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Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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- ... that ASMR (autonomous sensory meridian response) can be simulated by a zombie porcupine attack, though the latter involves more screaming? (pictured)
- ... the British can eat all they want? They measure weight in stones, and lighter stones are used to adjust their numbers.
- ... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
- ... the number of users the admins have banned is considered the largest countable number since 1998?
- ... that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to foreplay?
- ... when a Chinese Uncyclopedia member writes an article, ██████ █████████████ ████ █████?
- ... that staring into a mirror and saying "Bloody Mary" three times will get you one if you are standing in a pub or bar?
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In the news
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June 30: Dare a Younger Sibling to Eat an Insect Day (pictured)
- 66 million BCE - A young triceratops attempts to feed a bug to a newly hatched sibling but is hit in the crotch by a very large meteorite before it could do so. Small mammals see this and will remember the joke.
- 3000 BCE - Cain dares Abel to eat a scorpion. Abel does, and falls dead. Cain tries to explain it was an accident, but nobody will listen.
- 1500 BCE - Aaron dares his younger brother Moses to eat a scarab beetle. Moses does so, and the gritty taste convinces him to lead his people from Egypt.
- 44 BCE - Julius Caesar dies after being forced to eat a bug carrying a large knife.
- 1859 - Oscar Wilde, despondent over not having a sibling to dare to eat an insect or be dared to eat an insect by, consumes an earwig.
- 1867 - Via the cleverest ruse possible, Mycroft Holmes gets his younger brother Sherlock to eat a bug.
- 1921 - U.S. President Warren G. Harding appoints former President William Howard Taft to the Supreme Court, after Taft successfully attempts to eat a small quantity of mosquitoes.
- 1935 - The Dionne quintuplets are born. By the time the last, Marie, was born, her older sisters were already waiting with insects in hand.
- 1959 - American actor Vincent D'Onofrio is born, paving the way to a career of acting as though he had just accepted a dare to eat a rather nasty-tasting insect.
- 1971 - Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, and lowering the threshold at which younger siblings are no longer required to accept bug-related dares to 16.
- 1999 - Blue whales lose their appetites when told they are eating "bugs". Krill is rebranded as "seafood medley" and the whales return to their original food sources after subsisting on pelicans and fishermen in rowboats.
- 2016 - Queen Elizabeth II formally announces her regret at making the late Princess Margaret eat a bug when they were children. She atones for this by holding down Prince Charles and shoveling quantities of what is termed "bug salad" into his mouth as millions cheer.
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!
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