Lithuania
“What did you just call me?”
“You've got to be kidding!”
“This is the reason why civilization is declining...”
“In Soviet Russia... Lithuania annexes YOU! Wait...what?”
Ein kartoffel, das ist alles! | |||||
| Official language | Lies, Li Thu Ang dialect of China, Propaganda, Zulu | ||||
| Capital | Vilniuskonstantropolis | ||||
| President | Schwarzenegger XII | ||||
| The God of Lithuania | Sabonis | ||||
| Most Famous Citizens | Sabas, Paksas, David Hasselhoff, Skeletor, Zorro | ||||
| Music | Eurovision in Urban areas & Traditional Chainese Heavy Metal Folk Music in rural areas. | ||||
| Intelligence - Total - % |
Ranked -11th 1337 ½% | ||||
| Independence - Declared - Recognised - Lost |
From (The Evil Empire Of) themselves 16 November 1919 19 December 1945 13 December 1992 | ||||
| Sanity - Declared - Recognised - Lost |
19 December 2004 20 December 2004 21 December 2004 | ||||
| Currency | LITre (1 LITre = 10 glasses x 100 millilitre of C2H5OH) | ||||
| Imports | Drugs, Vodka, Marlboro Lightsabers, Nuclear Mushrooms | ||||
| Exports | STD, Holy water, Human Slaves | ||||
| Chemical Symbol | Li | ||||
| National Anthem | We Are the Winners | ||||
First of all, everything you need (and don't need) to know about The Glorious Nation of Lithuania is blues & shoes, including this particular article.
Furthermore, don't even try to TRY to understand Lithuania without a canister or two of traditional beer resting safely in your stomach (or, preferably, looking for a way out). The local brand "Svyturys" is fine for this sacred and holy purpose, "Bambalis" (an abnormaly big plastic bottle of some cheap alien-kind substance you wouldn't even consider drinkable) is even better.
So!
Lithuania is located near Stoneya, Landia and sometimes Churkey. The people of Lithuanian ethnicity are currently enjoying the countless benefits of the marvelous European Union, such as being able to eat French fries after years of suppression and persecution, also the ability to warp to Great Britain, Ireland, Spain and other great EU countries such as Uzbekistan.
Lithuania is known for being home to many successful witches, wizards, cave trolls, sumo wrestlers and nuns. Lithuanians, after much blackmailing and scientific research, have proven to be the long-lost descendants of an ancient tribe currently dwelling somewhere near the Geographic Center of Santaland and the future cultural birthplace of Europe (for more nonsense see theory of Northern Athens). The natives are known to be very peaceful and sometimes drunk, except for the majority which are very drunk and sometimes peaceful. The natives seem to believe in many doubtful heresies, such as basketball, pickles, a brighter tomorrow and Vodka (except in the northern parts where they mostly believe in Biržai beer). A tourist paradise all in one.
Many surveys have described Lithuanians as very social. They appear to have some sort of unexplainable urge to bond with foreign people on a daily basis, especially through middle fingers. If you come across a Lithuanian trying to communicate with you with the help of his ever-so rich body language, don't hesitate to respond, this heavy-duty ritual means he wants to go outside and talk, except in cases when he wishes to just chain you to his truck, and then lend it to his blind grandma, who will hang you upside down in her underground teletubby shrine and attempt to brainwash you through non-stop TOP SHOP commercials.
!!!WARNING!!!
Do not fart here. EVER. No, seriously, man. Don't. Farters will be captured, tied down and publicly executed. Survivors will be employed in the nearest postal office. If the urge hits you and you're unable to leave the country within 24 hours, please use specialised sucking devices to decontaminate and neutralize the farts. They can be found in every local police department. Thank you for your time.
History
Contrary to popular belief, there is some. Although it's better to avoid the topic like a monthly visit to the dentist, as after a few "Bambalis" Lithuanians are much too talkative about their historical background--much too much. If you do get into a history lesson however, reach for nearest "bambalis", mix it with a bucket of vodka (the stronger, the better), drink the mixture bottoms up and fall unconscious under the table. Trust us, we're saving your life here.
Aaaanyway!
