever goes to employees at Burtons' factory in Moreton on the Wirral.
