HowTo:Become a Pope

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

Welcome. This is a print-out-and-keep guide if you fancy a career change. There is also available a translation in Latin. Now pray and read the rest of this guide. We are talking about you can Become a Pope.

Requirements

First you will have to be a Catholic and male. We know this may be an impediment to many of you but the church is very broad these days. The Popehood is open to all, but you do need to wear pants and not be a gossip.

Becoming a Catholic

It's a lot easier if you were born to a Catholic. Of course you can convert to this branch of Christianity. Buy some rosaries, get a statue of the Virgin with the baby Jesus and accept St. Peter's successors as the Vicar of God. Abusing choirboys and arranging special 'spiritual trystings' with female parishioners in the privacy of the confession box were once some of the perks of the job. Less so now.

The above are free of cost, but you may need some number of absolutions. These are an extra-cost option.

Becoming a priest

So, once you are getting the necessary hours to be a Catholic, the next stage is to join the Catholic Church hierarchy. This usually means going to a theological college to wrestle with St. Thomas Aquinas, chant like St. Gregory the Great and resist sexual temptation. Fornication is officially frowned upon. Hours of praying on your knees and a long cold shower are judged sufficient to make progress.

Becoming a bishop

Nuns again. To become a bishop you now have to be 35 or over. In the past bishops could also be children. Hugh of Vermandois, Archbishop of Reims, became a bishop aged five. His elevation to a job whilst still under going potty training was a sign of s desperate time in the 10th century. Or a lack of virgin men.

Go Cardinals!

This page is a work in progress
But let's give it a chance. The author will finish it later.
Or maybe not. Should they choose the latter, within seven days, this page will not exist anymore.
Now, go away!
Health Warning: Putting this template on a page consisting of a few lines or worse will not save you and may actually get you banned.
This page will be re-checked on 27 February 2025