Cuba
La Republica Torista y Comunista pero siempre Poverista de Cuba y La reconquista de la Miami, Florida, America. VIVA CUBA LIBRE! The Once Free But Then Converted To Catholicism Then Sold To Britain Then Made To Be USA's Worst Shithole And Slutcave Then Somehow Communist But Still Always Poor Cheap-Whored Junk-Carred Republic Of Cubic Squareheads. Ah, That Li'l Protesting Slapwhore Under American Ass. | |||||
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| Motto: "Where just near everything is legal" | |||||
| Anthem: Row, Row, Row Your Boat | |||||
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| Capital | Moscow | ||||
| Largest city | Guantanamo Bay | ||||
| Official language(s) | Cubist, Cubano con Barreras, Chusma, French (socialist dialect), Korean (despotist dialect), Porfavorian (money language), Mexican (Little Havana and Southern Cuba only), Haitian Creole, Spanglish, and Yelling. | ||||
| Government | Communist Fascism | ||||
| ‑ First Secretary | Raul Castro | ||||
| ‑ President | Miguel Díaz-Canel | ||||
| ‑ Second Secretary | José Machado Ventura | ||||
| ‑ God | Che Guevara and Fidel Castro. | ||||
| Ethnic Groups | Chusmas, Aseres, Chamacos, Chongas, Putas and Negroes (over half the population). | ||||
| National hero(es) | Tony Montana, Oscar Wilde, and USSR | ||||
| Established | In 821 A.D. from America? Britain? Spain? or France? | ||||
| Currency | Cigars. | ||||
| Religion | Communism | ||||
| Major exports | Cigars, palms, Cuban Pandas, coconuts, Nukes, Cubans, and (Capitalist) prisoners | ||||
| Major imports | terrorist suspects, and American fugitives | ||||
República de Cuba (Spanish for Capitalist State of Cube-heads) was a formerly vivid and well-off capitalist republic turned into a slaved and ransacked communist crap-hole since the 1960s. Till this day the best Cuba has to offer are the vestiges left from its former republican era half a century ago. That includes 1957 Cadillacs, old stories, and whatever nice architecture hasn't already collapsed due to government expropriation and half a century long abandonment. Cuba is also extremely well known for their sweet rolls, which have lately made appearance in Skyrim. While Cuba continues to crumble as an Orwellian dystopia, the control freaks and full of shit communists continue to be solely dedicated on prohibiting all that is not dictated, beating the shit out of anyone who dares say anything about it, and on selling Canadian maple-suckers Che t-shirts so that they can endorse the inflated psychopath, but from Canada (aka state 51). The regime is also very dedicated on painting itself a light shade of grey while blaming capitalism for all the evils of the world. Nonetheless, this very regime charges Cubans, who can only work for the state, in foreign capitalist currency despite paying them in Cuban pesos (aka play money, souvenir, and toilet paper).
History[edit]
Cuba was originally created by the Greek god Thioloto, son of other Greek god Thor, in the year 1735. Thioloto was fed up with Greece and the total lack of Spanish culture, so left and created Cuba, along with sailing and cigars.
During the 1100's, Cuba was homeland to the Avengers. A team so great, that only Zool, master of the gremlins could stand a chance in defeating them (he didn't though). During this time, Cuba nurtured the Avengers and raised them as normans. The Cuban government, then banished the Avengers to Atlanta in the late 1600's, where they began their mission to fight crime.
After the banishment of the Avengers, the Cuban government realised that they now needed a new focus. They began mass production of natural tampons, made of the hair off the backs of wookis. This put the Cuban economy into one of its biggest 'boom' periods, until the wookis got upset. This stopped the production of these natural tampons and in contrast, landed the economy in the largest recession the world had ever seen. The Cubans have never recovered.
The Isle was discovered by Christopher "No prisoners" Columbus in 1942. It is shaped like the profile of a vacuum cleaner, which of course could not be noted then. When Columbus first saw those lands, it looked like a sh**hole for him, so he named it "Cuba" which is medieval Portuguese for "feces bucket". The word "cubicle" is also derived from the same word.
The Spaniards relieved themselves on the isle for 385 years, plus or minus the time difference. Since no one in Castilla, Leon, Navarre or Aragon wanted to move to Cuba --the greedy Spaniards could think only of the gold and silver mines in Mexico and Peru--, the Spanish Crown had to resort to Africans and Portugueses to settle the isle, which is the reason why the isle was settled by a lot of people from Galicia instead of Spaniards. Cuba would never become independent from Spain if it wasn't for the American-Spanish War in 1898. After failing as an independent country, Cuba applied for its admission in the united federation of planets, but all they got was to become part of the State of Florida.
