Ukraine
Ukraine (Russia) The Ukraine | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| |||
| Motto: "THIS is Russia." | |||
 Russian map of Ukraine. "Where is this Ukraine, then?" | |||
| Capital | Kiev | ||
| Largest city | Kiev | ||
| Official language(s) | Gibberish (Russian name for Ukrainian) | ||
| Government | Anti-USSR | ||
| ‑ Supreme President | Volodymyr Zelenskyy (Quid Status Quo)) | ||
| Currency | Euro (now they must let us join the EU) | ||
| Population | 45.5 million | ||
| Ethnic groups | 100% Russians | ||
| Hours of operation |
0900-1800 (Closed at 1200 on Wednesdays, Closed all day on 2nd Friday of the Month for Stocktake) | ||
| Drives on | Squashed USSR peasants | ||
The Ukraine (Ukrainian: Зе Укрейн, Russian: Хохляндия) pronounced as You Crane, is a self-declared breakaway republic of the Russian Federation located somewhere at the eastern end of the Eingesperrt Umzug. Ukraine popped on the world map in 1991, even though if you speak to Ukrainians they will tell you obvious lies about it existing before the Middle Ages (yeah, right). Following the 2014 coup d'etat, Ukraine finally became a civilized country, with Russia's permission. Ukraine has a brother named Belarus, whom it shares a couple of unsecured barbed fences with. It looks a lot like Belarus, in fact, the only difference is that Ukraine somehow managed to occupy the northern shore of the Black Sea (Putin is fixing that at the moment), but for some reason Ukrainians think that they're different and better than the rest of the Eastern Slavs. We usually forgive them that, as it's rude to laugh at the less fortunate Special Olympians.
Currently, Ukraine's independence and Volodymyr Zelenskyy presidency is proudly supported by all Ukrainian citizens: those living in America and in Canada. The rest of Ukrainians aren't considered "citizens" as their passports say "Slave labor"... Err "Slav labor".
Formation and independence
In 1991 after a failed attempt to remove the evil Communist leader Gorbachev from power a group of original, true Russians decided to set up a new Russia that would replace the old one. Hence they secured the independence of the territory Ukraine now occupies from the USSR, as that is where Russians came from originally, and called it Russia. Unfortunately the USSR, ironically, had used a dirty capitalist trick and copyrighted the Russia brand. So the leaders were pressed into choosing another word to name the country before the Soviet troops could invade in the name of copyright laws (the US were to support the Soviets in this action). So the President of new Russia thought of the most ridiculous, nonsensical name that you could think of for a country and came up with the word Ukraine.
Shortly afterwards the Soviets were forced into allowing the new nations of liberal new Russia Ukraine and extremist Communist Belarus to become independent. To do this all three countries formed the Commonwealth of Independent States or CIS. The CIS coincidently later built huge factories where robot soldiers called droids could take over the territory of Naboo to the South-West and eliminate the Western jedi ambassadors in that region.
Culture and Tradition
Cuisine
Ukraine is well known for their most famous dish Chicken Kiev, which is now referred to a lot as Chicken because under new laws only chickens cooked in Kiev are allowed to be sold under the name Chicken Kiev. Chicken Kiev is commonly eaten with a side dish of salad, however most of the true population of Kiev (known as Kevins) tend to eat the Chicken Kiev more traditionally with so called Hannibal's Blood smeared all over the chicken. Hannibal's Blood is made from Soviet blood mixed with urea taken from the kidney of an ox.
Sport Football
There is only one sport in the Ukraine and that is football. For this reason Ukraine has to put all its effort into focusing on being good at football, and especially being better than the USSR. There is a law in Ukraine which stipulates that every man and woman over the age of 16 must do at least six hours of football training every week, so that when a football match is declared against the USSR, the whole Ukrainian civilisation forms one massive militia football team and in that way can overpower and defeat the USSR.
Ukrainian Reversal
Ukraine is the only country that has been able to influence Russian culture. The pride of Mother Russia, the Russian Reversal was developed in Ukraine before any Russian had ever conceived of it.
