United Arab Emirates
دولة الامارات البترولية المتحدة United Shawarma Emirates Yalla Habibi | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| |||||
| Motto: Oil Makes the Heart Grow Lazy | |||||
| Anthem: "Throw the money Down the Well" | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Bombay | ||||
| Previous capital | Abu Dhabi - closed down after the last Arab left the city for London | ||||
| Largest city | "New" New Delhi | ||||
| Official language(s) | Malbari, Urdu, Russian | ||||
| Government | Money first, questions later | ||||
| Currency | Oil | ||||
| Religion | Islam, Christianity, Hindu - 10% Money - 90% | ||||
| Area | ≈ 6 inches | ||||
| Major exports | Camel, Camel Milk, Shawarma, Oil | ||||
| Major imports | Baby Oil, White Women | ||||
The United Arab Emirates (juːˌnaɪtᵻd ˌærəb ˈɛmɪrᵻts/; Arabic: دولة الإمارات العربية المتحدة Dawlat al-Imārāt al-'Arabīyah al-Muttaḥidah) is a covenant of seven samurais formed by the leadership of Master Chief to bring down Darth Vader and the Empire. While the government describes it as a federation of seven emirates - Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Sharjah, Ras Al Khaimah, Fujeirah, Umm Al Quain and Ajman - only the first two exist while the rest were buried under in the 1978 sandstorm. Its economy is based on luring semi naked white tourists and tricking English and German businessmen into buying lands of sand and real estate built by South East Asian slaves, a common business in the Middle East.
The Emirati Dream[edit]
"Part" of the Emirati dream:
- We have a dream.
- We have a dream of a nation that one day will rise up and be our happiest place on Earth.
- We have a dream of creating man-made ginormous endless stretch of land that will stretch into the ocean and create a new coast line for us.
- We dream of having a land where all people—brown, and black, and white, and yellow — well, maybe not black — would be forbidden from ever entering unless they had cash to bestow upon our bank account.
- Five years later, life has given us a bad check, a check that has come returned “insufficient funds”.
- But we refuse to believe that Bill Gates is bankrupt.
- We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of oppression of this world. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give me upon demand the riches of Benjamin Franklin and the pleasure of the 100 dollar bill since our currency is pegged to the US stinking Dollar.
- This is what we dream of having!
- Let the people of Britain freely sing out our name in fear!
- Let the people of America freely sing out our name in awe!
- Let the people of the world, in Japan, France, and China freely tremble before us!
- Let world dominance ring!
- This is what we dream of having today! When we let MONEY reign, when it reigns over every village and every hamlet, every emirate and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s slaves—black man and white man, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, humans and non-Arabs, will be able to join hands and sing, “Throw the money down the well, Throw the money down the well" because we will have too much cash in the ass!.
History[edit]
History is not taught in the schools of the Emirates. A billion years ago, the area was a desert. Today, the area is still a desert. It is the best place in the world to harvest sand. The silicon in sand can make computer chips, and the rest can be turned into bricks, with which to build skyscrapers like the one pictured here. They are solid and durable, unless it should rain.
Currently, the people of the UAE have too much cash in the ass and are always bored so they often turn them into soup. When some are bored they come up with very brilliant ideas such as making a 2000m buildings or making islands on water in the shape of a palm tree and world islands. The island booking has attracted people across the world and is now filled with the long que of the beggars from Hollywood including David Beckham. The Emirati people also have a very great challenge to other countries, when they see that some one with a higher building than them they go like "No problem, take 3 billion and build a nice 5000m building in 2 days, get slaves from Malu land". The UAE is also notable that they give away money to the poor and building schools and hospitals all over the poor countries to show how money-free giving they really are.
The UAE is notable in the fact although it is a fantastic country to drive in, with cheap petrol and cheap cars, although it is the hardest country in the world to get a driving license. 4 million lessons must be completed and you are required to fail at least 1 million times, the only person who has managed to pass did so in 1981. Not to mention the very sweet traffic were 5000 cars are required to pass through one lane and the risk of having your car detained for at least 30 days for passing a red light.
