University of Michigan
“I watch the Michigan Wolverines on the radio all the time.”
The University of Michigan was founded in Detroit in 1817. During the Detroit potato famine of 1845, the University searched for a new home and chose Ann Arbor, named after a well known prostitute that had wandered down from her home in East Lansing.
Ground was broken on the University's first building, Angell Hall, in 1847. That was also the year in which the university first admitted students not of the Albigensian faith. Building of the university continued at a fast pace until 1863, when the University was razed to the ground by Confederate troops under Nathan Bedford Forrest.
Rebuilding the University took the better part of 50 years, during which time programs were added in mathematics, Slovakian studies, and fingerpainting. During the 1920s the University became known as a top institution for students denied admission to Clown college as a result of their insufficiently high IQ's. This influx of students from the East Coast of the U.S. increased Michigan's reputation as a safety school tenfold. Meanwhile, Michigan State University, a neighboring "University", continued to admit good basketball players in their attempts to raise their academic profile..
After a recruiting scandal that was adjudicated by the Supreme Court in the case Gratz v. Bollinger, the University announced in 2004 that it is vacating all academic records from 1984 to 2000. As a result of this self-imposed sanction, the university was forced to remove three Chris Webber marijuana joints and two Ed Martin portraits from the rafters at Crisler Arena.
In 1974 it was learned that the city of Ann Arbor never provided the University with the mule that it had been promised in return for the university's relocation to the city. In retaliation, the University unleashed a plague of couches placed on porches and expensive coffee shops that continues to this day. The University also dropped the mule as its official mascot and replace it with alumnus Arthur Miller's favorite X-Man, the Wolverine.
During the Nike Revolution of 2006, the University was occupied for a brief period by the New Michigan Red Army. However, much like in the movie Red Dawn, students launched a guerrilla campaign to expel the enemy troops, using the nickname "Wolverines". This proved successful, however, the rest of Michigan remains under the control of the New Michigan Communists. Because of the tension between New Michigan and the University of Michigan, the Michigan Wall was erected on the border.
As a result of this outcome, much changed at the University. During student efforts in containing New Michigan forces, the Michigan Student Assembly assumed all administrative power at the University. Their current president has led the charge to support Proposal K, the Peer-to-Peer File Sharing Amendment (which will legalize all types of file sharing at Michigan).
The former administration still exists, but in a role similar to that of the monarch in a constitutional monarchy. Currently, the administrative president is the Mary-Sue character, in case you were wondering.
The University of Michigan has two official currencies, much like the People's Republic of Cuba. One such currency is the Dining Dollar (D$), which can only be spent in the local Communist economy of the dining halls, where certain food items can become scarce. This replaced in part the former system of Meal Credit Equivalencies (MCEs), which were noted for their rigid restrictions on use (for example, one could not use MCEs after 10:43pm, on Sundays, or whenever the Housing politburo so decreed). For this reason, they were often compared to the Zimbabwe dollar.
For "hard-currency" items such as food from Taco Bell or Wendy's, the University has another official currency -the Blue Buck (B$). The official exchange rate is B$1 = US$1 - though black market rates have been lower due to the inability to use Blue Bucks at bars. The Blue Buck replaced the Entree Plus Dollar (the University's former convertible currency) at par in 2008.
The official word of the University of Michigan is diversity. Mary Sue (the President of the University) says this word almost as much as Rudy Giuliani says "9/11" or Barack Obama says "hope". In fact, her sentences mostly take the form of "noun - verb - diversity".
"The University of Michigan is diversity".
The day after Proposal 2 passed, she set a record by uttering a sentence consisting completely of the word "diversity". The sentence:
"Diversity, diversity diversity, Diversity, Diversity, Diversity!"
Special rules and regulations
It is obligatory for every student at U-M to invent at least one activist campaign "to better the public good". The University of Michigan was formerly known for the massive number of affirmative actions which took place on campus. In fact, due to U-M's role in defending affirmative actions in the Supreme Court and the Even Supremer Court, Ann Arbor was known as the "Affirmative Action Capital of the World". The passage of the MCRI has now changed this - affirmative action is now punishable by DEATH. However, the University is planning airstrikes on the Supreme Court to get affirmative action back By Any Means Necessary.
