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Goodbye from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia that nobody can edit. God has inspired us to demolish 37,350 articles in anticipation of the imminent apocalypse.
Please take care not to read the Expert's Guide or browse the Small Five.
Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – The Witcher
The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula.
The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered.
A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...)
Previously featured article – Chess pieces
Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...)
More of the worst of Uncyclopedia
The future
August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)
- 1453 - Battle of Bosworth sees king Richard III lose his shit and his shirt against Henry Tudor.
- 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
- 1622 - The toaster is invented but it would be over 150 years before it would be given a name.
- 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
- 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
- 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium in WWII, some guy thought "This seems somehow familiar."
- 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
- 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
- 1953 - Hundreds rush out to buy the sheet music for John Cage's 4' 33".
- 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
- 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers.
- 2001 - Like we didn't see it coming. What the fuck.
- 2003 - People realize that George W. Bush is an idiot.
- 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.
- 2016 - Last person using a pager discovered living in the middle of Borneo.
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