Basic Information[edit]
Geography[edit]
If you see dick-shaped region in west Asia, that's the UAE. It is located beneath the world's largest golf course known as Qatar and above the Shell drilling station of Saudi Arabia. This "piece of land" is barely spotted on the map, however, recent achievements like the "middle finger" Burj built by overpaid workers have transformed it into a "country" according to UAE experts. Dubai is known for being better than you in everything and anything they do. Period. Citizens of the UAE are most proud of the fact that unlike other nations surrounding them, the UAE has a relatively spotless human rights record. This is because human rights investigators reporting in the country tend to like the country so much, they never come back.
Climate[edit]
One word, "Hell" is a description meteorologists and weather forecasters use to accurately describe UAE's climate. Climate in the UAE is comparatively HIGH. Although generally hot and dry, there are four seasons exist - super summer, brutal summer, terabyte summer, and nuclear summer. The average temperature is 60°C, but it vastly changes. The lowest temprature easily goes below 0°C in the night. The highest temperature is still lower than 100°C, makes this desert country a favorite location to visit during the winter time. Importantly, UAE's tourism sector has urged the public along with foreign people that UAE is the perfect place for you to "Barbecue... not your food, but yourselves" and thus "only suitable for those coal colored ones".
People[edit]
The people are divided into two types, slaves and tourists. The former are poor villagers from India who are tricked into thinking that the UAE is a land of prosperity where they can afford an entire apple (instead of just the pit). Instead they are forced to work in sun blistering heat and are forced to street-sweep, clean public toilets, mine, drill oil, and work as prostitutes. Their average salary ranges from $2 - $20 a day depending on the profession. Most end up taking a shit in the street or live on sharing houses with 20 others. Workers are definitely welcome, sometimes receiving complimentary peanuts on the plane ride there. The latter, tourists, are the rich privileged people who ocaissonally are seen having public sex on the beach. Most of them think living in tall buildings or playing in sand are gorgeous. Some of them are also from the infidel countries, where they live in cold places. 50% of them are colored white, but there's also black, yellow, jews and browns who pretend they fall into the white category. 40% of them are colored yellow, possibly because they eat too many oranges. The last 10% are obviously Persians, who hates the UAE the most but still they love the shopping malls too much, especially since they can now buy deodorant and perfume since it is also probably banned by the mullahs in their homeland.
Language[edit]
More people = more languages. Abu Dhabi City Council warns that tourists need to master at least five languages - Hindi, Urdu, Chinese, Fillipino and 1337 - if they want to play in gay night clubs. This is because nightlife in the UAE is mainly settled by gangsters from third world countries, if you have a problem with that wallah come to JBR I'll jump you. Because normal Muslims sleep early, city will be owned by gangs and mafias formed by the Sicilian smoke shop sexshop pit stop. Since the labour have origins mostly from India, China, Philippines and YouTube, you required to learn languages of those countries. Otherwise, you might lose precious prostitutes. Or get murdered by gangsters.
Other languages you required to learn includes Australian. This is simply because Australians can understand no English nor Arabic, they will try to talk to you with native Australian language (mostly Voodoos, Mormons, Aboriginese and Strine language). If you don't want to mess with Australian road sweepers or taxi drivers who scream Strines to death, keep up in mind the above
Media[edit]
TV[edit]
The most watched TV channel in the UAE is MTV Arabic. This is due to people's habit to check the time of praying five times a day. One thing is MTV newscasters always start praying even he/she is in front of the TV cameras so that people can notice everytime. Another reason is that when theres no news to announce, MTV starts broadcasting MTV (Music Television). The most intricate point is that MTV also have branch office inside the UAE, hence you can watch MTV in UAE too. This means in the UAE, you can watch two different types of MTVs, however both of them plays almost same contents and only thing differ is that MTV plays MTV but also it let you notice the time of praying, while MTV doesn't.