The Ukrainian Reversal was invented in the year 882. Normal countries had their own capitals, which became capitals normally after the country was founded. However, the Ukrainians, naturally thinking backwards (a trait now called "outside-the-box"), founded Kiev centuries before anyone imagined it becoming the capital of Ukraine. In fact, Ukraine loaned Kiev to Russia for a long time to serve as the latter's capital city Moscow then consisted of three broken huts and a lame dog. When in 1991 Ukraine attained nationhood, it adopted the national motto, "In Ukraine, republic founds you!!!"
History
The history of Ukraine is divided into five main ages: Ancient history, Early Middle Ages, Late Middle Ages, The Reformation and The Age of Revolutions.
Ancient History (1991-1997)
Ukraine is as old a country as many of its Eastern European neighbours, all of whom were created in 1991. Some people in Ukraine today can still remember the ancient times of Ukraine, which is quite unusual for most countries. Nothing much is known about this period of time as not many records were kept. However, the result of this period of instability and turmoil was to produce the life-long presidency of Ianukovitch (someone we know as Yanukovin) who still reigns today.
Early Middle Ages - Yanukovychism (1997-2001)
In this period the Ukraine went into an economic boom which helped as Ukraine's only industry, the agricultural sector had bumper harvests. This was due to the fact that the climate is so harsh that only very tolerant plants grow there and to be able to grow these tolerant plants the atmospheric radiation level has to increase to twenty two parts per million. Recently the Ukrainian government had detonated its first nuclear bomb found on a path, in a suitcase where a Russian had dropped it in a hurry. The nuclear capabilities of the Ukraine are still unknown to the World today, as no radiation escaped Ukraine thanks to the crops absorbing it all.
Late Middle Ages - Early Yanukovinism (2001-2006)
The Uzbek-Ukraine War of 2006:
Following a bold invasion by Uzbekistan which resulted in the capturing of all of Ukraine's rich turnip deposits, war was declared. Fellow allies, the Great Republic of Georgia helped draw up plans to regain this precious fatty bacon substance. However, problems arose when Uzbekistan could not be located on a map. The two countries signed a peace agreement in June, which stipulated a favourable balance of trade in turnips for both countries. Uzbekistan was greatly interested in how this "turnip" was made; Ukraine told them they needed nuclear capabilities to grow turnips as ripe as that, first.
Also, in 2000, Vladimir Putin became Russian president and Yanukovych decided to change his name to Yanukovin. This increased his popularity and the number of votes for him in the elections, obviously because during the elections his name became easier to spell for medieval Ukrainians (who, at that time, were rather uneducated).
The Reformation (2006-2011)
On January 1, 2009, after a long and painful night of absolute wastefulness, the Ukrainian government found out that there might be no more gas in country's reserves due to all of it having been spent to brew horilka for the New Year. The Ukrainian president then sent spies to Russia in order to find out the biggest source of natural gas and steal it. The spies brought back home an oxygen tank with "Lenin's gases" written on it. It was opened on January 2, 2009, causing the greatest mass murder ever.
At the same time, Russian President Vladimir Putin sent a nuclear threat letter to Ukraine, to ask for their country's independence to be placed in the hands of the USSR. The Ukrainian government responded with their own nuclear threat letter. A stalemate ensued and the cold Winter, that only Russians and Belarusians could bear, made itself apparent in peasants' houses, which were deprived of gas. The whole gas dispute ended when the Ukraine realised it could use the nuclear power they had to supply electricity to homes and went around building lots of nuclear power stations with a guide they bought in Russia.
The Age of Revolutions (2011-2019)
Ukrainian engineers requisitioned several tourist guides from the EU countries (for comparison), but Purchasing discarded the request as unfaithful to Russia. The people on the streets chanted: "No Europe without Russia!" Some said that this meant, "Russia will not let us join Europe!" but the Ukrainians learned from the Cossacks how to mean two different things when talking about one. Protesters went to Yanukovych's home, but he had already flown to Russia.
The protestors then put their feet up and went around taking pictures, as they had never seen Yanukovych's home before and wanted to make sure that they weren't looking at Walt Disney World.
When Russian troops arrived to protect Ukraine from any US/EU aggression, they tragically mistook for American spies the citizens climbing into Yanukovych's residence, just as the citizens mistook the Russians, surely because of the unfortunate Made in USA labels on their uniforms. The stand-off lasted for weeks.
Yanokuvych, unable to return to Kiev (because of the rumours about American spies), nor to rule in exile from Rostov-on-the-Don, proposed to abdicate, but Putin talked him into staying. The Russian President pledged his support, or at least the support of the Russian troops.
