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Goodbye from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that nobody can edit. God has inspired us to demolish 37,335 articles in anticipation of the imminent apocalypse.
Please take care not to read the Expert's Guide or browse the Small Five.
Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.
Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.
When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. (more...)
Previously featured article – John Mahama
John Dramani Mahama (born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too. They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency. (more...)
More of the worst of Uncyclopedia
The future
June 6: Cat Polishing Day
- 6666 BCE - Happy Birthday, Satan!
- 6665 BCE - Happy Birthday, Santa!
- 6 CE - Computer geeks begin to worry about the transition to two-digit years, doomsayers proclaim the end times and the birth of Anti-Jesus.
- 1670 - The fourth dimension is discovered in Detroit.
- 1671 - The scientist who discovered the fourth dimension dies inside it.
- 1689 - The Bastille is stormed but the mob are told they're 100 years and a month too early.
- 1690 - The person who wrote the above entry rebuilds it.
- 1900 - Centennial celebration of dinner time.
- 1946 - George W. Bush hits the US (with a big fucking stick).
- 1966 - Overpolishing of cats results in the creation of the Sphynx breed.
- 1987 - The physical embodiment of the god of whores is born in a small general hospital in London to a family with too many cats.
- 1998 - Satan builds the Flux capacitor, but nobody seems to care.
- 1999 - The Millennium Dome sneaks off to the Bell and Dragon in Bath for a pint.
- 2001 - John The Baptist meets Jesus in the local Blue Peter Bring & Buy sale. He opts to buy the cross Jesus is carrying, but turns it down in favour of a My Little Pony annual.
- 2006 - The day of Satan, and my ex-wife's birthday! Coincidence?
- 2008 - Satan decides to put off Armageddon to celebrate his birthday with his cats.
More predictions
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