Internet[edit]
Internet is blocked in the UAE. Why? Because although you have paid $150 for 30mb internet download speed you nevertheless, only receive 0.1mb of that. Upload speed? HaHaHa, don't even ask. Most people using the internet in UAE experience lag syndrome, a syndrome that causes your daily life activities to lag, this is due to overwhelming amounts of LAG. Not to mention Skype,Teamspeak and any other VoIP service are blocked in the UAE. WHY? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS, MAYBE BECAUSE THEY ARE ASSHOLES AND WANT YOU TO USE THEIR SERVICE?. Internet is for porn, but not in the UAE. Censorship in UAE is ridiculous. Sites that include Geography, Jaws, your views and other ...nothing more, however are blocked. Oh, and the ping is OVER 9000!!!....seriously.
Politics[edit]
The UAE is officially called The Tyrannical Absolute Monarchy of The United Arab Emirates Cruelly Oppressing The People, but in reality it is a democratic state whose citizens have extensive personal freedom. The official title is used by state authorities to scare the crap out of foreigners who are thinking of moving into this vastly overpopulated desert region.
Government[edit]
Honestly, government has not much things to do in this peaceful desert country. At least their job is rescueing orphan kittens from dirty kitten-huffers on every weekend. This, however, is not an easy job, since kitten-saver license is required to participate in this job. Taking this license is indespensable for all politicians in the UAE. Not to mention that number of politicians in UAE is four - a sovereign, a commander in chief, a bodyguard and an official prostitute (be replaced monthly). Government motto is in Someone's will.
Foreign Relations[edit]
The UAE's least enemies are Iran and Israel. This is because both country have produced nukes earlier than the UAE, although the UAE claimed thier right to have nuclear bomb on much earlier time. Government of the UAE takes a strong measures against both countries by economical sanctions, oil embargo, banning Jewish prostitutes etc.
In 1955 government secretly formed a five-years plan of oil embargo against Israel. The first and the second embargoes were executed in 1976 and 2006 respectively. UAE is planning the next oil embargoes in 2012, 2022, and 2142. For these sanctions, Israeli government has been begging for relaxation. As peace terms the UAE government claimed for granting 50 Israeli top models and 100 Jewish prostitutes. Israeli government swallowed these terms, however, since the UAE government doesn't confirm Israel top models as "model", tension between both countries is still strained.
The UAE was once listed on George W. Bush's Axis of Evil, before he belatedly realized that the name was "emirates", a rather boring name compared to "enemies" and therefore unworthy of inclusion.
The UAE has since been basically ignored, as the Bush administration concentrates on dealing with the menace of Iran's nyucular programme by bombing its capital Baghdad back into the stone age. Wait a minute... that can't be right... was it Iran or Iraq that was building the reactors, ah who cares, too late now, thousands are already dead. Death to Iraq or Iran or whomever the heck it was... and Gosh bless Amerika.
Army[edit]
This is what the UAE Commander-in-Chief Mubarack Hussein Osama often states on radio address when he get bored:
"People often underestimate the military of the UAE. Despite what media say, the UAE has the best equipment on every segments of every factions. People are too careless that they never expect our newest FAV (Fast Attacking Vehicle) which can fuck off old-school American humvees. As a matter of course, half of US army equipments (including F-35 and M1A2 Abrams) are too out-dated for us. On the other hand, half of so-called military officials don't know that most of the UAE sands keep our underground nuclear facility stealthed. However, because the UAE people aren't same with normal Iraqis and Syrians (we have planted artificial sub-cerebrum inside our towel-heads) dumb Americans never expect our latest technology to fuck up the entire globe in seconds.
We initiate you that the latest UAE weapon GEENIE (Grue-Eating Electronical-Nuclear-Inplanted Enforcers) has twice as big as Israeli Merkava, and it is thirty times as radiational as Iranian SCUDs, and last but never least, it is one hundred and thirty two times as stealth as American B-2 bomber. Oops, sorry but it is still a top secret material for you damn-ass bitches."
