Malta

Renju-Repubblika Fiwdalistika Maltija Feudalistic Republic of Maltese Kingdom Malta
Flag Coat of Arms
Anthem: "Malta Taghna Biss"
Capital	Beltos
Largest city	Hal-Far
Official language(s)	Grunting, Swearing in Italian and Maltese
Government	Maltese-Style Democracy
‑ Eternal Leader	Lord Dom Mintoff
National hero(es)	Pope Benedict, Benito Mussolini, Gowzeph Muzkat
Currency	Giant Maltese Wormcasts, Pastizzi, Manure, Goats, Dog Shit, Words
Religion	Christianity, Money, Pastizzi, Laziness and Racism
Population	1,000,000,000 (2 of Which are Maltese)
Ethnic groups	90% - Uneducated idiots 9% - Gods 1% Humans
Major exports	Maltesers, Malt, Maltose, Malt Vinegar, Maltese People
Major imports	Blonde bombshells, Libyans, Chinese People and idiots
Calling code	+356
Drives on	two wheels (only means of avoiding potholes)

Malta is a small, expensive lump of rock situated in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea and it currently belongs to the Pope, and is very much in demand as a collector's item by those wanting a miniature copy of Italy or Spain.

Malta used to simultaneously be part of Italy / Spain and also Great Britain, but got kicked out by both when there was a split between the kingdoms of Italy and Spain and Great Britain was no longer interested in the Lump of rock. Thus Malta has had a king of its own since its independence in 1964. The Maltese people or Maltesers later got their revenge on the Italians, when they stole all their cats and on the Britons when they stole all their dogs.

History

Like most small islands close to other places Malta's history was a difficult one. At some stage they have been settled and ravaged by the Carthaginians, Romans, Vandals, Goths, Arabs - it's a long list. Somewhere along the line the Pope owned it and granted Malta to the Knights of St. John, a urinal-based Holy Order of soldiers who had recently been evicted from the The Holy Land. These armoured refugees then held the islands until Napoleon captured it who then in turn, surrendered it to Mad King George III - who was under the mistaken belief he was getting back the United States.

Malta then (1800 - 1979) became a major British naval base and stop-off point for sexually active sailors who happily took advantage of the wine, weather and women. Later on Malta gained independence in 1964 but still remained a naval base till 1979 because the sailors where still sexually active. Eventually Malta became a republic in 1979 when the sailors became sexually inactive. Eventually in 2004 the Maltesers got bored of being independent and so they joined the European Union and became a problem to the European Union just as they where a problem before to the other kingdoms.

Geography

Maltese scientists known as 'professuri tal-bigilla' (professors of a traditional bean dip) have said that if all of the Maltese population had to stand on the edge of the island, it would actually tip and overturn. Although this is not proven internationally, it is proven in Malta because for something to be proven according to Maltese science, which differs greatly from the international scientific standards, all that is required for something to be considered as proven is that the 'professuri tal-bigilla' say so.

Malta's capital city is Valletta, better known as Beltos. It was built to withstand an invasion by the Turks, but it is now being invaded by a new race - the Perfs.

Government

Malta achieved its independence on 21 September 1964, after Queen Elizabeth II lost a poker match with Pope Paul VI, the Pope then tasked one of his same-sex concubines, with writing the Maltese constitution - which he plagiarised from the British.

The plagiarism was quickly discovered simultaneously by George Borg Olivier and Dominic Mintoff - the only people with internet at the time - and were granted the Island's administration in return for silence and the non distribution of internet to the general public of Malta until 1994.

The two friends agreed that they would take turns in running the Island. Malta then was governed first by Borg Olivier, then by Mintoff and later by Borg Olivier's friends Eddie Fenech Adami and Lawrence Gonzi and today, i.e since 2013 it is governed by the friend of Mintoff - Dr. Joseph Muscat.

The friendship between Mintoff and Borg Oliver resulted in the separation of the fans of Mintoff, the Labour party and the fans of Borg Oliver, Nationalist party. Thus establishing a two-party system and their respective friends becoming respective enemies.

