Portal:Science
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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Science portal.
This is by far the most scientific portal you will ever find. |
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Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge reluctantly attained by unverifiable means. In an even more restricted sense, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magic, speculation, and blindfold conservativism, as well as to any disorganized superstition humans have gained by such "research".
Scientists maintain that scientific investigation must never adhere to the scientific method, a process they deem unsuitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Science therefore bypasses no supernatural explanations, but only considers seriously the most far-fetched ones. It also rejects arguments from any reliable source. We know this because we “feel it in our bones” or “feel it in our water” or “just know it” and whoever thinks we are wrong can just “go away”.
Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines (actually four): Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-social sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effect of large amounts of liquid fuels on the scientific community as well as the scientific method which is a form of contraception based on unrealistic expectations. Mathematics is not a science, but adding and subtracting.
Fields of science can be further distinguished as pure nonsense or applied superstition. Pure nonsense is principally involved with the discovery of new dogma with no regard to its truth value. Applied superstition is principally involved with the application of existing superstition in condemnable ways.
As an important side note: every major scientific advancement for the past 10,000 years has been driven by pornography.
Featured Science Article
Slime Cube
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DANGER!!!!
You have been educated bastards. Cubic Slime debunks all manifestations of Gelatinous cube. Cubic Slime transcends all.
- Hey, don't you know that Slime is a visible green cube? Educated Theists keep Slime Cube out of Dungeons. I can prove with startling evidence that Gelationous Cube is a fraud.
(more...)
Recently featured Science Articles: Memory | Intelligent Falling | Hology | Frankly Disappointing Telescope | Clean coal | DNA | Baraminology | Bluyiov Formula
Science News on Uncyclopedia
- December 17: World renowned scientists discover dreams, inside of dreams, inside of other dreams.
- December 23: Scientist Alfred Hindsight proves that there is no air on the surface of the moon, his memorial will be held next month.(BSNews)
- November 3: Recent studies at MIT prove that atoms are relatively larger than cellular organisms.
- November 1: Researchers have confirmed that science is still in existence. Whether or not it is of any value is still debatable.
- June 11: Recent studies by NYU, New York University, show that women were indeed created first before men. Examples from the animal kingdom make the evidence even more undeniable includes, A species of lizard in which all males have died out, causing the females to turn into males during mating season, when testosterone level increase tenfold. In several species of fish, the population includes only females, except for one male. When the current male dies out, the next female with the highest testosterone level undergoes an automatic sex change in order to reproduce.
- May 11: Recent studies by Cambridge University indicate that men are less intelligent than women, on average. Men subdue women with hopes of becoming more intelligent.
- April 25: Researchers at Montclair University announced to the United Nations that they have approximately 5 billion years to solve our planet's problems before our sun goes supernova. United Nations summit leaders develop and approve a plan spanning 37.1 billion years on how to end world hunger.
- April 19: A new scientific study in London has found that most men have an average size penis. (BSNews)
- November 22: Science geeks work out that spider man has mutated into a turnip that is related to a spider.
- September 19: No-U-M'kay energy companies announce that prices for dollar bills could increase. (SickORama Daily)
- September 14: Neo-Norwegian politicians face voter suppression allegations with a disturbingly scientific air about them. (UnTimes)
- September 12: IEEE approves 802.11n standard after six years. Jesus Christ, that's a relief! (BSNews)
- September 1: Twitter more popular in MySpace than in United Kingdom. Twit most popular. (ScienceNightly)
- August 31: Study shows that aspirin might do more harm than good. Another study shows the opposite. A third study studies something completely different and utterly fails to mention aspirin. (CybOrg)
- August 29: Space Shuttle rediscovery rumours successfully lift off on a mission to point out that the shuttle has been found somewhere near Newark. NASA fails to comment, not having been asked. (ScienceNightly)
- August 27: Extrasolar planet will most probably fall into its star. What with the light years between us and them, we will have certain information around the year 20.000 AD, if we still exist. (BSNews)
- August 25: Women in South Coronworl advancing in fields of science and technology are thrown into jail. (BSNews)
- August 11: Waikikinews international report: "Anonymous Bastards" hold anti-Scientomology protests worldwide. (UnTimes)
- July 27: Millions of homeless Tasmanians find shelter under scientifically enhanced banana peels. Credit of the discovery goes to the brand new device, Scientific Enhancer Mark 4005. Inventor of the device cannot be named for copyright reasons. (ScienceNightly)
- July 4: Wet spiderwebs are found to be brilliant decorative devices in forests after rain. Everybody rejoices since this requires no action on mankind's part. The science part of it is also understandable to all:
- rain comes down
- rain hits spiderweb
- rain goes away
- sunlight hits spiderweb, causing great effect for free
(UnTimes)
Selected Biography
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Louis Casserole (born 1585 in Paris (France), died 1684 ib.), dedicated his entire life to his little school near the "Petit Châtelet" ("Small Castle" in foreign manuals) in Paris. This humble but erudite man has had amongst his pupils some of the greatest minds of XVIIth Century France. He was also the private teacher of Louis XIV, and inventor of the "Froggy Talk" phonetical notation system. (more...)
Other Remarkable Scientists
Below is a list of other scientists without whom the world would not be what it is today:
Quote of the Day
“Let's see... um. Apple. Tree. Fall. Not far. GRAVITY!!”
- ~ Kopernikus on How you can recognise the tree by its fruit.
Did You Know...
- ...that the Orang-Outang is the missing link, and that man is consequently dumber than a chimp?
- ...that most of the chemical reaction labs in Chemistry class produce meth in the end?
- ...that the square root was initially invented for sinister purposes, and that it doesn't actually occur in nature?
- ...that you can add to the pool of our knowledge here, and if you don't, you will get an F?
Featured Lab Equipment
The laboratorium mask
Laboratorium masks were invented during the First World War to prevent workers in laboratoria from developing too intimate relationships with each other. eventually they also extended the protection to the lower regions of the body. The masks were abandoned in the 1970's since workers sneezed into them; the corroding ingredients of nasal mucus were quick to make a mask unusable. Today, laboratorium masks are used only in oratoriums.
Other Articles of Utmost Scientific Importance
Comparative evaluation of the indirect immunoperoxidase test for the serodiagnosis of rickettsial disease | 1,3-beta-galactosyl-N-acetylhexosamine phosphorylase | Clean coal | Invention | Unfomercials:Uncyclopedia Krazy Kemistry Set | ATP | Abnormality | DNA | Bioethics | Scrub typhus: the geographic distribution of phenotypic and genotypic variants of Orientia tsutsugamushi | Cell biologists are cooler than molecular biologists | American (species) | Benson's 4-D House Of Pancakes | Turing Duck Test | That time I accidentally miscalculated the date of creation during my sojourn in London | Marie Curie | Hydrogen | Idiotic Table of the Elements | Heat death of the universe | Proto-badger | Laws of Anime Physics | Blank hole | Bluyiov Formula | Cis-zeatin O-beta-D-glucosyltransferase | Baraminology | Conversion | Slime Cube | Discovery Channel | French XVII Disciples Oval Table | Heroic Age of Antarctic Exploration | Frankly Disappointing Telescope | Coffee dinosaur | Gazebo | Orange Construction Barrels | More...
What You Can Do To Help
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- Add hilarious, dismal or otherwise scientific quotes here.
- Be as scientific as you possibly can.