Confederacy of Independent Systems
| Confederacy of Independent Systems | |
|---|---|
 Jango Fett, General Grievous, and Wat Tambor move in to arrest a suspect. | |
| Format | Series |
| Created by | George Lucas |
| Starring | Actors |
| Theme music composer | Ludwig van Beethoven |
| Country of origin | Space |
| Language(s) | Galactic |
| Production | |
| Producer(s) | Lucasfilm |
| Production company(s) |
Lucasfilm |
| Distributor | Lucasfilm |
| Broadcast | |
| Picture format | 1080p |
“...Who?...What?...Why?”
Confederacy of Independent Systems (often shortened to CIS, and also disparagingly called CIS: Confederacy of Idiotic Shitheads by some viewers) was a hit police drama television series in the Star Wars franchise, airing from 2002 to 2005. However, by "hit" we mean that parents would punish their children by hitting them on the head with a CIS DVD case. The show was notable for its use of droids, clones, Sith, lasers, 'splosions, and of course: Separatists.
History[edit]
After the failure of sitcoms like Two and a Half Droid Attacks on the Wookiees and How I Met Your Master, George Lucas and Timothy Zahn searched for a new idea for a show that would make them more money. Searching for characters that they hadn't over-milked, Lucas and Zahn eventually came across several characters who made 10-second cameos in Episode II, and slapped them into a CGI cop show setting.
In the first season, the characters mostly solved crimes that they themselves committed. There was even a 5-episode story arc that centered on Nute Gunray searching for his missing socks. Occasionally the CIS would battle their arch enemies the Jedi, evil cultists who claimed to be "keepers of the peace" who "bring balance to the Force", but in fact sought to commit genocide, terrorism, forced celibacy, and other fiendish plots. The third and fourth seasons, in an effort to to appease Republican audiences, concentrated on stem cell research, and how it should not happen. There was even a 30-episode story arc called "The Clone Wars", in which the CIS battled a green donkey named Jackal, and his army of Spider-Man clones. The X-Men make a guest appearance in the Clone Wars saga to explain why cloning the genetically magical people makes more sense if you're an evil wizard who rears evil wizard apprentices.
But fortunately, CIS was not to last, for in the fourth season, the show was down to five viewers, plummeting from its all-time high of six. After actually taking a look at the ratings for the first time, the producers gave the series a cheap ending, in which everyone was killed by the emo terrorist Anakin Skywalker. The shows end was then celebrated by everyone, especially those who worked on it.
Cast and characters[edit]
“We were up at strange hours, they kept changing the script every 10 minutes, and Sev'rance was a complete bitch off stage.”
Count Dooku: The team leader of the show who immigrated from Middle-earth, after getting his butt kicked by some talking trees. He rarely does any work himself, since he's often too busy "training" his dozens of Dark Acolytes, 80% of whom are angsty, easily-manipulated adolescents; the other 20% are when he wants to try something new. Dooku thought the Jedi were kind of evil for condoning child clone commandos, and kind of dumb for having giant walking robots, just not human ones like in Gundam.
General Grievous: Field agent and Cadaver dog, Grievous was the main character of the series up until the end. Due to the extreme stress that he worked under, Grievous took up smoking, and was up to 12 packs a day by the start of season 2. The habit had caused his distinct cough, which then caused fans to demand more smoking from him.
Asajj Ventress: A bald, gothic vampire ninja who was apparently female. Sort of. Maybe. A deadly fighter, Ventress killed many with her lightsabers, and many more with her dangerous driving (which perhaps proves she's female. Perhaps). She also excelled in stealth, genocide, and being creepy.
Durge: An armor-wearing bubblegum monster who used more guns than Punisher and Rambo combined, and was seemingly unkillable. With an array of weaponry, super-strength, and regenerative abilities, his only weakness was 30something men named Obi-Wan. Durge eventually met his demise when he went drunk driving and crashed his escape pod into a sun.
Sev'rance Tann: An overgrown demon smurf who was unique because she was one of the few characters who was not a complete shithead. Unfortunately, she got into some "contract disputes" with the producers, so her character was killed off at the end of season 1.
Darth Sidious: The boss of the CIS, whose main purpose was to belittle the rest of the cast. Too rich and lazy to leave his house, he communicated with the team through holograms, e-mails, and shouting really loudly. It should be noted that he was the only character who did not die at the end of the series. Speculation on his fate would arise, if anyone actually cared.
Jango Fett: An armor-clad bounty hunter who was so vain and narcissistic, he cloned himself 50 million times, so he could always look at himself wherever he went. A survivor of the Mandalore foodstuffs famine, Jango knew the dangers of the clone army's genetic homogeny and the risk of disease inherent in extreme monoculturing. When Jango wasn't hunting Bounty paper towels, he'd be abusing his son Boba by using him for target practice. Instantly hated by both fans and writers alike, he was killed off early on by some black guy selling Windex.
Nute Gunray: An Asian frogman who generated 95% of the bitching in any given episode. Capable of buying massive armies, his only weakness was 9-year-old junkyard slaves and pacifist queens and senators.
Wat Tambor: A robotman, who served as the team's tech wiz and computer geek. Cursed with extreme asthma, Tambor must walk around in special inhaler armor 24-7. As his name suggests, he is also good at playing the tambourine.
San Hill: A deformed cone-head who, despite wearing a dress, screaming like a girl, and watching Will and Grace, is not gay. Acting as the team's ME, he had to work blindfolded since he was sensitive to the sight of blood. Possessing mighty banking powers, he can crush foes with his high interest loans.
Legacy[edit]
With three feature films, 121 episodes, a beach of broken dreams washed ashore by the tears of the young and old, and an artificial island of plastic toys half the size of Otoh Gunga, nobody ever remembers the show. All the scenes, which was about an hour and a half, of Samurai Jacktion, got so many Emmys that it is no longer considered canon.
After finding some Chinese workers who were not oppressed enough, DVDs of all four seasons of CIS were produced. Today, DVDs of the show can be found through much excavation in Mexican movie rental stores. Actual viewing of said discs is a high health risk, and should only be done to make sure they weren't taped over. The discs that were not stomped on by their owners are most often used as frisbees, or mirrors.
In 2008, a spin-off of CIS was released titled Star Wars: The Clone Wars, which followed the Republic side of the war and depicted the Separatists as the bad guys.
See also[edit]
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