Netherlands
Hollandistaans Keizerrijk Other People's Republic of Holland Weedandhookersland | |||||
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| Motto: "If it aint Dutch, it is Much!" / "As a little shit, God created the Dutch!" | |||||
| Anthem: "Angerfist - Anti allochtoon" | |||||
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| Capital | 's-Coffeeshoppenhage (also known as Klompendam) | ||||
| Largest city | Madurodam | ||||
| Government | Mismanagement | ||||
| ‑ King | Joran van der Sloot | ||||
| ‑ Prime minister | Geert Wilders | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
Declared independence after the Dutch Beer Riot of 500 A.D. | ||||
| Religion | Pastafarianism/Church of Frans Bauer | ||||
“My favourite bike shop!”
“There's two kinds of people I hate: those who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.”
The Netherlands, also known as the Netherregions, is a land located in the far west of Europe that is home to natives, known as Moroccans. The Dutch people tried to get rid of them by legalising drugs hoping all the foreigners would die from a overdose of Marijuana. Unfortunatly, they did not die.
The Netherlands is notable for being the first nation with a population sufficiently moronic to vote for Harry Potter as president and has been manufacturing wooden shoes and windmills for the world-market ever since the Dutch noticed they had ocean-front property, and realized that they could make money from it. The Dutch can be considered the most capitalist race in existance next to the Jews and the Scottish, often buying and selling anything: from weed to their own children. The Dutch themselves are also famous for making the Major Germanic Evolution of switching from(the only real beer BELGIAN) Beer as their primary energy source to Marijuana.
History[edit]
Dutch history largely begins with the separation of Germany and Japan circa 500 A.D. This separation was sparked by the Dutch Beer Riot in which over half the Germans living in the Netherlands decided to call themselves Dutch instead of Deutsch. This name change was designed as a method to make themselves better beer brewers (since it was a known fact that all beer brewers brew better beer if they have a "u" or "ü" in their name), though it would take them another 400 years to realize that wheat and barley are also required. Even with these shortcomings, The Netherlands began to flourish as a beer capital of Europe.
BTW the picture above is an average representation of all Dutch women.
It was this that caused the Dutch to invent the very first Evil Corporation: Heineken( remember this Heineken is actually dutch gaymen's pee in bottles). Under this license they began to buy out many of the smaller beer companies and forced many consumers to drink their beer because nothing else was available. This ironically pushed many of the Dutch in the latter part of their history to move onto something more readily available. Marijuana was perfect for this, since unlike beer it burned cleanly and was far stronger, in exchange however their Dutch mentality would rot further.
In the late 1600s the English across the Channel grew sick of the Dutch monopoly and began to convene "Councils of Evil" in order to crush them as they had begun to grow far beyond the Netherlands themselves (the Indonesian erwere all now forced to drink low-quality proletarian-made beer.) In a major reversal, however, it was eventually decided upon that the Dutch had better beer than the English. The English then declared commercial war, and crossed the Channel to steal every ounce of beer they could get their hands on. The Dutch eventually ended the war when they noticed that, unusually, their profits hadn't increased over 5000% in a single economic quarter. They gave the English free beer for two years as war reparations. It was because of this war and slight profit loss that the Dutch decided to invent capitalism.
The English were lost without a system of their own and so hired Karl Marx to create one; however, his creation - communism - was entirely too Red and full of proletarians, so they grudgingly accepted capitalism as their state -ism as well. (They would end this with the creation of the Welfare State in 1949 in order to once again smite their Dutch opponents, granted by this time the Dutch were so immersed in marijuana they didn't even notice.)
The Dutch then sat back and made money for the next 300 years and even through WWI when their neighbor Germany tried to gain control of Dutch breweries so the beer could be used to increase the strength of their troops. The Dutch, meanwhile, were too pre-occupied selling beer to other countries that no longer had the German stock. (Including creating the new Dutch beer slogan: Dutch Owns Deutsch)
The Interwar Period was fueled by the prospects of Prohibition America and the Dutch quickly made connections with Al Capone in order to provide the Americans with crappy beer for a lot of money. It was around this time that marijuana was introduced into the Netherlands and changed the beer market forever, causing most Dutch to not "give a damn" about anything - this led to the downturn of Heineken and Grolsch. The Germans, sensing their weakness and still pissed off that the Dutch thought they had better beer, invaded The Netherlands along with Netherlands minor, once again forcing them to be Germans.
