Puerto Rico
Puerty Rico | |||
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| Motto: Yanqui, si no Te Vas, en Borinquen Moriras | |||
| Anthem: You are my sore ass on the darkest day | |||
 Puerto Rico, during its time spent in Pangaea | |||
| Capital | La Perla | ||
| Government | |||
| ‑ Governor | Milhouse | ||
| Music | Reggaeton | ||
| Currency | U.S. pesos | ||
| Religion | The Main God is the Holy Gringo, an Aryan Race Deity, the Sacred Americano. | ||
| Highest point | Las Tetas de Cayey | ||
| National Sport | Hubcap stealing | ||
| Exports | Welfare recipients, proud US soldiers. | ||
Puerto Rico is an island in the Caribbean sea east south east of Florida. Since the early 1800s it was the prime coffee grower on the planet. Don't think you won't get lost when traveling to Puerto Rico; its 100x35 miles are enough to make you get lost for an entire day without finding your way out.
Language[edit]
Puerto Ricans speak in their native tongue called "Spanglish".
Flag[edit]
The Puerto Rican flag is much like every other flag in the world, except for the Cuban flag. Any Puerto Rican will be mortally offended if the visitor makes any connection between his flag and that of Cuba. Any Cuban will too. It is obvious that the Cuban flag has the red and blue parts backwards.
Political Status[edit]
Puerto Rico's status resembles that of a wealthy colony except that it is not officially acknowledged. Puerto Ricans see themselves as an Associated Free State- an independent Latin American country that has a special relationship with the USA, while mainland Americans see Puerto Rico as a US Commonwealth that has not yet become a state but as soon as they learn proper English, they will. Both mainland Americans, and Puerto Ricans are happy while maintaining these two distinct delusions about the status of the Island. Puerto Ricans have a "country" and a "nation" while Americans on the mainland are happy to know that there is a place in the Caribbean that is territory of the USA. The rest of the world doesn't give a shit, and treats Puerto Rico as part and parcel of the United States.
At the same time, the United States government refuses to recognize Puerto Rico as a state, solely for the reason that they don't feel like going around the world painting an extra star onto each and every American flag in existence (Of course, the flag on the moon doesn't matter because the moon landing was faked). However, a contest is currently being held in Nutley, New Jersey to see which aspiring high school dropout and/or art major can best paint a star onto a flag. The winner would (in the unlikely event of Puerto Rico's statehood) be tasked with going across the planet in the passenger seat of the president's Pontiac Aztec with paintbrush in hand, adding one extra star to any flag they pass.
Puerto Rico is full of youthful dreamers who want it to become independent of the U.S., but these are 'youthful' dreams only. Once they graduate and see how sweet US dollars can be, how nice it is to have a US passport that 90% of the world would kill to have and how great it is to be able to get all these benefits from the US government, they change their tune pretty quickly. In addition to that, there are not many good jobs available for vocal "Independentistas". No job means no money, no money means no girl, no family. Ouch! (or as it is said in Spanglish... PUÑETA!)
In theory, Puerto Ricans believe that becoming a US State require that they learn English; they seem to not have discovered Alabama. Puerto Ricans still view the not-so-complex relationship between them and the Mainland as a relationship between two cultures- the, tall, blond, blue- eyed US-born Anglo John Smiths and the brown, short, Latino Jose Rodriguez Puerto Rican. The fact that the USA is now an enormous melting pot of all races and cultures somehow eludes an average Puerto Rican. Also, when they look at how badly other lands where Jose Rodriguezes live do politically and economically, they realize that being a 'colony' of cold hearted John Smiths is not such a bad thing after all.
History[edit]
Puerto Rico was purchased from the British in 1895 along with Louisiana.
