The Punisher
Who is The Punisher?[edit]
Disney's The Punisher was originally a mythical and highly feared comic book vigilante. However when The Punisher was finally captured and unmasked it was discovered that he was the ghost of a dead Vietnam war veteran cop who escaped the comic pages to appear in a series of low budget action movies and finally into the three-dimensional world of computer graphics. The only reason that The Punisher's fictitious spirit was able to be captured on a floppy disk was because computers were so slow back then. They were so slow in fact, that wheelchair-bound octogenarians used to race electrons in the 100m and 200m events at the summer Olympic games (Those damn superconductors were always too fast at the winter Olympic games).
As computers were improving, The Punisher eventually escaped from the high security laboratory full of nerds in January 2005. The Punisher is a virus-like phantom who invades your PC, Xbox, or Playstation 2, depending on which version you order. The Punisher sucks people from nearby sofas, streets, and houses into the CD-ROM drive, whereupon these people are trapped inside your monitor or television for all eternity. The Punisher then proceeds to brutally kill them repeatedly with his vast array of exciting substances, appliances, and machinery.
He or she who purchases The Punisher is reasonably safe from death, as long as an abundant supply of victims is maintained. Veterinarians recommend purchasing a laptop or portable TV for taking The Punisher to crowded holiday spots; a great chance to stock up victims for the winter months. The Punisher's escapades are best enjoyed with a large home theater, a big bucket of popcorn, and an expensive leather sofa filled with fresh meat.
Superhero or Supervillain?[edit]
A question which has been contemplated for centuries asks: is The Punisher a hero or a villain? From the point of view of The Punisher's many victims, who have been tortured slowly to death with all manner of exciting instruments, The Punisher is the most horrible villain they have ever encountered. In their eyes (or just eye if one of them has already been sporked out), The Punisher can only be considered the personification of something worse than true evil, something so indescribably terrifying that there are no words to even pray for it to go away. However, to the Average Joe who is walking down the street, The Punisher is merely keeping the Earth's surface clean of hardened criminals (splattered body parts aside). The Punisher is a sort of Robin Hood of the concrete jungle, massacring the evil to help the good. The Punisher's victims are the sort of people who would otherwise be stealing your kidneys, raping your children, skinning you and your pets alive, and so on. Hence we must conclude that The Punisher is a hero, albeit one who satisfies our torture-related voyeuristic revenge fantasies.
The Punisher's fact sheet[edit]
This is an official fact sheet obtained from the Australian Office of Film and Literature Classification.
- The Punisher can kill the Flash and Thor in one shot.
- The Punisher is able to literally use guns to blast off victims' limbs. Blood, bone & skin fragments are shown.
- The Punisher can knife people in the face. Some blood is shown.
- The Punisher holds a man's face on a grinding wheel in a repair shop. Despite the fact that the camera zooms out while the climax of the scene takes place, it is still of high impact.
- The Punisher dunks a man's head in a bath of acid.
- The Punisher lowers a drill into a man's eyeball; blood is evident.
- The Punisher kicks a man's head a dozen times on a curb until his head explodes.
- A blow torch is applied to a man's face several times. The victim says "fuck off & die asshole" before he dies.
- A man is thrown into a tree mulcher screaming & blood spray is evident.
- A man is placed inside a coffin incinerator which has glass walls. The player watches the victim burn to death. The victim is on fire & is screaming, trying to escape.
- A man's head is stomped on 16 times by The Punisher, before a metal crate falls & crushes the victim, creating blood spray.
- A man is pushed into a ceiling fan, the man resists but then loses his grip. His limbs & head are cut off in a shower of blood when he is pushed into the fan.
Tools of The Punisher[edit]
Think of any everyday household or workplace object and there is a high chance that you can also think of a way to torture somebody with it. There is also a high chance that The Punisher has already tortured somebody in that way. Here is just a selection of the conventional and the unconventional weapons which The Punisher has used:
The Bathtub.
One of the deadliest muthafuckin' weapons in the preponderant universe. Just add acid.
The Blowtorch.
Toasty good fun, caramelize your victims!
The Ceiling Fan.
Can be really exciting once sharpened.
The Curb.
Place victim's head on curb and kick. Rinse. Repeat.
The Drill.
Makes all kinds of interesting holes, especially in soft areas. The bigger the better.
The Grinder.
Great for giving face-lifts.
The Hammer.
Mainly used for breaking bones, knocking teeth out, and compacting the skull.
The Knife.
This item may appear simple at first, but you can get really creative with it.
The Minigun.
This weapon gets its name from the way it vaporizes victims into miniature pieces when applied at close range.
The Plunger.
Imagine the possibilities.
The Spork (before).
Used for scooping the victim's eyes out, causing blindness.
The Spork (after).
There, earned yourself a nice eyeball.
The Tree Mulcher.
Mulches so much more than just trees. A bit automatic, but the spray out the other end is rather artistic.
Rogues' gallery[edit]
The Punisher doesn't really have a rogues' gallery like most other super heroes, or the police, instead he has a shooting gallery. At least Blade has Deacon Frost and Dracula as reoccurring enemies to keep him company in between his heroic killing sprees, but the only crook to get in The Punisher's crosshairs and live to tell about it is Jigsaw, an off brand rip off of Two-Face, and he's never going to have the same level of brand name recognition as the guy from those Saw movies. No, Frank Castle's enemies are all either dead, going to receive the death penalty from him as soon as they are released from jail, or about to wish they were dead as soon as they see what unspeakable horrors he has waiting for them.
See also[edit]
- Cheesecake of Doom
- Homicidal screaming carrots
- List of weapons that don't exist, but should
- Weapons of Mass Destruction
- Amanda Steele, Action Cop
- I Can't Believe It's Not Torture
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