UnNews:Florida to use Cracker Barrels as immigration checkpoints

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Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, August 28, 2025, 15:09:59 (UTC)
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27 August 2025

A hearty mess of "vittles" may set up the diner for a fast track back to the Rimac.

ALLIGATOR ALCATRAZ, Florida -- Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has announced that the state's numerous Cracker Barrel restaurants will be used as immigration checkpoints.

DeSantis and other Republican governors have been looking for ways to coax some of the 12-30 million foreigners waved in by Joe Biden to go somewhere else, while avoiding jackbooted storm-troopers or other measures that might start Democrats uncharacteristically calling President Donald Trump a fascist or Nazi or something.

Enter Cracker Barrel, the restaurant chain that for decades has showcased Southern hospitality. In the manner of Bud Light, chief executive Julie Masino perused the chain's stagnant sales figures and concluded that the only way forward was to politely induce the entire customer base to dine elsewhere, then recruit an all-new customer base comprising people who are a bit more au-go-go.

Another interim new logo washed out for failing to differentiate the eater from the eaten.

When initial moves were underwhelming, such as replacing checkered tablecloths with Gay Pride flags, Masino removed from the company logo the old man (colloquially known as Uncle Kracker) leaning on a barrel, replacing him with a bra-less shaven-head women's rights activist. This move backfired, attracting flak from everyone including Trump himself, and was hastily reversed, the same PR consultants devising a press release gushing about how We Hear You.

DeSantis stepped into the confusion to use the chain to detect illegal migrants. Florida state troopers, seated in the corner and oddly ordering neither food nor drink, will not ask for customers' matrícula consular at the cashier station, as foreigners tend to pay cash or, in America's larger cities, just walk out without paying at all. Rather, they will peruse other patrons for signs that they might fit in better in some other country. A typical sign is when the customer rolls a pancake into a burrito and eats it with his fingers — especially after dousing it in what used to be maple syrup (before a past cost-reduction). At that point, the officers will swoop in and remove the entire sticky-fingered party to the Pedro-wagon waiting outside, for fast dispatching beyond the gaze of pesky habeus corpus lawyers.

DeSantis is clearly trying to differentiate himself from Vice President J.D. Vance, who is the presumptive Republican candidate in 2028, everyone believing that Trump will be constitutionally disqualified from re-election except of course Trump. In 2024, when the campaign was for V.P., DeSantis differentiated himself primarily with a botched Internet roll-out and sparsely attended rallies. Vance's preferred technique for detecting and deporting illegal migrants tends toward stern tongue-lashings.

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