All its Native Indians ("Taínos") were exterminated with extreme prejudice by the Spaniards, with notable exceptions such as gorgeous Talisa Soto and an airhead television hostess nicknamed "La Taína" Noris Diaz who appears in a Puerto Rican TV show. Unlike their brethren, both Taina and Talisa were able to survive venereal diseases. The Spaniards named the island San Juan Bautista, but the imperialist "Yanquis" that took the island away from Spain on 1898 called it "Porto Rico" and named it's inhabitants "Porter-Reekans"
During the five centuries of Spanish domination, Puerto Rico was settled by Flamenco dancers from southern Spain and Canaries from the Canary Islands as well as rappers and R&B singers from Harlem. Later, waves of Mafia informants from Corsica and French metrosexuals fleeing Haiti settled on the island and had many diverse roles: some were slaves, some served as waiters and hotel doormen, and others didn't care what they had to do as long they could drink coffee in the morning, rum in the afternoon and play dominoes the rest of the day, a custom still steadfastly held by a large segment of its modern population. In between drinks, islanders did forced labor in the gold mining, coffee, methionines and sugar cane industries.
Americans soon realized that these humble folk could also work for them as long as they kept coffee and rum plentiful, so they docked a battleship in Cuba, blew it up, blamed Spain, and then proceeded to kick their asses back to Europe and claim for themselves Cuba, Puerto Rico, and some oriental folks who speak English and have Spanish names. After taking over, the Americans misspelled the island Porto Rico and ratified that all who didn't speak any English would thus hold the title of "Porter-Reekans."
Years later the Americans suddenly realized their spelling error, and after discarding the idea of naming the island Pelican Wharf, renamed it once again Puerto Rico.
During the five decade long period of total American control, Puerto Ricans held many diverse roles in the island: some were soldiers, some were maquiladora workers, and others didn't care as long as they could drink coffee in the morning and rum, whiskey, and beer the rest of the day and receive financial assistance so they could attend college and smoke pot and drink; customs still steadfastly held by a large segment of the modern population.
Today, the island is considered Puerto Rican for Olympic and beauty pageant purposes, American for Pell Grant, Social Security, and government aid purposes, and Latin American for cultural purposes. Also, foreign for Dell PC Internet sales purposes, American for Gateway PC Internet sales purposes, very very poor for population welfare purposes and very very prosperous for corporate welfare purposes.
In due appreciation of his inability to pay Federal income taxes and in recognition of his legendary appetite for Pot, entertainer Willie Nelson was recently named an Honorary Puerto Rican.
Paulo Coelho with Mexican vocabulary - Dis cracka don't know sheeit 'bout Puerto Rico. I do know one thing though, he's a puto redneck, ese.
Culture[edit]
The Puerto Rican culture is based in drinking, smoking, and having wild sex. No matter what they are celebrating, they have to end that fest drinking.
One of the most typical celebrations are "Promesas". "Promesas" are celebrated in Christmas and its objective is to beg God for money. Those "prayers" to God are accompanied with the sounds of three of their typical instruments ("el cuatro", "el güiro" y "las maracas"). After the religious celebration ends, they begin another celebration........... DRINKING!!!!!!!
Their typical drink is "Ron Caña". "Ron Caña" is mixture of Isopropyl Alcohol, pee, apple juice, leaves and leather. This alcoholic drink is illegal, but Puerto Ricans are people who don't give a fuck about laws.
Another important celebration of boricuas are the "Rezos". "Rezos" are prayers that Puerto Rican believers invoke to God where they beg for the souls of dead persons. They invite the whole neighborhood (or "barrio") for this celebration. And to gossip and drink.
Music[edit]
Puerto Rico's typical music genres were "Música Jíbara", "Bomba y Plena" and "Aguinaldos". Those music genres went to hell were replaced on 2004, when Daddy Yankee released his album "Barrio Fino". Since then, Puerto Rico's typical music is Reggaeton.
The impact of Reggaeton on that island was so big, that they replaced their old National Anthem, "La Borinqueña", with "La Gasolina". "La Gasolina" was the main single from "Barrio Fino"...............................Fucking mierda hahaha
Another important impact of the Reggaeton music was that they also sent to hell replaced their typical dances with a new dance, called "Perreo". "Perreo" consists when a whore girl shakes her big ass in front of you, and you have to move as if you were fucking her. This kind of dance is like "having sex with clothes on".
Partido Independentista Puertorriqueño[edit]
This political party is also known as the "Loser Party". The followers of this political party are known as "socialists" or "terrorists". This shitty party has never won any elections........ LOL!!!!