Beer vs. Marijuana Wars[edit]
Once liberated, The Netherlands began the most lack-lustre period of their history: The Marijuana Wars. The newly-created NeuDutch Biere GmbH Ltd.©®, second child of Heineken & Co. & Sons GmbH Inc.©®, versus the marijuana industry. However, since all those who used marijuana didn't care, the company didn't have much to fight and because of this more and more Dutch became users, until it reached its 68% peak level that it is today. The remaining 12% still drinks beer and the last 20% watches television to get high, since most Dutch commercials are often so full of marijuana and/or beer and/or adult material they intoxicate all those who are within 5 feet of them. When the beer industry of Holland actually started giving a shit about the fact that everyone was getting stoned and not drunk, they offically declared war on the marijuana industry. This led to the execution of several important maffia and government officials amongst whom Jan met de korte achternaam. This war never took place in The Netherlands but did ultimatly lead to the near death of the Dutch beer industry. In the southern Netherlands, where ironically the highest profit is made by for example drugrunners, the Carnival was reinvented. This led to a major growth of southern Dutch beerbrands like Hertog Jan (Duke John) and ultimately to the ascendance of one man... Gerry Leather, became Mayor of Maastricht, Holland's southernmost city except for Capetown, in the year 2002. He stated that the only way to end this war, which had taken her toll on the belgian highways nearby, would be to prohibit of marihuana.
The news[edit]
Dutch political news mostly consists of a rant by a minister in three steps: 1. This did not happen. 2. We have to find who's to blame. 3. Let's leave this in the past. Dutch news programs will either tape this, or please their audiences with local people having accidents. Programs like Heart of your Holland are examples of this last type of 'local' news, even though they got into disrepute after putting the CQC members on air, while they were having surprise sex with Elmo. This lead to so many people not drinking beer or smoking weed that it took a month for the Dutch economy to recover.
The People[edit]
The people of the Netherlands are known as cloggies and are a very Germanic people with Germanic characteristics and German names. However, they refuse to be known as Germans, even though they display most of the common characteristics (they hate the French). They are said to be very tall with an average height of over 185 cm for males and 171 cm for females (in order to keep their heads above sea level), but such surveys were probably taken after wearing very thick-soled wooden shoes which can raise a person by as much as 8 cm became a norm for them (and this even without the shoes being 8 cm thick).
Religion[edit]
Being descended from pirates, the Dutch are known to be amongst the most dedicated pastafarianists worldwide.
The Dutch themselves have for some reason or another fallen in love with the color orange, and make it a point to cover anything possible in that color (traffic lights, tanks, and foreigners), you are often not considered dutch at all if you don't have at least 4 things in the color Orange on you at all times. The Dutch are known to be the only Germans that have not embraced Red as the true color of the Reich. The Dutch are also unique out of all Germans in that their main energy source is not the blood of their enemies and beer, but Blood and Marijuana.
Transportation[edit]
The Dutch are very personal when it comes to riding bikes. Most of them ride around on the shittiest bikes, which are - on average - 32 years old. Apparently, these proud metal junk heaps outnumber the citizenry.
Many bikes were stolen during World War II and remain in Germany. The Germans still maintain several underground bunkers filled with grundlichly organised rows of bicycles, waiting to be used on the occasion of Alien Invasion.
Geography[edit]
The Dutch live in a very random and dangerous place on the European continent. This is accomplished by building massive dikes to hold back the North Sea - however, every few years the dikes are allowed to collapse and kill off extra Dutch, ensuring an effective method of population control, as well as allowing the kiddies to have a swim every so often.
The Dutch who were once also known by the name: Dikes. This is apparent in the apparent know-how of every single Dutchman to build a dike in the most inconvenient of places with the most exotic of materials. Tic-Tacs and rubber bands are among the favorite, but gum and paperclips can also be used by a skillful Dutchman in a pinch. The most extraordinary material was the index finger of the boy Hans Brinkers. The vast majority of Dutch Dikes in the Netherlands are constructed with either one set, or both of these materials.
Flevoland[edit]
While originally inhabited by the Atlanteans, the Dutch successfully pumped away enough water to form a land with at least the area of Spain. The main reason for this was the need to dry the wet sea kelp which came to be known later on as marijuana. This now densely populated area counts over a staggering 370,656 inhabitants.
However, since its feature of being pumped out of the water, it would mean that if the Great Dyke would collapse, Flevoland would no longer be a province the size of Spain, but rather an outside swimming pool the size of Spain. The Flevolanders offer every week one of their first born virgins to the great Dyke, by binding them to a boat, and letting them float away. Most girls come back relatively intact, whereas some won't survive due to the vicious sweet water crocodiles who live there.
Tradition has it that during other days there is a boy with his finger in the Dyke.
