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Goodbye from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that nobody can edit. God has inspired us to demolish 37,342 articles in anticipation of the imminent apocalypse.
Please take care not to read the Expert's Guide or browse the Small Five.
Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – The Witcher
The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula.
The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered.
A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...)
Previously featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...)
More of the worst of Uncyclopedia
The future
July 9: International Hug a Zombie Day (frighteningly pictured on right)
- 3000 BCE - Egyptians introduce Hug a Zombie Day when depressed, long-buried Egyptian soldiers rise from the grave and demand love.
- 31 CE - Jesus raises Lazarus from dead and proceeds to hug him, re-instating the Hug a Zombie Holiday, which had not been celebrated since the Great Zombie Rising of 455 BCE.
- 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
- 1984 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first zombie ever to hold public office in Britain.
- 1985 - A new age for Zombiekind is ushered in as a number of prominent zombies appear in a music video tribute to a decaying career. Unfortunately due to copyright laws we are unable to name the artist.
- 1993 - U.S. President Bill Clinton celebrates Hug a Zombie Day by allowing a zombie to read from Oscar Wilde's collection A House of Pomegranates during his weekly radio address.
- 1998 - Several Brooklyn residents are bitten by zombies that they tried to hug. Roughly two weeks later, they cause what is now known as The "Racoon City Incident".
- 2007 - The financially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy. Thousands visit but are never seen again.
- 2011 - National Zombie and Undead Rights Day announced and celebrated for the first time. 1917 people become undead at the ceremony in support. National Zombie and Undead Rights Day cancelled shortly afterward.
- 2013 - Hug a Zombie Day is re-instated after a ten-year zombie shortage. Unfortunately, the world ended in 2012, leaving only zombies behind, who are forced to hug each other.
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