Language

Because Malta has been owned by every country in Europe at some point in time, it has absorbed the cultures of many of them. There was one thing in particular that Malta liked though, and that was their languages. It took the languages from all of them, and in fact now has around 16 national languages that are all commonly spoken by the locals. If someone is not fluent in all of these by the time they have started school, they will be chucked onto Comino, the island off Malta known as "Prison Island".

The English are now replacing all the other languages, so the Maltese language is now rather like like Welsh, and is only spoken by OAPs. In fact, Malta once wanted to steal Welsh too, but the Welsh defended it strongly, sending their sheep after the Maltese. Maltese has also absorbed some words from sheep language, making it one of only two languages in the world to have vocabulary from animals (along with Swedish).

Literature

The Maltese have one famous 'short story' that tells us about a very famous Italian man who went to Malta: Sources indicate that he was the only ever tourist to visit the island, but these may be inconclusive. The story runs:

One a day I'm gonna to Malta to big a hotel. In a morning I got down to eat a breakfast. I tell a waitress: "I wanna two pieces of toast." She brings me only one piece. I tell her: "I wanna two piece." She says: "Go to the toilet." I say: "You don't understand? I wanna two piece in my plate." She says: "You better no piss in a plate, you son of a bitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me son of a bitch.

Later. I go to eat to a bigger restaurant. The waitress brings me the spoon, the knife but no fork. I tell her: "I wanna the fork." She tells me: "Everybody wanna fuck." I tell her: "You don't understand? I wanna the fork at the table." She says: "You better not fuck at the table you son of a bitch!"

So I go back to my room in a hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. Call the manager. I tell him: "I wanna sheet." He tell me: "To go to the toilet." I say: "You don't understand? I wanna sheet on a bed." He says: "You better not shit on my bed you son of a bitch." I go to the check out and the man at the desk said: "Peace on you!" I said: "Piss on you too, you son of a bitch." I'm gonna back to Italia, Arrivederci

Architecture

Maltese architecture goes back a long way. In fact, the world's oldest man-made structure exists there. However, this structure was built by the prehistoric Italians so is never taken seriously. Even the buildings built in Malta today are simply copies of what their cousins over on the mainland have already made, too bad that their cousins' work resembled turds, more than anything else. Indeed everyone knows that the Maltese did a great job to avoid using the Italian crap that they inherited. Through evolution one can assume that they learned something.

Malta is also famous for its roads. Really famous. Honest.

Mnajdra

Mnajdra is more commonly known as a real-life representation of an angry-birds scene. Formerly believed to be an area populated by temple ruins from the pre-historic era, Mnajdra was officially declared a world heritage site in October 2010 following the discovery a number of indigenous species. Such species include a variety of coloured Turdus migratorius (Birds) and Sus domestica (green pigs).

Such recently discovered species have hence shed light on a variety of historic socio-cultural influences of Mediterranean Culture, namely the reasons for which the Maltese are known for their loud sense of being and overt-relaxation. It is believed that the site of Mnajdra is the source of all which characterizes Maltese culture: that of angriness and laziness, it is due known that Mnajdra was the first known area upon which the game of غاضب الطيور (Angry Birds) was practised.

Ġgantija

The oldest hot dog stand in the world, accidentally located on Gozo island. Apparently, the name comes from a prehistoric wording of "Giant's tower", since the Gozitan legend had it that giants dined there. Well I guess it's a likely story, what with all the giant women wondering around the streets today.

Maltese Roads

The roads in Malta are well-maintained.

Malta is particularly well known for the quality of its long stretches of pristine and well built roads. Maltese roads are renowned worldwide, and are of such a good quality that both Pope John Paul and Queen Elisabeth's bottoms were more than comfortable when riding around in their carriages, They are also known for never being blocked by plant growers, and they are also never ever worked on during the Busiest periods of the day.

The only cars present in Malta are Tiny Nano-Toyotas and Gigantic expensive European cars. It is common to see orangutans behind the wheel of such cars, which make up 97% of the Maltese population.

Maltese Buses

A Maltese bus on fire.

Malta also consists of a very efficient Public transport system. Maltese roads also go perfect with the great buses there are, which are said to be much faster than driving, although the bus takes about 5 hours to arrive it's pretty fast. And if you feel like crashing into a few walls, buildings, into cars and other buses, then the Maltese buses are just right for you! If you're feeling cold then don't worry. The buses have a great system of bursting into flames, perfect for keeping the passengers warm and cozy.

