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Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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- ... Barbra Streisand was made Pharaoh of Egypt after repeated DNA hair testing proved her lineage? (pictured)
- ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
- ... that a hammer is a great diplomatic tool?
- ... although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
- ... bingo is the 3rd biggest killer of seniors, ranking just after posing for pictures with wild bears?
- ... that Alexander the Great would ride his horse in front of his troops before battle, so they would be so mad at having to march in horseshit they would be ready to fight anything and everything?
- ... the movie Snakes on a Plane only exists in your imagination?
- ... but you are mysteriously still out the cost of the movie plus parking?
- ... when your grandma said, "You gruesome", you misunderstood and proudly stood up as tall as you could?
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In the news
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April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day
- 455 BCE - Horton hears a Who and agrees with other animals to boil them in Beezle-nut oil. All die instantaneously except Keith Moon, who had already set himself on fire.
- 50 CE - The Roman Empire invests in a program where Christians die for their own entertainment. Today, this program is known as Pay-Per-View.
- 1783 - America wins its war for independence. It agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
- 1525 - Cortéz kills all the dirty Aztecs and purifies Mexico by ordering his men to rape the Aztec women. All are thankful.
- 1555 - After 18 months of siege, Siena surrenders to the Imperial army. The Republic of Siena is incorporated into the Grand Douche of The Dark Side. Italians begin tanning and fist pump their way to the coastal United States.
- 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins. Nobody cares. Still.
- 1932 - Joseph Stalin starves his own people as a "practical joke"; thousands die.
- 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups; instead his efforts create resistant minorities that will eat his flesh alive.
- 1960-something - The Beatthose write Hey Jude, a pro-genocidal song. Everyone loves it.
- 1992 - While not really genocide related, Rodney King is found not guilty of beating two white policemen.
- 1994 - The Rwandan genocide begins. Tutsis and Tootsie Rolls alike are mass exterminated.
- 2005 - In a World of Warcraft incident, several mages perform an online funeral for their friend who died IRL. During the ceremony, they are interrupted and all are killed by a ruthless clan in a genocide-style extermination.
- 2022 - The Americans decide to conquer and exterminate their not-so-friendly neighbors to the North, the Canadians.
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| FoxSpoof.jpg - 22 fortresses besieged ( 27 / 5 )
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In an effort to extend its presence to areas that were previously only covered by UnNews, Fox News has founded a subsidiary in Middle Earth to stay competitive on the misinformation provider market.
Image credit: Kharpert
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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