Taiwan

Republic of TIE w-a-a-n No, NOT Thailand, TAIWAN! Taiwan
Flag Coat of Arms
Capital	Taipei
Largest city	Taipei
Official language(s)	Hakka
Government	Don't even ask!
President	Tsai Ing-wen
National hero(es)	Bill "Micro" Gates, Michael "Kid" Jackson, Sun Yat-sen
Currency	pretty red and blue pieces of paper
Religion	All the same looneys as everywhere else but in different percentages

Taiwan (Chinese: TIE-w-a-a-n) is an island of 23 million people and 25 million 7-Elevens. It is roughly the same size as Holland and, just like Amsterdam, it's crawling with hookers, if you know where to find them. Other inhabitants include cheeky kids and goofy teenagers. Cheeky kids will spend hours scouring the streets for a Caucasian so that they can say, "Hello". When the foreigner responds with the same greeting the cheeky kid says,"Fuck you!" to the white guy. In contrast the goofy teenagers will just say, "Hello!" to the foreigner and then laugh at their own sophisticated wit until they wet themselves.

Geography

It's in Asia. It's an island. There are mountains and lakes and stuff. What else do you want to know?

Political parties

Taiwan's government has 5000 political parties. Each one is strange in its own special way, but all of them get funding from The Europeans-Living-in-Antarctica-Working-in-Fashion-Jobs-Named-Stein Association.

The larger parties are as follows:

• KMT (Keep Money out of Taiwan) Party: The KMT advocates Taiwan's reannexation into China, with Taiwan taking over as the leaders of China. This was the leading party until most of the members fled abroad with cash-stuffed suitcases.
• DPP (Don't do Political Party): Taiwan's largest party instead advocates Taiwan becoming the 13st province of the Netherlands. This is the current political party that rules Taiwan. It won over the KMT by 3001 votes.
• New Party: This is Taiwan's joke party, as any party that calls itself the "New" party must comprise the world’s largest group of zombies. This basically defines the party. They advocate Taiwan becoming a dependent colony so it can make its own passports rather than smuggling them from China and erasing the "Taiwan" bit with Sharpies.

Taipei 101

A giant phallus offered to gratify and impregnate the sky goddess

Taiwan's capital, Taipei (臺北), is famous for Taipei 101 (臺北101), not a skyscraper but a giant sex toy with a single large, artificial testicle called a Damper Baby. It gratifies the great sky goddess and impregnates her in the hope that she will, in turn cause a smoother ride for the residents of Taiwan when a so-called earthquake occurs. She would then curb the need to drown many of the people of Taiwan that the locals call typhoons. Since no Taiwanese can swim, typhoons are Taiwan's most deadly events, even worse than crappy drivers. Once impregnated by Taipei 101, the sky goddess will hopefully leave the Taiwanese people alone to tend to her child's needs for another eighteen years and nine months.

Language

“They say that cat Shaft is a bad Bopomofo”

~ L. Franca on Taiwan's phonetic alphabet. (But I'm talking about Shaft.) (And we can dig it.)

The official language is giggling. Lispy gay Mandarin is spoken by the local Japanese but only to themselves when out of earshot of any other person. Gargling mouthwash sometimes referred to as "Taiwanese" is used as a lingua franca for shouting across the street by the aboriginal inhabitants, who came over from China last week in a tour group.

Military

Some crowded smelly den of thieves in Taipei, which, for some bizarre reason, everyone in Taiwan thinks should be a major tourist attraction.

China is always talking about "re-unifying" Taiwan, as the literature shows that they were once a single country, though no one alive remembers such a thing. Consequently, Taiwan is heavy into military preparedness.

This comprises three layers of defense. The first line is called "hao ke ai", because this phrase is shouted at a high pitch to stun you, distract you, and render you motionless. For all anyone knows, it might do the same to invading Chinese forces. The second line consists of drivers so vicious they often knock you over before you have left the sidewalk. Also integral to Taiwan’s defense are professors who often engage each other in feet-to-feet combat, with techniques such as the ever-popular “kicking bird style” which involves kicking before a TV camera and spitting at pitches low enough to shatter steel and eardrums.

Many Taiwanese are also trained in the karaoke style of combat, which involves emanating noises terrible enough to repel any enemy.

The Taiwanese infantry uses high-tech food trucks. They patrol the streets from dusk until dawn and have the capability of keeping the air polluted.

Taiwan has had several major clashes with China. Although every one of them was serious, there were three recorded "approaches" by China in its re-unification drive that are worth mentioning:

1949 — The Perfect Two-Year War

This war, as the name implies, lasted for two years. Chinese troops began the invasion at 9’clock in the night, but by dawn, the troops decided to swim back. The next year they vowed that they would bring a real army to the shore.

1953 — The One-Day Stroke

With a built up navy (1 smuggling boat and a pedal), China launched a D-Day-type attack on Taiwan this day. The operation was aborted the very next day, when the Chinese navy reached the coast of Canada.

2009 — The Betel Nut War

One horny Chinese guy with a wad of money mistook Taiwan for Thailand and unsuccessfully tried to get laid. Failing this and almost winding up in prison, he chewed more betel nuts than any human in history in an effort to see pretty girls in skimpy outfits. Diplomatic efforts failed miserably and he introduced the Chinese to permanently red-stained teeth.

International relations

Taiwan doesn't really have any, thanks to China. China's official position, like many schoolyard bullies and prom queens, is: "You can't be friends with me if you are friends with him! and oddly, no one wants to be friends with Taiwan.

In 2023, Honduras became one of the last nations to throw Taiwan under the bus to snuggle up to China — and a big bankroll of development cash to be "invested" in various airports and factories that will never repay the debt, resulting in China taking debtor's possession and converting them to military bases.

Culture

Opponents of Capital Punishment, and people who watch Korean dramas, learn to speak Korean and/or use Korean products are bullying most of the hard-working, upright and righteous Taiwanese folks. Just ask them.