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An attic is a section of your home where all your crap goes that's too useless to leave in the basement or even donate to charity, things such as hideously deformed children. It is also a good place for movie and TV characters to have nostalgic flashbacks and realize that their family IS important and that maybe, just maybe, they shouldn't have ground them up and shoved them into the freezer.

How do I get to the attic?[edit]

The best place to check is up. Think of attics as the anti-basement, as they are at higher altitudes. The higher up a room is, the more likely it is to be an attic.

Although it is definitely at a high altitude, airplanes are not necessarily attics.

Attics also are generally dank, dark, uninviting, and full of state-of-the-art defensive weaponry.

It's dark in here[edit]

No shit, it's the fuckin' attic! Didn't you read the part before this? Attics are not generally well-lit and do require you to provide your own source of light, such as a flashlight, a candle, or in more severe circumstances, the arm of a loved one that you set on fire.

What can I find in an attic?[edit]

Mostly trunks full of useless shit, but sometimes you'll find other items of interest, such as:

  • Your grandma's wedding dress: Wait... What's that doing here? I know for a fact grandma died seven years before we moved into this house, and I never found out about this attic until now... Better ask your mom about that...
  • Your great-great-grandmother's sweat-stained corset: ... Okay, I'll give you the wedding dress, but what the fuck, man?
  • Dusty photo albums: What's that dog doing to that baby!? ... Wait... THAT'S ME!!! Why did my parents just stand around and take this while that dog... Ugh... Well, I guess it explains my weird limp.
  • Your great-great-great-uncle's Gimp Suit: It started out a little funny, but now it's just getting wrong...
  • Cash: A "Cash in the Attic" reference? Really? You're really desperate for jokes, aren't you?
  • The remains of the ex-girlfriend that you ground up like she was coffee: I won't tell if you don't. Tee hee[1].
  • Those old toys you promised to sell at the garage sale 3 years ago You know, those old Bionicles and hundreds of those "Hot Wheels" cars.

There's nothing... living in the attic is there?[edit]

The short answer to that is no...

The long answer to that is yes. You'll have to deal with the fact that many creatures exist in your attic. Be it spiders, bats, or Pat Buchanan. Here are some common enemies you'll meet in the attic:

  • Jews: Although the Holocaust ended sixty years ago, some Jews simply cannot let go of old habits and insist on hiding in attics. In fact, did you know that Jews can eat up to a pound of wood a day. And did you further know that they are feasting on the support beams in your attic as we speak... read... whatever... You may consider calling Terminix.
Jr. loves to fuck around in your attic. I wouldn't mess with him if I were you... I think that gun may be loaded...
  • Xenosaga Characters: Well, what else are they gonna do? Star in half-assed ports in Japan only? No, they'd much rather fuck around in your attic and re-arrange those trunks and Gimp Suits. Especially Jr... That little bitch can't leave anything alone. If you find Xenosaga characters in your attic, do NOT engage them! Unless they are characters from Xenosaga Episode I, in which case, do NOT engage them.
  • Gay people: It's a sad world that we live in where even your attic is not safe from being redecorated. Even though it is pretty bad that your drapes don't match your curtain in your attic[2], those zany homosexuals are probably just there for your great-great-great-uncle's Gimp Suit. Defend it with your life!

Flushing a spider down a toilet will NOT send their soul to hell, but it will send them somewhere equally disagreeable.

  • Spiders: I would seriously like to emphasize this one. For those that don't know, spiders are creatures summoned from the fiery, yet deceptively nippy, bowels of Hell. If you have ever "killed" a spider, you really haven't. Once a spider is killed by conventional means, it comes back to life a few hours later. Only by using pagan witchcraft can you send their immortal soul back to Hell[3].
  • A Family: So you've gone into the attic and discovered a normal family of people, sitting down to a meal or watching TV and looking surprised at seeing your head popping up out of the floorboards? Chances are, you live in a block of flats.
  • Grues- There to hunt you!
  • Eurgs- There to hunt Grues... and you!
  • The Burger King There to hunt Grues and Eurgs... and you!
  • Meatwad. He is searching for the One Ring.
  • Cockroaches: See those empty shells in the corner? The roaches didn't die, they burrowed into your brothers Comic books as a permanent home.

I can't find my attic![edit]

There are only two reasons I can imagine that this could be true.

  • 1: You're retarded.
  • 2: You didn't read the "How do I get to the attic?" section.
  • Or 3: You're fucking stupid.

But assuming that these assumptions are wrong[4], you may have what I like to call a sealed attic. If you look around the rooms of your house, you may notice slight indentations on the ceiling. This may be the way to the attic. Or it could be some inside joke the man who designed your house implemented thinking that it was hilarious.

Sealed attics are usually sealed for a reason. The most common reason is to keep people from seeing that Gimp Suit. The least common reason is to appease the god of glue[5].

Closing Remarks[edit]

Well, that's unfortunately all I can teach you about the wonderous land of attics. Hopefully, throughout this fun trip, you've learned something of importance[6]. If not, then it looks like this was all for naught...

...Or was it anyway...

...Oh well, I gave you the Gimp Suit, right?


  1. It should be noted that if you have ever used the phrase "tee hee", you're probably gay.
  2. Which is odd, considering there are neither drapes nor curtains in your attic
  3. Some of this might actually not be true.
  4. For the sake of the arguement, "wrong" refers to "spot on".
  5. A reason cited by the Wilson family of Madeuptownname, Vermont. Please write them letters telling them how "unique" their beliefs are. Make sure to send a coloring book with your letter!
  6. And not just that these footnotes are fucking annoying.


Rooms In Your House
BedroomLiving RoomGuest RoomKitchenBathroomSaunaAtticClosetBasement