Lithuania was first mentioned in 1009 BC (BC=Before Chuck Norris) by some guy on his Internet blog. In the far past this mysterious land was known for striking terror into the hearts and underpants of neighbouring countries (of course, in a good way). According to the blog, once upon a time, in a dark, spooky prehistoric exhibit in some dark, spooky prehistoric dinosaur museum, a group of lost tourists evolved into barbarians. On a stormy night, a lot like this one, they were swinging on Internet cables hanging from the ceiling when, suddenly, one of the barbarians, who was blessed with the gift of language, spoke the words of eternal wisdom, "Hey guyz, why don't we establish a vilage instead of wandering around aimlessly like a bunch of barbarians?" And so, a decision was made among the barbarians to throw their battle hammers into the air and establish a village which they later called "The Land Of Lotsa Piez".
Many years passed since that day. The Land Of Lotsa Piez prospered, ate itself, came back as a zombie and killed everyone else, but eventually it grew into a small city, with its own army, strip club, guillotine, etc. And then came the time when people of the city became old, fat and greedy. In the early 1800's, King Jeremy the Wicked of Prussia invaded and briefly held the country, but a few years later the Lithuanians united against the Prussians and sent out their pet monkeys to steal everybody's chickens, then Lithuania fell into the world war 7 and everybody got cancer. The monkeys took the first train to Hogwarts.
The End.
Politics
Lithuania is currently under the metal fist of its dictator Abonentas Brazauskinis. To help Abonentas Brazauskinis rule the country, some supporting state institutions have been established. As an additional benefit of this, the institutions make Lithuania appear nicely democratic. We could give you more details but we would have to shoot you afterwards.
Military
Lithuania has one of the biggest armies in the universe:
- 16 UFO's equipped with laser cannons (armor 5, damage 6, mana cost per shot 10)
- 15.000 Light infantry
- half of a plasma rocket
- 1251 super tanks with special ability to look like an old woman (armour 9, damage 11)
- National army from Šiauliai led by Saulėns.
- 1 World's Greatest terrorist (ever) named O'Mama Ladin Recycle Bin armed with "KABLYS 9.5" "bambalis" (no armour, no gun, 1 "bambalis" cost per operation)
- Lithuania has the biggest nuclear gun in the world: Wisagins Nuclear Power Station (codenamed WiNnie the Pooh)
- 12 strippers called "Vakaro ziniu mergaites" ("Evening News Girls" or just "VZ girls")
- lotsa vicious old ladies, bumbling about youth and everyone else. can be indentified because they look like barrels (small and round), with knitted berets (that's why they are called "Knitted Berets") and with old (older than me, you and even your dog) bangs, made of young people's skin. (armor 22, damage 50, speed -1, Validol cost per shot 1kg).
- 1 Lituanica Stealth Bomber forces (used during the Star Wars and Žalgiris Battle) piloted by Jurgis Kairys. Lituanica has its own artificial intelligence, claims itself to be a bird, and untertakes long distance annual migrations to the South.
There exists a top secret project initiated by the Lithuanian army forces. Several terrorist raids on most important state and military objects SEMA, Vilniaus Degtine, and Daumantu Makaronu Fabrikas caused a project to call for backup and form the special armed forces teams SWAT, OMON, and THE JEDI KNIGHTS. Since the early Middle Ages, the project was partially introduced to the unsuspecting public minds. Only facts: Elite squad was named "Aitvaras" (Flying toilet paper), it contains bewteen 30,000 and 40,000 troops and heavy artillery armed with the newest Lithuanian technological wonders Potato cannons, homing cucumber rockets, and smart hedgehog landmines. Also available are three separate groups of supporting and maintenance named "Tribambis Zydas", "Seks Emisaru Ruros", and "Falck sex curity".
Geography
Lithuania does not exist. It is a made up country for poeple with overly active immaginations or who are (too) embarassed to admit where they're really from except for its female population. Innocence comes from within. We are the people. You are the poo. Hide your wallets, because Lithuanian women are pickpockets. And they know how the zipper works too.
