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Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)
- 28 – Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
- 29 – The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There is much rejoicing.
- 402 – Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
- 932 – Due to the strong Winter, Arthur and his men were forced to eat Robin's minstrels... and there was much rejoicing.
- 1568 – The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters. There is much rejoicing.
- 1776 – America is founded by Stephen Colbert. Ironically, he ventures on to making satire comments about himself. Obama is fucking pissed but who gives a damn? There is much rejoicing.
- 1846 – The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
- 1917 – Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
- 1958 – John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
- 1966 – A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
- 1968 – The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
- 1969 – The Malays decided Chinese people should go back to their homeland (Tibet) and started killing them. About a billion Chinese people were sent to the hospital where they were actually killed because most hospitals at that time were operated by Malays. There is much rejoicing.
- 1973 – Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
- 1992 – Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
- 2003 – Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
- 2002 – Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
- 2004 – May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
- 2005 – The god from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
- 2008 – Dave Chappelle sues the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
- 2010 – Nuclear missiles are finally launched at Finland. There is much rejoicing.
- 2012 – People rejoice. There is much rejoicing.
- 2840 – Humans prove that their Civilization–Location–Time estimation technology is better then the aliens'. There is much rejoicing.
- Circa 5600 – The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.
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