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Welcome to Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit. Sophia has inspired us to work on 37,386 articles since opening in January 2005. Before editing, please read the Beginner's Guide and browse the Big Five. Politics | Games | Computers | People | Quaint | Coherent Most Popular | Alphabetical Index | Other Categories...

President Abraham Lincoln reportedly typed the Emancipation Proclamation on his personal laptop. Vote for featured image

Today's featured article Nobody cares is a policy employed by dictators, despots, democracy, the general public, and wiki administration. The school of thought began when somebody wanted something and nobody cared. This is thought to have occurred sometime between Ancient Mesopotamia and the Fall of Rome, so we'll say Ancient Greece. Nobody cares enough to find out for sure. Somebody probably started it, with authority probably, so let's say Zeus. He was the ultimate god and ruled over the people or something and then the people weren't happy. Zeus decided that nobody cared and screwed a goat. Then there was Rome and the Romans didn't like Christians. The Christians wanted to live, but nobody cared so they made them fight lions to the death. Then Rome fell and the people needed a stable existence, but nobody cared and the Dark Ages were born. Read more... Recently featured: Nike Revolution of 2006 - Alternative Medicine - The artist formerly known as God - I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle - The Night After Christmas - North Korea - John Seigenthaler Sr. You can vote for your favorite articles to be featured. More of the best of Uncyclopedia Download article feed plugin for Google Desktop edit Selected anniversaries WARNING! May cause choking in children over 40. January 13: New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar Fans Who Insist on Using His Calender Instead of Ours 1437 - German bakers afflicted with St. Vitus Dance create pretzels by flinging dough around. Unfortunately, brewers are unable to take advantage as waiters are similarly afflicted and spill all the beer. Thousands die from choking on dry pretzels. 1582 - The Orthodox Church refuses to adopt the Gregorian calendar, making Christmas in July a real possibility. Hardware chain stores leave the Orthodox Church in droves, as they already had new calendars printed. 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit", unaware that "Uranus" would have been a better choice for stupid jokes by the devoted followers of Captain Obvious. 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. After thinking about it, panicked Brits ask the Apaches to return, but it is too late as the last removal van had already left for America. 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later. FEMA would then spread metallic sodium to absorb floodwaters and start fires all over again. 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new Chinese markets. 1932 - A street vendor sees Dali's The Persistence of Memory and tries to sell melted pocket watches on the street. That idea fails completely. However, he find the watches perfect for baking large pretzels and invents the soft pretzel. The rest is mystery. 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel. 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters. However, the president fails to read the new packages and chokes again. Barbara Bush would then arrange to have all his food pre-chewed and put into a funnel to feed the president. Archived Anniversaries	Today's word of the day is retro Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.
	edit In the news Hegseth orders drone attack on Santa Claus (pictured) Trump renames Christmas Uncyclopedia implements funny ban Miley Cyrus lends her wrecking ball to Donald Trump Prince Andrew to go into permanent exile John Bolton is indicted Florida to use Cracker Barrels as immigration checkpoints Flying Dildos dominate the WNBA Epstein list emerges Miss England to Miss World: I'm out Qatar gifts Trump an airplane Popeye deported for gang-related tattoos DOGE calls on Uncyclopedia Weezer gets weird at Trump's inauguration Trump tees up new American empire More Current Events at UnNews News edit Did you know... ... that The Manchurian Candidate is about a blustering hotelier that is brainwashed by a foreign government to do its bidding when he becomes president? Oh, wait... Do you care... ... the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution? Read More
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Writer and Noob of the Month GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia! Seriously, we love you. Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor. Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come! It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon! HEIL FROSTY! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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