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Today's Least Interesting Article
Today's featured article – Alexander IV
Alexander the Great was an act that was hard to follow. His empire stretched from Greece to India and as far south as Egypt. For his only male heir — Alexander IV of Macedonia — it would prove impossible to follow. Hence his sobriquet Alexander the Not So Great.
Alexander IV was a weak echo of his father, like Caesarion the son of Julius Caesar, Napoleon II heir of Napoleon I, and various Kennedys, Bushes, and Clintons of United States politics.
Alexander IV arrived in this world a few months after the death of his father in 323 BC. His mother was the fiery Roxane from Bactria on the Persian frontier, a wild land of two-humped camels and savage inter-tribal wars. Roxane was a warrior princess who was disgusted that her father had her married off to some swarthy, Greek-speaking foreigner. So much did she loathe her spouse that she tried to murder him on their wedding night — at least according to Oliver Stone's film about the Macedonian bleached-blond beach bum. After that bumpy start, the couple managed to avoid killing each other, at least until they produced a male heir. (more...)
Previously featured article – Arthur Currie
General Sir Arthur William Currie, GCMB, KCB, KGB, was a Canadian Senior officer during World War I. A prolific commander of the Canadian Expeditionary Force, Currie is among the finest Western front commanders in the war and one of the greatest Canadian officers. However, he is more internationally renowned for his world-class embezzlement; also for his hyper-sensitivity regarding his public image. (more...)
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The future
August 16: Kansai Day (Japan)
- 70,000,000 BCE - First Gozan Okuribi festival (meaning "bloody great flaming kanji") held in Kyoto.
- 40,000 BCE - Takoyaki is invented. Octopi respond by trying to make people-yaki but are unable to get fires lit underwater.
- 38,000 BCE - The first person survives an attack from undercooked takoyaki.
- 1543 - The Kansai dialect is refined when Portuguese introduce Pig Latin to Japan.
- 1583 - Osaka Castle is built so it could be burnt and destroyed over and over for hundreds of years.
- 1950 - Kyoto, Osaka and Kobe form the Keihanshin conglomerate after being liberated from their evil oppressors.
- 1973 - Kansai officially enters the Kaiju League of Japan with two contestants, Entei and Glico Man.
- 1984 - Governor of Tokyo makes stealth attacks on Kansai under the alias "The Monster With 21 Faces".
- 1995 - Expecting an attack, Kyoto buys off Godzilla with 5 metric tons of takoyaki and KFC.
- 1999 - Thousands of AIBO robot dogs threaten Kyoto but are repulsed by fanboys in homemade Gundam suits.
- 2007 - Osaka scientists find out how to make a robot that solves a Rubik's Cube. The world breathes a sigh of relief.
- 2200 - Kansai secedes from the rest of Japan. Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu shortly follow. This leads to the Tozaikan War.
- 2207 - Kansai wins the Tozaikan War by planting proximity takoyaki around Tokyo. The Kanto region surrenders on November 1 of the same year.
- 3000 - Osaka is declared capital of the world.
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