Major Cities[edit]
Delft[edit]
Located five meters below sea level, and one hundred meters below enjoyment level, little Delft is world-famous for its tableware — as in plates. Delft is also the site of the first human case of Tedium, which broke out when a Delft pottery factory was infected by Delftum totalis, a bacterium that had been thought to only affect sloths. A study conducted at local university P.U. Delft established that Delftians' DNA has so many sloth genes that human contagion was only a matter of time.
Delft's population is composed mainly of cashiers at Albert Heijn. The remainder are Turkish kebab-shop owners and Indian exchange students studying at P.U. Delft.
Hulshorst[edit]
One of the Netherlands' major cities, with its 3.4 quadrillion population it is a diverse metropolis. One of the best-known landmarks in Hulshorst is the windmill, named the Wieken. This name was founded by a well-known Illuminati leader in the 4th era. Most of Hulshorst's population consists of horses, led by Sarah Jessica Parker.
Rotterdam[edit]
Famed to have risen from its grave after the attempts by Hitler and his furry horde to wipe this blight from the world, Rotterdam is most known internationally by its undead legion of the Northern Feye region in the South of the city. It is the only place where the compass points both to the north and to the south at the same time because of Einstein's early attempts to build a time machine at the heart of the city, conveniently located right underneath the city's main road after attempts to build it ON the road led to the demise of various hamsters. Rotterdam is also known as "Kebabdam" and "Little Morocco", as around 88% of the city are Turkish and Moroccan refugees, who terrorize the few remaining Dutch people, in order to scare them out of the city and form the biggest state-döner company in the world.
Wageningen[edit]
Wageningen is the place where all Muslim students in the Netherlands go. Here they are taught how to be farmers. Can you imagine? Muslim farmers in the Netherlands. Wageningen is a typical representation of how smart the Dutch actually are, because they actually let the other people work for them. There is a tiny avenue that contains shops, selling shovels, rakes, sheep, Muslim farmers, hookers (only in trios) and other stuff needed for farming. Frankly, the Netherlands' world famous product, weed, isn't as present in Wageningen as in other cities. The farmers here are too stupid to see that growing weed would earn them piles of money to buy kilogallons of alcohol. Instead, they grow huge amounts of food to trade for a little weed.
There are a few large student flats in Wageningen, which have an elevator that moves at a speed of 0.1 m/s. Most people climb up against the wall to go up and use a parachute to get down. In Wageningen people place value in remembering WWII. It was the only time the people of Wageningen were smarter than others, the Germans were so stupid they got owned by the sheep police. Because the farmers are poor because their weed costs so much, there is only a tiny statue representing Wageningen's war pride. Sometimes the oldest and dumbest farmers go and stand in front of it for hours, falling asleep, drooling, picking their noses, etc. Rumour has it that every time one of these farmers is disrespectful enough to fall asleep in front of the statue, one of Wageningen's beloved sheep dies.
Maastricht[edit]
The grand city of Maastricht is filled with green fairies, old hairy men, André Rieu, pubs, coffee shops, André Rieu and Chinese restaurants. And hills. More specifically, the only hills in Holland are found here... These are only 2 meters tall at most, a massive improvement nonetheless. Cloggies are normally found skydiving in the hills and hitting each other on the arse with marihuana plants. Maastricht people celebrate the annual holiday "Carnaval" with lots of beer while dressed up as bananas, Germans and other relatively meaningless objects.
The city council has recently developed plans to flood the western regions of the country, by perforating the dykes with André Rieu's violin. One great thing about this scenario is that Maastricht will become yet more famous for its idyllic location upon the sea.
As everybody knows, the river that crosses Maastricht, the Maas, gives Maastricht the perfect possibility to build the world's biggest dock. Everyone likes docks. For other tourist attractions you can go to former-capital Amsterdam. Amsterdam will turn into a combination of Atlantis and Rapture like in the game Bioshock. You will be able to do great diving excursions in the Stoner Sea or you can relax in the Stoner Pool and you can also eat and drink anything you like in Stoner Wok just next to the Stoner Bar. This will give a boost to the economy of the new eternal capital city of the Netherlands: Maastricht upon North Sea.
Maastricht is also home to one university, where classes cannot be given unless students are either drunk, stoned or both. The international school of Maastricht, or more recently changed to United Weed College, is a school for all 1.2 million foreigners living in Maastricht. 1 million of the foreigners who enrolled their little weed smoking kids into the school happen to be Polish Communists helping NATO form an army to defeat all of europe once the rest of the Netherlands is flooded. Recently the city has also been flooded by Students who only come to get high, usually smoking up in the local park, or under one of the 27 bridges in Maastricht, but not one of them will be found smoking in the actual coffee shops.