Dettached from the State of Florida by the communist revolutionary Castro in the late 1950's--yes, that's how it goes--Cuba was originally intended as a storage facility for Cubans as well as Puerto Rico's nuclear waste, the by-product of it's horribly botched attempts at creating an army of chupacabras. Over the next few years, the country was ruled peacefully and smoothly by Castro, with no resistance or conflict whatsoever. There have been absolutely no problems with trade, government, political relationships, hostile tyranny, or any other such nonsensical things. Any thought of these things will result in immediate death.
In the early 70's, Communism took full hold, enveloping the island nation in a red cloud of evil, evil naughty thoughts dust. Those crazy commies believed that people could be essentially good (an idea which was disproven by Stephen Hawking) and the tangible force of communism changed the face of Cuba like a giant rolling pin. It used to be just one giant volcano island which Satan used as an evil lair, but soon Castro began using it to produce Cubans as a source of labor to produce diet pills. As the diet pill industry grew, the island lost weight until it was diminished to the size it is today. Scientists believe that by this time next year, Cuba will actually occupy negative space, creating a paradox that will end all human existence.
Communism in Cuba[edit]
Cuba is well known for its government's ability to unleash pain and destruction upon themselves. Their government falls under the 'Communist' category, and has gained their own version, being called Captain Happy Pants. It is a simple government, but its rules may be hard to get used to, and many people have confused it, not surprisingly, with a Satanist cult. They are as follows:
- Personal Developement
This rule bans any personal developement. All citizens of Cuba are accepted and remain at the social status of 'hobo'. Interestingly, some people have noticed that the people who have better positions are more unhappy, and people with worse positions in society are less so, but there are really only two statuses in Cuban Communism: Government, and hobo.
- Government Superiority
This rule separates the weak from the much, much, weaker. A Government worker, which can be compared with the Pope (only he uses his power for undeniable fun), has two things which are considered very important: A life, and fifty bucks. The weaker option, the hobo, has neither of these things, and are therefore devoid of everything.
- Tyrant Superiority
The head of the Government (which can be compared with God+Jesus+Holy+Spirit+bible+large amounts of money) has one more thing which cannot be obtained by either hobos or Government workers: whatever-tangible or intangible-the hell he wants. This means cuba has roughly one square metre of land which is allowed to be inhabited by inhabitants, and the remaining five square metres (there are also another few hundred kilometres, but those are taken up by the Tyrant's house) are covered with slaves and stuff the slaves are there to bring to the Tyrant's house.Translation: THIS SUCKS!
Geography[edit]
Please note that there was a brief stint in 1959 where the rubix cube was the entire Cuban flag. Simply a rubin's cube with a cigar leaf wrapped around it, hanging from poles and over tall cubans. This was done until a Scathing letter with large words such as "infringment" was written to the señor president. Please note that the Cuba flag is not the Puerto Rican flag!
Cuba is the only country in the world that is a perfect cube, 'Cuba' is actually the cubist word for 'cube'. Unlike the Scandanavian Island, which is often known to partake in philosophical debates. Because the terrain is perfectly flat, Cuba remains the only country in the world where the Glorious Spherical Cow can be reared. It's meat is known as 'el deliciosisimo' and has been known to cause super powers.
Cuba is 90 miles away from any point in the continental United States, thus the reason for why the Cuban Missile Crisis was such a crisis. Due to its short distance from the States, Cuba is the easiest Communist country to escape to America from. Because of this, Cuba has a highly vigorous black-market boat-building economy, which is highly ingenous in using things which aren't meant to float as parts for boats. Due to the level of Cuba boat craftsmanship, there is a policy in US emmigration that any boat-builder who can make a boat and sail it to the US is free to become a US citizen. Thousands of Cuban boat-builders have used this loophole to become US citizens, and now they dominate the Florida boat-building industry. It's not hard to see from florida, with some binoculars you can see missile silos and nuke subs facing you. Don't worry America, they say they wont fire...
Nuclear Bombs[edit]
If you attack (our) Cuba (you) will be hit with 16 warheads, and after (we) will send a giant version of Gloria Estefan To Destroy (your) pitiful Country. ¡Muerte a America! Yankees go home! Get whitey! USA die! No mo' Gringos!
Direct Translation:
Please do not attack our homeland, for we will be too afraid to do anything about it, and will be forced to run away and take cover in one of the many potholes on our mountainous streets. As well as kill cats and horses for food. ¡Prosperidad para America! We are desperate for tourists! We are starving! USA is really our only hope! Damn blockade! Gringos!
Cuba and the Internet[edit]
Many Cubans have become aware of the Interwebs over the last couple of decades. One of the first website that was made available was 4chan. Often Cubans would visit /s/ to check out American women. It was a trend and a habit to hop on /s/ fap and get the fuck out. It wasn't until one day Castro decided to visit /b/. Castro was made aware that the internet wasn't a safe place anymore. The first thing he saw on /b/ was CP. Castro called in a firing squad and procecced to kill his Mac. He then listened to his Ipod and cried to the song "Everything is gonna be alright" convincing himself people weren't actually like that.
