Akaa, Finland

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Akaa's coat of arms. "X marks the spot."

Akaa (pop. 16,475) is a small city in the Pirkanmaa region of Finland. It is divided into 3 small kingdoms, named Toijala, Viiala, and Kylmäkoski.


Akaa has no history at all. It came into existence in 2007 when planners in Helsinki with more technical pens than common sense drew lines encompassing Toijala and Viiala. They chose the name Akaa because it is an acronym for the Aga Khan Award for Architecture. That is called "wishful thinking".

Four years and many technical pens later, they re-drew it to lump in Kylmäkoski as well, and Akaa was complete. Toijala is referred to as a town (a town inside a town, as it were) or, if one is a planner, a Central Locality, while the other two are formally Somewhat Crowded Places.


Akaa is where you would be if you started in Tampere (the capital of Pirkanmaa) and drove south toward Helsinki, but gave up after half an hour. Perhaps you saw the majestic Lake Vanajavesi, mistook it for the Gulf of Finland, and decided your journey was complete; or the name sounded as though there might be decent curry houses nearby.


The population of Akaa, despite fluctuations which the police have not yet solved, has clung stubbornly to the 16,000 figure for half a century. Roughly 87% of the people live in urban areas, while 12% only come in for drinking water and the occasional bath. That leaves 157 individuals where we don't know where they live; about the same number that we don't know what language they speak or what they are doing in Finland.

Akaa's Town Manager is Auntie Peltola. She holds court on the widow's walk jutting out from the roof of City Hall.

Famous residents of Akaa include pediatrician Arvo Ylppö, though he has not gotten more famous since passing away in 1992. No residents of Akaa are famous outside Finland, nor have their own article in Uncyclopedia.

Small kingdoms[edit]

The Somewhat Crowded places within Akaa do not each have their own king. However, "cash is always king."


This street is home to 90% of the world's money.

Toijala is known for having the World Bank, the headquarters of Gucci, and Wall Street next to each other in Time Square.

Other landmarks in Toijala are:

  • The train station, the hotspot of underage crime, with a Chinese restaurant. You can enjoy noodles while the kids breaking into your car take "one from Column A and one from Column B."
  • A train museum, known for having somewhat more trains than the station.
  • The Library of Finlandia, which owns a copy of every book in the universe — except the one that you are looking for.


Wayne Co Headquarters

Viiala is also called Gotham City for its crime, ingenuity and wealth.

Among Viiala's innovations are the Suomi KP submachine gun, the cement machine and objects from the Bronze Age.

Viiala has an aging problem, like Japan. What the city hasn't realised is that they could get more money from the grandmothers living there by asking them to make food — All of Viiala's Grandmas are Michelin chefs in disguise. They say Auntie Peltola makes an awesome Shepherd's Pie.

Near the centre of Viiala are the former headquarters of Wayne Co, which used to be a tannery (which, translated to Finnish, is "tannery"). It now has over 70 vendors — none of them selling leather goods.

"Django Unchained" was actually filmed in Kylmäkoski, to save money by not having to air-condition the stars' trailers.


Kylmäkoski does not sound as though there would be good curry. Though maybe pierogies. In fact, Kylmäkoski is the wasteland of Akaa, having nothing but a church, a Tokmanni (Finnish Target) and a deserted downtown.

However, it has everything for tourists' dreams of living out their Wild West dreams. You can be a gunslinger or the sheriff (pictured).

The only civilized place in Kylmäkoski is Tokmanni. It has everything from food to fishing gear and plastic toy guns. People only go to Tokmanni if there is a crazy discount, such as "three 24-packs of Coca-Cola for the price of one."