Sri Lanka
Sri Sri Maha Sri Mahaprabhu 420 Times Maharshi Lanka Sree Lanka | |||||
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| Motto: "We ain't indian bitch! we r SREE Lankan" Alternative:Sri Lanka(Not Ceylon) | |||||
| Anthem: Galang Galang Galang! | |||||
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| Capital | Sri Jayaprada | ||||
| Largest city | Columnbow | ||||
| Official language(s) | Sri Linguese, chinese and wookie | ||||
| Government | Tyranny, Agony and a little bit of Democracy | ||||
| Prime Minister | Sri Redundant Wickremanayake | ||||
| National hero(es) | George_W._Bush | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
from Eelam; Commonwealth, Tsunami; what?? | ||||
| Currency | Sri Yet Another Rupee | ||||
| Religion | All the fun ones | ||||
| Area | Threatened by tsunami | ||||
| Population density | 6 white pedophiles per square native | ||||
| Favourite pastime |
Celebrating holidays, whingeing, killing of arabs/muslims/tamils/hindu/ or pretty much anything else deemed anti Sri Lankanisation, procrastinating, sinhala world domination, and bandchooning | ||||
“It's a Catholic conspiracy”
Called Ceylon before Arthur C. Clarke was knighted, Sri Lanka is a nation south of India with such a strange name that one would imagine only men, or Sri Lankans, existed in this exotic land and that not one of these men or Sri's had a Smt. Even the capital of Sri Lanka is a a masculine Sri "Jayawardenepura Kotte?" How can this be so? One would have thought motherland is feminine in most tongues. Sri Lanka sounds jarring.
The inhabitants of this strange land are the utmost venerable super protectors of theravada buddhism, to which the buddha himself trusted to protect the dhamma (they also claim they are the cradle of buddhist civilization). The great great kings ravana, dutugamunu, parakrmabahu have all served the country so well to have the war with the tamilians still running.
History
Early history
Fifth century BC before which a great great civilization exsisted: Vijaya, the legendary aryan papa of the Sinhalese arrives on the island. He brings with him 700 of his rowdy friends! Good start this!
Buddhism is introduced to the island. Mahinda; the brother of the Indian King Asoka flies into Sri Lanka ( Yes he did! Ranji is a Buddhist and she knows this. Note that this is long before the Wright Brothers!)
In 177BC two South Indian (ie Tamil) bruce willis take control of Anuradhapura, the ancient capital of the Sinhalese, and eventually--after ten years-- hands power over to Willis (also Tamil) who remains in control for a further forty five years until killed in single combat by Gamunu.
Duttagamini (Gamunu to his friends), a Sinhalese youth of royal descent gets bored out of his wits, thinks his dad is a prat and utter wimp for not fighting the Tamils, calls a few friends, gets up an army and takes on Elara. Elephants are used as battering rams, boiling pitch is poured from the battlements, elephants run amok scoring own goals.
Elara gets it! Sinhalese take this as victory in their Holy War. The Sinhalese never forget it, the Tamils never forget it.
Sri Lankan Civil War
Leader of the LTTE in a lethal stance: a martial arts pose adopted before the "tiger" attack in shaolin kung fu. This stance is also the "official" stance used by members of the LTTE rebel state Eeelam. It's also the stance LTTE rebels use to go to the bathroom.
The rebels, the self styled Liberation of Tamil Tigresses Eco-conservationists (LTTE), are a rebel group who love to call sri lanka an indian dropping but want it enough to eat it. (the dropping). The ruling govt. has claimed that this "ethnic" group has actually descended from neighbouring Venus and belongs more legitimately in Venus than in Sri Lanka. The rebels, meanwhile, in defiance, have taken to publicly addressing themselves with the Smt prefix in flagrant violation of the island's laws. The island's laws make it mandatory for all to use the Sri prefix and speak Sri Linguese. The rebels flout both these laws and were thus denied the privilege of availing 99% of the seats in the spheres of education and employment, reserved exclusively for users of the Sri prefix by a constitutional amendment in 1856 called the Sri Linguese Only Act. The ruling Sri linguan party even made a pact with the govt. of Venus to return rebel Smt Lankans (also called Smt-jees) to it. This elevated LTTE rebels to the status of martyrs in international eyes; most eyes will show hatred towards LTTE when reading the history of the struggle of these Smt-jees of Sri Lanka with the Sri-mans (another name for the Sri Linguese speaking Sri Lankans in majority).