People[edit]
Cuba is inhabited by Cubans. If you are white, you are probably not a Cuban. If you are black, you are probably not a Cuban. If you are brown, you are probably not a Cuban. If you are rojo, you are probably a Cuban. Really, no one knows. Females are highly regarded for their junk-in-the-trunk, which, like the 1970's Volkswagen beetle, is in the front. Males are just around to play baseball and sip espresso. Cubans are broken up into two groups: Western Cubans (from Havana) and Eastern Cubans (from Oriente). They are easily distinguishable by the color beans they eat as well as the type of prostitutes they export. The West cooks with black beans and exports the loud, obnoxious, slightly fast paced prostitute (usually exported to Miami and California), while the East cooks with red beans and exports the slightly less obnoxious, less physically appealing version (exported to Germany and Texas.) Other differences also include what word is used for the faucet, and eye length.
Famous Cubans[edit]
Cuba's most prominent citizen, Robert Downey Jr., won an Oscar for his role as Tom Cruise's lover in the blockbuster sci-fi animated porn movie "Tom, Jerry and Lizzie Maguire". Monica Lewinsky was made an honorary Cuban after undergoing secret initiation ceremonies by Bill Clinton in the Oval Office in the mid 1990s.
Ernő Rubik is the most famous social scientist in the history of the country. His singular crowd control device is displayed proudly on the flag of the country. Known as the Rubik's Cube, it is famed for its inate ability to redirect dangerous intellectuals into pursuing solutions to neverending and simplistic puzzles. The same twisting technique used on the Rubik's Cube is applied to the handling of inmate gonads at Cuba's prisons. Other inventions often attributed to Rubik include Go, lust, and cooking.
Dezi Arnez and his twin brother, Ricky Ricardo were famous Cubans, until the 1961 Bay of Pigs icident, in which the twin brothers used their connections with the CIA to air-drop armed pigs and warthogs into Cuba in an attempt to overthrow the Castro government. However, the move was a resounding failure for the CIA, and a great bonus for the Cuban people, as the invading pigs were soon slaughtered and used to feed the Cuban people. In Cuba, the term "when pigs fly" means someone just got a whole bunch of food dropped on them, and they want to have a party. In retribution for the Bay of Pigs invasion, Castro called up John F. Kennedy and had "I Love Lucy" cancelled.
As a people, common Cubans are known for having the most up-to-date cars (of the Eisenhower Era). Examples abound, such as the 1956 Packard, the 1957 Studebaker, and the 1959 Edsel.
Economy[edit]
A textbook example of free-market economy, Cuba has the world's lowest levels of fun and excitement. Remarkably, there are a lot of homelessness and unemployment in Cuba, thanks to the strong invisible hand of the free market as postulated by economist Leit Kynes. With the support of George W. Bush, Cuba has led the way in many Capitalist initiatives.
The popular Cuban comedian/satirist, Latoya Jackson, saved thousands of bums in Cuba by telling them all to "show me the money".
Cuba's greatest export, the political refugee, also helps the Cuba boat-building economy in Cuba. Cuban boat-builders are the most ingenious boat-builders in the world, creating boats out of things that should not float, like concrete and old 1950's vehicles, as well as recycled roofing and plastic milk jugs.
Cuban militants are also trying to increase their wealth by selling "hardly used" military equipment to scandinavia. So far militants have only lost a fortune, because of the extremely high travel costs of the guys they have sent to claim delayed payments. scandinavian costumers have also complained about poor quality of the equipment they have received and number of costumers has dropped sharply recently. This may also be because of the delayed payment claiming methods of which only a few have survived.
Language[edit]
The most popular language in Cuba is Cubist. First created by Picasso in 1930, Cubist became the official language of Cuba in 1934. Until that time Cuba had no official language, making everyday conversation impossible. Cubans relied on semaphore, smoke signals, and complex foot and hand gestures. It was also considered acceptable to attack random people in the streets while dressed as Al Gore until somebody would give you what you needed (money). Thanks to the invention of Cubist, people were now able to communicate by simply stabbing each other with shivs.
20 years later, in 1437, Cubism officially replaced Cubist as the nation's officially official language. Cubism is currently studied and appreciated in thirty-six states as well as fourteen European Countries. Including Japan.
Guantanamo Bay World[edit]
The land constituting Guantanamo Bay was originally purchased to expand the Orlando, Florida based Theme park business. The commonly undertood business plan was to create a place more exciting than space by using cybernetics and virtual reality. The aim of this was to detract from the hubbub surrounding the Apollo Space Program, and steal all demand for advertising air time. Unfortunately, Camelot theme park of England, UK posed a great threat to the project and with its olde world attractions, and 'authentic' jousting it crushed any opposition. The project was a huge failure losing money at a rate of lots.p.a. However the United States Department of Defence decided to purchase the lemon in 2078 and then transport it back in time via technology originally produced in Area 51 by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The United States then converted the Theme Park into a US Naval Base (This involved changing the sign and adding live ammunition to the attractions).
See also[edit]
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