The most popular myth is that Lithuania is located east of California but south of San Diego (they wish), beneath Spain, just around the courner of Finland and somewhere in the streets of Japan (which is true). Lithuania borders the following countries: Jesus Land to the North, Titikaka to the South, China to the East, China to the South-East and China to the North-East and El Cajon to the Mid-South. And don't you argue with us or we'll vomit! Every other Nia-Nia and Stan-Stan revolves around us like a spider on drugs.
Another story tells that Lit-who-whines-a-lot (Nia-Nia) is actually a country of knights in shining armadillo country plastered with jeep talmud and speedy nationals who beat grandmothers with candy canes. Damn, who could testify to that but Mayor Golding? Please - go ahead and testify, as we are never a guardian ad litem!
Many, many centuries and weeks of research have gone by and we have come up with the conclusion that: Litvinia (a.k.a. Litua, Litova, Liettua, Lietusva, Tautieciaistan etc.) is a rocky country with tasty women on the other side of Europeus Plutonicus. Legend goes that the women were imported from Turkey, but their chemistry has been changed forever. That is why Vilnius is the place to find dark featured women who look like Turkey fat & hairy men. And by the way, another legend tells us (via ancient VCR, DVD and contemporary TVQ*) that Lithuanian women have been infested (and transvested) by Amorinians from the enigmatic eastern land which is ruled by the mountainous people republic of Amorinia. That is why some (only some) Lithuanian women have a third eye between their tits and three lips. Yes, that is true!
Lit-nia consists of 11 counties, one of which contains a city of high (and not so high) skyscrapers called Knyvius Minimus and is ruled by ancestors of Amorinians that have so plentifully intravened into Lithuania's fragile history (economy and geography too). The abovementioned (and not forgotten) 11 counties consist of at least 1 city, one town and one village as per ruling of our great-great-grand-leader who has passed away into democracy defacing our nation and letting us to disobey our own principles of lust and vitality. Gas stations in Lithonia? Oh come on, Lithuania has no gas stations as such. The only gas chamber we had closed after WWII when Papa Adolphius Debilicus visited us and our dear nation every single weekend of the day. As for toilets, yes, you may disagree or you may agree that Latvia has more toilets per capita than any other country of the world and beyond it. But Lithuania, all it does is purchase most of Latvian toilets and destroy them. And Lithuania does so proudly and effectively. That is why Lithuania has the highest decapita per skull per whole nation. Why is the question and the answer is - it just has to be that way.
The population (please do NOT confuse it with strangulation!) of Lithuania is anywhere between a million to a thousand and a half of human-like semi-aryan semi-philistine people who all know how to be ready, ride and write (and perhaps more, if you beg them). The nationality of our residents, citizens and semi-visitors varies from day to hour. It can be anywhere between the abovementioned thousand to a whopping prillion or more. 85% of those usually are Lithomaniacs (a.k.a. Kazlu-orda) and the rest are Gaijin (a.k.a. Gaidziai) which is believed to be borrowed from a Japanese word "gaijin" for a "foreigner". Which is true! There are NO Russians and NO Poles (nor parking meters) or others in Lithuania since all have been killed and molested off in the last century or two weeks or so ago. Sorry, but they had to go ... It just had to be that way...but Lithuanian women are ripoffs when they saw that no one grovelled. We expect that they will return. :o(
Lithuania (Thoo-Nay is a proposed new name for Lithuania proper) has one forest comprised mainly of Pakistani pine and Belgian bamboo with a very large population of Eurasian monkeys and woo-doo dogs and an increasing population of spider birds that are known to carry nasty diseases like spidoma (closed mouth disease) and phyllisoma (narrow eyes syndrome), but those are being eradicated and will die out soon alright. They have no teaks or unions.
The deepest lake of Lithuania is believed to be Chicken Lake (Vistycio ezeras, which is true and it is believed to produce all the chicken and eggs that the country needs for internal and external use and export to the fourth and fifth world. Na, alright.
The tallest (and steepest) mountain on Earth and in Lithuania (Litvanya in Turkish, because TR is already a EU member while LT has left the EU) is Kempines Kalva (Sponge Hill). It is exactly 17 km tall and is made from all the garbage dear Lithuanians have been consuming over decades and millenniums of garbage rule. The Kempines Kalva (Sponge Hill) is covered with 7 century old asphalt that's been a starting ground for local populace of UFOs. And is a nice attraction for local kids too.