Layout of the Campus
The majority of the University's academic programs are located on Central Campus. Landmarks on Central Campus include Burton Tower, the university's first attempt at constructing the world's most phallic building, and the Diag, where world-renowned harmonica player Zell Miller plies his trade. Visitors are attracted to the Exhibit Museum, which displays 3,000 year old dinosaur fossils, and the U of M art museum, where the works of the university's greatest fingerpainting graduates are stored.
Some notable buildings on Central Campus include:
- North Quad - At the site of the old Freeze Building, this new, state-of-the-art dorm is being built. However, one must watch out - some unscrupulous landlords are attempting to lease rooms in the unfinished building. Do not fall for this trap! You will have to sleep exposed to the elements and make way whenever construction workers need to work on your room.
- Phlegm Administration Building - The one building which students CAN NOT go into, the Phlegm Administration Building is where the University conducts its super secret business. This is where the Ghostbusters have their campus office (some of the old dorms have ghost problems), as well as the FBI, CIA, and Men in Black. Also, as the name suggests, this is the building which super secret experiments with phlegm are conducted, as well as the offices of the University administration (which has control in name only - the Michigan Student Assembly holds the real power since the Nike Revolution of 2006).
- Michigan Union - This is the "U-M Greatest Hits" building. You get some food places, a couple of cool rooms, and a few offices - all of which have, in recent years, become hot spots for watching curling on ESPN360. Additionally, on the third floor of the Union is the Michigan Student Assembly Chambers, where the Michigan Student Assembly administers the University (and makes plenty of Michigan Daily headlines in the process, if only because the Daily has nothing better to write about).
- Michigan League - Slightly different from the Michigan Union, but not hugely. It originally was the Girls Edition of the Michigan Union back when the Union had a "No Girls Allowed" rule. Recently, the addition of a Taco Bell in the basement has quadrupled the number of visitors and has helped the League begin to emerge from the shadow of the Union.
- Angell Hall - The biggest of four connected halls (Angell, Haven, Mason, and Tisch). Angell Hall contains several classrooms, the world-famous Lettered Auditoriums, the Perlman Honors Commons, and U-M's secondary, indoor football stadium - the Fish Bowl.
After Burton Tower lost the 1964 Pritzker Prize for Most Accurate Phallus, the university purchased a tract of land about one mile northeast of Central Campus in order to make a new attempt at winning that prestigious prize. Leaving no detail to chance, Lurie Tower was constructed with a visible urethra and two small towers at its base to simulate testicles . Lurie Tower was more successful than Burton Tower and was awarded the 1987 Most Accurate Phallus Prize.
Despite its reputation for being a social vortex, North Campus is often alive with activity. For example, passerby often remark on vibrant conversations such as "0001001011101001?" "01110100100001011001!"
Once Lurie Tower was constructed, there was plenty of room left on North Campus for the university to use for other nefarious projects. In 1983, the University announced that North Campus would be converted into an experimental prison for engineers. The belief was that, if isolated from society at large, engineers would develop into a race with superhuman scientific activity, capable of making intelligent design theory seem coherent and finally determining the true value of pi. The plan was delayed when a visit to North campus revealed that, unbeknown to the rest of the university, it was already inhabited by music majors. However, the go-ahead was given when it was summarily discovered that the native students never leave the confines their building. Nonetheless, the experiment was unsuccessful because engineers have always isolated themselves from society at large, even without coercion, and thus the engineers imprisoned on North Campus behaved no differently than engineers allowed to roam the world freely. The only lasting effect of this experiment is that the Faculty of Engineering is rated first in U.S. News & World Report's annual ranking of engineering schools in the category of "Least Capable of Engaging In Non-Technical Conversation."