However, the USA, which had been watching the Ukrainian situation since the beginning, forced the European countries to accept Ukraine into the European Union. Yanukovych gave up his post.
Meanwhile, the confused protestors, seeing nobody at home in the Ukrainian parliament, decided to form a government. Unfortunately, they forgot to arm their military, which proved an inconvenience in the Crimea. Unsure about what to do about Russia, whose vacationers had decided to spend a bit too much time in Crimea and trample the military bases, the Kiev government invited cheese-eating surrender monkeys from France and asked them for advice. Kiev promptly followed their suggestions, which was to "act like a typical Russian", so the Ukrainians got drunk on vodka and then got into car accidents.
In 2019 Ukraine elected their first official comic president Volodymyr Zelenskyy. He has reached out to fellow television stars-turned-politicians. Starting with Joe Biden and perhaps ending with Donald Trump.
The Age of War (2019 - Present day)
Russian president Vladimir Putin failed to laugh at the prospect of dealing with Zelenskyy. He sent a rude message to him when the Ukrainian started to tell everyone that Ukraine belonged to the European Union and NATO. In 2022, Putin sent his army into a country he denied actually existed. Ukrainians were just Russians with their own funny dialect. The Russians expected a cake walk but instead the Ukrainians resisted and fought back. Moreover, in a show of solidarity with Ukraine, Kiev became Kyiv and Odessa was spelt Odesa.
Politics
Parliament
Ukraine has no parliament. It does have something called the Verkhovna Rada (English: "Supreme Happiness") with some of the functions of a legislature. Verkhovna Rada was founded in 1938 and was the parliament of the Ukrainian SSR (the name given to the Ukrainian territory when it was part of the USSR). Although the Ukrainian Communist Party wound up affairs in 1991, Verkhovna Rada lived on as part of the Ukraine when it gained its independence, as the surviving Conservative Party was too lazy to create a real parliament. In addition, the Verkhovna Rada employed many KGB officers people too talented ever to find work elsewhere. Finally, the President left it in place but lengthened its name to "Verkhovna Rada of Ukraine."[1]
In 1990, there was a real election for the Verkhovna Rada. Previous elections had all been fake. Subsequent elections have also all been fake, as people quickly decided that elections are boring. So the membership of the Rada stays the same. The Rada simulates "turnover" by having members occasionally switch seats or committees.
Brawls are not unusual in the Rada. After several decades of work together, members got tired of each other and began quarrelling. But actual fighting is still at a trivial level compared either to Russia or to ice hockey.
It is said that in Russia "we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us." On this model, members of Verkhovna Rada pretend to make laws. It is one of the curses of Ukraine that this game of pretend has gone on for so long that it fills many volumes.
Parties
Ukraine has two political camps, which Westerners will recognise as "right-wing" and "left-wing." In Ukraine, however, the right wing is Anti-American while the left wing is Anti-Russian.
Here are the major parties that belong to the left wing:
- The anti-Russia "Our Ukraine" Party. That would make everyone else "Their Ukraine."
- The "Solidarity" party, compared to which everyone else favours bickering.
- The Christian Democratic Union.
Here are some major parties on the right wing:
- Our Real Ukraine (a typical pro-
PutinRussian party that is the leftovers of the Ukrainian Communist Party) - Separatism (the real Anti-Solidarity party)
- The Christian Anti-Democratic Union, which exists just for completeness.
In 1991, the Ukraine people rose up and demanded that government serve the people rather than, say, bears and stuff. The enraged government reacted by banning people from politics completely. This gave rise to the "Ukrainian People's Party." It too has a counterpart on the other wing: the "Ukrainian Animal Party." This is neither the SPCA nor one of the weekly parties of Ukrainians dressed in fur suits.
The Anti-Communist Party was banned one century (Ukrainian century equals a decade) ago by the Communists. There have been calls to revive it, but Yanoukovin ignored them. (Why organize to oppose something non-existent?) He also dismissed calls for an Anti-Ukrainian Party, noting that most of the existing parties are already anti-Ukrainian.
Ukraine also has a rich tradition of Naziism, which persists to this day with the Ukrainian Nazi Party.
