George W. Bush

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for 9/11?

Bush glowing like a Lone Star in the Texan night sky.

George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush (born July 6, 1946) was the 43rd President of the United States, serving from 2001 to 2009. He was elected after winning an indisputable victory over educational slideshow producer Al Gore in 2000 and re-elected by a landslide majority in 2004 against war hero/anti-war gadfly John Kerry.

Bush is considered one of the most influential political philosophers of his time, being noted for his eloquent speech, and is well known in the academic and scientific community as one of the fathers of modern intellectualism. It is assumed that an elimination of office will occur to the American presidency upon Bush's death, which will naturally end the legacy of what historians are already calling "America's Gilded Age".

Early life

Bush's National Guard service was often slandered by the liberal media during his 2004 campaign. Some even accused him of faking this photo.

Bush was born on July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut. He grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas, where he spent his formative years learning to walk like a man carrying two invisible hay bales. He received a master’s degree in history from Yale University in 1968, and then served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard where he earned a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. Bush received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School in 1975.

Following graduation, Bush moved back to Midland and began a profitable career in the energy business, demonstrating that hard work and a solid track record are what leads to corporate success in America, not family ties. After working on his father's successful 1988 Presidential campaign, Bush assembled the group of partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in 1989, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale. His selfless acts of heroism during these years were documented by Chuck Norris in the hit series Walker, Texas Ranger.

Governor of Texas

From 1995 to 2000, Bush served for five glorious years as the 46th Governor of Texas, where he earned a reputation for bipartisanship and as a compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based on the principles of limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. There is now no Governor of Texas, as the U.S. Senate unanimously voted to leave the position permanently open, believing that nobody could do a better job than George.

Presidency

Notable acts

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about George W. Bush.

During his presidency, Bush worked with Congress to create an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans.

Sympathetic to the tax burden on the common man, he signed into law tax relief that helps workers keep more of their hard-earned money, especially Enron CEOs. In a series of three separate tax cuts, Bush helped end economically disastrous taxation policies and move America to a more free-market economy, leading to a resounding crash in stock market prices across his presidency.

After the terrorist attacks in 2001, Bush introduced and later signed the Patriot Act, a patriotic act that keeps America free. Several unpatriotic members of Congress attempted to oppose freedom and get parts of the act repealed, but thanks to Bush's decisive leadership, the Act remains in place and still protects America.

God hand-picks George W. Bush for President in 2000 when Florida is unable to make up its mind. (dramatization)

Bush additionally drafted and signed the most comprehensive edumacation reform in a generation, the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. This legislation ushered in a new era of accountability, flexibility, local control, and more choices for parents, affirming our nation's fundamental belief that no children should be left behind (and helping them make an educated decision on wacky theoretical subjects like evolution).

Bush also tirelessly worked to improve healthcare and modernize Medicare, providing the first-ever prescription drug benefit for seniors. Numerous TV news spots have touted the benefits of this bipartisan bill. If you have not yet had a chance to see them, please contact Karen Ryan at Home Front Communications Co/PR Desk for your own copies.

Additional achievements of the president included increasing homeownership and subprime mortgages; expansion in government size and spending; conserving our natural resources (non-renewable and otherwise); and increasing military strength, pay, and benefits.

Because Bush believes the strength of America lies in the hearts, souls, and wallets of our citizens, he supported programs that encourage individuals to help their neighbors in need. The TIPS program reaffirms America's selflessness and trust of its fellow citizens, allowing everyone from the lovely meter maid to Mr. Postman to help out in keeping each other safe from terrorists, who we are reminded could look just like everyone else.

War on Terror

War in Afghanistan

On the morning of September 11, 2001, driven by little but a pure hatred of freedoms, al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama bin Laden attacked the United States. During the attacks, members of both American political parties united around Bush, applauding the foresight demonstrated by him sitting completely still for 40 minutes at such a pressuring time. Many Democrats now sheepishly admit they would have surrendered immediately instead. Bush's ability to remain calm under fire, demonstrated by reading My Pet Goat to calm schoolchildren's nerves, earned him high approval ratings which then steadily declined throughout his administration.

