Woof

The dog is a common source of a woof, provided it hasn't been dropped on the head as a puppy.

A "woof", also known as a "wyf", "wœf" or "/wʊf/" is a noise.

A woof is often loud and deep, and as such is a common source of a headache. As such, it is recommended to minimise risk of being in proximity to a woof wherever possible.

History

The first woof in English literature was uttered between 975 and 1025 AD by the title character of the classic poem Beowoof. At live readings of the play, the audience would start woofing when Grendel appears.

Comparable traditions, including the Icelandic Grettis saga, the Norse story of Hrolf Kraki and his shapeshifting servant Bodvar Bjarki, and the related Scottish ritual of pub-crawling, are notably void of any woofs.

The "Woof-Poof" law

The pure nuisance of a woof has inspired a law in China where if a woof is heard, its source must be eradicated. This law is known as the "現在樹皮已經消失了" (translated to "now the bark is gone") or the "Woof-Poof" law, and has both improved wellbeing across China (due to minimised headaches, and in turn depression), and minimised the risk of a food shortage (due to the amount of dogs being killed).

The Woof-Poof law was then introduced into England to combat rampant male homosexuality in the Royal Navy. It involved submitting a suspect to the Old Grey Woof Test. The law is not to be confused with the "Woof-Puff" law, a law in mid-1700s Belgium (then known as the Austrian Neverlands) which forced all gays to woof when ordered to do something. They loved that.

Other woofs

• Islam has a woof, though they write "waqf", to avoid confusion. An Islamic woof is a permanent gift to the church, to benefit devotion or to feed the poor. The counterpart in the modern world is the Irrevocable Trust or perhaps the Globally Unique Biosphere. Muslims in India insist that, "Once a woof, always a woof."
• Woof, with its counterpart warp, are the Yin and Yang of weaving. While industrial weaving occurs at warp-speed these days, homespun crafts are done at woof-speed.
• Around the University of Michigan, it is spelled WFF. This means "Well-Formed Formula" and is the basis for yet another game no one can get the co-eds to play.

See also

• Bark