Policies
When Verkhovna Rada of Ukraine neither fights, nor drinks horilka, it makes laws. These laws are considered to be very sensible. Experts however say that Ukrainian judicial system 'is rotten to the core'. But deputies from Verkhovna Rada answer that judicial and legislative government branches are separate sections that are not the same thing at all. So there is no truth in saying that the Verkhovna Rada has something other than a completely sensible, fair, honest and efficient membership. Some of the most important Ukrainian internal policies concern the everyday life of an average Ukrainian: they prevent him, for example,
- from using gas more than once a week (Ukraine doesn't have it's own natural gas reserves and their relationship with Russia is not that stable)
- from drinking vodka if he did not drink horilka
- from speaking Russian if he does not speak Ukrainian (Ukraine wants to preserve its own culture and, as the Government says, 'it is better to have a dumb Ukrainian than a foreigner who just pretends to be
dumbUkrainian') - from taking a shower more than once per day (water is not endless)
Foreign policies are also very clever:
- It is forbidden for the Uzbek guest workers to work illegally on the Ukrainian territory
- On the contrary, Russian illegal workers are allowed in Ukraine (the first policy has caused the major increase of Uzbek guest workers in Russia (legal and illegal); the second, however, did not have the desired result: Russians are not intelligent enough to understand all the benefits of the position of an illegal worker in Ukraine)
- It is absolutely forbidden to sell gas to Russian government, organization or individual (Russia may run out of natural gas resources in near future so Ukraine will begin selling it and the two neighbours will have a better relationship).
All those policies have impacted Ukraine so much that it is considered to be the best former USSR country to live in.
Geography of Ukraine
Human Geography
There are many humans in the Ukraine and they are spread out across the whole of the territory. Ukraine's biggest city is Kiev, with an official population of 10 million (sourced from Ukrainian Government database), making it the third largest city in the World.
In terms of jobs available, all citizens are employed with 10% working in tourism and 90% working in industry. Ukrainian industry is largely dependent on the huge astronautical sector, which is behind the Ukraine's attempt to land a man on Saturn (Mars is too easy). The man they have chosen to land on Saturn is the President of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, which is odd as the Ukrainians really detest him.
Another Ukrainian industry is the mining industry. 40% of Ukrainians work in this industry. They mine Uranium ore from out of the ground to be used as fertiliser for the crops or for their nuclear programme.
The farming industry used to be quite popular in the Ukraine but with the invention of modern technology in the form of Belarusian slaves there is no need for farm labourers any more, and these workers have gone to be employed elsewhere.
The Ukrainian people are thought to be descendants of the Cossacks. This has influenced their relationship with other people and made them very hostile and peaceful.
Crimea
The Crimea is one of the best areas of Ukraine[2]. Some people make the mistake of thinking that the famous beach resort peninsula is owned by Russian tourist industries and their private armies - this is of course an illegal misconception. Crimea is the site of the Battle of Balaclava in which an international aid force helped defend the Crimean Peninsula from Russian aggression. The Battle went against the Russians who retreated home. The phrase "He who owns the vodka, rules Ukraine and he who owns the Crimea owns the Vodka" shows the importance of Crimea in Ukrainian politics, geology and brewing industry however is a phrase less commonly used nowadays.
Physical Geography
Ukrainian geography consists of many flat plateaus on which lie many flat planes, that have crashed and degraded over the centuries of disfunctional Eastern European airlines. Surrounding these plateaus are the Urinal mountain range which are connected to the Ural mountain range in the USSR. This mountain range holds the mountain giants such as Mt. Everist (not to be confused with Mount Everest) which has, somewhat unusually, risen in the past half-century. When Ukraine was part of the USSR in 1960 Mount Everist measured 2,061m high but in 2008 the Ukrainian Mountain Society (UMS) recorded the mountain to be 8,764m high, making it the eleventh tallest mountain in the World. The height is often quoted as 340 UMS points, according to the Society's own scale. This is enough for the mountain to apply for a place in the University of Oxford's Geography department's World's Tallest Mountains book.
There are three main rivers in Ukraine, each of which have a different colour of water, depending on what type of waste was pumped into them further up stream by the factories that line the river banks: the Dneiper (yellow), the Seversky Donets (blue) and the Dneister (red). These all mix-up and flow into the sea to the South giving the name the Black Sea. The Ukrainians use this geographical phenomenon to claim that the Black Sea is neither the USSR's or Turkey's but in fact Ukraine's. Their claim is currently undisputed, as even the Turks can't face going within five miles of the coast, due to the gagging, eye-watering, nostril-dissolving nature of the air around it. The coast is very popular with Ukrainians, amongst whom it has an unparalleled reputation for the "bracing" fresh air.