Esbeek[edit]
Esbeek, better known as Esbach, is a small city state in the Netherlands. It's the only part of the netherlands that hasn't been liberated from the Nazi's after World War II. After the fall of the Third Reich, the Nazis in Esbeek created their own small state made up of the village Esbeek itself and the surrounding lands. Esbeek suffers from hostility from surrounding villages.
Amsterdam[edit]
Known affectionately as the world's largest street corner (approximatically the corner of Invasion Route Eins, and Tulip road), Amsterdam has a long history of providing means to the Dutch of getting drunk, high, stoned, smashed, wavered, or racially integrated (especially during ze German Occupation). To get an accurate idea of the services available]]: it would take even the toughest, most battle-hardened Dutchman over 400 years to smoke all the marihuana available on one Amsterdam square meter. There have been families that attempted this. Only one has ever gotten close, their end was particularly nasty.
Known for its professional cleaning agent Ajax, and its many new age retro hippies occupying every street corner of this very large street corner, playing bad stoner music (which nobody takes notice of because they're all just as high) while asking you and your mom for cash, so that they may buy more pot.
Amsterdam is also rather famous for being home to the "Wallen" (Bags Under Eyes, loosely translated). The Wallen is the very best Red Light District in man controlled universe (except maybe for Venus). They also really like hippie cream there. Lastly, the city is reknown for the dwarven community that lives in the centre. All buildings are dwarf-sized. Every wednesday the Dutch will hunt the dwarfs for their meat.
Haarlem[edit]
The city of Haarlem was for 400 years the Amsterdam stadsdeel Kippenneuker, but in 1978 it was renamed in honour of the Harlem Globe Trotters, who were touring Europe at the time.
The population of Haarlem is entirely made up of lawyers (or kakerlakker in the native tongue) and even the local McDonalds requires a person to sign a notarised form in triplicate to get a Big Mac.
The most famous historical resident of Haarlem was Laurens Janszoon Coster who, in the 1420s, invented the movable-type printing press. Many projects are named after his Coster Bible, such as the well-known Project Coster, which distributes electronic versions of public-domain books.
The Haarlem train station has been designed to look just like a 19th-century public toilet—with all the authentic attendant aromas.
Eijsden (Best village to live in, even better than Maastricht)[edit]
Although it is considered as a small, unimportant shithole, it is in fact a small communist country with a large amount of weapons of mass destruction. It is an ally of North Korea which makes them filthy commie terrorists who should be stoned to death.
For this small country there have been developed new spelling rules because according to the prime minister of Maastricht: You must and will spell this country with a CAPITAL letter, because it is actually more important than Maastricht.
This country is the only country in the world with no army at all. But the dictator of Eijsden has bought large amounts of green radioactive monkeys from Israel. Maastricht border guards claim to have seen an army of cows armed with AK-47s loaded with armour-piercing rounds and small fragments of Hank. Tensions between these countries increased ever since.
Maastricht geologists have confirmed the existence of a large tunnel system underneath the farms in Eijsden. This may be the proof of the existence of the hidden kingdom of European moles, also known as Mole City or Mole-topia. These animals are probably creating the 8th wonder of the world.
Mheer[edit]
This hole in the ground was created by toxicated wooden trees. The estimated amount of people who live in this hole is 3. Their houses are made of wet dirt, mainly farmed from their neighbours, the glorious village Sint Geertruid. The people who live in Mheer are mentally either physically retarded. They tend to terrorise Sint Geertruid.
Leeuwarden[edit]
Pronounced as Lhehw-warden and Ljouwert in the original language of The Fabled Magical Land of Frisia, this city contains the Dutch version of the Pisa Tower, known as Oldehove. The city is also the city where all the speeding tickets come from, therefore it is hated by the rest of the Netherlands. It is the capital 'city' of the Dutch province of Friesland.
Heerlen[edit]
Heerlen is the place where you can get yourself sucked off for 5 dollah by faggots and 10 dollah by muslims. The inhabitants of Heerlen are smaller than average, because their legs get amputated immediately after they're born. Recently they started a secret mission to try to teach someone their Heerlen language, and a normal language - which can be translated to English.
