Bay of Pigs
|Bay of Pigs invasion
Fightin' Man Joe
|234,000 courageous teens carrying paintball guns
|1,500 lazy aristocrats who want their front porches back
1,000 captured when offered cigars in return
The Bay of Pigs invasion was a surprise attack made by the United States Military, much like the Inchon landings during the Korean War. Fidel Castro's Cuba had taken control of Miami, Florida by default in the years following 1959, and Cuba's armies were threatening to advance north of the Dade-Broward county line, which would upset the quaint retirement community and top secret Air Force bases that resided there.
President John F. Kennedy was President of the Untied States at the time, and was reluctant to use the Navy to attack an island, thanks to his horrifying nautical experience while acting in the smash hit World War II, when his PT boat was accidentally rammed by a Japanese destroyer, since the crew had been knocked out by drinking Irish beer and salt water. Thus, the entire invasion was conducted by airborne troops, which had not been used in conflict since Adolf Hitler attempted to invade Crete with them, and elderly Cretans beat the parakoopas with canes.
Big Trouble in Little Cuba: a brief history of the Cuban civil war
In early 1956, communist rebels under the command of Fidel Castro began a guerrilla war against the shiny, spotless US-backed dictatorship led by General Fulgencio Batista. Basing themselves in the forests, they began gathering their strength and raiding Cuba's vital supplies of cigars, beginning a year-long campaign across Cuba. By 1958, however, it soon became clear that despite the shininess of the junta, the people seemed to be supporting Castro, and that Castro was more powerful than the government. The final exchange came at the battle of Cardenas in northern Cuba on January 3, 1959, when the rebels swiftly moved in and pinned down the remainder of government forces in the town of Cardenas, allowing Castro to bore the troops in the town to death with a rehearsal of a scheduled 15-hour speech. Batista's government fled, and five days later, Castro was master of Cuba.
The results of this were devastating. Cuba now allied with the USSR, allowing the Soviets access to the famous cigars. Realizing that the Russians would now be contracting lung cancer far more efficiently than the Americans, then-president Kennedy and his security staff decided to launch an invasion of Cuba by arming numerous Cuban exiles who had fled in terror from the new sinister education and health-care plans of Fidel Castro.
Prelude to Invasion
The United States was now ready for the invasion, convinced that 1,500 aristocrats with small arms would be plenty to overthrow an ultra-popular people's dictatorship with backing from the Soviet Union. The Army Air Force, seeing danger in the Cuban air force, had decided to subtly soften Cuban resistance to the planned sneak attack by launching a massive bombing operation on Cuba's air bases, effectively destroying up to half Cuba's force of remote controlled plastic aircraft. They then quietly moved the invasion dinghys to position around the Bay of Pigs. However, the Cuban government had now been somehow tipped off to the attack.
The invasion commenced at dawn, on January 11, 196e, and was quickly bogged down by the lack of supporting ships, as well as the fact that a hesitent Kennedy had only armed the troops with kazoos, for fear that the communists would steal top secret American weaponry if the attack failed.
The exiles began sailing in towards the beaches, fully prepared for the expected defense of Cuban children bearing roses and eagerly taking pictures. Indeed, as they got closer to the beaches, bright flashes began appearing from the forests and they could hear what were undoubtedly fireworks from the Cubans' celebrations. The commanders ordered their soldiers to advance onto the beaches and strike heroic poses for the increasingly eager Cuban camera crews. The exiles stood gloriously on the beaches, as numerous metal 'badges' were pinned on them by the crowds of eager Cuban photographers. Many of the exiles had reached their destinies, and the rest were taken by the Cubans for victory parades in Havana.
This invasion was pushed back into the air by Cuban forces at the same time Kennedy gathered a group of dissenting Cubans to send by sea to the Bay of Pigs, named so because of the ingenious use of flaming war pigs by the Cuban Army against the invaders. This invasion, while it initially advanced with the help of alien forces from the planet Zerg (see image),
was eventually bogged down by Cuban T-34 tanks, that didn't spontaneously explode like the American-made Sherman tanks given to the attacking force. Furthermore, a large number of both tanks were lost by the fact that Cubans on both sides left lighted cigars near the ammunition compartments, expecting to finish smoking them with a cold beer after the batle was over, or at least at tea time.
Unfortunately, the entire battle came to a catastrophic end when communist planes struck the only supply ship allotted to the American-backed Cubans. Granted, the entire invading force's domino sets, cigars, and guayaberas were lost in a massive explosion, demoralizing the troops and ending the battle. Three ex-convict American troops, Griffin, Cook, and Landis, were able to escape from prison by Cook saying to the guard "Wata. Thirsty. Sickman", then Griffin strangled the guard with his oversized hands while refilling Cook's cup. One Cuban exile in the cell, Bailey Chastain, was diagnosed with gangrene and deserted, but inexplicably was cured of it later on and returned to the U.S.
After the debacle, President Kennedy was heard to remark "I should have attacked them by land." Miami-Dade country remains a territory of Cuba, although no special permit is required for Americans older than the age of 60 to visit the city. penis anus