Longest river in Lithuania is Pakistan-Eyerack Canal which is actually an artificial waterway and is about 508 km long. All other waterways have been exhausted, dirtied and asphalted over to make space for new generation of ZUV's which are, as you all know, Zap Utility Vehicles. That is ALL folks! All we knew about geography of Lithuania we have tearlessly decoded onto this pagina virtualis and of course, for you to read and become 100% literacy compliant alright.
- TVQ is our 27th century's visionic tech which unzips easily into Travantical Visionic Quesmus - a very very eye-catching super hi-q tech that has been introduced to us (and our minds) recently.
Famous Cities
Here are the most important major cities in Lithuania:
- Riga (also known as Ricca) - Although many people haven't been to Lithuania, they say they've been to Riga. Scientists are still unable and/or are too drunk to come up with a reasonable explanation for this strange phenomenon.
- Vilnius (a.k.a. Villadzezuskrais) - or Wilno, as the locals refer to it - the second largest city in Lithuania. Home to many mexican soap opera stars and bird-people.
- Kaunas (a.k.a. Kowno) - is famous for the best basketball team in the world - Žalgiris, F1 racing driver Vytautas Sustauskas.
- Klaipeda (a.k.a. Collipedio) - Dolce&Gabbana cult city. Also it is known as a seaport. Big boats dock here (according to the propaganda theory, which is very popular among Lithuanians).
- Paneveggio (a.k.a Chiaburiekyne) - is the biggest sportswear buyer from Nike, Nice, Adidas and Adibas.
- Siauliai (a.k.a. Sciollia) - is the most important city in Lithuania. Thanks to the NATO bases it has the fastest growing prostitution in the region. See more at Travel and Leisure.
- Kedainiai (a.k.a. Chidenna) - a major producer of pickles.
- Silute (a.k.a. Scilutte) - a world-wide supplier of marijuana, bibles and opium toys.
- Alytus (a.k.a. Alitto) - HQ of Dzoukian Mafia.
- Nemenncine (a.k.a. Nomanginno) - World Famous Radio Show is produced there.
- Mazeikiai (a.k.a. Mozecci) - HQ of International (U.S.) Oil Mafia.
- Telsiai (a.k.a. Telsci) - The Capital of Pays Bas Baltiques. Nothing else is going on there (except some real tough fighting between local moujaheddins).
- Palanga (a.k.a. Nga-Nga) - The Capital of Coastal Mafia called NdPalangeta.
- Kelme (a.k.a Churka) - The Capital of LDK.
- Balbieriskis (a.k.a. Lithuanian Madagascar) - The best known city in Lithuania.
- Marijampole (a.k.a. Miami) - Home to the only possibly alive Lithuanian crocodile.
- Liaucius (a.k.a. Koenigsberg) - future capital of Lithuania.
- Druskininkai (a.k.a. Saltville) - rich bitch resort full of mushrooms, trees and obese womenoids.
- Suvalkai (a.k.a. Polska) - former Lithuanian seaport on the Pacific shore.
- Zarasai (a.k.a. Infectious) - that's where all the sick and dying are being sent to.
- Varena (a.k.a. Mushroom Ring) - In that town is the biggest troglodite population, because it has the statue of legion.
- Villa (a.k.a. Second Vatican) - In that town lithuanian language not allowed
Economy
Illicit drugs
Transhipment point for opiates and other illicit drugs from Southwest Asia, Latin America, and Western Europe to Western Europe and Scandinavia; limited production of methamphetamine and ecstasy; susceptible to money laundering despite changes to banking legislation. Massive consumption of vodka (degtine), gasoline and toothpaste as hallucinogens. Samagon, translated into English means DIY (Do It Yourself) or Moonshine, is the most popular drink in Lithuania. It it made from a very old traditional recipe.
27,5% of the population of Lithuania have become insane after sniffing at least 6 micrograms of Soda + Cillit Bang compound washed down with a mix of Red Bull and Vodka. 50.1% of the population of Lithuania is hooked on Lithium. They like to sniff glue too.