Meerssen[edit]
This dumping ground was made by garbage men. The profession of those people is 'searching for food', disassembling heaters, 'jumping off a 60 ft cliff', 'burning in hell' and beating Bert van Marwijk to death... Some of them think they are smart, but actually their intelligence quotient is similar to the IQ of a flowerpot. The best invention ever from the people of Meerssen, is metal toilet paper. You can buy this everywhere in Meerssen. If a child turns eighteen, they all go to the church to have their annual sexparty. They also have a monthly event, which includes running into brick walls and using nail mats as bouncers. They do this to improve the strength of their skulls, and to prepare for the loss of their virginity. But, most children are not virgins anymore, because Meerssen has the highest rate of childporn in the world. All the people from Meerssen have anorexia. Once a week they eat a screwdriver.
Valkenburg[edit]
The main economic income of Valkenburg is Christmas stuff. Every day they sell in marl pits the strangest things. They sell “elves substances”, cut off gnome legs(these legs are from the gnomes from Sint Geertruid), reindeer’s horns, flarfynid(we don’t now what flarfynid is, but they sell it.) and lots of other stuff. In 556 AD, there had been a war between the giants and the gnomes of Valkenburg. Unluckily, the gnomes lost the war, and were banned. The gnomes have a intelligence quotient of 102, the giants have a intelligence quotient we couldn’t measure, because they are too stupid. That explains why the giants of Valkenburg live in marl pits.
Once a year there is the Amstel Gold Race. The finish is at the Cauberg, but the giants want to sell their Christmas stuff so gladly, that the other places in Limburg prefer the finish is in Rataje Slupskie (Poland).
Apeldoorn[edit]
This little backwater town near the river IJssel is the capital of the entire world, site of major events and the repository of all human intelligence. One can ask any resident for confirmation.
Apeldoorn is the birthplace of the Internet, everything cream-filled, and the meditation practice of navelstaren. This last was created at the world-class research centre De Apenheul, where scientists study primates studying themselves.
Apeldoorn is famous for coffee shops. During the Beer vs. Marijuana Wars, these shops worked both sides of the street, and even before marijuana was legalised. The most successful shops put drugs into the product without the notice of either the authorities or the customer. Nowdays, nobody goes to a coffee shop for coffee at all.
The polygraph, or lie-detector, was first used by Peter R. de Vries of the Apeldoorn police, after Wilco Viets and Herman Du Bois were already convicted and sentenced. The subject, an inmate at the primate research centre, was tripped up on the question, "Do you use drugs?" as any other Apeldoorn resident would be as well.
Enschede[edit]
Known only for its spectacular fireworks displays. Home State of the Christian fraternity stronghold CSV Alpha, Filthy Bastards and FC Twente. Also known for being the most boring city in The Netherlands as it has no touristic values as such and is still full of young students due to an ill-decision of placing a university in such a dreary place. Locals, though friendly on the outside are mostly xenophobic. The city is full of German "Nazi" runaways considering its close proximity to Germany.
The locals are also known for their lack of beards, but they cross those numbers down with the help of their Grolsch god.
The University, which hopes to be technical university (even though they have courses on psychology), is full of European studies students which are envied by engineering students as they are populated heavily by sexy blonde European girls, mostly. Amongst students of other, more prominent, actual technical universities in the Netherlands, the university is known as 'Camping', with their students being regarded to as 'Kampers' and 'Boeren', which can be translated with trailer-trash and farmers, respectively. Further they hope to be like the second best technical university in Europe - they bought-over their CEO -, but clearly aren't.
In June 2013, Enschede was completely flooded by a rainstorm that covered every street in the city in at least five meters of water. At least 16 percent of all population in the city drowned, the rest of the city was saved by the members of a secret clan called "Eau Rouge", who, with the help of the Grolsch god, send a flock sweet-water crocodiles into the city that carried more than half of the city's population on their back, out of the flooding buildings.
Schiermonnikoog[edit]
This small island is infact a city and has written history as the only island that has never been captured during the German Occupation. Together with the towns of Bovenkarspel and Wyrmbritseradiel it has been on the forefront of the 1943 rebellion where the Dutch midwives stood up against the German Occupiers and managed to push them back to the very heart of Dresden. This historical event led the Dutch to regain full control over their breweries. The defenses that kept this island as Holland's last bastion during the Occupation can still be marvelled at. Many Germans visit these sites during high summer, often praising the site by digging additional trenches on the beach.
Den Haag / The Hague[edit]
Named because it isn't just "a" Hague, but it is truly "The" Hague. The Hague is considered one of the few places on earth that is truly full of the letters:"ue" Being filled with Mosques, Morgues, rogues, and Frenchmen saying: Que? . It's also the home and political seat of Prime Minister Harry Potter, where he decides daily what to wear to the mosque during the wizengamot. The Haque is frequently disturbed by the notorious death eater Gurt Wylders, whom seeks out huff random people with better haircuts than he does. Furthermore it's quite a idyllic town. You can't afford to live there because you're not a lawyer.