Some well-known buildings on North Campus include:
- University of Michigan School Of Music - The protruding bulwhark that is the music library is the most evident part of the School of Music to innocent passerby traveling on inter-campus buses. The building features padded torture cells, echo chambers, stairs, the world's most comfortable couch, and midget-sized doors placed above the toilets. In addition, the School of Music is home to the University's secret experiments in weather control. Room and corridor climates vary abruptly between tundra and rain forest, causing the official uniform to be shorts, t-shirt, and heavy winter coat. The building has received a number of citations from the EPA for its characteristic bursts of eccentric rainbows and steady emission of marijuana smoke.
- 2000 Bonisteel - The Arts and Architecture building. Nobody speaks of what goes on in this building. Rumors say that architecture students are bent over routinely by their professors.
- Bursley Hall - Often known as the "Burlodge", Bursley Hall is, by far, the most popular restaurant on campus. It has been rated so by the Michigan Every Three Weekly AND the Michigan Daily for 8 years running. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are served in a lodge-like setting out in the middle of nowhere. Additionally, Bursley Hall contains lodging for those who love their food that much.
- Pierpont Commons (aka "Michigan Union-Lite") - North Campus's version of the Michigan Union, only with less room and only Chinese food (Panda Express - not even full-size Panda!). As with other Express versions of bigger things (Taco Bell Express, Outlook Express, Holiday Inn Express) - it is advisable to skip the express version and go with the full-blown version.
- Duderstadt Center - Formerly the Media Union, the Duderstadt Center assumed its present name as a result of being purchased by the Federal Republic of Germany. It is now a German exclave on the U-M campus, and as such German is the official language, the euro is the official currency, and German law applies (so leave your Nazi stuff in your dorm, or else!) German majors often come here to practice their German, as well as to participate in study abroad programs on the cheap (though they naively don't know that "Duderstadt" is actually located on campus and NOT in Europe). There is also lots of computers here for student use - as the Germans are all into technical stuff.
- Dow Building - Home of the U-M Stock Exchange. Buy shares in your favorite part of the University of Michigan here!
- FXB - The Federal Xecution Building, this is where students are executed for federal crimes (most commonly, for "illegally entering the Perlman Honors Commons", "beer drinking", "disturbing the Professor (a crime made famous in the Narnia series)", or "walking by the Forbidden Train Tracks")
- CSE - The newest building on campus, this is the building that EVERYBODY wants a class in. It has cool stairs, a bunch of good computer science courses, and looks like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory turned into a computer science building. It also is the home of the 5000-ft Xbox, which will attack in several months time.
- EECS - Home of the world-renowned IEEE/HKN Donut Stand (which makes it worth the trip alone - even if you're not even on campus!), some random offices and computer science classes exiled from the CSE building (aka classes where the professors refused to pay the requisite bribes - not unlike the XYZ Affair).
- G.G. Brown - aka the dungeon, the bane of all freshmen, and the dwelling of Mechanical and Civil Engineering degree hopefuls. very few brave females have set foot into this building, it is said that none of them lived to tell the tale.
The University of Michigan is a member of the Big Ten Athletic Conference, which as of 2004 has 457 members, the third-most of any NCAA conference. The university's student-athletes are its brightest and most academically oriented students (except for Jalen Rose), maintaining a four-year graduation rate of 2%. Despite all this they still can't beat Michigan State or Ohio State in basketball or football.
Outsiders often remark on the incredible work ethic of "Michigan Men". In fact, University of Michigan athletes often work above and beyond what is necessary, including the recommendations of several health professionals, usefulness, or simply NCAA requirements. The determination of a "Michigan Man" was recently demonstrated in an interview with the Detroit Free Press, where an unnamed Michigan player remarked, "I don't care about that ****. Now if you'll excuse me, someone's trying to hand me an envelope." Despite recent failures, University of Michigan athletics supporters proudly proclaim their support of "The Best Team Money Can Buy."
The chief landmark of the Athletic Campus is Lloyd Carr Stadium II: The Zombie Revolution, which has more seating than any other college football stadium in the world. The stadium maintains this distinction by decreasing the amount of space available for spectators as other college stadiums increase their capacity; in order to maintain its present capacity of 107,501,000,000, the average spectator receives a portion of bench approximate 23 centimeters wide, and is required to have at least one other spectator sitting on his or her lap. The chief rivals in athletics are the Ohio State Buckeyes, whom can't even remember the last time Michigan was competitive. On December 16th, 2007, Michigan hired Rich Rodriguez as head football coach, a good fit for a college known for hiring only the classiest people.