Prostitution
Lithuanians do not know what prostitution is. All ########### between men and women are being made totally free of charge. Even husbands and wives sleep for free nowadays. What does politics have to do with this? Well, dear Nationals (Tautieciai), you know well, "politine prostitute" (political prostitute) is a very well known term in Lithuania, but the only difference - "politine prostitute" sleeps for free as well. That is, I'm sorry, a "Politine Prostitute" actually PAYS $$$ to its "victim" (stalker, interessant, sex-seeker) and not vice versa.
Science and technology
Communications
Unfortunately Internet connections have not yet been introduced in Lithuania. However, the government is about to build the first ever Internet access point in the colony of New Panevezis (300'000 inhabitants), London, SE3.
Meanwhile, the locals are forced to use smoke signals to modulate the incoming signals from the interweb system. More than 32.6% of the population are occupied in this particular segment of industry; this makes Lithuania the most IT-oriented country in the World.
We also have one telephone company TEO-Zebra. It is a very expensive and very progessive company. At year 1980, 100% of lithuanians had telephones. Now, that percentage has declined to 0.6%. The remaining telephone owners are mostly old ladies who love to speak with each other all the time. TEO just built a new branch in Vilnius. They say it is the best in the entire world at this time.
Space encounter program
Lithuanians are the 4th space exploring country or at least soon will be. The top secret Mars occupation program "Aqwile", started in early 2000, is now almost complete with the first launch planned in August. This modern rocket is equipped with all state-of-the-art technologies including LTV (national television) transmitters for propaganda and commercials, necessary equipment for cosmonaut's basic needs and 3 stage engine system. It is not important for astronauts to survive after they land. Their mission is to put a flag of Lithuania on Mars and declare this planet to be "conquered and now dominated by the great motherland Lithuania Empire", so all formalities about teritorical claims can be filled by superior lawyers of Lit. There are no actual plans nor need for astronauts to return after that.
Vytis-01 Hybrid Engine
This ultra modern Vytis-01 Hybrid Engine Outerspace capsule was designed just a few days ago as our intelligence agencies show our worst enemies - the Latvians - also plan to occupy Mars, so every minute is extremely valuable. The capsule contains all necessary equipment for survival and of course some recreational and leisure equipment such as electricity, a TV set which engineers got as a present from the government, and pirate cable TV (that one we got from mafia in exchange for some commercials on Capsule). Mainly it's financed from a 2% sales tax which is transferred from citizens and inhabitants to NGOs (nongovernmental organizations). Vytis-01 Hybrid Engine is not only for travel but also for combat: it also has some plasma guns (defence - 12 (shiny mirrors to reflect spells) damage 32, mana cost to spell - 19 (mainly collected from solar energy).
Primary tests show that it can reach up to 142 km/h speed but we are working on the engine. Beware, this information is top secret, so please be so kind and don't pass it to Latvian intelligence and mass media. Well, it's not only that they could use it (their engineers are not as smart as we are) but to prevent panic among civilians. We will pass some Mars to Latvia as we will privatise it. We give you our word. Honestly.
Demographics
- Population:31 disabled and mentaly disturbed who couldn't purchase tickets abroad or slowly walk over the Polish border (July 2005 est.) 40000.2 people before May 2004.
- Age structure:
- 0-14 years: 0.2% (male many/female many too)
- 15-64 years: 3.0% (male extinct/abroad/female lots)
- 65 years and over: 96.1% (male all suicidal/female still alive) (1919 est.)
- Median age:
- Total: 17.83 years
- Male: 15.25 years
- Female: 70.46 years (1989 est.) (preservatives do help)
- Demography:
- Population growth rate: -15.3% (1890 est.) (mass suicides are common)
- Birth rate: 862 births/1,000 people (193319332005 est.)
- Reincarnation rate: 480 reincarnations/1,000 people (1960 est.)
- Net migration rate: -980.71 migrant(s)/1,000 people (1999 est.)
- Sex ratio:
- At birth: 5.06 male(s)/female
- Under 15 years: 2.05 male(s)/female
- 15-64 years: 99 male(s)/female
- 65 years and over: 99 male(s)/female
- Total population: 0.04 male(s)/female (2000 est.)
