From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
left
Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
|
DID Y0U KN0W...
|
- ... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (pictured)
- ... that ostriches do not stick their heads in the ground but in molten lava? This explains why they are not found on the island of Hawaii.
- ... that one person can change the world?
- ... Area 51 is just a clever ploy to distract you from being curious about Areas 1 through 50?
- ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
- ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
- ... that it wasn't a rock? It was a rock lobster.
|
|
IN 7H3 N3W5
|
|
|
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
|
April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America), Mars Day (Mars)
- 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BCE - The planet Mars is born.
- 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BCE - The planet Mars loses all its liquid water, all life dies out although there's none, and the planet turns red.
- 4,514,159,265 BCE - Earth becomes a hot lava ball in the middle of nowhere.
- 8000 BCE - Mars, the Roman god of war, is born. He is named after the planet.
- 1188 - The Earth cools down and life multiplies way too quickly and ruins the entire planet.
- 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father. He names his firstborn son "Steve".
- 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
- 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
- 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just desserts.
- 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up his first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
- 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
- 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
- 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson.
- 2002 - WWE star "The Rock" invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
- 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
- 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.
|
|
70D4Y'5 F347UR3D PIC7UR3
|
[vote]
| Mspaint.gif - 21.5 total votes ( 30.5 / 9 )
|
|
A screenshot of MS Paint, an image manipulation program.
Image credit: Nonymous
|
|
WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
|
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
|
Uncyclopedia's sista projects
Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
Uncyclopedia languages
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains
37,401 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many
languages:
PR073C73D BY 7|-|3 F4IR U53 C14U53, 4ND 4 1337 C14N 0F C1INJ45.