The Hart Athletic Center is the smallest gymnasium on Earth. It was built after Lloyd Carr feared the other players would step on Mike Hart and smash him like a bug. So Carr opened up his Monopoly board game box and took out a green hotel and let Hart work out inside of that. The Hart Athletic Center went missing for three days after the 2007 Michigan-Ohio State football game. It was later found in James Laurinaitis' toilet after he pooped it out.
After football, the most popular sport at the University was hockey until the start of the NCAA lockout in 2004, at which time Yost Infection Ice Arena was converted into a curling venue. The crowd at Yost Infection Ice Arena is notorious for its bawdy curling chants, such as the notorious "C-ya" chant recited whenever a rock wrecks on a center guard.
Michigan steals all of West Virginia's head coaches. Hard for them to realize they're not in Redneck Land anymore.
Although the University of Michigan has sustained significant failure as of late in real-life athletic events, the athletic program does boast several significant accomplishments in online competition, including the only student so far to accomplish an 850-th level made on the World of Warcraft.
The University of Michigan has 23 1/2
dorms residence halls.
A few of these include:
- West Quad - Popular among lazy students, as they can grab Wendy's, bust in on a Michigamua meeting, or go experience some HARD-HITTING STUDENT GOVERNMENT ACTION without going outside. Also notable for having football players, who practice their tackling skills on the freshmen.
- East Quad - Where all the Communists, Anarchists, Green Day haters, RC Cola drinkers, neo-hippies, and all other people who meet the definition of Diversity live.
- South Quad - Honors students who think they're too good for West Quad and its football players.
- North Quad - Whoops! I guess they have to build it, since they already have all the other directions! Knock down that ugly Frieze Building and MAKE WAY!
- Couzens - A residence hall with a unique twist - only cousins can be roommates! The name is spelled wrong because a 3rd-grader messed up the sign. Couzens is also known as the workplace of Tommy the sarcastic cafeteria guy.
- Markley - Where all people who are as un-diverse as possible live.
- Mosher-Jordan - Recently re-opened. As the first residence building to feature air conditioning, it is one of the preferred locations for dorm dwelling upperclassmen, as they can brag about the amenities not available to freshman. You are still welcome to play laser-tag here if you wish, though the inhabitants may retaliate. Local flora include used condoms and cigarette butts, which can be found on the west side of the building. The new Hill Dining Center is located at Mosher-Jordan.
- Stockwell - No longer just for girls, Stockwell has now opened to guys after intense lobbying by campus masculist groups.
- Oxford - An island of about 50 apartment buildings in a sea of frat houses. Residents only return to their rooms by mistake after not realizing that they've stumbled there on their way to the next frat party. It is perhaps the only residence hall that students refuse to visit more than those on North campus.
- Martha Cook - Girls.
- Roofie - Where the female students live who are taken advantage of by University of Michigan athletes and fraternity brothers. This hall was built for male athletes and frats to be entertained by ugly girls with mustaches.
- Bursley - Located in Gaylord, MI, Bursley is a 5 hour bus ride from Central Campus via the "Bursley-Baits" route. However, it does have edible cafeteria food AND lots of trees!
- Baits I and II - Located in Mackinaw City, MI, Baits is a 7 hour bus ride from Central Campus via the "Bursley-Baits" route. The only thing of note that Baits has is a bait shop, after which it was named. Additionally, it is the only residence hall on campus to have each of its houses spread out onto a different continent.
The Residence Halls Association is the student government for the residence halls. It is known for several things, including:
- Referring to all its representatives by a residence hall name and number. Hence, one must be always referred to as "Mary Markley" during meetings if you live in Markley, or "Alice Lloyd" if you live there, even if you are male.
