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Today's featured article

Today's featured article – UnNews:Uncyclopedia defends inept comedy at Supreme Court

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The case is Novak v. City of Parma, in which plaintiff Anthony Novak (not the famous one) wrote a Facebook page ridiculing the police in Parma, Ohio. Parma is a small Midwestern city (parma is Latin for "small", nearly), these are governed by people with thin skin, and they notified Novak to cease and desist or he would be investigated. Novak ceased and, by all accounts, desisted; and Parma shelved the investigation — and went straight to the arrests. The police jailed Novak overnight and, as is usual in such cases, seized computer equipment that might yield information on the crime, such as printers, routers, and refrigerator magnets.

Novak claimed his work was an obvious parody and he was found not guilty. He then countersued claiming the police violated his rights. Lower courts dismissed the suit, using the same doctrine used at the state's playground basketball courts: "No blood, no foul." But the pesky Novak has appealed to the Supreme Court. (more...)

Previously featured article – Sam Bankman-Fried

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Samuel Benjamin "Sam" Bankman-Fried (or SBF, born at night but not last night) was an American finance executive, a darling of the world finance industry for his innovations in the fields of formal kleptocurrency and casual dress. Afterward, he was an inmate, rotting away in an unmarked cell in the Bahamas' squalid Fox Hill Prison, denied bail as a flight risk. Still later, he acceded to a date in U.S. District Court, was charged with enough things to have him die in prison, but was curiously bailed out and put in the custody of his professor parents on the opposite coast. Thus every day of the trial, he will be (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

Ma, look what I won at the carnival!!

February 5: I Love American Football Until Baseball Starts Day

  • 955 - Scribes create the first baseball cards. The also make the first error card describing St. Barnabas being a second baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • 1152 - Peyton Manning almost makes it to Super Bowl DCCCXV but he loses the AFC Championship after getting sacked five times by the Frankfurt Galaxy's linebacker Frederick Barbarossa.
  • 1307 - An enraged King Philip IV of France attacks the Knights Templar after their Manchester United team beats the King's favorite Saint-Étienne 1-0 in overtime.
  • 1788 - Peyton Manning secretly ghostwrites one of the Federalist Papers. Sadly, he forgets which one.
  • 1839 - General Abner Doubleday pretends to invent baseball. The use of cannons and bayonet charges would be quickly eliminated from the rulebook, but would eagerly be adopted by the world of rugby.
  • 1860 - Rugby rules are added to the American game but it is still called football for all the feet flying around, whether still attached to a leg or not.
  • 1886 - English plumber Thomas Crapper invents the modern Super Bowl.
  • 1898 - American colleges allow female students to attend if they agree to become cheerleaders. The words "bimbo" and "slag" are quickly invented.
  • 1903 - Gay males are secretly allowed to attend college as male cheerleaders, since they are the only ones with dance moves that don't make them look like uncoordinated dickheads.
  • 1912 - Colleges lower their academic requirements for football players, making any violent criminal not on death row eligible to play.
  • 1913 - Colleges raise their academic standards for football players, requiring a minimum measurable amount of brain cells to be eligible.
  • 1914 - World War I breaks out but Americans fail to notice as it begins in the middle of baseball season.
  • 2002 - Footballs acquire sentience and start dating supermodels, get into fights in clubs and become beloved overpaid and arrogant prima donnas like the players themselves. They secretly take steroids which will not be noticed for years despite the balls growing to 3 ft (about 1 m) long.
  • 2012 - Defense is not longer allowed to make for higher scores. With no defensive players, the salary cap becomes less of an issue.

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Did you know...

  • ... that when a man with a .45 meets a man with a rifle, the man with a pistol will start giggling uncontrollably over the scene in Fistful of Dollars?

Do you care...

  • ... one of the great ironies of the Crimean War was that the Earl of Sandwich's troops were constantly sandwiched between Russian artillery and cavalry?
    • ... and that Lord Raglan had nothing up his sleeve?

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Writer and Noob of the Month

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GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!


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