The leader of LTTE, Smt Missing In Actioness (MIA), leads the revolution from her missing headquarters in London. The second in command, in the LTTE hierarchy, Smt Prabhakaran (prabha-ho-ren : also missing in action) operates from the northern peninsular region of Sri Lanka, Jaffna, from where she can easily escape to neighbouring India under duress. The third in command, Smt Thenmull Rajaratnam a.k.a. Dhanu, was assassinated in Sriperumbudur, India, by the self-immolating form of Rajiv Gandhi who attempted to embrace, kiss and copulate with her in public. Dhanu had been espousing the cause of LTTE's nation state, Eelyam, when she was embraced and assassinated by Rajiv Gandhi.
Current Status of the Ethnic Conflict
Venus tried to penetrate twice on behalf of the ruling Sri Lankan govt. but got bobbitt-ed on both occasions (by the Smt-jees). Norgay, a neutral nation, is currently acting as an arbiter between the warring factions to restore piece to the paradise island. Many injustices committed by previous govts on the Smt-jees have been reversed but the unrest is still far from over.
Meanwhile the Norgay mediators have been exploited in the backside . The situation is a bit more hysterical now, albeit more fun to watch than a few years back - when it was as exiting as soup growing cold.
Oh, BTW, the airport has been attacked by Smt-jees but (mostly pedophile) tourists have collectively ignored this loud fart as they are used to the sounds of farts by now. Up yours Smt-jees!! Yay. You need more virgin sacrifices to the Lord Hanuman.
Demographics
Sri Lanka's population consists of the descendants of the virile king Ravana who is said to have conquered all virgins of Lanka in mythical times. This theory is opposed by the claim that present physical evidences show that this deed was rather performed by half monkey Hanuman easing off on his brahmacharya. These physical evidences were discovered 10,000 feet under the soil of Kandy in Feb 2006 by Dr Arjuna Ranatunga Wikramsinghe Jaya Piyadasa, Archaeologist General, in scores of lithographs on red stone, depicting in graphic detail, the orgies of Hanuman with the virgins of the island, chapter by chapter, verse by verse. Dr A. R. W. J. Piyadasa claims that only a small fraction of an entire epic in pictographs on stone has been unearthed and that in fact that it is the parallel Ramayana that Hanuman had been composing in his spare time and which he destroyed on sage Valmiki's behest because it was more divine and transcendental than Valmiki's Ramayana. One of the two, Dr A.R. Wikramsinghe J.P. speculates,
- ...has handed us down an unreliable narration of historical facts, which is not necessarily a crime, but as a historian, I'd tend to go by Hanuman's autobiographical bit, and perhaps it's time we rewrote history and perhaps it's time the erotic lithographs were shown to the public because at this old age, I have little use for them. They were only useful till I turned 72, four months ago. Now nothing seems to be able to get it up anymore - my interest in the subject, I mean. (In an interview to the press - Daily News, 2nd Sep 2006)
The fact that Ramayana might be the oldest epic in the world and the fact that the virgins Hanuman screwed (a maximum of 500 considering he screwed one every 5 mins, or 2 mins - he had superpowers, agreed, but no less than 2 mins; and considering that he stayed in Lanka for exactly 2.3 days - not counting the time he spent burning it down with his tail; and considering a probability of 3 out of 28 of the virgins ovulating) might have migrated to Honolulu or Honduras, along with their progeny, in this long hiatus of 50,000 years, does not dissuade us from classifying, sub grouping and breaking down Sri Lanka's demography as follows:
- Sinhalese: descendants of those virgins lord Hanuman impregnated holding his super tool in his right hand; comprise 100% of total population;
- Tamilians: descendants of those virgins lord Hanuman impregnated holding his super tool in his left hand; comprise 48% of total population;
- Burghers: descendants of those virgins lord Hanuman impregnated in the missionary position; comprise 23% of total population;
- Politicians: descendants of those virgins lord Hanuman did not screw but the virgins still claim he did. According to Dr A. Ranatunga W. J. P., lord Hanuman actually fell asleep during the act and the virgins then went and got themselves knocked up by the virile sweeper; comprise 100% of total power equation.
Religions
"There are four predominant religions in Sri Lanka in which the Third is more predominant than the second by sheer number despite the fact that the third religion is the most practised way of life: it being more a way of life in it's ethos than a set of beliefs or rituals . The fourth religion is opposed to all the three religions and many of it's followers have migrated to areas in Earth's Southern Hemisphere that patronize the fourth religion and welcome refugees escaping persecution on grounds of faith (..against the fourth religion) from all parts of the galaxy. Followers of the second most predominant religion fight with followers of the first and third most popular religions on scores that have nothing to do with religion but everything to do with language, politics, and sheer idiocy. Some followers of the unlisted fifth religion are silent spectators to the melee. The Sri Lankan Republic has no state religion despite the fact that followers of the first religion comprise an overwhelming majority: more than half its population is first religious -- e [citation needed] to followers of the first religion and we should express solidarity with whosoever is exposing or fighting against this gross injustice to followers of the first religion in some island republic because, like them, we too are firstly religious and we too could be persecuted by some religion or some religious state sometime somewhere. Lord have mercy!"
