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The typical Anti-Zionist

Anti-Zionism is the belief that all the Jews in Israel should be moved somewhere else, typically into the Mediterranean Sea. As the last such ethnic cleansing was 2000 years ago, Israelis no longer qualify for indigenous passports. Therefore, they're colonizers. Potentially even white.

Anti-Zionism is a political ideology that definitely doesn't align with Anti-Semitism in any way, shape, or form.


The cradle of anti-Zionism is the Palestinian areas of Gaza and the West Bank. These disconnected regions hunger to be connected — almost as much as they hunger for a solid meal — and the only thing standing between is millions of Jews — most of whom grew up somewhere else, where they just as easily could have remained.

The Palestinians have a rock-solid claim to this particular piece of land; namely, that someone of the same skin tone and speaking an archaic form of the same language used to live right there. Whereas the Israelis' claim, involving antiquity and nationhood, is shockingly flimsy.

The West has frequently offered the Palestinians a "two-state solution": You can stay in your grimy little desert enclaves, and we'll let the Jews stay next door amid their factories and orchards. Although making it much easier for Palestine to go nuclear, it unfortunately seemed to solve the problem entirely. And almost no one wants a Final Solution.

October 2023 rave[edit]

In October 2023, music fans in Israel scheduled dance parties and raves not too distant from the tall wall hemming in Gaza. Conveniently, the anti-Zionist Gaza government had converted concrete donated by foreign countries for roads and buildings into tunnels into Israel. Other sympathizers arrived by hang-glider and there were drones for all. Gaza was determined to show Israel it could throw a much bigger party — on Israel's land — themed around "converting infidels by the sword". Twelve hundred such conversions, and 120 hostages, later, the anti-Zionists had established their "street cred" with their Palestinian Liberation Disco Party.

Shocked, just shocked[edit]

The sight of ragtag victims of Judaism rising up and settling the scores with youngsters inspired thousands of equally young people in the West. T-shirts showing hang-gliding with an assault rifle became de rigeur on campus. Like flying jet airplanes into skyscrapers in 2001, the night of rage was a Good Career Move. Entire Western governments rededicated themselves to the key question, What did we do to make them act out?

Anti-Zionists raised awareness throughout the world through clever Instagram graphics that justified the Hamas Disco Party. When Israel responded to the party with fireworks of their own, anti-Zionists took to the streets in many large cities. For the occasion, they put on weight, dyed their hair blue, and somehow all became ugly lesbians.

Arab Spring Break[edit]

Students thought "Free Palestine" was more catchy than last year's protest for "free dope".

October in the northern United States features a lot of nights below freezing. But by May 2024, when the weather got better, spontaneous protests sprang up at exactly the same time on dozens of college campuses. These grass-roots "occupations" featured identical pup-tents and professionally lettered protest signs. Columbia University in New York City was the epicenter. A gaggle of Gen-Z marijuana addicts took to the West Lawn to set up their own festival, with members bringing bongos, paint, and even a big-screen TV with a PA system to watch videos of the Hamas Disco Party in support. When its campus became clogged with demonstrators, management took swift action:

  • Listening patiently to the students' demands
  • Having the Faculty Senate slam the administration for calling in the police
  • Having the Diversity Committee set up a Zionist-free area in the University library
  • Cancelling the graduation ceremony
  • Refusing to teach, knowing it was worth $80,000 per year per student to provide them a place where they could refuse to learn.

Identifying an Anti-Zionist[edit]

Art Linkletter learned that Anti-Semites say the darndest things.

The easiest way to identify an anti-Zionist is to listen for signature utterances, such as these:

  • "Go back to Poland" — said to someone who's from a neighboring Middle Eastern country.
  • "GLOBALIZE THE INTIFADA! — Wait — What's an intifada?"
  • "Oh, my goodness! Have you even heard of the Nakba?"
  • "Die, Zionist pig"
  • "No, Israel are the terrorists"
  • "I'm just so happy that Hamas killed and kidnapped those Zionist children!"


Most people who join the Anti-Zionism Festivals have to endure being called anti-Semitic — merely for holding up signs reading, "Gas the Jews", chanting for the complete destruction of Israel, and slapping a Rabbi's hat clean off. This widespread misconception is incorrect. Jews (such as members of the Neturei Karta) insist that Israel itself is anti-Semitic, comprising over a million Arabs; and has no right to exist — because, when the Messiah comes, the real Jews will wipe out the current inhabitants. The Neturei Karta are known for their liberal world views when it comes to topics such as women's rights and gay rights, and their budding friendship with Islamic Republic of Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.