HowTo:Become a Pope
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Welcome. This is a print-out-and-keep guide if you fancy a career change. There is also available a translation in Latin. Now pray and read the rest of this guide. We are talking about you can Become a Pope.
Requirements[edit]
So let's fill you in with a bit of background. First you will have to be a Catholic and male. We know this may be an impediment to many of you but the church is very broad these days. The Popehood is open to all, but you do need to wear pants and not be a gossip.
There is now a minimum and maximum age to become pope. You now need to be at least 35 to become a cardinal and so have a hand in electing a new pope and under 80 to cast your vote. Age restrictions were brought into the church during Pope Paul VI's rule in the 1960s. In the past the Catholic church has had a range of ages serving in the position of Pope.
The youngest pope was a rum chap called Pope Benedict IX in the 11th century who became the Holy Father three times. In his first stint he was the Holy Teenager aged only 12. This was thanks to family connections as the previous two popes had been his uncles. The oldest pope in contrast was Pope Agatho in the 7th century who was elected aged 101 and 'died' three years later. He also wrote detective novels under the pseudonym Agatha Christie.
Becoming a Catholic[edit]
Jump to navigationJump to search It's a lot easier if you were born to a Catholic. Of course you can convert to this branch of Christianity. Buy some rosaries, get a statue of the Virgin with the baby Jesus and accept St. Peter's successors as the Vicar of God. Abusing choirboys and arranging special 'spiritual trystings' with female parishioners in the privacy of the confession box were once some of the perks of the job. Less so now.
The above are free of cost, but you may need some number of absolutions. These are an extra-cost option.
Becoming a priest[edit]
So, once you are getting the necessary hours to be a Catholic, the next stage is to join the Catholic Church hierarchy. This usually means going to a theological college to wrestle with St. Thomas Aquinas, chant like St. Gregory the Great and resist sexual temptation. Fornication is officially frowned upon. Hours of praying on your knees and a long cold shower are judged sufficient to make progress.
Becoming a bishop[edit]
Nuns again. To become a bishop you now have to be 35 or over. In the past bishops could also be children. Hugh of Vermandois, Archbishop of Reims, became a bishop aged five. His elevation to a job whilst still under going potty training was a sign of s desperate time in the 10th century. Or a lack of virgin men.
Go Cardinals![edit]
One of the most active colleage of cardinals are based in the USA. The St. Louis Cardinals combine a deep knowledge of scripture and big hitting baseball. So if you a big hitter and nimble footed, you will have a chance.
Being There[edit]
To become pope you will need a vacancy. In the past this could be arranged with the assassination of the current occupant. Those looking for a less dramatic approach could lace the Holy Father's tea with viagra which could also cause an unexpected stiffy and plenty of Catholic guilt. As long as you don't come under the instant disqualification rules then you could sit on the papal throne.