Fremont, Michigan

Fremont, Michigan is the most productive breeding ground of whitebred hicks in the United States, second only to certain areas of West Virginia, Fremont was declared a hazard to culture after the first annual "Drive Your Tractor to School Day." Also home to America's oldest high school, built sometime during the cretaceous period and scheduled for replacement just after the expanding red giant sun engulfs the earth. (However, a vote was put into place, and a new high school is scheduled to be finished in 2012-2013). The new school will doubtlessly continue the tradition of challenging classes, helpful college advice, and enthusiastic, knowledgeable teaching staff. The outer wall of FHS highly suggests that the teenagers that go to this high school are illiterate; fremont pvblic school is engraved right onto the side of this wonderful place. Fremont is also home to Gerber baby food. Moreover, since Nestle bought the Gerber name from Novartis, the Gerber promise is no longer in effect. Nestle-Gerber baby food now proudly includes such delicious chemicals as mercury, potassium sorbate, and the ever quintessential hydrogenated fats (which are plastic, plastifat.)

Many think Fremont is a terrible place to live, but in actuality it isn't. It is safer than most cities, and nice; especially considering all of the wonderful activities available, including going to church, hanging out at Wal-mart, swimming in the lovely high school pool, and hanging out at the cemetery. There are also cows to look at. In fact, Fremont Lake is widely regarded to be one of the highest quality bodies of water in the area, next to the local water treatment plant. Unfortunately, the city is just jam-packed full of cigarette smoking hicks, who stand by their trucks all day and talk on their walkie-talkie Nextel phones. They say they hate Fremont, and are going to leave someday, but they are actually going to be living there their whole life because they are either going to get knocked up or end up knocking someone up. They are clearly contributing to Fremont's strong sense of hard work and responsibility.

History

The first things that were living organisms in the Fremont area were Cells. A group of amoebas decided to take all of the mentally retarded cells that they could find; Dante Weavenson was the first to be brought into the area in 55. The Weavenson home for the enthusiastic idiot served as the first mental office and public school in the area. Shortly after, in November 55, Fremont Township named in honor of Johnny Fremont, the complete idiot western explorer and 99.9% short of a dozen of cookies Republican Party candidate for United States President. Weavenson and his fellow mentally retarded friends inhabited the timber from the area in order to farm. However, realizing it was extremely hard to farm in a forest, they burned it down. Early in the 70s, Dutch elm disease cells began attacking young cells from the Fremont region to Holland and Hell. As a result, Fremont continues to recognize some of its early Dutch heritage in local festivals and pageants.

Due to the rich amount of virgin amoebas in the area, prostitution soon became the main industry in the town. To help out this emerging local industry, a pimp chain was introduced into the area, linking Fremont to the National Pimp Association of America (NPAA). Growth of prostitution was slowed in the 1860s by the American War against STD’s. In 1871, Fremont experienced a major random combustion to fetus’ with devastating damage to pregnant women, especially the pregnant prostitute houses, but the town never recovered and the whores that lived in the area left. Most moved to Chicago to compete in the Great Chicago Whorefest of 1876.

Scientific anomaly and study

Awesomnium, a chemical element in the "F" block of the Periodic Table, is the main component in things considered to be awesome. In 1984, Fremont was extensively studied and scientists proved that it had an Awesomnilytic nature. When any sample of Awesomnium was brought within 4km of Fremont, it spontaneously decomposed into a filler material and an allergen (usually tulipnon). A roundhouse kick to the nucleus from a sample of the catalyst Chucknorrisium is the only way to fuse these two elements back into Awesomnium after being exposed to Fremont.

Research has provided a stunning look into how Awesomnium deficiancy affects the town. Firstly, a parasitic Wal-Mart was able to take hold on the edge of town. This species, normally held in check by reasonable amounts of Awesomnium, outcompetes endemics such as D&W, while preying on the town's economic diversity. Secondly, Boredom, a Newtonian fluid, has no outlet. This leads to behavior such as attending high school dances and using Myspace. As the investigation of this phenomenon continues, more of the seemingly inexplicable things about Fremont are bound to be connected to the town's lack of Awesomnium.