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Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (pictured)
- ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
- ... that a new broom sweeps clean but a Zamboni does it faster?
- ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
- ... I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.
- ... the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ... that a 40 foot tall pine tree is almost always taller than a 30 foot tall one?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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April 28: World Amateur Gene Splicing Day
- 70,000 BCE - Homo sapiens emerges from Africa in search of restaurants that are really good but not too pricey and don't have wait staff that treat customers like shit. This single thought would propel all future human migration.
- 3500 BCE - Moses descends from Mt. Sinai amid thunderclaps and bush conflagrations with a number of commandments.
- 905 - Court jesters throughout Europe go on strike. This is considered so funny by the ruling class that most get promotions and bonuses.
- 1818 - A Dr. Frankenstein from Germany finds other uses for his electrical turkey deep fryer invention.
- 1861 - Oscar Wilde first merits mention in his local newspaper for his treatise on the manufacturing of bon-bons.
- 1920 - The Soviet Union acquires free agent Azerbaijan; US weakly responds by drafting Alaska 39 years later.
- 1932 - Dr. Bill Cosby announces discovery of vaccine for Jell-O Fever.
- 2008 - Long-awaited gaming platform Playstation 4 is released to a wildly supportive public.
- 1953 - Watson and Crick perfect DNA editing by removing Franklin and Gosling from any credit for discovering its structure.
- 1993 - The Iron Chef makes gene splicing effective and inexpensive. Ironically, his name is not Gene.
- 2009 - 90% of the population of Schenectady, New York, is wiped out by a mystery illness resulting from yesterday's festivities.
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!
Seriously, we love you.
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.
Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!
HEIL FROSTY!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!
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