Economy[edit]
Flying american airlines and/or canadian airliners into strategic targets such as K-mart and your deadbeat dads house. Also including the world trade centers, CN tower and George Bushes house in Texas
The economic infrastructure of the UAE is naturally enough the sand. While demand of petroleum is still floudering because of skyrocketing price, European and American corporations have opened up a newly sand business inside the UAE in 2005. Theres no need to mention that sand is one of the most addictive cuisine in the UAE. On the other hand, sand is also useful to feed camels and donkeys, which hold 80% of transportation in the UAE. In addition, camel is also one of the UAE's burgeoning businesses. Because the 2009 camel riding boom is not likely to subside, American multinational corporations are seeking to advance the Arabic camels into American auto markets. This plan is estimated to provide huge benefits for both UAE and USA, and for both producers and customers. Needless to say that it is also eco-friendly because camel poops can be turned into soup. Coincidentally, sand is one of the best spices fitting with camel-poop soup. This business will become world-wide sooner or later. Some Arabic C.E.O. said that he builds one 1000m tower each time he get paid.
In 2009, UAE's GDP stood at US$999 trillion. The GDP per capita is currently the 1st in the world and 3rd in the Middle East, after UAE-USA collaboration and UAE-China collaboration. UAE's economy, particularly that of Dubai, was miraculously made rapid progress by the financial crisis of 2007–2010. In 2009, the country's economy grew by 400 percent. The reason of this phenomenon is expected as God's blessing, since 80% of Muslims in UAE pray six times a day, instead of normal five times. Moreover, not to mention, UAE's Internal State of Affairs (ISA) states that "UAE's economy flourishes on exports & imports of enslaved people from the Maluo islands who are bankrupt and thus taken advantage of and treated like how you treat your shoes." Fortunately, UAE's governments have drawn-up new rules to encourage such actions and will make sure these rules are adhered to, otherwise jail sentences will be applied with courts' ethical judgments accordingly.
Transportation[edit]
The UAE has been spending 0 dollars on infrastructure. This is due to the 2009 Camel Riding Boom, which was too popular among tourists, led UAE government to promote the Camel Taxi Corporation. Camel Taxi Corp. is a traditional and the biggest Arabian taxi company, opened service in AD 243. They had transported many famous people and celebrities, including Adolf Hitler, The Beatles and Saddam Hussein.
The US$2,000 Dubai Camel Metro project includes a 52-kilometre Al-Qamel Boulevard, which is passable only by Camels and Donkeys, was opened in September 2009 after Camel Riding Olympics. After fully completion of the Al-Qamel Boulevard, the UAE government is planning to construct the US$1,300 Camelia Highway which connects Abu Dhabi and Sharjah. The Camelia Highway when fully complete will estimated to shorten the time to take from the North UAE to the South UAE, from 148 hours to 142 hours. The advanced nano technology, implantable marijuana is in development to make additional power for camels. Furthermore, country officials have started to think of "modernizing" UAE's transportation by switching camels with brand new technological inventions or vehicles called "cars", exported from India, Bombay (Mumbai) or as famously dubbed ("The land of the Malouus").
Culture[edit]
The most pimped up culture in this sandy state is nothing but a building. Because the sandy places are too hot to walk by foot in the middle of summer (average tempratures of sand rises above 1004C), from the old times people have learned the way to live in the higher areas, such as trees. However it is only natural that trees cannot be grown in the sandy places, so people started to work for constructing skyscrapers from very early times on human history.
The first skyscraper built in the UAE is Tower of Babel in BC 643. It was an apartment house which can hold up to 900 families. It was designed by the great Jewish monk Shalon da Don, who later worked for constructing Pyramids in Giza strip.
Since then, over than 6,634 skyscrapers have been built. The highest skyscraper is 828km tall Burj-Al-Maleeq-Al-Shaheed-Bin-Laden-Al-Hussein, which also holds a record of the longest skyscraper name. It is however, expected to be lost against the newest project Burj-Al-Nuh-Qlear, the longest nuclear missile silo in the world.
| |||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||