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Goodbye from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that nobody can edit. God has inspired us to demolish 37,335 articles in anticipation of the imminent apocalypse.
Please take care not to read the Expert's Guide or browse the Small Five.
Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence.
Though some rules of the game have been adapted slowly over the millennia, the pieces have remained mostly unchanged and continue to move in much the same way as they did for intellectual wannabes in ancient India, friendless geeks in Sassanid Persia, and social inadequates in Moorish Spain.
When a game begins, each side starts with eight pawns (Australian English: Shrimps) - twelve short of a barbie. As the least valuable and most expendable member of your army, your pawns should be assigned a place in the front rank of the infantry. Do not waste body-armour or weapons on these grunts. Advanced players use terror and centuries of oppression to compel their pawns to advance unarmed and unarmoured across the open battlefield, even in the face of airborne attack from the Rooks. (more...)
Previously featured article – John Mahama
John Dramani Mahama (born 29 November 1958) is the 12th and 14th President of Ghana, his current term having begun on 7 January 2025. Ghanaian voters were inspired by Donald Trump being both the 45th and 47th U.S. President and anxious to prove that Ghana could do it too. They were also ready for another go, having had four years to recover from Mahama's first Presidency. (more...)
More of the worst of Uncyclopedia
The future
June 4: International Deserved Child Abuse Victim Day and International Celebrate Yesterday Day
- 1452 – Christopher Columbus is outvoted on naming the Santa Maria, The Shitbag.
- 1453 – Columbus sells children into sex slavery, starting an American tradition. It will ensure an unending supply of future mass murderers so that newsfeeds will have something to write about.
- 1776 – Thomas Jefferson asks for his first two-week extension on the Declaration of Independence.
- 1863 – Rain causes International Celebrate Yesterday Day to be put off until the next day; mass confusion results.
- 1900 – John Jefferson of Oak Ridge, PA awakes from forty-year sleep. He dies of asphyxiation inside his coffin.
- 1942 – The Battle of Midway begins with a surprise attack on Konami. (pictured)
- 1946 – The father of Donald Trump screams at his son on a regular basis, creating the president we know and love today.
- 1976 – Americans celebrate the bicentennial of Thomas Jefferson asking for his first two-week extension on the Declaration of Independence.
- 1980 – Every child abuse offender is released in Texas due to prison overcrowding and a decline in child abuse.
- 1989 – Many young people are gleefully beaten, killed, and abused in the Tiananmen Square massacre.
- 2006 – June 3rd, 2006 is celebrated despite it being International Celebrate Tomorrow Day.
- 2013 – Republicans and nostalgists yearn for the good old days of killer influenza and other fatal diseases, as well as incessant war; they prove not to be satisfied with just the latter today.
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