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Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image.
Currie was born on December 5, 1875 in the tiny hamlet of Napperton, Ontario. Currie's last name was originally Curry, but, once he got out of "nappers" in 1897, he changed the spelling to avoid being mistaken for either his rival Arthur Curry (the reader knows him as Aquaman) or the popular Indian dish of the same name.
Currie had planned to pursue law or medicine but the convenient death of his father when Currie was 15 made this financially moronic. Currie then pursued teaching; joining the Canada Militia in 1897 was merely a part-time side-hustle. When the poor wages gained from the painful job of educating the devilish spawn of Canada became apparent, Currie stoped dilly-dallying and gave into his destiny as a full-time military man. (more...)
Previously featured article – Star Trek
Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it. (more...)
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The future
May 6: No Pants Day (observed)
- 39 CE - Roman Emperor Caligula decrees No Pants Day with no one to wear pants under penalty of death. Only his horse Artax is allowed an exemption.
- 1186 - The art of making pants is lost in the West. Thousands die even on days that are just moderately breezy.
- 1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, ending the Renaissance and the Era of Poofy Pants in one stroke.
- 1536 - King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles to be placed in every church, along with wooden crucifixes and stores of holy water, in efforts to stave off vampire invasions.
- 1866 - Oscar Wilde's short story A House of Pomegranates makes the first use of pie charts in known literature.
- 1882 - The United States Congress passes the Chinese Exclusion Act, followed shortly by the Colored Folk Rights Denial Bill.
- 1911 - Pharmacists invent eye bleach just in time for this year's No Pants Day.
- 1935 - Lawrence of Arabia endeavors to jump his motorcycle over the duck pond at Buckingham Palace. He is killed in the attempt due to an accident with a scarf dropped by Isadora Duncan.
- 1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes and also passes the subsequent tests for drug use and being a robot.
- 2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
- 2010 - The general election is held in the UK. Everyone loses.
- 2012 - American Seymour Butts becomes the first man to cross the Atlantic in a badonkadonk.
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