Another major religion of Sri Lanka is the worship of Americans. Sri Lankans view Americans as, better than themselves, and love to worship them by making shoes for their ancestors that saved enough money to be reborn as Americans
Culture
Art
Sri Lankan Art has pronounced foreign influences from Buddhist, Sinhalese, Tamil, Burgher (Portuguese & Dutch) & Vedda cultures. Immigrant groups from these alien cultures taught the local native of Sri Lanka, Sri Balangoda, how to use the axe and the spear to decorate cave walls. Being of a pacifist nature with a phenomenal curiosity for learning, the Balangoda Man absorbed all these cultures. As news of Balangoda's education reached shores as far flung as Portugal and Patliputra, suddenly everyone wanted to educolonate the Balangoda man.
Sri Balangoda was suddenly surrounded and found himself in a setting with a mind-boggling faculty to student ratio. Exasperated, the Balangoda man confessed that he was not a native of the land and that, in fact, he had only been touring the area when the Veddas had first arrived from the distant archipelago in the West. In accordance with laws of the immigrants, now in force on the island, his immigrant teachers promptly put him on trial for perjury. Sometime during the trial, when the Tamilians were having a heated argument with the Buddhists and the Veddas were eating mangoes, Balangoda Man quietly slipped away and joined his Balangoda woman. No one quite knows where he had come from or where he went or what the Balangoda's woman looks like.
However, the trial continued in absentia (in accordance with the laws of the immigrants) and it's hot debates still carry on as more and more immigrants (like some burghers) have joined the fray - the consequence of this ongoing trial is that 200 metric tons of Art and 122 metric tonnes of Culture are generated each day, most of which is buried in Anuradhapura, with the remaining being used as landfill off the coast of Batticaloa to build a bridge, called Sri Adam Bridge, to Singapore via Sumatra, Indonesia. Once the bridge is complete (which would coincide with the trial's judgement day), all the immigrant populations will leave for Singapore (in accordance with the laws of the immigrants) via Sri Adam's Bridge for the purpose of invading and rechristening Singapore as Sri Sri Sri Sri Sri Sringapore (5 Sri's for the five foreign immigrant communities or influences).
Literature
Ancient Sri Lankan literature was written mostly in Sinhala. This renders it largely incomprehensible, though very decorative, especially when fabric-painted, framed and used as a wall hanging. The reason behind this strange quirk of nature is that though the Sri Lankans were the first in the Indian Subcontinent to learn to write (as early as in the Mesolithic age), they did not know what to write. So they just wrote - largely incomprehensible stuff. By the time they learned how to compose, the script in use in the Indian subcontinent, in a cruel twist of fate, had totally changed and had become incomprehensible to the Sri Lankans, resulting in a great gap in Sri Lankan literature of lost "oral" epics and poetry.
Contemporary Sri Lankan Literature in English, on the contrary, is comprehensible. The part that is comprehensible is that it is positively gay. The leading Sri Lankan writer of fiction in English, Sri Ma'am Selvadurai, writes gay stuff. His famous novels, Bunny Boy and Cinnamon Gay Men won the prestigious Lambda's Pie Literary Award for best Greek writing in English. Selvadurai now lives in exile in Toronto after the Sri Lankan state instituted charges of sedition against him in April 2002. Another famous Sri Lankan writer in English, Sri Mary Ann Mohanraj, writes exclusively about sex; incest and bestiality being her favourite themes. The list of awards she has won is actually longer than the stuff she has written. Then there's that burgher, Michael Ondantjee, who buggered up Sri Lankan fiction. Something is fundamentally wrong with Sri Lankan writers of fiction; but that's the contemporary literary scene for you.
Portugese and Dutch
South of Sansiv land is Shree Lanka populated mostly by Sinhala, Muslim Tamil, Burghers (also know as "buggers" not because of their preference for goats and other sundry animals but because they "buggered" off to Ozland and other English speaking countries as it was closer to their language called "Bingerlish" -- a mix of burgher Singhalease and English).
One of their famous writers Carl Muller is now doing a translation of the Jam fruit tree into Sinhala (language spoken by the Singhalease) as he found it hard to explain to the Mahanayake of the Kandy temple about the burgher community and their habits of eating drinking and making merry and getting into a fight at the drop of an "amude" (an "amude" is a loincloth worn by the natives instead of those dreadful underwear known as "waulas" or bats in Binglish. Waulas come in all sorts of colours mostly made out of cotton -- sometimes jute for estate labourers -- and looks like a bat when hung out on a line to dry, a common sight on the roadside when driving upcountry around Beragala).
