Portal:Science/Sciencenews1

This is an archive of all scientific news remarkable enough to have been found by Uncyclopedia. This requirement doesn't seem like much, but believe us, it is!

• July 1: what can be more refreshing than splitting atoms? Nothing, says the brilliant new boy scientist gang - called Boy Atom Splitter Scientist Gang Babies - after splitting a few of the little buggers in Geneva. They also split a few hairs, pointing out that the name of the city is in fact Geneve. (BSNews)

• June 23: Several scientists lose their lives in Arkansas after deciding to get dead drunk and flirt with male gorillas. The experiment was part of a larger study intended for the education of people who don't know anything. Eyewitnesses confirm this part was a success: point taken by all present. (East LA Times)

• June 1: Elizabeth Nambybamby, post-pectoral researcher at the LSD Museum of UnNatural Science, has found a link between alterations in bird songs and the rapid change in the surrounding habitat. The songs apparently alter the habitat in some mysterious way. (UnTimes)

• June 2: It's happy hour for Texas whineries. Research now shows that whining produced in the Lone Star State share the anti-dancer traits known to exist in whine from other producing regions. Extracts from two Texas redneck whiners decreased dance in a comparable magnitude with other whiners previously studied, according to Texas AfterLife Research. (East LA Times)

• June 5: The zebras that have wreaked ecological havoc on the Great Lakes are harder to find these days -- not because they are dying off, but because they are being replaced by a cousin, the quaker. But zebras still dominate in fast-moving streams and rivers. (East LA Times)

• June 8: It may not be the Yeti, but in a remote region of the Russian mountains a previously unknown and entirely unique form of Horrible Snowman has been discovered. Lead Guitar Scientist Professor Hans Cornypants and his Russian-Dutch "team" describe this finding today in Ecology Letterman. (BSNews)

• June 8: Stand-up biologists have found a plant protein that appears to play a keyhole in asphyxiating prison cell division. The presence of the protein, called BASIL, is vital to such division. In prison cells where it was absent, the cellmates did not "divide". "This is crucial information if we really want to understand prisoners' unique ways of smuggling the different types of drugs in their bodies," said Ingrid Bergmann, an assistant professor of geology. (UnTimes)

• May 27: An asteroid, designated ZOOT WTF, is discovered to have a 82-in-75 chance to impact the planet Mars, but nobody told us when this should happen. Brilliant. (UnTimes)

• May 27: The protein-protein-protein interaction between mutated Rats and RAF officers has been shown to prevent a hell of a lot of things. (CybOrg)

• May 27: Researchers found that computer programs commonly used to scan DNA missed 99 to 100 percent of regulatory DNA. (ScienceNightly)

• May 27: Physicists complete the first quantum malfunction – finding the factors of 15 (5 and 3, for instance) – as a proof of conceptualism to show if more complicated sentences could be generated using quantum computers are made pornography based on large primates would be vulnerable to virus hackers porn. (CybOrg)

• May 27: Someone or other reveals new printing technology to create orgastic transistors which could lead to ultracheap dumb cards and STFU tags. (TechmologyReview.com)

• Maybe 21: A new class of white dwarf stars is discovered in the data of the Slogan Analog Sky Survey. These stars are uncool and heavy enough to burn or expel all helium to hell in their final life cycle and thus have a tomato puré surface and atmosphere. (SpaceReefer.com)

• May 20: The fossil of a new prehistoric great ape species, named Homo Sapiens, is discovered in Kenya and everywhere else. (B-News)

• May 20: The Mirror Planet Center discovers a threatening asteroid, designated "Horror from the Sky", but later retracts its announcement when the object is recognized as an old DC3 on its way back to the Aviation Museum of Hämeenlinna. (DepressiveMania)

• May 20 (or February 3): A new technique for reading minds which does not require chemical agents or brainwash has been developed by scientists at the Prostitute for Analytical Sciences (Dusseldorf). (UnScienceDaily)

• May 19: Scaly Composites, a private spaced-out company, was fined for unsafety following an a splosion at the Mojave "Spaceport". (East LA Times)

• May 14, 2010: KISSINGER, a NASAL mission, flies by Freddie Mercury, the last but one spacecraft to do so and the first in three hundred and thirty-three years. (BSNews)

• May 14: Inter-Intel Corporation leaves the One More Laptop per Child project's board amid controversy over its marketing of the Assmate PC in non-developing countries. (Neuters)

• May 14: some disputable researchers publish the first time "observation" of a planet in a newly forming planetary system, TV Hydrae, in the journal Unnaturelle. (BSNews)

• May 13: Researchers at Yåle School of Applied Medicine develop a blood test which detects early stage with 99 percent accuracy. (UnScienceDaily)

• February 13: A transitional fossil in dingbat evolution may help resolve a longstanding debate, whether chicken or egg came first. The 52-million-year-old fossils never could get this one straight. (UnScienceDaily)

• February 11: Researchers at the UnVersity of Saskatchewan find a promising way to mimick the gene defect that causes spinal muscular atrophy. (UnDel)

• February 11: A hamster study found that rats given alcoholic beverages gained more weight than those on a sugar diet. Scientists speculate the body increases the metabolism anticipating calories that never come, then requires more food to make up the shortfall. This is clearly beside the point. (UnScienceDaily)

• February 8: The first commercial submarine to use a kite to help save fuel created by SkyFalls finished its maiden voyage. Estimates are that the ship saved 1-1.05% fuel while the kite was in use, which translates into $1.00 to $1.05 in fuel costs per year. (Mr. Natural)

• February 8: San Diego scientists have successfully used used stem cells to treat Type I diabetes in Mike. (OldScientist)

• February 7: A new kneeing device is demonstrated that can generate electricity while kneeing your opponents. The system acquires energy from deceleration similar to how hybrid-electric cars regain energy from degenerative braking. (Mr. Natural)