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Henry (born Heinz) Alfred Kissinger (May 27, 1923 – November 29, 2023) is the most notorious bore of 20th-century international politics and the chief proponent of Realpolitik. He developed an approach to diplomacy called Primat der Außenpolitik and an approach to language involving sprinkling pretentious foreign words everywhere. His unintelligible advice baffled both Richard Nixon and thus certainly Gerald Ford, the two U.S. Presidents under whom he served between 1969 and 1977. His call for détente in U.S.–Soviet relations sent leaders of both nations to the dictionary, hoping it meant something dirty. His diplomacy played a crucial role in 1971 talks with Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai that concluded with a rapprochement between Kissinger and a lot of hot Chinese chicks. In the crowning achievement of his career, he was awarded the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize for talking Nixon out of his last-ditch plan to win the Vietnam War by carpet-bombing Stockholm. (more...)
Previously featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer. (more...)
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| Did you know...
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*... that hitting the refresh button does not bring you a relaxing beverage when you are signed in?
- ... however, it will bring you a new clutch of Did You Know entries,
- ... thus suggesting you might be a masochist?
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| Word of the Day
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[[
erectile discharge]]
Try to use it in conversation.
Knowledge is power.
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| In the news
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| On this day...
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June 26: St. Masturbus Day
- 1 million BCE - Cthulhu invents Christmas, when bored.
- 1856 BCE - Black people start writing.
- 1855 BCE - Brown people begin developing a complex society.
- 1854 BCE - Yellow people begin the study of astronomy.
- 1853 BCE - White people start painting their arses blue.
- 1087 - St. Clittorus gets really pissed because she was promised to have this day named after herself but totally got screwed over.
- 1123 - Pope Callistus II declares the sainthood of St. Dildo.
- 1284 - The Pied Piper lures 130 children of Hamelin away. Piping hot pies are soon outlawed.
- 1718 - The Tsar's son suspiciously turns up dead after he is sentenced to death.
- 1721 - Cthulhu invents Boxing Day for his loyal swarming masses of nightgaunts.
- 1895 - After an attack on the wooden bridges of the Canadian National Railway by beavers, repair crews work haphazardly and accidentally invent the roller coaster.
- 1928 - A cyclone hits Coney Island and completely twists its roller coaster out of shape. No-one notices for 27 years.
- 1963 - John F. Kennedy gives his famous 'Ich bin ein Selbstgeschlechter' speech.
- 1981 - Tom Cruise brings to life a Giant Tampax that the science world predicts would kill him exactly 24 years later.
- 2005 - Tom Cruise is killed by a regular Tampax in an ironical twist of fate.
- 2005 - Richard Whiteley dies after finally unscrambling the conundrum PIANOMENU.
- 2024 - The 'this is today' gag is used for the first time in history.
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| Today's featured picture
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The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.
Photo credit: Mosquitopsu
Archive - Nominate new image
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| Writer and Noob of the Month
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
Now you only have 4, yes 4 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!
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