Chess pieces
Chess is too often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.
Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.
The Pawn[edit]
When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. It has long been noted that the majority of Chess Grandmasters hail from Russia. This, it is thought, is because peasant-life in that country is traditionally so utterly wretched and so devoid of the possibility of improvement, that a lingering, painful death from combat injury is preferable to an even slower death from disease, poor nutrition, government subsidised Vodka, and the benevolent attention of the KGB.
If it is a pawn's first move, it can move forward one or two squares after having first cooked and served his superior’s breakfast, cleared away the dishes, watched his wife and children being violated by the local gentry, and performing a colourful folk-dance. If a pawn has already moved, then it can move forward just one square at a time – the weight of his pack and millennia of subjugation holding it back.
Pawns attack (capture) land diagonally to the left or right, ignoring the likelihood of serious injury from advancing through a minefield in return for the personal fulfilment of clearing a safe path for their social betters in the second rank. Should a pawn's advance be unsuccessful, he will be court-martialled, shot, and his corpse left for wolves to devour. Should it prove successful, the pawn’s bravery will not be acknowledged but especially brave pawns may be allowed to enjoy the sight of their officers receiving medals of valour while they convalesce in a muddy ditch – field-hospitals being reserved for the more deserving classes. He will then be shot and left for wolves to devour because allowing pawns to return to their villages after receiving military training threatens the established social order.
As a minor piece, a pawn is worth only 1 point and should consider himself lucky to be considered anything beyond the worthless property of his lord and master. Neverthless, interest in pawn has increased dramatically since the invention of the internet, with up to half the traffic on the worldwide web being pawn-related, and specialist pawn websites proliferating. Once the preserve of novelty chess-sets, you might now, conceivably, convince your wife that it is impossible to avoid online adverts for all-girl pawn, animal pawn and transexual pawn.
In Victorian times, the working classes often struggled to make ends meet from one weekly pay-packet to another - something unthinkable in the modern world. Usury laws prevented the formation of that greatest blessing of the Twentyfirst Century, the Payday Loan company. However, even the smallest town would several pawn-brokers, where the destitute could receieve a small advance on their next wage in return for depositting (or popping) their children. The pawnbroker would then have the children photographed in exotic poses and would recoup some of the advances made to the poor by offering descretely wrapped parcels of lithographs to well-heeled perverts in the wealthier districts of town.
Before commencing a game of Chess it is traditional to assemble one's pawns for a rousing speech, in which one should ensure that these plebian pieces know that they will be laying down their lives not uselessly, but for your eternal glory. For the best results, it should also be made clear to every pawn that retreat in the face of the enemy will be dealt with severely and that the sins of the father will be visited unto his children, yea down through three generations, especially the comelier female children, but perhaps not the ginger ones unless the nights are very dark.
Even when threats of violence are made explicit, the young pawns stationed on C2,C7, F2 and F7 will always be the most nervous before battle as they have bishops behind them.
The Bishop[edit]
Easily recognised by their bulging veins and purple helmets with a small slit at the tip, a bishop is an ordained member of the Christian clergy who is entrusted with a position of authority and a crook to make it easier to suffer little children and to bring them unto him. Each side starts with two bishops, except in the Reformed Church of Scotland (The Kirk), where bishops are anathema and the position of holier than thou busy-body is taken by old ladies short on height but rich in spiteful disapproval.
The bishop starting from a light square represents the boundless love of Christ, and is ever eager to smite anyone in the enemy camp, laity or clergy, so that their souls might sooner experience God’s judgment and so make their way more quickly through Purgatory. The bishop starting from a dark square oversees the pastoral care of Hells Angels. They advance fearlessly through the fray, powered by 1500 cc Harley-Davidson Roadsters and methamphetamines. Dark bishops are equally keen on smiting friend and foe, though they are rarely interested in saving souls as much as they are fascinated by simply hitting things.
The bishop (like a knight) is considered a minor piece since it is not necessary to be born into the nobility to attain the rank, making it worth only 3 points – the Chess equivalent of the letter G in English language Scrabble, B in French Scrabble, Dd in Welsh Scrabble and ♝ in Esperanto.
Through God’s grace, a bishop can move diagonally as many squares as it likes, as long as it is not blocked by its own pieces, an occupied square, or an ecclesiastical court of enquiry into the molestation of minors in his diocese.
Though a mortal sin for those of a sound mind, the Catholic church considers bashing a bishop to be merely a venal sin in adolescents, lunatics and members of Congress.
The Knight[edit]
Each side also starts with two knights. The king’s knight is responsible for securing the King’s flank and for spreading terror in the ranks of his enemies. The Queen’s knight secures her bedchamber, ensures her chastity in the absence of the king and looks after the “needs” of her ladies in waiting with his well-polished “lance”.