The "independentistas" were the driving force of that made Luis Munoz Marin won the election. They were a majority by then. After that, Marin, an independentista all his life, inexplicably said independence was not a priority.
Partido Popular Democrático[edit]
All of the followers of the PPD party are the indecisive bastards who have no idea what they want for the island. They are often called "Estadistas Lite", meaning they want a part of statehood, but still want to leave Puerto Rico as the "Associated Free State" as it has been called since 1952 (which makes absolutely no bloody sense).
They believe in the Free Association with Gringos USA.
Former governors of the PPD include Sila Maria Calderon (2000-2004) and Anibal Acevedo Vila (2004-2008). Both of these left Puerto Rico in such a recession, that current governor Luis Fortuño has pretty much had to move brick walls to bring Puerto Rico back to any sense of normalcy, and is still struggling to do so. In 2008, while running for re-election, 9 federal charges were brought upon governor Acevedo Vila for receiving illegal funds for his campaign. He was (wrongfully) found not guilty by a jury panel at the end of his trial.
Partido Nuevo Progresista[edit]
The New Progressive Party, or PNP (for its initials in Spanish), takes its name from all the "caserío" people that depends from the Gringo Authority (a.k.a. the Government) in USA. PNP means in Spanish "Partido Nacional y Perfecto". All the followers of this political party are people who wish to have a better life, by being a part of the United States of America. Their usual strategy is to attack the economy in order to increase unemployment, in hopes to put Puerto Ricans on their knees and beg for statehood.
Lots of the active members and politicians of this party have been involved in legal and controversial issues (there have been more than the Partido Popular Democratico). One of the most recent one was when the Majority Leader of the House of Representatives, Rolando Crespo, tested positive to cocaine in a recent Drug Test. Also, Senator Roberto Arango had to resign to the Senate after some of his naked pictures in a gay Internet site were discovered and leaked to the media. Senator Jorge Navarro was selected as scoundrel of the week, after a footage from a news station filmed him trying to seduce and kiss a girl by force on a nightclub.
Current governor Luis Fortuño belongs to this political party and has worked endlessly to steer the island further down the abyss an economic and social disaster far greater than that was brought by the PNP controlled Senate under Anibal Acevedo Vila's term (from the PPD). He has been unable to provide a health care plan for all the island's inhabitants and has had the highest unemployment rate in Puerto Rico's history
Soon after he won the general elections, Governor Fortuño fired 30,000 public employees due desire to give that money to all his friends. Even thou Fortuño was recorded in live tv mentioning that he would only fire Anibal Acevedo Vilá, he changed his mind and said “I don’t give two shits about my 30,000 PPD lazy slaves, fire them!”. Because of that, Puerto Rico is now in a bigger shithole than it was before Fortuño dictatorship. According to the Weather Channel, things are so bad in the little island that hurricanes decided to avoid the island entirely. Economic shitstorms and earthquakes have taken the job of the hurricanes.
One interesting phenomenon is that if you ask any citizen in Puerto Rico if he/she/shemale/hefemale voted for Luis Fortuño, he/she/shemale/hefemale will tell you that he/she/shemale/hefemale did not voted for him. A survey made by the Soberanian History Independence Team (SHIT) revealed that 98% of the population thinks that Milhouse stole the elections. Mr Milhouse was interviewed and said: “Like I said previously with the 30,000 jobs that I cut, I don’t give a shit if I stole the elections” “I am here because you like my hair and the many times I touch it” “I am here because I am sexy I know it” “I am here because my face is similar to Milhouse” “I am here because fuck you” “ “If you don’t like my decisions, you can blame the past administration” “If you are not part of the 100 richest people in the island, you guess it, blame it on the past administration” “If the island and you are a Shithole and your life is a shitstorm, blame it on the past administration”. Mr Milhouse also said more information, but SHIT was so bored about so much shitty information that he was giving that decide to turn off all the recording devices. SHIT decided to leave Mr. Milhouse talking more shit alone.
