Politics of Finland

Sweden sucks! This straightforward style of foreign politics was introduced to the country by previous President Conan O'Brien.

Finland is a democratic country, except on bank holidays and Friday afternoons. Finland's president is Mr. Lordi, elected unanimously by the Finnish people after his supernatural deed of freezing Hell and enacting a long awaited and deserved revenge on France. The current prime minister is Sanna Marin, known as the 'dancing queen' when a video of her gyrating like a pole dancer at a wild party went viral.

Ex-president, Conan O'Brien, was elected in a manipulated landslide victory of 83% of the last Autumnal equinox. One small problem was that he had never actually been in Finland, giving only brief telegrams to his underlings to carry out any necessary changes. Partly because of this, he was overwhelmingly unpopular, but proved his innate Finnishness by making self-deprecating jokes about himself and trying to find out if people like him.

The late President Urho Kekkonen remains popular in Finland. However, Hämeenlinna was destroyed when a gigantic gilded statue representing him fell during a storm in 1994, crushing the unfortunate city.

A presidential election was held in Finland in Febtember 2006. The winner was Mr. Lordi (Christian Democrats Party), leaving incumbent Conan O'Brien (Social Demographic Party) and The Great Cthulhu to duke it out for the cushy role of Prime Minister.

Presidents

Tarja Halonen, former president of Finland giving her annual Chinese New Year's speech. Notice the Japanese flag in the background.

1. Kahdeksan Laiva (1801-1914)
2. During the First World War Finland was governed by several small chickens, each representing a different part of the arm.
3. Timo Haili (1919-1925)
4. Reissu-Latexi (1925-1931)
5. Pehr Evind Svinhufvud AKA "Swinehead" (1933-1935)
6. Kyösti Kallio (1936-1940)
7. Risto Ryyppy (1940-1944)
8. Carl Gustaf Evil Mannerheim (1944-1946)
9. Juho Kusi Paasikiviä (1946-1956)
10. Urho Kaleva Kekkonen (1956-1981)
11. Urho Kakkonen II (1981-1990) (son of Urho Kaleva Kekkonen)
12. Kerho Ukkonen (1990-1994) (the mutant of Urho Kaleva Kekkonen)
13. Martti Ahtisaari (1994-2000)
14. Tarja Halonen (2000-2012)
15. Sauli Niinnistö (2012-)

Government

Sanna Marin.

• Prime minister: Sanna Marin
• Booze minister: Matti Nykänen (also in charge of the prison and divorce affairs)
• Finance minister: Turmiolan Tommi (Tommy of Calamity)
• Defence minister: Yrjö W. Puska (George W. Bush)
• Suicide minister: Kaarle Viikate
• Culture minister: Koko K.O. Kokko
• Super-minister (controls the Finnish economy and fights against windmills): Mauri Pekkarinen
• Environment minister: Panu "Pollution" Saaste
• Sauna minister: Conan O'Brien (also a former president of Finland)
• Minister of Public Relations: Kimi Räikkönen
• Insecurity minister: Arttu VuoriHomo
• Minister of Extra Sensory Perception: Juhan af Grann
• Justice minister: Jaakko Rubiini (1911-1967 Jack Ruby)
• Sweden sucks-minister: Jan-Erik Enestam
• turku minister: Ville Itälä (Vile East)
• Prostitution minister: Lyly Rajala (Lyly Bordery)
• Accordion Minister: Wîîr Dal Yånchovick (Weird Al Yankovic)
• Minister of magic: Iiro Viinanen (Igor Booze)
• Sport minister Bruce Lee
• Stupid Laws Minister: Tanja Karpela
• Minister of hangover: Timo Kotipelto (Also director of finnish moonshine industry)
• Minister for the Conservation of Finnish Tradition: Jari Mäenpää of Ensiferum
• Minister of the Gay Bukkake Midgets: Alexi Laiho of Children of Bodom
• Minister of Finlands suggestive shape: Rolf Harris
• Minister of Spelling: Pen Zyskowicz (sp?)
• Minister of Domestic Industry: Jouni Hynynen

Political parties

Sir Saatanan Saatana. President and CEO of FBK.

• SDP (Socialist Demographic Party)
• KES-KUSTA (Who Is Peeing Party)
• KOKOOMUS (Magic The Gathering)
• KKK (Kenny Kuhn Klan (political party)) not Ku Klux Klan
• FBK (Finet.Binaries.keskustelu)
• XIOS (Trust us...We're scientists!)
• SFNET (Soviet-Finland Network (Evil commie party))
• Suomi24 (you do not want to know more about them. Believe me.)
• KD (Christian Forss Democrats)
• VIHREÄT (Hippies)
• PERSSUOMALAISET (Arse Finns)
• TEOSTO (The unholy legion from the Book Of Revelation, a hellish amalgamation of RIAA and MPAA)
• RKP (Swedish industrial espionage party)
• PSI Corps (The Psi Corps is your friend. Trust the Corps.) (Those f**king wussies!)
• HIM (His Infernal Majesty) (Supposed rulers of darkness)(They put the Heartagram on everything)

The Sipoo missile crisis

A man from Sipoo prepairing to the war on Hellsinki.

The Sipoo missile crisis started when Sipoo moved its border backward to give space ("lebensraum") to Hellsinki. Angry town residents prepared for a war on Helsinki, aided by Mother Russia, which sent two nuclear bombs. Unfortunately, they were past their best-before dates and Sipoo has no launch pads. Hellsinki quickly blockaded Sipoo and Sipoo surrendered, even though many townspeople fought to the death.

The Tomahawk cruise missile AKA Tom a "Cruise" Hawk. Headed for Hellsinki K-mart.

Foreign relations

The Finnish have always loved their neighbors, the Swedes. They call Swedes homos (pronounced "houmous"), which tells of the never-ending brotherly love. The Finnish tell stories of seeing Swedes dance the Finnish "letkajenkka" line dance, in which one grabs the person in front of him by the shoulders. Swedes have found this absolutely boring and instead push their you-know-what in the arse of the person in front of them.