- Having committees with weird names like BOSS, ABC, NBC, and CBS. This is to make students feel important, as they can run around saying that they are the "Chair of ABC" or the "BOSS Chair". Thus, they may be able to fool less-intelligent friends (such as those at BCS colleges) that they run a TV network or are a boss - when they are in fact reviewing funding applications for Extreme Honest-It's-Root Beer Pong Extravaganza.
- Monitoring the residence halls for any usage of the word dorm and executing the offender. (Using the word "dorm" is a Class A Felony, according to RHA, who insists that they always be called residence halls).
The University of Michigan operates several bus routes to connect the various campuses, residence halls and Mitchell Field.
- Bursley-Baits - Goes between Central Campus, Bursley Hall and the local bait shop, with a stop at Mitchell Field. Best for early-morning spooning with half-asleep strangers.
- Northwood - Goes from Central Campus to Northwood I-V northbound (with a stop at Mitchell Field), and then takes the shortcut back to Central Campus. The bus doesn't go back through Northwood going southbound to Central Campus, as research shows that Northwood residents only want to go northbound.
- Northwood Express - Goes from Central Campus to Northwood I-IV (with a stop at Mitchell Field), and goes through *Northwood* on the way back. Created by a group of dissident bus drivers who believe that Northwood residents want to go southbound.
- Commuter North and South - Goes from Central Campus to every single parking lot on the entire U-M Campus, including the one at Mitchell Field.
- Diag<->Diag Express - Goes directly between the Central Campus Diag and the North Campus Diag, with no other stops (except for Mitchell Field). Bus route notorious for the flashing arrows which adorn its sign.
- North Campus - Goes to all the places Bursley-Baits and Northwood go to (including Mitchell Field) on nights and weekends. Buses specially designed for cell phone use are used on this route. It is the cruel bane of freshman students stranded at Burlodge or the Bait shop, as boarding this bus results in a deathly slow tour of the Northwood forest before depositing them back at their point of origin.
- Oxford (a.k.a. "THE OX") - Goes to Oxford University in England using a flying bus. Also noted for being the only bus using lowercase letters on its marquee.
- Oxford Shuttle (a.k.a. "THE SHUT-OX") - Goes to Oxford University in England using a space shuttle. Does *not* use lowercase letters on its marquee, unlike the Oxford route.
- Mitchell-Glazier - Goes to the medical campus, Glazier Way, and Mitchell Field.
- Mitchell Express - Goes to Mitchell Field fast (hence the term "express")
- Intercampus - Goes to all these random campuses 99% of students don't know exist like East Campus, West Campus, and Gaylord Campus. Still a mystery to most.
- KMS Shuttle - Goes to this mysterious place called "KMS". Students who take this bus do so at their own peril.
There used to be a purple bus called "The Link" that went from Central Campus (and Oxford) to mystical places called "Main Street" and "Kerrytown". Not any more - instead we have the OX and SHUT-OX...
As the chief governing body of the University*, the Michigan Student Assembly is known throughout the world for the moral authority that underlies the resolutions it passes. Its 2005 resolution in favor of divestment from Israel directly led to the collapse of that nation's economy and its conquest by radical Shiite clerics. Another resolution by the Destroy Affirmative Action Party (DAAP) led to the university abandoning its policy of race-conscious admissions. This resolution had the effect predicted by its supporters; minority applications and enrollment both increased by almost 50%.
Also, after a 2006 resolution condemning Iran's remarks on its nuclear program, the President of Iran responded with great fear, saying "Due to pressure from the Michigan Student Assembly, I have no choice but to discontinue my nuclear program." Additionally, another resolution passed by MSA against the war in Iraq resulted in Bush immediately withdrawing all troops - when asked about it, he replied "The MSA made me do it." (On a side note, this resolution took 2 days to pass, since the Assembly kept losing its razor-thin quorum when people went to the bathroom.) Finally, MSA also single-handedly raised the minimum wage in the state of Michigan with its "Raise the Wage" resolution.
However, the MSA is most famous for one thing and one thing only - starting the Nike Revolution. In fact, the MSA Chambers are considered an Official United States Historical Site for being the "Birthplace of the Nike Revolution". It has, however, also been known for its valiant efforts to solve world peace - which has led to several Third World nations, notably Nigeria, asking for MSA's help in recovering the lost money of an otherwise-poor Nigerian prince.