Brussels[edit]
Brussels is known as one of the lowlier sides of the Netherlands, with few deals of any sort going on, it is known affectionately by those who live there as Neutralia. It is expected to be upgraded to the status of Dutch/German Military proving grounds in the near future.
Groningen[edit]
Some place far away from Amsterdam. Or, at least, that's what the inhabitants of Amsterdam think. In Groningen you'll find some people who really can't be bothered to speak dutch. Instead, they speak grunnings, which is actually fucked up German. It's under rule and governed by Janine, the Queen of Grunnegers, Princess Of Emosexuals, Front Female of the erotic rock band Good CumParty and the true and only... The Antibitch since she was interred after the Molleboon Wars took place in 1987. During these great wars the Army Of Assen, Commanded by The Antibitch, after being liberated from Friesland marched trough the canals on sinking gorilla's till all the Frysian Occupants fled of pure horror and power once again returned to the Grunnegers, crowning her as the one and true Queen. Also in Groningen, there is a sort of marihuana club what also is called the pride of the north.
There is a big tower, sponsored by that one drink called Martini. Endorsed by Vinnie Jones and George Clooney. Also there are yearly riots in a little suburb called Haren, better known as "Project X".
Eindhoven[edit]
The only place in the world that can be permanently seen from space because it's so heavily lit. Philips broke the world record largest-lightbulb contest in 2006, and since that proud day not one person in Eindhoven managed to sleep. The radioactive bulb killed a few people.
Eindhoven is also the home of PSV (Not the best Football-Club of the Netherlands), the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th winner of the Intergalactic Soccer Cup For DemiGods (ISCDG(the competitions has been held 2times so far). It's also known as Eindhoven ROCKCITY, because of it's notorious underground music scene, including famous bands like herman's sandwich, peter pan speedhuffers and the butthole electricians. Peter pan speedhuffers are notorious for bringing Fat Dennis along with their stage performances, causing major tremors and the rebuilding of the city, making it look suspiciously new.
Utrecht[edit]
Utrecht is the biggest city of the Netherlands. Nice to see in Utrecht is ' De Dom' (seriously, if you translate it means 'The Stupid'!) it's a big mountain in the midlle of the city. Also nice to do is eating French Fries at 'Friet van Piet' aka Fries from Pies' (The name Piet translated in English). There was a guy, called Peter de Lange. He climbed 'De Dom' and wrote his name on top of it. He was caught and received €500,- for making 'De Dom' a better place to be. There are rumours that an old homosexual clan is hiding in the sewers of Utrecht, they eat potatoes and cheese everyday. If you visit Utrecht once, you're lucky if you see one of them trying to steal food at the mcDonalds. You'll find them completely naked running around the sewers.
“They think they be bettur, just b'cause they get higher notes!”
Frisia[edit]
Frisia (Dutch: Friesland, Frisian: Fryslân) is a province in the northern part of The Netherlands. (Anthem: Angerfist - Anti allochtoon)
Back in WWII, Hitler secretly created the übermensch, went back in time to about 500 b.C. and placed them all in Frisia, back then still ranging from the French to the Danish border. Frisian people have their own über-Germanic language, which is actually older than Dutch. Frisian people are generally athletic, tall people with blue eyes and blonde hair, stubborn but nice people, with some exceptions. Sadly, through mixup with German, dialects came to existance under which Dutch, Gronings, and even English (which mixed with Norse, Danish and French).
From 1500, when in the last provinces around Frisia (Groningen and Noord-Holland) the Frisian language went extinct and was replaced by Nether-Saxon dialects, Frisian people's thrive to take over Holland has increased and hopefully someday they will succeed in that.
Frisian people in general hate minorities like Moroccan and Turkish people, especially the young Moroccan and Turkish, who seize to destroy all Germanic races.
Zoetermeer[edit]
Zoetermeer is actually the military training ground of the Dutch Elite Special Forces. This is smartly covered by bragging about their large number of sports clubs and facilities. The city hosts a ridiculous amount of train stations in a very strategic shape around the entire city. These are in fact underground nuclear bunkers providing shelter for the populace and housing for the Netherlands Elite Ninja Guitar Commando Units.
However, a propaganda television show nationally known as 'Hart van Nederland', announced the birth of yet another child with the Antichrist element replacing most of the water in its physical molecular composition. At birth, the child defined itself as the "Glory of all that is considered more or less evil by modern social morals and values" and extensive DNA studies on the child prove it most likely must've been the product of Geert Wilders and a one-toothed back-alley transgender prostitute with purple-dyed pubic hair.