Bush launched the War on Terror (WoT) in response to the attacks, starting with the War in Afghanistan. Afghanistan's Taliban government offered to turn over Bin Laden if the U.S. provided evidence of his involvement in 9/11. Bush however refused to negotiate with the terrorists, and went in guns blazing. Much of al-Qaeda's forces were decimated, but Bin Laden escaped with the ~~help~~ alleged indifference of America's ~~enemy~~ fair weather friend Pakistan. After the Taliban were driven out of Kabul, the nation was rebuilt as a Jeffersonian democracy. The President was confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, America and its friends will succeed in making all nations on Earth more freedomly and peaceful. This is known as the "Domino Theory", a model whereby peace and freedom cascade, crashing across the land into a peaceful scattering of countries, the fallen dominoes crushing all smaller, freedom-hating objects that aren't dominoes in their path.

Since then, Bush took unprecedented steps to protect not only America, but the whole of the world, from terrorism. Under his administration, violence resulting from terrorism decreased, with the help of former United Nations Ambassador John Negroponte and foreign policy expert Condoleezza Rice. Having honorably served in the armed forces, and taking decisive steps to help create America's proud amputee forces, helped Bush bond with the troops under his command. He also discontinued the controversial practice of soldiers dying in vain, instead guaranteeing "a rationale for every casualty."

Iraq War

Bush on a 2003 humanitarian mission to Iraq.

Undeterred, Bush continued taking the War on Terror to the enemies of freedom before they could come to us. Due to the threat of weapons of mass destruction being used against the United States homeland, Bush bravely overcame world resistance against launching the Iraq War. Bush nobly intended to liberate the Iraqi people and finish what his father started in the 1990 Gulf War. With U.S. effort, UN Security Council Resolution 1441 was passed, granting the U.S. the authority to ~~see if Iraq cooperates then reconvene with the council on what do next~~ invade Iraq. With Iraqis ~~starting to cooperate with weapons inspectors~~ continuing their belligerence, America was left with no option but to declare war on March 20, 2003.

Terrorist forces loyal to Saddam Hussein were quickly overpowered. Afterward, the country was on the road to a record-pace reconstruction, despite the best efforts of the media to encourage insurgent violence. While decisive leadership by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld blundered its way to a catastrophically successful victory, Saddam had already smuggled out all of the weapons of mass destruction from the country into Syria and Iran, who prepared them for use against the United States homeland. Bush worked on bravely overcoming world resistance against launching wars for the liberation of the Iranian and Syrian people. North Korea's bids for notoriety were only reluctantly rewarded with diplomatic discussions.

Hurricane Katrina

In contrast to Kanye West's brash statements, some of Bush's best friends are black.

In August 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast and caused widespread damage, including flooding New Orleans. Despite harsh criticism from liberal pundits such as Kanye West, Bush wasted no time in dispatching FEMA to the scene. Due to his love of the city, its traditions, and all of its people, including its black people, Bush gave numerous conferences while he rallied the nearly full strength Louisiana National Guard to go on rescue missions. African-American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice helped secure cooperation from other nations, while Michael Brown, who has several close black friends, helped establish aid for those who had been rescued.

Thanks to funding secured by the president, the city was rebuilt to all of its glory, tradition, and especially ethnic diversity. In keeping with the relaxed and unhurried traditions of that once great city, this happened at a leisurely pace.

Women's rights

During his term in office, Bush worked with the Attorney General's office to help ensure a woman's right to give birth. The President also encouraged more women to take important positions in the nation's workforce, due to his strong belief that women are as equally capable of operating photocopiers as men.

Personal life

Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian who was the inspiration for June Cleaver on the popular 1950s sitcom Leave It to Beaver. They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie.

Living under the radar (compared to the constant scrutiny from the liberal media while in office), Bush and his wife have spent time in Africa opening and renovating medical clinics. Bush also spends time painting portraits of former White House dog ~~Checkers~~ Barney and other assorted stuff, such as ones of himself in the shower and ones of soldiers who died in his wars. Bush is currently engaged in two part-time jobs, one as a paid speaker and the other as the best friend of Ellen DeGeneres and other neoliberals who rehabilitated him for not being as (openly) bad as later elected officials.