- Hermaphrodites: 250/1,000 population (2000 est.)
- Sex change operations: 117/1,000 population (1966 est.)
- Infant mortality rate:
- Total: 689 deaths/1,000 live births
- Male: 825 deaths/1,000 live births
- Female: 545 deaths/1,000 live births (1666 est.)
- Other: 974 deaths/1,000 live births (1979 est.)
- Life expectancy at birth:
- Total population: 23.97 years
- Male: 18.94 years
- Female: 89.28 years (1975 est.)
- Total fertility rate: 8.19 children born/woman (1985 est.)
- HIV/AIDS 0%
- Adult prevalence rate: 0.00% (1936 est.)
- People living with HIV/AIDS: 1 (1936 est.)
- HIV/AIDS deaths: less than 2 (1875 est.)
- Ethnic groups:
Religions:
- Sunni Muslims -79%(Pork lover), Cat-holics (cat lovers) - 115%, Pagans (stone and fire lovers) - 42% Protestant (including Lutheran and Evangelical Christian Baptist) -1.9%, other or unspecified -5.5%, none -9.5% (2001 census)
- Languages:
- Lithuanian - 50%, Propaganda - 44,9%, other - 5%, C++ - 0,1%.
- Literacy:
- Definition: age 15 and over can ride a horse and write a CD
- Total population: 1.3%
- Male: 0.7% (1999 est.)
- Female: 0.6% (1986 est.)
Education
Education is known to Lithuanians. Some are known to have tried it, none have actually liked it. Often, their video-game addicted children do not attend school so they are unable to get any education.
According to another theory (which is bitterly contested by realists), education is compulsory in the country. The person who fails to pass exams on the third attempt is immediately deported from the country. For some reason, the Government makes the exams so difficult that none can pass them.
The Ministry of Education of Lithuania has issued a series of books related to political education. A few examples:
- "Being President for Dummies"
- "National Elections for Dummies"
- "Propaganda for Dummies"
- "Machination for Dummies"
- "Credit Card Fraud for Dummies"
- "Don't Delete ACT Scores or Mess With APS Scores for Dummies"
School education programs require passing of three exams for all students from any of the following:
- Creating populist political doctrine
- Brainwashing
- Stealing money from the budget
- Stealing Spouses
- Crying Fiesta
- Dagon look-a-like contest for UCSD coeds
- Stealing money
Culture
The most notable aspect of Lithuanian culture is politics. These ideals include the right to be married to a homosexual against your will, the ideal that 1 percent of the richest people are slaves of the other 99 percent (There has been a great researh in Baltics, where they try to prove, that two equally rich people in one country sooner or later cancel each other out, like matter and antimatter. The best engineers have already built a machine which could produce cheap electricity that way) and the concept of blood sucking. All are unquestionable pearls of culture which have been given to the World by the Lithuanian nation.
And last but not least: the most popular highlight in Lithuania is the supermarket "Akropolis", situated on the Ozas Hills in Vilnius. All people (most often from the provinces) bring their children to see this warehouse and prefer it to other city objects, such as the Gediminas Love Castle, art museums featuring pictures of Ghallagher cut out of Soviet newspapers, gay bars, etc. Luckily, Lithuania has the second "Akropolis" opened in Klaipėda and the other one in Kaunas. Nobody would starve until there is VP Market, called The Great Mother...
Sports
Lithuania is by default the greatest country in the World to produce Basketball players. The national team had won all European Basketball Championships except in 1937, 1939 and 2003. Another dominant sports sphere is discus throwing, where former president Algirdas Brazauskas' bodyguard Virgilijus Alekna leaves no chance for others to even come close to his results. another sport that is popular in Lithuania is known as Goat-Raping where the Lithuanian's rank Second in the world behind the Slovakians. they are however ranked first in Goat Oral since 98% of all citizens are seasoned experts with hundreds of practice sessions under their belts.
Truth about Lithuanians
In 2005, after the completion of a 25-year-long double-blind study, Lithuanians were unequivocally able to prove that it was all Russia's fault. This came as no surprise to the Bulgarians, Poles, and Slovakians who were doing similar studies of their own.
See also
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