Crime[edit]
The worst criminals in the Island are governors. Corruption was introduced by former governor Luis Muñoz Marin, then Pedro "The Messiah" Roselló, etc. When Fortuño came into power, he tried to bring the island around and reduce the deficit left by the two previous governors. To do so, he initially fired over 17,000 public workers,the final amount was never stated, but could be far over 30,000. Thus reducing the government's expenses by millions of dollars, at the expense of the people who believed in him, and voted for him when he promised that he would never fire a single government employee under his administration, except for Anibal Acevedo Vila. He has earned the title of the greatest liar and traitor ever, since previous NPP governor, Pedro Rosello.
Leaving aside the political corruption, let's talk about street crime, robberies, rapes and other such things of which there are aplenty. Never even for a moment believe that it is Puerto Rican people that commit those heinous acts. Not even one member of that benevolent race is capable to say "boo" to a goose or hurt a mouse. The fact that the most dangerous gangs in New York are Puerto Ricans is unfounded! They are non Puerto Ricans who pretend to be Boricuas.
Then who does commit these crimes, you may ask?
It is is the traditional three despicable enemies of Puerto Rico that do that by sending their saboteurs to sow discord and terror on the Island and into NY neighborhoods populated by peace-loving Puerto Rican scientists, philanthropists and living saints and virgins. These enemies are the contemptful excuses for countries such as Cuba, Dominican Republic and Haiti. These three backward puppet states envy the fact that the friendly, prosperous and innocent angels- Puerto Ricans- are US citizens and are rich and handsome because of that. Therefore, they ship off their worst criminals to the Island (and to NY) to kill, maim, rape and pillage the poor Boricuas and any other innocent bystanders. Among recent arrivals there have even been Colombians who are out to get the poor PR-cans. Not one Puerto Rican has ever committed a crime since Columbus set foot on the Island! It is all these outsiders!
There are just too many foreigners in Puerto Rico and as soon as these have been deported, the erotic duo of two lovey-birds -The Boricua and the Gringo- will continue their dance together in a peaceful embrace consummating their civilized and harmonious union to the soft croaking of the coquí. Long live innocent Puerto Rico! Long live our Superior Masters- the Majestic Gringos! Even if their derrières have dingleberries hanging from them, we will still be kissing them just to show how much we love our Yankee Lords, and how much we deride the non-US national scum's presence in our Garden of Eden.
Government[edit]
What government? In addition to boasting the largest number of Miss Universes per fast food joint, all of which have their own puta record before achieving the title, Puerto Rico is the first democracy to have elected a Homer Simpson look-alike as governor, in 2004, and Milhouse (Luis Fortuño) as the High Commissioner. Back in 2000, Puerto Rico also established a trend by electing a she-male governor (Sila Calderon). And after the 2008 election results, Puerto Rico will be the first island to have a 3.8 million drop in the population when all of its residents move to Orlando (a small, yet highly populated town south of Russia) due to the best government administration of all times, from 2000-2008. Puerto Rico has also been rumored as becoming the sixth borough of New York City and adding Hammond Indiana as an official town in Puerto Rico.
Fortaleza[edit]
The Governor's Mansion. Located somewhere between Arecibo and Humacao. This building resembling an oversize White Castle joint was supposedly built by the Spaniards to protect the Head of State from all enemies, but everybody knows in reality it was a good crib for chillin' and keeping pimpin' rides. In modern times, it has been used as an orgy-party place.
Transportation[edit]
Puerto Rico's primary form of transportation is Puerto Rican pride parades. Parades account for ~90% of all transportation on the island. Walking to and from the parades accounts for another 5%.
Wildlife[edit]
Puerto Rico is home to the last remaining Puerto Ricans not residing in New York or Florida. These are an endangered species. As a result, killing the natives is illegal, as opposed to France, where such killings are encouraged. This unique sub-species is the only known group of humans to have as many food-pushing grandmas as Israel. They have the weakest immune systems of all hispanics, due to Puerto Rico having the least chunky water of all Spanish speaking areas.
Despacito[edit]
Elon Musk bought it, he then made a sequel. This song is the reason why Hurricanes Irma and Maria struck Puerto Rico.
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