| Today's featured article
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Today's featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.
Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.
When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. (more...)
Previously featured article – John Mahama
John Dramani Mahama (born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too. They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency. (more...)
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| Did you know...
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*... that without lists, we feel listless?
- ... if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
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| Word of the Day
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[[
frustration]]
Try to use it in conversation.
Knowledge is power.
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| In the news
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| On this day...
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June 6: Cat Polishing Day
- 6666 BCE - Happy Birthday, Satan!
- 6665 BCE - Happy Birthday, Santa!
- 6 CE - Computer geeks begin to worry about the transition to two-digit years, doomsayers proclaim the end times and the birth of Anti-Jesus.
- 1670 - The fourth dimension is discovered in Detroit.
- 1671 - The scientist who discovered the fourth dimension dies inside it.
- 1689 - The Bastille is stormed but the mob are told they're 100 years and a month too early.
- 1690 - The person who wrote the above entry rebuilds it.
- 1900 - Centennial celebration of dinner time.
- 1946 - George W. Bush hits the US (with a big fucking stick).
- 1966 - Overpolishing of cats results in the creation of the Sphynx breed.
- 1987 - The physical embodiment of the god of whores is born in a small general hospital in London to a family with too many cats.
- 1998 - Satan builds the Flux capacitor, but nobody seems to care.
- 1999 - The Millennium Dome sneaks off to the Bell and Dragon in Bath for a pint.
- 2001 - John The Baptist meets Jesus in the local Blue Peter Bring & Buy sale. He opts to buy the cross Jesus is carrying, but turns it down in favour of a My Little Pony annual.
- 2006 - The day of Satan, and my ex-wife's birthday! Coincidence?
- 2008 - Satan decides to put off Armageddon to celebrate his birthday with his cats.
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| Today's featured picture
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The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.
Photo credit: Mosquitopsu
Archive - Nominate new image
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| Writer and Noob of the Month
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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