Residency

As a Catholic country, Maltese people believe that condoms are the hats of the devil, and therefore have an ever-expanding population - the highest in the EU in fact. This has meant the need for a mass building scheme across the "country" (if you can call it that), where all low rise housing buildings are gradually being demolished, in place of higher and higher flats. As Malta has started to become less religious, the population increase has started to slow down, but an interesting situation has so far developed there, whereby all the towns have expanded so rapidly that they have all almost entirely engulfed each other, making Malta something of a city in itself.

Maltese are also very sensitive about their families. they get easily offended if you mention their mother more than once in a sentence and they can easily kill you. You can't offend their mother but they can in any way deemed suitable.

Tourism

Always friendly to foreigners. So friendly that they provide you with a rental car and a set of screwdrivers to fix it (otherwise you'd be screwed). The drinks are cheap, especially at the corner shop, about two in the morning, when the 13 year olds go home. If you are a foreign student trying to find your way home while you think your head is 4 times heavier than the rest of your body, then you have the high chance of meeting a group of about 12 to 18 friendly young Maltese boys asking you for a lighter - and then they are so kind to help you take it out of your pocket, including you wallet, your mobile, the rest of you change, your ID and maybe even they take the puke out of your stomach punching it till you are about to suffocate and on your own vomit. The Police help - call them, they will arrive after about 2 hours.

Night Life

All night life in Malta is situated Paceville, which everyone knows obviously means "Peace village" because it is so quiet and picturesque.

Paceville covers about a mile, and every building within it is either a bar, club, pub or a house whose owner has kindly volunteered their doorstep for drunken revellers to vomit on. The entire Maltese population comes here every night to rave. This helps maintain its quaint appeal as "Peace village".

Barmen and Club owners are friendly to customers of all ages (especially those between the ages of 5 and 13), this makes buying alcoholic beverages easy. Apart from all 16 national languages, Barmen speak in a variety of different languages including fluent and diverse forms of grunting, scratching, coughing and spitting, and long periods of gazing and nodding when encountering difficulty in understanding French people who refuse to speak any language but their own.

Live entertainment on the the streets of Paceville does not follow any sort of timetable or schedule, but one may encounter several opportunities of entertainment such as the usual police chasing after Arabs, police comedic relief as they never manage to catch the Arabs, dodge the bouncer, fake your age and nationality to get into clubs, hop-skip and jump the puddles of puke, hop-skip and jump the 13 yr old drunkards, bully and steal from those pesky kids, bully and steal from those pesky kid's friends buy alcohol and puke.

Transport back home is ready available and very reasonably priced as there is always that 50% chance of crashing and dying on your way back to your roach motel / hotel.

Be sure to read all disclaimers on buses and minivans that will readily state that they accept absolutely no responsibility for: death, injury, dismemberment, loss of eye sight/manhood/items of monetary value/items which look like they might be of monetary value/children, intoxication from vehicle, shattered pelvis (it's the damn government's fault for making such superbly engineered roads), finally being dumped in a field somewhere.

The largest night life entrepreneur is Jake Fenech, known as "Il-Omen ta' Malta". He virtually owns all the gay nightclubs in Malta, generating a great profit and allowing him to start up his drag queen business. It was during his time working with drag queens that he met the love of his life, Thunderfuck (Neil Farrugia). Him and his new wife/husband spend their time strolling the streets of Paceville selling ecstasy to underage children and throwing massive orgies with people known as "twinks".

Birds

As the European birdlife undergoes its seasonal migration, birds fly down through Southern Italy and Malta, on their way to Africa. It is known that Malta and Southern Italy are possibly the most bird-friendly areas in the world, with many species in abundance wherever you look. They are not all shot, and in fact have so many birds that Malta has more bird flu than China. There are also some birds that are kept as pets, and very lovingly kept in massive cages that are cleaned, and are given food. While it is true that Malta has the largest number of registered hunters /per capita/ none of these has ever been recorded to have fired a single shot on a protected bird. The preferred target of the local hunter is the tourist. In fact the adage "If it's tourist season why can't you shoot them" is said to have originated in Malta as a rough translation of the local saying "Ara naqra kif ser nisolhu lira".