Welsh

“All the Welsh may shag sheep; however, I had sex with a goat!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Welsh

“Ble mae fy nefaid? (Trans: Where are my sheep?)”

~ Oscar Wilde on Sheep

Welsh may refer to the sheep of Wales, or to their language. It may also be used to designate whales. The name 'Welsh' is derived from 'Wellish', because people are lazy and like using as few letters as possible, making their language looking like if a computer's on the blink and keeps typing loads of y, w, l, g, and f. If it continues on in this way, the word will become 'Wlsh' within 45 years. The favourite Welsh pastime, of course, is shagging sheep.

Welsh language

Wor', emi onge inthawen new?

Main article: Welsh language

Not to be confused with Wenglish, which is conveniently inbetween.

When England invaded Wales, the King demanded to know if there was anything there that had actually been worth going to war for. The Welsh looked at one another sheepishly — and it was thus that it occurred to them to reply, "Sheep!" — but afterward muttered that they also had their own language. The King demanded that they speak it. Fortunately, the Welsh of the day were as skilled at improvisation as they are to this day, and they spoke a load of gibberish to one another, all pretending to understand it. The King and his men retreated, taking only a few sheep as tribute, rather than a phrasebook or text on Welsh grammar. Ever since, the Welsh people have regarded it as a key defence against the English to mutter gibberish — when they are not gibbeting mutton. On the rare occasion that this "language" needs to be written down, they will use the only letters they know: w, f, l, g, d, n and t. They double up a few of these like "l", "d", and "f" and call them unique letters, much as the Spanish do, to avoid the embarrassment of having an alphabet with only seven letters. After years of studying the language, many people admit that the Welsh language is a beautiful and ancient thing, as they also say about Her Majesty. But it looks utterly horrific to anyone who has not wasted years of his life wrestling with it.

If you add the three letters 'iau' (ee - eye) onto the end of any word, it automatically turns Welsh; for example, cup is cupiau and bed would be bediau.

Welsh People

Why look here fellows, a Welshman is trying to play badminton. Isn't that quite charming?

Little is known about the Welsh. We know they smell like chip shops, they like to make jokes that only Welsh people can understand, they live in giant fish that can't breathe under water, they have their own strange fast-paced language that they call "Llyddpwdlldddddddddddddd" and that they have an odd ability to telepathically communicate with Chinese people. It is highly possible that the Welsh seek to dominate the world with the Chinese or simply buy their lamas from Tibet. Many confuse the Welsh language with an outrageous idea called "Cymraeg", which actually is spoken in Liverpool.

One iconic figure in Welsh mythology is Tim Grubb, an ex-sas south Walian lunatic. After leaving the sas he wanted to continue to inflict pain on young men from north Wales by punishing an illegal immigrant called pop. Tim did not speak Welsh nor English, but rather a hybrid of these known as 'Wenglish' or Welsh English.

These beings are otherwise unknown to us and may be more dangerous than we give them credit for - just think about it, all those rugby players in one country? They must be training for something. Evidence has been found that suggests Wales has a much smaller population than is supposed - the Welsh just move around a lot making it difficult to count them.

The leaders of this strange race, Tom Jones and Charlotte Church, have made the people of the world trust them by hypnotising them with their singing, so they have the opportunity to broadcast their voices all over the world: when the Welsh hear this signal they will spring into action and capture all those who were listening and make them do their bidding and force them to speak Welsh. They will capture world leaders and force the few that weren't listening to go into hiding.

Evidence suggests that the Welsh originated from fresh tomatoes on the vine between 1945 and 1946. The earliest fossilised remains of a Welsh man were found in the Brymbo Valley by archaeologists in 1950. Carbon dating estimates that "Brymbo man" lived between 1946 and 1947.

An early Welshman of note was John Wheel, a moral philosopher and pioneering mathematician.

People who don't love the Welsh in equal measure

• That guy
• Jealous Englishmen
• Abraham Simpson chased all the Welsh (and Irish) out of Springfield.
• Jeremy Clarkson put 3D map of Wales in the microwave.
• The Spanish Inquisition

People the Welsh don't love

• Borris Johnson leader of 'the big smoke'.
• Anne Robinson racist ginger woman off the telly.
• The Spanish Inquisition
• The author of this article

Backwards Welsh

There is also another language: Backwards Welsh. The language is mainly spoken in south and east Wales. For instance hello is olleh, goodbye is eybdoog, please is esaelp and thank you is knaht uoy. If you want to buy the full dictionary then please visit Nozama, Wales's first shopping website.

Here is an example

English The United Kingdom consists of four countries.

Welsh Eht Detinu Modgnik stsisnoc fo ruof seirtnuoc.

Look how easy that is! Now let's try an hard one!

Electrocardigraphy

Yhpargidracortcele

What the fuck does it mean?!!!!

See also

• UnNews:Welsh vodka advert complaints rejected
• Wales
• Cwmbrân
• Welsh Expansionalist Movement
• My visit with Aunt Myfanwy
• Welsh language
• Swansea
• Cardiff
• Britons
• Slate industry in Wales