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Revision as of 11:06, 10 December 2012
Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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Did you know...
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 - ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (pictured)
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that you use only 10% of your brain?
- ... and everyone else uses 100%?
- ... Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle Is Partly Visible?
- ... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
- ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
- ... that the Michigan Firehouse Museum is home to the largest collection of fire truck bell hanger mounting rivets in the United States?
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In the news
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On this day...
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August 5: Mysterious Woody at the Mall Day
- 1239 - Pietro da Morrone becomes a hermit and invents solitaire despite not having any playing cards.
- 1504 - Leonardo da Vinci creates a map of the defenses of the city of Imola for Cesare Borgia, who proudly shows it to all his neighboring rulers. Leonardo's facepalm is heard throughout the Italian peninsula.
- 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
- 1924 - The comic strip Little Orphan Annie debuts. (pictured) Woody Allen gets his nickname after reading the comic strip and starts stalking little girls without eyeballs.
- 1925 - The first cheese slicer is invented in Norway, adapted from Viking torture devices.
- 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed.
- 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
- 1962 - Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing.
- 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, but is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals.
- 1984 - Toronto Blue Jay's player Cliff Johnson gets good wood.
- 1992 - The Alice in Chains song Wood? is heard in every mall in North America.
- 1994 - Viagra hires Woody Woodpecker as their spokesman.
- 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.
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