Scientific method

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This young scientist has successfully taken the first steps in the scientific method. Little does he know that most real science does not involve little scum-dwelling creatures with three eyes.

The Scientific Method is one of many methods of steering one's life from childhood to death. To apply the scientific method successfully, it is necessary to make correct decisions at several of life's crossroads. There are different opinions on the milestones of the scientific method, but the ones that are commonly cited are:

  1. University admission
  2. Getting your degree
  3. Getting your Ph.D.
  4. Getting your lab

Many of those who use scientific method become nerds at some point of their life, but that's not a necessary condition. The hallmark of the later stages is a production of the highest possible number of scientific publications, pieces of information whose main goal is to get their references inserted into the highest possible number of other scientific publications.[1]

University Admission[edit]

Oftentimes referred to as the most difficult portion of the Scientific Method, being accepted to a university (ANY university, mind you) usually requires a good, solid eleventy billion years of hard work, determination, and abstinence from all forms of narcotics and some varieties of cola. Most experts agree that problems occur mainly during the fifth and sixth months of fetal development. 95% of these children will grow up living outside and enjoying themselves, eventually falling into dead-end careers such as celebrities, professional athletes, and Paris Hilton. This leads into the key mantra of the Scientific Method: "Life is not to be enjoyed, but rather to be analyzed, disputed, and later proven not to exist."

During the pre-teen years, a subject may be distracted from work towards the first goal by the introduction of the opposite sex. On average, 10% of subjects die from shock at the first witness of "strange creatures" (as they have so been referred). Most others will simply accept the existence of a second species. There is, however, an elite few who will attempt (and sometimes succeed) to uncover the conspiracy and expose it to the world. After they carefully explain the news to the mindless sheep with whom they coexist, they are usually gunned down, either from confusion or apathy. Those who survive later realize that the aforementioned years are simply a test to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes time for application. The "chaff" is usually accepted into the universities, while the wheat is usually fed to the general public or left in a mill to spoil under the claim that it is surplus and must be saved in the event of emergency. The underlying point is that universities don't want to accept anyone who can actually get a decent grant or scholarship, seeing as giving people money to come to school is just bad business (unless they are athletes, in which case the schools will typically give them several million dollars).

The late teen years leading into the early twenties are the final hurdle on the road to admittance. Experts still disagree over whether or not an additional five years must be spent in high school, and the real reasoning behind the argument is unknown. The truth is that high school is simply a prison designed to break the spirits of each person to ever attend, with the introduction of upper-level courses that use things everybody knows (e.g. math) to explain things everybody knows (e.g. how a wheel works) in ways that no one needs to know (e.g. Rotational Dynamics). On top of this comes the introduction of regular standardized testing (e.g. the G.M. Worble "How Long Can You Not Click Any Links For" Test) that assigns each subject an arbitrary score which then is used to predict the outcome of their future (e.g. Horoscopes). Those who continue the Scientific Method and do not simply become Automotive Mechanics or Used Car Salesmen can finally attempt to receive admittance to a university.

Getting Your Degree[edit]

This second step is considerably easier than the first, especially to those who spent the extra five years in high school and are now completely devoid of emotion or independent thought. Most who do not succeed at getting their degree are ridiculed and forced to appear in ads for fraudulent or pirated universities (such as ITT Tech). During the university experience, those people who will fail are often marked with telltale signs, such as:

Such individuals must be avoided at all costs, and may not even display any signals at all. Most graduates say that it is best to avoid people entirely and lock oneself in a small room, ignoring the outside world entirely and playing video games at least fourteen hours a day. It is acknowledged that it is difficult to attend classes this way, but was it not the great Adam West who remarked that classes dull your mind?

No, wait... it was John Nash. My mistake.

Getting Your Ph.D.[edit]

At this point in life (usually the early thirties), a university no longer cares what a student does, classes ease up, and further knowledge is gained in fields that really aren't that important to anything (such as writing your master's thesis). A student simply becomes a being of the school, severing all ties with the family and scavenging for food at night. Necessary for the completion of this penultimate stage is the ability to function long-term without fancy and frivolous things like showers, food, sleep, or oxygen. With the mastery of this skill, the student may continue on to the final stage.

Getting Your Laboratory[edit]

Any living being who achieves this step of the scientific method essentially becomes a God, for anyone who has 47 years of schooling must surely know everything in the universe. They are then able to say anything they want and have the public follow along as their servants. Depending on their ability to sound like they know what they're talking about, some Scientists control legions and sometimes countries to do their bidding, which is usually pretty drab and boring because of their lack of exposure to the outside world. At the ripe age of 184, they will generally choose a successor, and the entire process comes full circle.

Of course, to keep their power, a scientist periodically needs to conduct experiments in their lab. Here's a little sampler of a typical lab report:

Lab 17C: Investigating Incidence of Viral Infection Among Cats
Day 1: The cat ate 5 mice.
Day 2: The cat ate 4 mice.
Day 3: The cat ate 8 mice.
Day 4: The cat ate 2 mice.
Day 5: The cat ate 11 mice.
Day 6: The cat ate 9 mice.
Day 7: The cat ate 3 mice.
Day 8: The cat ate 7 mice.
Day 9: The cat ate my slice of cherry pie and no mice.
Day 10: The cat most definitely was not force-fed nitroglycerin and struck with a hammer.

Conclusion: Schrödinger's cat is dead.


The Scientific Method is one of many pathways to bring total and utter control of people to the reins of one person, and with some hard work and general consensus with those around oneself, the world can quickly become the sandbox of a single old man. Or something like that.


  1. N. Arkani-Hamed, S. Dimopoulos and S. Kachru, Predictive Landscapes and New Physics at a TeV, SLAC-PUB-10928, HUTP-05-A0001, SU-ITP-04-44, January 2005