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Today's featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.
Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.
When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. (more...)
Previously featured article – John Mahama
John Dramani Mahama (born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too. They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency. (more...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that a pair of goannas were scheduled to be in the 2016 finals of Australia's Dancing With the Stars? (pictured)
- ... and that, tragically, they were run over by a beer delivery truck whilst practising in the car park?
- ...
 is 8th grade math?
- ... children were golden in 1999 when bad kids were threatened with Jar Jar Binks figures for Christmas if they did not behave?
- ... children were golden in 1999 when bad kids were threatened with Jar Jar Binks figures for Christmas if they did not behave?
- ... Hope springs eternal? Dammit, girl, can't you stand still for minute?
- ... that incomplete sentences cause?
- ... when a Chinese Uncyclopedia member writes an article, ██████ █████████████ ████ █████?
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June 17: Presidential Mullet Day, Bill Clinton Sex Definition Day
- c.7000 BCE - First Intel PC domesticated.
- 1707 - The Knig of Svïden celebrates his 25th birthday by hosting an 80s party. The music of Sir Henry Purcell hits the charts in Svïden, but Bach and Händel have no old music to rip off. Vivaldi expresses his hope that the Knig could hurry up and die.
- 1878 - Mount Everest is built by Nepal to encourage tourism growth and annoy Tibet.
- 1885 - The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor and agrees to stand the test of time.
- 1969 - Godzilla defeats his Chinese nemesis, Maozilla.
- 1970 - A child is born. Well done, you! And without a physician or midwife? Clever Dick!
- 1972 - Christmas is ruined forever.
- 1982 - Star Wars Episode VII: The Phantom Boner hits retail stores as a straight-to-video release.
- 1992 - Lieutenant Planet is promoted to Captain Planet.
- 1994 - Homer "O.J." Simpson is chased down and arrested on suspicion of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ned Flanders.
- 1994 - Judge Lance Ito becomes the most famous human being ever.
- 1995 - Activists raid a waffle breeding facility and manage to set thousands of waffles bred in captivity free. Using waffles for clothing and drug paraphernalia will be banned in 1999.
- 2001 - Millions agree that Special K ain't that special after all.
- 2002 - Billions wonder what happened to the Regular K.
- 2003 - Trillions get together on the interwebs and invent Super K.
- 2004 - Willie Nelson finally gives up on the Rubik's cube.
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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