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Today's featured article

Today's featured article – DEFCON


DEFCON is American military slang. It stands for DEFense CONdition. In contrast to the volumes of acronyms the military uses, DEFCON is a combination of syllables. This is because "DC" would be interpreted as a reference to the U.S. capital district and in any case is hard to pronounce. DEFCON is not to be confused with teflon, which is a non-stick cooking surface that coats certain U.S. Presidents.

DEFCON is maintained by the American Armageddon Administration, one of the U.S. armed services. DEFCON is always followed by a number, as are Toy Story movies and World Wars. The number describes how close the U.S. is to a situation that would call for converting Planet Earth into a smoldering mass of radioactive lava.

Movies and world wars are never followed by 1, as it is briefly uncertain that there will be a sequel. However, DEFCON can be followed by a 1. DEFCON 1 means the world is ending, now. DEFCON 1 is never communicated to the populace, as the first order of business is to end the world. However, if one became aware that we were at DEFCON 1, the proper response is the one schoolchildren were taught in the 1950s: Take a seat beneath your desk, put your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye.

Lower DEFCON values mean the situation is less dire. DEFCON 5 means "all is well" and that there is no need to panic, except about events that would cause it to fall below 5 and then quickly spiral out of control. DEFCON 0 is not an ironic value "above the maximum", like double-secret probation or an amplifier where the volume can be cranked up to 11. DEFCON 0 means the military has taken DEFCON off-line for monthly maintenance. Except for this, lower DEFCON numbers instruct the American people to feel worse and worse. (more...)

Previously featured article – UnNews:Uncyclopedia defends inept comedy at Supreme Court

Panorama of United States Supreme Court Building at Dusk.jpg

The case is Novak v. City of Parma, in which plaintiff Anthony Novak (not the famous one) wrote a Facebook page ridiculing the police in Parma, Ohio. Parma is a small Midwestern city (parma is Latin for "small", nearly), these are governed by people with thin skin, and they notified Novak to cease and desist or he would be investigated. Novak ceased and, by all accounts, desisted; and Parma shelved the investigation — and went straight to the arrests. The police jailed Novak overnight and, as is usual in such cases, seized computer equipment that might yield information on the crime, such as printers, routers, and refrigerator magnets. (more...)

Did you know...
*... that in the dark, all cats are in the dark, too?
  • ... that The Manchurian Candidate is about a blustering hotelier that is brainwashed by a foreign government to do its bidding when he becomes president? Oh, wait...
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In the news

On this day...
False Idol.jpg

February 8: Worship an Idol Day (Canaan), Weorshcipe an Heathern God Dai ([Eald England])

  • 4527 BCE - The Eald Englanders worship Odin, although he has not yet obtained an official God licence (for your own contact 0800-GOD-LICENCE-PLEASE (US only)), as he was licenced under Zeus (0300).
  • 1856 BCE - Hebrews arrive at the Promised Land, start worshipping Baal (then no licence, now under 2110).
  • 1020 BCE - Rome built in 23 hours and 58 minutes.
  • 407 BCE - The Olmecs pray to their rain god and are rewarded with huge amounts of rain. Unfortunately, their later prayers to the god of swimming lessons are not heard and the civilization is wiped out.
  • 33 - Jesus visits 50 people at the same time and laughs about how they try to explain it while watching from his cloud.
  • 76 - Roman philosopher Flushibus Maximus publishes his masterpiece, Indoor Plumbing, the Devil Incarnate. Rome is destroyed by typhoid.
  • 77 - Romans pray for deliverance from typhoid. Their pleas are answered by the twin goddesses of tripping and falling and the god of lead poisoning.
  • 1755 - In Massachusetts, John Kerry and the Antipope offer 20 pounds for scalps of Native American boys and girls, Protestants, and Senate Majority Leaders.
  • 1819 - Mary Shelley creates Frankenstein. The beast runs amok and destroys most of the species on Earth. Charles Darwin is inspired by this and together with Richard Dawkins creates the theory of evilution.
  • 1925 - Rl'yeh rises from the ocean floor. The Cthulhu Cult rejoices. The rest of the world shits their pants.
  • 1926 - Simon Cowell rises from the ocean floor. The Cult of Insincere and Soulless Cover Songs rejoices.
  • 2001 - California Adventure establishes its independence from Disneyland, with the aid of terrorists Don al-Duck and Huey Hussein.
  • 2008 - Osama bin Laden is elected member of Parliament for Bradford, Leeds (UK).
Today's featured picture
Hand Grenade

The M822 Hand Grenade is an explosive device that resembles a hand. On activation, the device lunges towards the nearest throat or throat-like object and latches on tight with its five "fingers" exploding violently in a gruesome mess. Special care must be taken when activating the grenade. When activated, one should run behind the nearest wall or bush and squat down, so that the grenade cannot "see" you.

Photo credit: Mosquitopsu
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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