The headquarters of the Michigan Student Assembly are known as the "Michigan Student Assembly Chambers" - into which no one except MSA members is allowed to go into (violators face death by firing squad). However, a television crew was recently allowed unprecedented access to the Chambers to produce a reality TV show based on the Assembly. The show, titled "M.S.A." is currently shown on the Pax TV network during prime-time, where it has consistently been the #1 student government drama on television (defeating NBC's A.S.U.C., the University of California drama and Fox's A.S.M.S.U, the Michigan State University drama).
Additionally, the movie Robert's Rules of Order: The Movie is mandatory viewing for any new MSA member.
Current Student Political Parties
MSA currently has three political parties.
The three parties are:
- Michigan Vision Party (MVP). Founded due to feelings that the Michigan Action Party had no vision, the MVP promises 20/20 vision or better with your chose of free LASIK surgery, glasses, or contacts. Unlike many past parties, the MVP actually acknowledges North Campus's right to exist. Additionally, the MVP promises to support Michigan - a common platform plank of MSA parties.
- MForward. Founded by ex-reMICHIGAN members after the party's demise, MForward promises to move MSA "forward". Detractors have termed the party "re-reMICHIGAN", much like some labeled the Michigan Action Party "Students 5 Michigan" (in reference to the defunct Students 4 Michigan party, from which many of MAP's initial members came).
- Destroy Affirmative Action Party (DAAP). Yes, DAAP still exists. Yes, they still run candidates in the elections. Yes, their platform is the same as before - destroy affirmative action at all costs - including the concept of a Yes vote (due to this being affirmative AND an action). A few DAAP representatives have been on the Assembly for several decades - leading to a push for MSA term limits.
The Fall 2009 elections were won by MVP, who soared to victory based on their incredible popularity (and the lack of reMICHIGAN candidates). However, the DAAP party made a resurgence, winning several seats including a prized LSA seat (the last time they did that, Bill Clinton was President and there were no iPods, let alone iPhones. Also, a bunch of random write-in candidates won in tiny schools like Dentistry and Taxidermy - confusing the Election Board incredibly (mostly because no one can figure out how the nonexistent Taxidermy school made it on the ballot).
An annual tradition at Michigan is the "Naked Mile," in which retiring professors run from East Quad to the Michigan Union completely unclothed to celebrate the end of their final term at the university. The Naked Mile has never been recorded by Internet pornographers, who stay away despite being repeatedly invited to come and film the event by university administration. The Naked Mile is currently on hiatus, after several cases of self-enucleation were reported following the sight of Michigan students naked.
Another yearly tradition is the "University of Michigan Dance Dance Revolution Marathon", or UMDDRM for short. In the UMDDRM, students, faculty, and staff (even Mary Sue) play Dance Dance Revolution for 30 hours straight, only stopping to start new games or reset the PlayStation. This event is also used as a way to raise money for charitiable causes, as students go to curling matches, and BAMN meetings, to find sponsors for their entry into the UMDDRM.
The most famous student society at the University of Michigan is TSFKAM, or "The Society Formerly Known as Michigamua". As the name suggests, the society was formerly known as Michigamua, which was the cause of much controversy among astronauts (who found that the "mua" in Michigamua stood for Murdering Unsuspecting Astronauts). As a result, NASA protested the existence of the organization, and in 2000 staged a mission to Michigamua's tipi behind the Media Union (now Duderstadt Center). They uncovered evidence of Michigamua murdering unsuspecting astronauts, possibly after their 1989 agreement to stop doing so, and Michigamua was forced to hide in a dorm room in Baits II for 6 years straight. During the 6 years, members did nothing but sing "Kum Ba Yah" and do the tomahawk chop repeatedly. However, before the outbreak of the Nike Revolution of 2006 Michigamua agreed to go public (their stock can now be bought on NASDAQ), cease any murdering of unsuspecting astronauts, and change their name to TSFKAM - thus making themselves more acceptable to the student body at large.