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Today's featured article Today's featured article – The Witcher The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula. The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered. A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...) Recently featured: Chess pieces John Mahama HowTo:Become a Pope Archive Vote for featured articles Previously featured article – Chess pieces Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...) You can vote for your favorite articles to be featured. More of the best of Uncyclopedia Download article feed plugin for Google Desktop edit Selected anniversaries Look mom!! Look!! Look!! August 21: International "Look Over There!" Day 4002 BCE - Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness; Eve asks Adam why he is staring at her breasts. Adam shouts "Look over there!" and runs away, thus inventing The Oldest Trick in the Book. 3998 BCE - Adam tells Eve her shoelaces are untied and flicks her in the nose, thus inventing The Second-Oldest Trick in the Book. 27 CE - Jesus says he sees a giant killer land shark, and uses the distraction to grab many loaves and fishes from his wagon. 1458 - A small child in London shouts "Look, a duck!" whilst pointing in the air to buy himself enough time to rob the city while the population is staring pointlessly at the sky. 1831 - While picking cotton, Nat Turner shouts "Look at all those aboltionists!" and runs away, successfully escaping slavery. 1832 - Nat Turner is hanged. 1911 - A Louvre employee remarks "My stars, what is that?," then steals the Mona Lisa. 1940 - Leon Trotsky is killed with a pickaxe in Mexico. His last name reminds me of a horse. 1959 - President Dwight D. Eisenhower exclaims "That woman is topless!", signs Hawaii into statehood while everyone is distracted. 1967 - Carrie-Anne Moss distracts her mother long enough to escape from uterus. 1976 - Korean War: Operation Paul Bunyan takes place. An American invasion force is distracted when North Koreans yell "Look at that giant tree," causing angry Marines to forget their mission and focus on chopping it down. 1995 - Monica Lewinsky screams "Oh no, a vast right-wing conspiracy," fellates Bill Clinton while he's looking around exclaiming "Where? Where?" 2003 - Edna Turnington of Gloucestershire purchases seven pounds of ground beef. 2010 - HOLY CRAP THERE'S A GIANT SPIDER ON THE WALL BEHIND YOU! 2011 - The US government tells its citizens, "Look over there at all those bad people in the Middle East!" While the population looks on to see what happens, their income tax is raised to 99%. Archived Anniversaries	suggest Word of the day procrastination Try to use it in conversation. Knowledge is power. edit In the news Flying Dildos dominate the WNBA (pictured) Epstein list emerges Miss England to Miss World: I'm out Qatar gifts Trump an airplane Popeye deported for gang-related tattoos DOGE calls on Uncyclopedia Weezer gets weird at Trump's inauguration Trump tees up new American empire Elon Musk prepares for world government I'm a doctor — You're peeing all wrong US polls are broken ( listen) DNA evidence shows how Christ would vote Lebanon upgrades comms gear Ohio city goes to the dogs NE Patriots go "Judon-frei" More Current Events at UnNews News edit Did you know... ... that Bill Cowher isn't actually that fireman that saved you, ma'am? ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network? Do you care... ... that Peyton Manning knows Terrell Owens is the REAL reason he's not playing Today? ... that Tyrannosaurus Rex went extinct because it couldn't reach anything put on a top shelf? Read More
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Quarterback of the Month and Waterboy of the Month David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System. If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs. Congratulations to Rcmurphy, this year's Most Valuable Player! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Past Winners: 2005/2006

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