Emmen[edit]
Emmen is actually a piece of asteroid which crashed into holland from which life-forms emerged that swallow all E's when they talk, and are able of producing gigantic amounts of vegetables, all of which to sell to the French or the Germans. The life-forms have blendend into the rest of the Netherlands and are slowly taking over the country. The recent influx of Expats have slowed this infection considerably, because they are constantly shanking people that are infected. The remaining dull populace of Emmen thinks this is a crime influx, but actually they are saving the country by killing Infected. Nobody sees that, which is why there are so many Expats in Jail in Holland. But Mainly Emmen.
Stompwijk[edit]
The three farms that together form the village of Stompwijk, are famous for absolutely nothing at all, except for being a nice space filler in the Green Heart of the Netherlands as well as the biggest open air prison in the world. Stompwijk is often referred to as "Stomwijk" (Dumbville). The only person who voluntarely lives there, is John Doe, a garden gnome, who terrorises the small village every thursday. All other human inhabitants (24 to be exact) are criminals who are sentenced to death by boredom. The population of Stompwijk varies in size, at the moment, Stompwijk has 25 human inhabitants and over 300 cows, while during the World War I (video game) the village was a ghost village.
Oegstgeest[edit]
People who have made enough money in the international cannabis-circuit get to live in Oegstgeest (Pronounced: Ugstgeyst). A long time ago, tall gnomes invaded Oegstgeest and started hunting the unicorns and lions that habited this place. When there weren't enough unicorns left to feed the large population of gnomes and they were threatened with extinction, the gnomes found the infinite source of weed, the holy grail (King Arthur tried to find this one his entire life, but was set up and took a golden cup back to his castle). Since then, Oegstgeests' habitants are herbivores and live in harmony with nature, constantly being stoned and chasing flying pink elephants.
Baarle-Nassau[edit]
Long time ago both Dutch and Belgians came to place where currently occurs Belgian Baarle-Hertog city and Dutch Baarle-Nassau. Because both Dutch and Belgians are peaceful nations, they decided that they will build their building in that place independently. That led to situation where buildings were totally mixed up (one Dutch next to Belgian that was next to Dutch which was surrounded by bunch of Dutch buildings surronded by ring of Belgian ones). Evertyhing connected to administration was all right for a long time (you could go to any office Dutch or Belgian regardless in which building you lived, and helpful clerks would help you anyway). But one day Belgian and Dutch citizens had argument about which sport shall they choose as most popular sport in city. Belgian idea was football and Dutch idea was cricket or marijuana smoking. They didn't like idea of each other and then hostility came to this city. Both nations started to set borders. But soon they came to conclusion that it could be hard. Anyway they did it what resulted in many odd situations. For example many houses has been divided between both Holland and Belgium or some buildings has been closed in enclaves surrounded by other nation's buildings. It became to be a real nuisance to live in this city when you have to remember that you can smoke marijuana only in Dutch part of your flat while moving to its Belgian part can result in arrest...
Leiden[edit]
Leiden is also one of the most famous cities in the Netherlands. It became famous a long time ago, to be exactly, at the time Spain attacked the Netherlands, and especially Leiden. When Leiden was under siege by the Spanish general Alba, there was, besides a burger king and the body of the mayor, nothing to eat. But luckily there were the so called 'geuzen'. Their job was simple: take a houwitser, blow some dikes, let the water flow, and Alva will run! They succeeded in blowing the dikes, and despite the loss of 10000 drowned inhabitants of Leiden, the mission was accomplished. The mayor of Leiden, Omega, brother of Alva, wasn't that happy with the loss of so many people. The geuzen had to choose, pay $1000000,- US Dollars to compensate the taxes, or being banished to the Middle-East. The second choice turned out to be the best one. Nowadays, the geuzen, better known as Al Qaida, are a succesfull organisation with headquarters in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan and, the new business, Jemen! 'It's a shame we don't have dikes here, but the 'blowing' part of the strategy is still very succesfull' Said head-of-staff O.B. Laden a short time ago. The mayor of Leiden already invited O.B. Laden back in Leiden. For the readers who live in Leiden, Laden accepted and is currently building a new headquarter next to the train station (with all those colors).