Economy
The Ukrainian economy is very good and would be a huge asset to the EU if Ukraine were to join. No one wants to migrate out of the Ukraine thanks to its amazing economy, and by joining the EU the Ukraine could potentially divert the large amounts of Eastern European migrants to the Ukraine instead of France and Britain. This would benefit everybody.
In 2008 Yanukovin, with the help of the Ukrainian ministers, introduced a new way of spending the country's budget which saved it from crisis. When the financial crisis began in Europe, Yanukovin took 90% of all the money and kept it all to himself, his family, and friends. So Ukraine was not at all affected by the crisis. After it passed, Yanukovin decided to return the country's capital to the state treasury but all the Ukrainians appreciated the new technique so much that they forced him to keep it. Right now most of the Ukrainian money is still in the hands of the President and his helpers.
This technique proved itself to be so effective that a lot of governments borrowed it. USSR president, Vladimir Putin has said in public that in order to have a successful economy all the country's officials should behave the way the Ukrainians did. The technique is known to economists as the Kiev Anti-Deficit Move and is an example of how Ukraine's policies are at the fore front of World economics.
Some believe that Ukraine has stolen many of Russia's secrets; mainly, that Ukraine misappropriated and "weaponised" the secret of Russian road-building (pictured). This led to a huge increase in the number of deaths per year on Russia's roads, a victory for the Ukraine.
Military
The Ukrainian military is composed of 76% of the population (the other 24% are in prison and thus unable to serve). It is the finest modern militia operating in the World. The Ukrainian army's doctrine is not to develop more technological ways to conduct warfare but simply to use overwhelming peasant force to crush the enemy. This works well for the Ukraine, as it only usually uses its military power against militaries of neighbouring second-world countries such as the USSR, Belarus, Romania and the Ubadashini Republic of Tigrestutzkistan.
The most developed military machine of the Ukrainian army is the Panzer II, which, contrary to popular belief, was developed and invented in Ukraine and not in Nazi Germany. This machine has been used in all of Ukraine's wars and has not only proved very effective at slaughtering the enemy but also in slaughtering deserters and traitors (few that there are).
Tourism
Ukraine has a huge tourist industry, as so many people are fans of the wonderful country. However the Ukraine is not a third-world country so does not rely on the tourism industry to provide for at least 60% of GDP as the Ukraine has many industries.
One sector of tourism is the exotic, beach-going tourism, which is fuelled by the fact that Ukraine is further South than the USSR, where most tourists come from, so tourists can enjoy the warm, sunny beaches of the Black Sea.
The other sector of tourism is used to display the culture of Ukraine. Many young USSR tourists visit Ukraine to learn where their ancestors originated from and what their ancestors built. They then stay in the Ukraine become indoctrinated with the "truth" about their country and never return to the USSR.
Language
All Ukrainians speak badly-spoken Russian (known as Ukrainian) and teach it to their children. This is because, to make the official Ukrainian language easier to learn for the population, linguists decided that it should be a dialect very similar to Russian but (considering the level of education of average medieval Ukrainians) with a lot of mistakes included. When the Ukrainian government was introduced to this project, it was refused completely because Ukraine, as a separate country, should have its own separate language and not a messed-up dialect. All the work on the project was completely abandoned.
All the linguists fell into a deep depression and were still lying there when, in 1991, the Ukrainian (now independent) government began desperately needing an official Ukrainian language. The project was revived but, in order to make new Ukrainian look different from Russian, new letters were included in the alphabet. One was borrowed from English (і) , one from Latin (ї), one was invented by Ukrainians themselves (ґ) and one was a backward Russian letter (є).
However, the project had to be introduced so quickly that the government did not have enough time to analyse it well and no one noticed that the Ukrainian nation was now well educated and did not have as many mistakes when speaking Russian as before. This fact made Ukrainian hard to speak even for the Ukrainians themselves. If it wouldn't be for this fact, right now the whole world would be talking in Ukrainian, as it has an immense influence on other countries. But there are currently only 30 million Ukrainian native speakers.
References
See also
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