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Today's featured article – Star Trek

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Star Trek was a government-mandated Pavlovian conditioning method to keep left-wing radicals and other kooks locked in their homes, staring at an electron gun with glass in front of it.

Gene Roddenberry (Star Trek's creator) hated the planet Earth after falling off his bike onto it, badly grazing a knee. "The only reason every damn television series is set on this damn planet is because of institutional racism — nothing more, nothing less," he commented. His words here spoken by an actor in a weak attempt to conceal inebriation at the hands of Klingon Mind Laager. "But it's ridiculous; there's billions of planets out there and only one of them is Earth. Unless of course you count parallel universes, which I do ... but that's just a hobby, and to be honest, I've lost count."

Roddenberry also despised hats. No one in the Federation ever wears one, except while disguised on a backwards planet plagued by social ills and long-winded speeches. Not even when they're trapped on an ice planet and freezing to death do crewmen wear hats. This is because Roddenberry realized hats are the symbol both of corrupt monarchies and of organized religions. (more...)

Previously featured article – Windows XP

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Windows XP, aka NT 5.1.2600, Windows XD or Windows :P is a detestable operating system. It remains Microsoft's "best" system to date, being far superior to subsequent products according to most late adopters.[1] It had an innovative graphical user interface compared to the bloatware known as MS-DOS, while taking up only 40 gigs of disk space. Its file system interacted fully with more dominant operating systems such as OS/2 Warp and Linux, and it featured enhanced mouse support, although still lacking rat support. (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

Just shagged out after a long squawk.

March 23: International Watch Anime With Your Pet Fish Day

  • 787 BCE - King Saul of Israel throws a spear at David playing the harp, then stands and points a shaking finger at David and intones in a booming voice, "NARF!"
  • 467 BCE - Ancient Greeks eat fish sandwiches while watching a new play by Aeschylus. This is the closest that fish will come to watching anime with their owners for over 2000 years.
  • 139 - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portraying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
  • 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica is first used outside of Vatican City during the first Crusades.
  • 1952 - Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Colliwogs.
  • 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights. Their husbands go without supper.
  • 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
  • 1993 - 13 people die in the US when their pet goldfishes strangle them after not being allowed to watch anime with their owners. This would provide the basis for the movie Natural Born Killers.
  • 2006 - Playstation 1 dies. Xbox skips the funeral but returns later to piss on its grave.
  • 2011 - Chuck Norris succeeds in destroying the last internet meme when he roundhouse kicks the final remaining Rick Astley music video into oblivion.

Archived Anniversaries

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  • ... that Peyton Manning knows Terrell Owens is the REAL reason he's not playing Today?
  • ... goldfish have been found not to be particularly aggressive, yet they can often be found guarding a castle?


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Quarterback of the Month and Waterboy of the Month

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David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.


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If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs.


Congratulations to Rcmurphy, this year's Most Valuable Player!


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  1. Windows XP remains the overwhelming favorite of late adopters so hidebound as to also refuse to adopt the term "African American," though it seems we're onto something else now.