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Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
More of the worst of Uncyclopedia
The future
October 29: National Ignorance Awareness Day, International Rescue Day (Thunderbirds Are Go!)
- 922 - Peasants throughout Europe suddenly realize they are quite ignorant. Then, as one, they return to working in the fields, figuring they are too stupid to do anything else.
- 1576 - Rolf Harris invents the wobble board and didgeridoo. He is able to play both at the same time while groping girls.
- 1675 - Leibniz makes the first use of the long s, ∫, for integral. 315 years later I have to take calculus. Thanks, man. Thanks a fucking lot.
- 1782 - God gets up, has a slice of toast, then decides it's all too much bother and goes to bed again for 500 years.
- 1895 - International Rescue is established, with 2 horses, a penny-farthing bike, a rowboat and a good shovel.
- 1929 - The New York Stock Exchange crashes in what will be called the Crash of '29 or Black Tuesday, beginning the Great Depression. I think that was like, when, everyone got really unhappy for a long time.
- 1955 - Mother Brown gets me Dog And Bone.
- 1966 - For meritorious service, the Thunderbirds are knighted by the Queen. During the ceremony, she accidentally cuts their strings with her sword, causing embarrassment for all.
- 1969 - The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. It is used to send porn.
- 1972 - President Richard Nixon declares that he is addicted to the word "declares".
- 1985 - Howard the Duck, dude. Howard the Duck.
- 1990 - Rolf Harris horrifies an audience in Melbourne with filthy basslines on his didgeridoo in an attempt to attract underage girls, while wearing only his CBE medal.
- 1998 - Space shuttle Discovery blasts off with 77-year-old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space. He bores astronauts by telling them about how in his day, they didn't have astronaut ice cream, and that there were no zero-G toilets, they just had to hold it in the entire mission.
- 2002 - Ozone is linked to Al-Qaida, President Bush vows to increase carbon dioxide outputs as USA leads the way in the War on Terra.
- 2009 - Pam Anderson's breasts become self aware.
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