Serooskerke[edit]
Serooskerke is an early modern age settlement in the southern parts of the Netherlands. Even though the Netherlands had a slow industrialisation. Serooskerke had one of the first steam engines. It was built in one of the factories that chopped and sliced the freshly caught fish in the nearby Pacific ocean. In 1932 Serooskerke and the surrounding area became an Australian colony and the area containing of several islands and was called 'Zeeland' after 'New Sealand' west of Australia. In 1953 a devastating fish virus was detected in some of the fish causing heavy damage to both the factory workers and fish. And created the first mermaids and according to some scientists also Aquaman. The Australians fled and allowed the settlement to develop more in the drugs and alcohol. Effectively lowering the average IQ by an astonishing 37 points. But not even its rich history could save it from the economical collapse of 2001 when they discovered fish aren't the ideal footwear. The economy is still dropping as the last people still strongly believe tuna flipflops are the best out there.
Alkmaar[edit]
Alkmaar was one of the only city's staying unconquered during the Dutch beer riots and the time the Spanish invaded the Netherlands. During that time the town of Alkmaar mostly was ignored duo the city mostly existing out of floating pieces of driftwood and the lack of actual non-cheese-addicted people. Only the last few years the city started to flourish. This event started thanks to the investments into the beautiful and very safe area of Overdie. To build Overdie approximately 60,24 euro's and 44 high Flemish people were needed to build it. The way to get it populated was the easiest task, because luckily for Alkmaar a Moroccan ship just crashed into one of the apartment buildings. Nowaday's it makes a lot of profit from broken window sales, firework trafficking and police enforcement. Also, the drug industry is great and worth an approximately 3.006.592.231 USD or 89.345 euro's and helps supply the great need for Marijuana and XTC in the local area. Fortunately, most of these profits are spent on creating large nets to prevent cats from swimming to the sheep and mouse invested island of Texel, because a nearby area named Den Helder is so polluted no one ever managed to get past it unharmed.
World Domination Plans[edit]
In August 1966, psychic and former mafia correspondent Luigi "Oh no, not again" Brachtzachztatchtull had a revelation that the Netherlands will take over the world. However, for decades, Brachtzachztatchtull's prophecy was disgregarded by other prophets as an elaborate hoax designed to brew anti-Dutch sentiments among Chilean penguins. It was not until July 17, 2006, that Brachtzachztatchtull's prophecy was comfirmed to be fact true by the Netherlands' prime minister, Jan Potter Balkenende. In the official press statement, Balkenende declared, "we, the Netherlands, in fact do have plans for world domination, and all those other countries don't stand a chance." The world domination plans have not fully been put into action yet, but are scheduled to start in June 2009. By December 12, the Netherlands plan to control every corner of the world. Including Antarctica. The plan was also to destroy the Vladivostok Socialist Republic, which was a threat to the Great Joint W/Fleed. When this was completed, the Dutch would have control of all drugs, alcohol, and xxxl condoms in the world! Delfzijl would be the second WeedCity!
The new empire will be called The Netherlandss, with the additional S to distinguish it from the former country. Balkenende made a press statement on September 4 concerning the outline for world domiantion plans, and the structure of the new government. Balkenende stated that all this information is "strictly top secret and classified." He subsequtnly issued another press statement on September 5, which simply says, "Oops."
The great minds of Appeltern in coorperation with Oscar Wilde, master Chief, Chuck Norris, Hans Teeuwen and Shigeru Miyamoto, are as we speak thinking of a plan to stop Luigi "Oh no, not again" Brachtzachztatchtull and Jan Potter Balkenende. Appeltern: "We whish to appologize for the inconvenience, this whole situation went unnoticed by us, for we were busy constructing and installing the Presidentionator 2000 mk2 (aka Barak Obama), don't worry, we'll take care of it!" After this communications seized, but experts believe the solution has something to do with the internets, oscar wilde and cream filled scones. Also the Royal Dutch Marine Corps has been training with the English Royal Marines, the Norwegian Vikings and the Irish. Stealing tactics, and sleeping with their wives to breed Dutch patriotism into the English and Norwegian population. The many nude jokes on Monty Pythons' The Dutch Are Taking over the World are an excelent example of how the cunning Dutch people redirect the English culture into a drugloving, and beer-drinking society. Obviously with help from the Irish, who drink as much themselves. The tactics of the Royal Dutch Marine Corps extend from shooting people who can be seen (english sniper tactics), up to blowing up who cannot be seen. This tactic leaves the English guerillas defenseless, as they are very good at hiding because of Scottish Import Ghillie Suits, and thus get blown op. This is how the Dutch won several wars against England, including in 1665, 1665 part II, 1666, 1667, 1668, 1670, 1760 and the Gothic War.
See also[edit]
- Dordrecht
- Drenthe
- The Driving Dutchman
- Albert Heijn
- Marijuana
- Suriname - The "other" Vietnam.
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