The Burghers are very well accepted in Australia so much so that they even elected a Burgher bugger as Governor of Victoria; they also paved the way for the others such as Sinhala Tamil Muslims, some Veddas and Rodiyas to migrate to Down Underwear (also known as Feathery Bat in local Singhalease). Now the Tamils have caused quite a hullabaloo by claiming to be descendants of the Ozzie aborigines and that their clan, the Dravidian, originated in Feathery Bat and moved to South India and were heading further North when they were pushed back by some invading Moguls (see History of India in "C"). Now the Sinhalaya will have nothing with this as he claims to be of Aryan descent, hence the appellation Ariya Sinhala. This was further advocated by SWRD (u know who i mean?) B. and who had his hand held up in Hail Hitler fashion as his first political symbol (see old 10 cent stamp) and in a similar fashion created a Jewish syndrome against the Tamils with the promise to give back to the Sinhalaya his language, religion and land. The remaining Burghers are now banding themselves to take over Colombo 1-12 and call it their own Burgerland; some of them are back from Feathery Bat, viz. Ozzie Land and are trying to claim back their homes which they left in the hands of some "trustworthy" servant or lawyer, or both, who in turn sold them to the new rich muadalali (a businessman mostly into "buying and selling"). You meet these types in the Colombo club circuit, propped up at the bar drinking scotch and soda and yapping so loudly that they sometimes drown the Ozzie man farting at the next table after having downed his umpteenth beer. Man oh man, the habits these Burgher buggers pick up from Down Underwear is scary. But, perhaps its still better than the sneaker left by our friend from up North after his vadai and sambal; not to be outdone, the Sinhalaya will start rolling his eyes and vomiting and belching and farting, all at the same time -- "anything these bloody foreigners do I can do better" is his motto. Then some NGO or sundry whites walk in and they crowd this specimen like bees around a honey pot, kissing his arse, buying him drinks, inviting him home for a rice and curry meal, with only one thing on their minds: How to profit from this miserable son of a bitch. More often than not, it works the other way around.
Doosra & Chuck
Sri Chuck Norris, coach of the Sri Lankan cricket team, taught Muralitharan how to chuck the doosra. Sri Norris was eating what he thought was a dosa for breakfast in Hotel Taj Samudra in Colombo when he got very angry for there was a fly in his dosa. He chucked the dosa at the waiter screaming, You sonnamabeach whaat nonsense dosa you bring?
Murali, who was breakfasting with Sri Norris and then under training, watched keenly.
Sir, the waiter replied, wiping the alleged dosa off his apron, Sir, this is not a "dosa," this is an "appa."
What mammapappa nonsense idiot, I say shut da fuck up hoe!! Sri Norris replied, rising from his chair, with his penis hanging down from his pants.
No Sir, mumbled the waiter, stepping back and trying to explain, "dosa" and "appam" is what you get in India. This is similar Sir, but not quite the same. It's the doosra "dosa" called "appa"
At this Sri Norris got very angry and he chucked the waiter, the doosra, the table and the chair out of the window of Hotel Taj Samudra. and jumped out the window himself with his penis still hanging out of his pants, he told the waiter to suck it, and the waiter eventually did [ seeing as how big and long it was, she said " Why Not ", Murali's lesson was over; he smiled blissfully at the thought of the newly acquired knowledge as Sri Norris smiled back at him saying "You're next".
The doosra is a deadly weapon for felling cricketers who hobble on crutches made of willow because both their legs have been plastered to make it difficult for them to run. Because of the deadly nature of the doosra, Murali and his coach, Sri Norris have been banned on several occasions by the People for Ethical Treatment of Batters (PETB) from playing in International cricket matches.
Sex and Pornography
All pornography websites are banned by the Taliban regime of the crowned king. There are plans to prohibit sex altogether in future, since Sri Lankans does not need Sex because the King fucks them every day up their asses.
The culture of sri Lanka is as such that the main threats against the culture are The nude beach in Kalutara opened in mid 2011 and the 5% of homosexuals and lesbians. There is a government ministry chosen by the king to preserve the culture of Sri Lanka, and they have suggested that woman must be dressed in a way that covers their knees and elbows in order to preserve the culture of Sri Lanka.
Any book, artwork or an undergarment that can be connected to any of the religions practiced in Sri Lanka would be confiscated, and the person responsible would be imprisoned until everyone forget about the incident.
Politics
To be successful in politics of Sri Lanka, one must prove themselves dangerous yet useful to the king. Having a media company, private army/arsenal, child soldiers, meth lab or a drug cartel are added qualifications to get a seat in the parliament. For a woman, simply being a whore or at least an actress in a porn movie is a qualification.
Serving the country to protect it, by risking ones own life is considered as a grave crime in Sri Lanka; and one could possibly end up in jail for a lifetime for such a crime. Writing any word against the king is rewarded with a one-way cruise ticket to the middle of the Indian Ocean.
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