Bay City

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Bay City, Michigan
If the stink was good enough for Madonna...
Bay City MI.jpg

(From top left, clockwise) Beer and lots of it; souvenir skunks are given to visitors to get used to the smell; Bay City is a city of bridges, some even working.

Nicknames(s) The Land of Beer and Beer
Administrative status
Nation Merica

Michigan, where I can hunt and fish again

Subregion The Hand
Statistics & fast facts
Population 33,505 (1 tunnel monster)
World rank 8,322 (8th smelliest)
Founded 1776 or 1837, by brewers
Features Beer, beer, beer

Bay City is a city in Michigan located on the Saginasty River near the base of Saginasty Bay on Lake Huron. It started out under the control of the United States, passed into the hands of Hippies and returned to US control over the years.


Bay City was established in 1776 by drunken colonial revolutionaries who were fleeing from the British. The latter caught up to them, but the colonials shared their beer, and the British got so drunk they didn't remember what they were there for. They were just so happy they got beer. Today this is celebrated as Thanksgiving. Since then Bay City has had more bars than any other city in the world. Every block has its own bar.

Besides bars, Bay City was known for being the most pleasant-smelling city in the world. But in 1882, Madonna, the mother of Jesus, came to Bay City and declared it to be a stinky town. Thus commanded, God turned Bay City into the smelliest town in the world by summoning up sugar beet factories, which grew up out of the ground from the depths of Hell. Madonna didn't like what she had done to Bay City so she decided to move to Hollywood and start a career as a pop singer.

Prohibition was a total failure in Bay City. Nobody cared that beer was illegal. Every year people would gather in its streets and chug down beer for a day. When Prohibition was repealed there was a party in the streets of Bay City that lasted for one year. It only ended when everyone ran out of beer money, which caused the Great Depression.

By the 1960s Bay City's terrible stench had driven out all conservative elements, and had attracted dirty Hippies who never liked to bathe. They wanted to come to Bay City because it smelled so much like themselves. The hippies quickly formed The Hippy Party and took over Bay City. They immediately legalized all drugs, and changed the city's anthem to Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds and seceded from the United States. This precipitated the Bay City Civil War.

The Bay City Civil War[edit]

The war, which lasted from 1967-1973, was fought between the Bay City Hippies, the United States, and giant pink elephants from Jupiter. The Hippies had just seceded from the United States. They were normally devoted to peace and love, but chose to screw it, because someone told them war was peace. Because they were under the influence of LSD they believed him. It is thought that the Vietnam War, and the takeover of the American government by Richard Nixon were other factors that led to the uprising.

The Establishment that ran the United States thought they would win easily. Many people thought this cabal was run by Israel, but it was really run by giant pink elephants from Jupiter. The establishment sent troops to take over Bay City. But millions of Americans refused to serve, instead moving to Canada or joining the rebels. By 1969 the rebels had solidified control of Bay City and the entire lower peninsula of Michigan. The American government, desperate for a solution, dropped a chemical agent called Dioxin produced by Dow Chemical Corporation on the city to shock the Hippies into surrender. The pink elephants saw this as barbaric, and declared war on the United States as well as the hippies. In 1973 the Nixon regime was overthrown and was replaced by Michigan resident Gerald Ford. The Hippies had proven difficult to defeat, so the pink elephants decided to give them Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti, which they hold to this day.


After the war most of the Hippies moved to Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti, but some stayed in Bay City. Over time they turned away from their colorful clothing and started dressing in darker clothes. They became known as Goths. Eventually Goths would split into the Goths and Emos.

The Dioxin that had been put in the Saginasty River had become unbearable and the river was declared unsafe for swimming. The people of Bay City had to build bridges in order to get across the river from then on. It took a few years. During this time the economy suffered.

People looked for someone to blame for the struggling economy. In 2001 a group of people led by James Wickstrom created a group called Christian Identity. They invented a theory that blacks, Jews, atheists, Mexicans, shellfish, Britney Spears and kangaroos were conspiring to hold back Bay City's economy. He based this belief on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a fraudulent documentary about how these groups of people planned on creating a city in space called Zion, and how they intended to conquer Earth using Gundams and liberate everyone from the false reality known as the Matrix.

Wickstrom became so popular he was elected mayor in 2002. He began to execute his final solution when his furniture store, which had been his house, was gutted by fire. This normally wouldn't have been a problem for him, but he left his human disguise at home. It turned out he was really a giant pink elephant from Jupiter. Those space aliens were secretly trying to delay efforts to build bridges, so their favorite American town, Midland, would get more business. They had chosen it by throwing a dart at a map of the United States. First it landed on Bay City, but that was already taken by the Bay City Rollers, so they had to throw it again and it landed on Midland. Wickstrom had been trying to distract the public's attention from the giant pink elephants all along. The public was outraged, and chased him from Bay City. He moved to Rhodes and started a radio talk-show. Nobody there knew about him being a giant pink elephant as it is out in the middle of nowhere.


Bay City is known as the antique capital of the world. The antiques are so old people have died of West Nile Virus after walking into a shop. West Nile is an ancient disease that was epidemic in Egypt circa 3000 BCE. It was long thought to have been extinct. Because it had been gone for so long, doctors weren't sure how to treat it. So they revived Cleopatra from her tomb. She told them that the antiques were cursed and should be thrown into the West Nile River. This turned out to be only a plot by Cleopatra to take back her personal possessions and sell them on the black market in exchange for peanuts. The antiques spread across the world and infected thousands with the potentially fatal disease.

The city is also famous for its beer. Every year it holds the Bay City Pub Crawl, an event with an appropriate name where people get so drunk they can't stand up. It has always been sponsored by actors Bert and Ernie. In 2003, T-shirts were sold showing them on the front. This caused an uproar, as the duo's privacy was now compromised. After that they were always surrounded by reporters and paparazzi. One night they were riding through Paris because they wanted to set up a new chain of bars and coffeeshops. But the paparazzi chased them down and killed them with flashing cameras in a tunnel in order to sacrifice them for the annual corn harvest. This lead to a murder trial for the photographers that took place at the Bay County Courthouse. They were all acquitted, because of Johnnie Cochran's famous "Chewbacca Defense".

The Hollows[edit]

The Hollows are a system of tunnels that run under Bay City and connect to Delta College. Officially built to protect people from nuclear bombs, the project was really intended as a sanctuary for crab people. In the 1960s there was a mall inside that was run by Queer Eye, a giant human eyeball. But at the end of that decade it was discovered that Queer Eye was actually a crab person eye, part of a plot by the crab people to turn all human men into metrosexuals so they could take over the world. The Hollows are now empty except for a terrible beast. This creature is known to steal people's lunch money and squirrel's acorns. Do not trust this beast as it will always trick you out of your money. Run as fast as you can if you ever see it. The monster has large claws and red and green spotted skin, but can change form, so beware when you talk to anybody in Bay City. It could be the beast.