The knight is not considered a high value piece as the rank can be reached by members of the lower orders through sustained, suicidal bravery over a number of years, or through a lifetime’s unpaid service to the public good. Alternatively, the rank may be conferred on members of the middle orders who have supplied senior members of the government with suitcases of non-sequential, high denomination bills, bags of Bolivian marching-powder or underage girls.
The knight is the only piece in chess that can jump over another piece, or in the case of ladies-in-waiting, onto another piece. It moves one square horizontally and two vertically, or two squares horizontally and one vertically. In other words, the knight moves in an "L-shape" because…
Moving on, in other cultures the knight goes by a variety of other names. It is the Elephant in Arabic and Chinese, the Camel in Mongolian, the Counsellor in Dutch, and the Horsey in American English. Knights are typically found in "White Satin" (a Casino & Strip club off Las Vegas Boulevard) where they hope to be rewarded with the Order of the Garter by gathering around a round table to tell stories of the valour in killing dragons who refused to invest $450,000 in their start-up Horse-Yoghurt venture.
The Rook[edit]
Each side starts with two rooks (a breeding pair). All four rooks are located in the corners of the board, where they wait until battle commences, flying in to peck their way into the chest cavities of the dead and dying before flying back to their nests to feed their young on still-warm viscera. Isn't nature wonderful!
Despite a fondness of carrion, the rook is considered a major piece, worth five points. It is easily recognised by its distinctive call; “Caw, Caw, Call that a helmet? How come I can still peck out your eyeballs?” Rooks are also known for their intelligence. In one experiment rooks worked together to knock a reward off a platform by rolling stones down a tube, seeming to understand that a rounder, heavier stone will roll more quickly and be more likely to knock the platform over. This implies that rooks have a notion of gravity comparable to a six-month-old baby, which in view of a sixth month old's incontinence and inability to perform even the most basic arithmetic, is setting the bar for intelligence rather low.
With the advantage of flight, the rook can move as many squares as it likes horizontally or vertically, though it cannot fly over other pieces or move diagonally because… Look, I didn’t invent the rules. Blame the EU or some other libtard atheists.
The Queen[edit]
The Queen is the most powerful chess piece, protecting her pussy-whipped husband who would be nothing without her, as she tells her children at every opportunity. She is able to harness the power of pre-menstrual tension to attack any piece across as many squares she chooses in any direction. Such is her noble bearing, her ladylike deportment and the magnificence of her expensively-acquired breast-implants that pawns are scattered to the four corners of the battlefield, Bishops are forced into confession and Knights are compelled to unsheathe their swords to begin furiously polishing them.
The Queen is considered a major piece and is worth nine points, although in her own estimation, she is priceless. Interestingly, the piece is known by the same name (Queen or Lady) in all major languages except Estonian (Lipp - Flag) and German (Das schachstück, das sich in alle richtungen bewegen kann und extrem mächtig ist, das es aber sehr unumstantisen zu schützen ist, weil es wahrscheinlich dazu führt, dass es das ganze spiel verliert – The cool piece).
Queen is known for its extraordinary vocal range, unique guitar sound and for being the first chess piece to have a number one hit with a seven minute single. Many Queens may be found surveying their realm from the highest tower of their palace, enjoying the sight of their tired masses slowly expiring from the strain of the feudal labour required of them in exchange for her protection. Others are found in barely lit nightclubs, heavily made up and hoping that the hot truck driver at the bar is too drunk to worry about the details of anatomy. These Queens can generally be recognised by their need to shave more than their legs, and by names such as Avery Goodshag, Anna Bortion or Greta from Human Resources.
The King[edit]
The King is the most important chess piece. The game can only be ended when he is brought into checkmate. In Chess, this means that the King is assassinated by his offspring, usurped by a younger brother, or overthrown by a popular but doom-laden uprising of the peasantry who believe that land-redistribution and democratic government will inevitably lead to an improvement of their condition and an end to the state-sponsored sexual assault of their daughters by knights, and of their sons by bishops. Such socialist doctrine is anathema to God, so dangerous to society and so utterly un-American that it should be stamped out across the whole of humanity so that decent, law-abiding, God-fearing Americans can continue to enjoy life, liberty and the pursuit of tax-cuts.
The king is not a very powerful piece, as it can only move one square in any direction at any one time - its constitution being badly affected by congenital syphilis. Note that the king cannot be captured! When a king is attacked, it immediately shelters behind its pawns until either the attacker retreats, or the pawns are all killed. This is called "Check", as in “Check out the sword I just murdered all these peasant dudes with. I’m gonna hang it in your ass.” Remember, if you shout out "Check" in a restaurant in North America, this makes you legally liable to pay for everyone's food.
A king can also be Stalemated in a game. This when the king runs out of funny jokes or interesting stories to tell. Neither side wins. Much like real life.