Some native american with smallpox
“Ah, yes...he's the one that fucked it up for the rest of them.”
Some Native American With Smallpox was a man who in the year 1499 contracted the smallpox virus from some Asshole Spanish Explorer and then unwittingly transmitted it to the indigenous peoples of the Americas. He is widely regarded as a hero of white people.
Life History[edit]
Some Native American With Smallpox started his life in a small village somewhere in Latin America. Born to a typical family, Some Native American With Smallpox spent his childhood like most Native Americans at the time--playing a strange, savage version of soccer, herding goats, and sacrificing virgins to his pagan gods. In his high school superlatives, he was voted "Most Likely To Ruin Society as We Know It". [1] After high school, he went to the local community college, taking a few courses in Business Administration. After receiving a two year degree, Some Native American with Smallpox opened up a small sporting goods store in his native village of Pahni e Ch'en, where he achieved moderate business success. It was in his store that that he once again hooked up with his high school sweetheart. They soon married and sacrificed his sweetheart's sister to the almighty sun god Huitzilopochtli.
At the age of 15, after fathering his sixth child, Some Native American With Smallpox was hunting the ceremonial turkey feather along the coast when he ran into Some Asshole Spanish Explorer. After graciously taking him down to the brig of a large and (some say) compensating for something ship[2], Some Asshole Spanish Explorer explained to the savage youth that he was there on a divine mission from King and Queen of Spain to conquer the lands of the Americas and rape its peoples and resources. It was here that the youth contracted smallpox; some say that he only had to pay 13 beads. [3]
Some Native American with Smallpox then returned to his village just in time for the Come-in-Contact-and-Close-Quarters-of-Everyone-in-the-Village Festival. Two days later, the entire village of Pahni e Ch'en was dead, with the rest of Mesoamerica already kneeling to Spanish dominance.
A Hero of White People[edit]
Some Native American With Smallpox is, as stated before, considered one of the heroes of white people, along with Ronald Reagan and Republican Jesus. The common belief is that without the contributions of Some Native American With Smallpox, the Americas could of been colonized by ethnic groups other than white people, such as Asians, Arabs, or Jews.[4] This could have resulted in some alternate universe and histories, which sci-fi nerds could have written long winded novels about,[5] which could be totally lame. Some historians also believe that the native peoples could have thrived on with their own cultures, but those historians are almost all considered anti-American assholes.
Every October, white people celebrate the contribution of Some Native American With Smallpox on Columbus Day.
Impact on Smallpox[edit]
Economists also point to the fact that Some Native American With Smallpox helped to inflate the market value of smallpox, showing that it is an effective killing tool instead of a nuisance. Smallpox's break onto the weapons scene also paved the way for other viruses and bacteria, such as Anthrax, AIDS, and most recently E. Coli.
His accomplishments also pushed up the price of smallpox, making it a valued commodity for the conquistador-on-the-go. If Some Native American With Smallpox were alive today, economist Jewwy McMoneybags stated, "That shmuck's stock would be hotter than Paris Hilton!"[6]
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ Ironically, this did not have its current meaning in the mid-to-late 15th century; in the native tongue, this translates most closely to "Mr. Personality".
- ↑ Now, of course, it is common knowledge that Some Asshole Spanish Explorer had a small penis
- ↑ This is considered one of the biggest ripoffs in modern history; today on the black market smallpox goes for several million dollars.
- ↑ The idea that Black People could have colonised the Americas is considered laughable by all.
- ↑ See Kim Stanley Robinson and Harry Turtledove.
- ↑ "That's hot," Paris Hilton retorted.