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Today's featured article – The Witcher The Witcher is a short story series/fantasy book saga/role-playing game/Netflix television show. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula. The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish the copyright holders hadn't bothered. A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He has some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. (more...) Recently featured: Chess pieces John Mahama HowTo:Become a Pope Archive Vote for featured articles Previously featured article – Chess pieces Chess is often thought of as a game for pretentious tossers, and for teenage nerds in need of a competitive pastime that doesn’t necessarily end with them being wedgied. But this image is outdated. These days the game is also played by boxers desperate to show that repeated brain trauma has not affected their intelligence. (more...) Featured today, a long long time ago Mike Johnson, featured on 19 July 2024. See the featured version. Did you know... *... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion? ... if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else? ... killer bees only became murderously aggressive after being subjected to a barrage of yo mama jokes by a researcher in Brazil? ... if you open your refrigerator door you will make a chilling discovery? ... that ionic transitivity negates asymmetric pseudosidereal locomotion? ... cats smuggled into screenings of The Black Panther only gave it a rating of 65% on Metacritic?

In the news Miss England to Miss World: I'm out Qatar gifts Trump an airplane (pictured) Popeye deported for gang-related tattoos DOGE calls on Uncyclopedia Weezer gets weird at Trump's inauguration Trump tees up new American empire Elon Musk prepares for world government I'm a doctor — You're peeing all wrong US polls are broken ( listen) DNA evidence shows how Christ would vote Lebanon upgrades comms gear Ohio city goes to the dogs NE Patriots go "Judon-frei" Biden drops out, Harris goes large‎‎ Starmer wins British general election On this day... July 19: Swallows Return (San Juan Capistrano, US), Great Cat Feast (also San Juan Capistrano), Ice Age ends 193 - Romans make a chicken and then a plate of fruit their emperor as all human choices are lacking. 1018 - King Æthelred the Unready finally thinks of a snappy reply to an insult by the Vikings. Unfortunately, he is already dead. 1545 - The Tudor warship Mary Rose sinks off Portsmouth, after leaving a porthole ajar in a storm. 1553 - Jean Grey (pictured) is replaced as Phoenix by Queen Mary, after holding that title for just nine days. 1788 - The constant chatter of swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano wakes the kraken. Not able to go back to sleep, it goes out for breakfast only to get burnt hash browns and the wrong kind of toast. 1864 - Rebels are defeated in the Taiping Rebellion by Chinese forces, with elements regrouping to join Robert E. Lee in Virginia. 1870 – France declares war on Chef Boyardee, starting the Franco-American War. 1877 - The first Wimbledon Tennis Championship is held, oddly enough, in Hoboken, New Jersey. 1992 - Actor Luke Perry reaches the height of his celebrity and records a world-record 18 public service announcements in one day. 1977 - The first GPS signal is sent and scientists tracking it are sent to parts unknown, never to be seen again. 2009 - After not returning en masse to San Juan Capistrano, biologists carefully glue any swallows they find into their nests. Local restaurants are unable to serve all-you-can-eat roast swallow dinners. 2622 - Time machines are invented, and history is re-written. All the above is rendered possibly false. Colonization of the Week For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.

Today's featured picture
[vote] Jarhead3.jpg Jarhead3.jpg - 15 pushups ( 23 / 8 ) A WWI-era Jarhead recruiting poster helped to bring many new recruits into the beloved US Marine Corps. Image credit: One-eyed_Jack

Writer and Noob of the Month

GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia! Seriously, we love you. Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor. Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come! It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon! HEIL FROSTY! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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