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Henry (born Heinz) Alfred Kissinger (May 27, 1923 – November 29, 2023) is the most notorious bore of 20th-century international politics and the chief proponent of Realpolitik. He developed an approach to diplomacy called Primat der Außenpolitik and an approach to language involving sprinkling pretentious foreign words everywhere. His unintelligible advice baffled both Richard Nixon and thus certainly Gerald Ford, the two U.S. Presidents under whom he served between 1969 and 1977. His call for détente in U.S.–Soviet relations sent leaders of both nations to the dictionary, hoping it meant something dirty. His diplomacy played a crucial role in 1971 talks with Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai that concluded with a rapprochement between Kissinger and a lot of hot Chinese chicks. In the crowning achievement of his career, he was awarded the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize for talking Nixon out of his last-ditch plan to win the Vietnam War by carpet-bombing Stockholm. (more...)
Previously featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer. (more...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (pictured)
- ... that hitting the refresh button does not bring you a relaxing beverage when you are signed in?
- ... however, it will bring you a new clutch of Did You Know entries,
- ... thus suggesting you might be a masochist?
- ... if the entire human race linked arms around the Earth, most of the population would drown?
- ... that the A Train is "a" train?
- ... that resistance is futile, so you should calculate using impedance instead?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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June 6: Cat Polishing Day
- 6666 BCE - Happy Birthday, Satan!
- 6665 BCE - Happy Birthday, Santa!
- 6 CE - Computer geeks begin to worry about the transition to two-digit years, doomsayers proclaim the end times and the birth of Anti-Jesus.
- 1670 - The fourth dimension is discovered in Detroit.
- 1671 - The scientist who discovered the fourth dimension dies inside it.
- 1689 - The Bastille is stormed but the mob are told they're 100 years and a month too early.
- 1690 - The person who wrote the above entry rebuilds it.
- 1900 - Centennial celebration of dinner time.
- 1946 - George W. Bush hits the US (with a big fucking stick).
- 1966 - Overpolishing of cats results in the creation of the Sphynx breed.
- 1987 - The physical embodiment of the god of whores is born in a small general hospital in London to a family with too many cats.
- 1998 - Satan builds the Flux capacitor, but nobody seems to care.
- 1999 - The Millennium Dome sneaks off to the Bell and Dragon in Bath for a pint.
- 2001 - John The Baptist meets Jesus in the local Blue Peter Bring & Buy sale. He opts to buy the cross Jesus is carrying, but turns it down in favour of a My Little Pony annual.
- 2006 - The day of Satan, and my ex-wife's birthday! Coincidence?
- 2008 - Satan decides to put off Armageddon to celebrate his birthday with his cats.
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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