Finnish sauna
The Sauna (pronounced SOW-NAH), or "Really Hot Place Containing Naked People" is a Finnish invention that many nations (i.e. Russia) falsely claim to have invented (See liar),[1] It was first recorded in the year 1050 B.C (Before cookies) by the Sosumi people in the Arctic Circle as a range of sounds to use everytime they hooked in a seal for dinner.
Saunas continue to be enjoyed today. It is regarded (mostly by Finns) as one of the greatest things on earth. Basically, the sauna is a room, with a stove covered in rocks, onto which you throw water. This creates a mystical gas known as Löyly, or, colloquially, "REALLY-FUCKING-HOT-AIR!!!!!!!!!" in English.[2] To Finns (and anyone who doesn't fall under the label of pussy), the sensation of hot Löyly is very enjoyable. If however, you can't stand the heat, get the hell out of my kitchen... errr... sauna.
How to use a sauna
Granted, depending on whether the sauna in question is electrically heated, or a wood-burning sauna, heating will be different. Once the sauna reaches a sufficient temperature:
- Get naked!
- Get in and close the door behind you.
- Make sure the stove is hot. I might suggest with your tongue.
- Turn up the heat even MORE.
- Cool off with some good ol' alcohol. If you are sharing the space with some gay S&M fans, I recommend Tom of Finland.
Löyly (steam) can be created using this simple formula: (Bucket is equivalent to B, Ladle or Scoop is equivalent to L, Water is equivalent to W and Stove is equivalent to S)
- 1L+1BW=1LBW.
- 1LBW-B=1LW
- 1LW+1S= [result]
Therefore, [result] is equivalent to 0.3% of a proper steam.
How not to use a sauna
As the sauna is regarded as a place for relaxation and enjoyment, screaming loudly about how your skin is burning off will get you a swift kick in the rear. A severe lack of "Sisu", or "manly-resolve" will not be tolerated, and you will be thrown out with force, into the nearest pile of snow, leaves, or manure (dependant on the current season and proximity to a farm).
Furthermore, putting on any sort of clothing, even as little as a sock into your right foot, will result in the same violent trip out the door, and into a pile of the appropriate substance listed above.
Health benefits
In a study by Dr. Jari House or the University of Helsinki, 99.4% of respondents affirmed that proper use of the sauna was a better treatment than their prescription medication in cases of acne vulgaris, asthma, hypertension, halitosis and lupus. That is to say that the sauna is known to "get rid of acne" and "get rid of stress". And Lupus.
Health risks
Morbidly obese individuals and individuals of a "delicate nature" such as Rosie O'Donnell and Canadian singer Justin Bieber, respectively, should not engage in sauna bathing, in light of the perceived risk of a heart-attack. In the aforementioned "Helsinki Study", Prince Andrew agreed to participate and attempted to sauna, but was incapable of sweating. Further investigation revealed the presence of a genetic mutation: a gene noted as B4D/A55, which prevented sweat production. Continued use of a sauna by persons with the mutation is not recommended, as any sauna bathers in the same sauna will undoubtedly experience heat-stroke while trying to compete with the individual who will not sweat. The Swedish should also avoid the sauna for the same reason. Chronic masturbators should not engage in sauna bathing, as the sauna is not inherently a sexual place, despite the nudity, and risk being beaten to death with a "vihta", or stabbed to death with a "puukko" for their offensive display.
Rules
In 1976, an ancient manuscript was unearthed in the bottom of an outhouse in Lapland dating from the 15th century. To safely (as in not be violently slaughtered by puukko wielding Finns) use a sauna, one must obey the ancient sauna creed to the letter:
"Eef yuu want tuu use sauna, yuu not wear klothes. Rememper not tuu be farrrr-ting in sauna, dats chust ruude. No Vanking, Yerking off, "konsulting Tocktor Viggley", "Yerkin' the Gherkin" or whateffer, safe dat for in de outhouse. Te sauna toor iss not porch-sving; no open and close tuu often. Use only vater on schtove, I hates kleaning Te rocks. Eef yuu trow de schteem, schtay on te top pench; no leaving till' is gone; dat's te proper way. Eef yuu gets hot, ko yump in te layke. No pitching apout de heat,; what are yuu, Sveedish?. No haff secks in sauna either; eef yuu tu it right, it's hot enough as is. Eef yuu kan't schtand de heat, don't seet in de hottest schpot (klosest tuu schtove). Aside from back wasching, no totching odders in sauna: rool iss tuu behave like yuu wudd in church. No arguing in sauna, is place for relax; not pitching. Akain, no klothes. Eef yuu have wussy foreigners in sauna, try noht tuu chase dem out wit tuu much schteem. No klothes. No trugs in sauna, ruins de whole point. Sauna is BETTER dan trugs. Tis inkludes kitten-huffing. No fackeeng klothes in sauna. Trink lotsa' likvids, or yuu kets tuu dehytrated. No Sauna unter 80 dekrees Celcius; lower is tuu kold. Ven yuu are ton, ko yump in layke, akain".
As long as you adhere to these rules, you'll be OK in the sauna. But God help you if you mess up.
Avanto and Finnish sauna
"Avanto", a Finnish word for "hole" or "opening", used in the context of a sauna, refers to the hole often cut in the ice of a frozen lake during winter time. Finns, and other basket cases, will often engage in "avantouinti", or, "icy-icy masochism": jumping into the frigid waters between sauna sessions. The practice of avantouinti in conjunction with saunas is an acquired taste, much like fermented pineapple, salted and served with anchovies. One of the negative consequences for males of dipping in an avanto, is the high likelihood of incurring a "shrinkage level" in excess of "9000", temporarily suspending all masculine functions. Common side-effects of a shrinkage level so high are a sharp increase in the pitch of one's voice, trembling, numbness, and a fondness for doilies and knitting. Nonetheless, avantos remain popular during winter in Finland, less so in Sweden and not at all in Uruguay.
In the absence of caffeine, heroin, kittens or methamphetamine, jumping in an avanto is an acceptable way to achieve a wonderful high. The high achieved by going from ~90 degrees Celsius to freezing water hits quite ferociously, but upon exiting the water, a sensation of light-headedness and tingling will occur (not to be confused with frostbite: that burns). What follows is a pleasant feeling of wibbly-wobbly, drunkenness. Overdosing however, can lead to hypothermia, and death. In case of a slight overdose, get back in the sauna. Application of intense and sudden heat will eventually unshrink the testicles, and once the burning wears off, another dose is quite safe. Well, unless you have a serious heart condition. Nobody likes to get sued.
Addiction rates to avantouinti have remained fairly steady in Finland, despite fierce debate as to its absence in medical diagnostics texts.
References
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